The Lonely Lady

We open outside The Awards, this universe’s version of the Oscars. Dozens of extras watch a parade of bogus "celebrities" enter the pavilion. Our Star, Ms. Pia Zadora, appears, wearing bright red to make sure we don’t miss her. Conspicuously, she’s the only attendee without an escort. To make sure that this fact doesn’t escape our notice, the script even has two extras comment on the fact. Perhaps the filmmakers feared that some of the audience had fallen asleep. They needn’t have worried - statistically, the average viewer of The Lonely Lady will stay awake for well over fourteen minutes into the film.

A "hey, look how artistic I am!" segue takes us into the past, from The Awards Presentation to the Valley High Honors Presentation. Pia’s Jerilee Randall is being named "Most Promising English Major". This causes the auditorium to erupt in the kind of audience exultation seldom seen outside TV’s The Price is Right. The actual award is an oddly elaborate statuette, presented to her by big-time film director Guy Jackson (who of course features prominently later in the film). Jerilee begins her vague yet pompous acceptance speech, reminding the audience that Art should be about "important things". This deep thinking quickly causes the school authorities to cut her speech short. Apparently, her intellectual challenge to the status quo had to be squelched by the Establishment before it brought about social revolution or something. The presentation audience, who had been basking in the raw cerebral power of this dialectical prophet, expresses it’s disappointment.

Jerilee attends a graduation party that night. There she meets Walt Jr., son of the famous screenwriter (two words that seldom go together) Walter Thornton. Walt talks her into going to his house to meet his dad. They are joined by Joe, a rather embarrassing screen debut for actor Ray Liotta (and a long, looong, way from Goodfellas), and his slutty date Mary. We had earlier seen Joe smoking pot, so we know he’s going to be trouble. Joe strokes Jerilee’s award, wittily noting that it "looks like a penis". Walt tries to pass this off as an example of Joe’s debonair wit. In spite of this, Jerilee gets in the car with them, proving that great writers are not necessarily great empirical thinkers. After they arrive at the Thornton estate, we are treated to what is at once one of the most offensive, and yet also goofiest, scenes in movie history. Skinny-dipping Joe pulls Jerilee into the backyard pool. When Jerilee tries to flee, Joe tackles her and then proceeds to rape her with a garden hose! She is saved from further rapine by the arrival of Walter Sr.

Back at her house we see Jerilee in what I think is supposed to be a catatonic state. However, given the acting "range" exhibited so far by Ms. Zadora, this is, at best, a guess. The doctor asks Jerilee’s mom if she’s called the police, giving her the opportunity to give a bitter little tirade about how the white upper middle class can hope to find little justice in the Rich Man’s court. This speech reminds one of, say, a very early draft of Thelma & Louise, before they made it not suck.

In spite of her views on the Class Struggle, Mrs. Randall is all too ready to fawn over Walter Thornton when he shows up later, perhaps to apologize over how his son let Jerilee get raped with a garden hose and all. Mrs. Randall is out of luck, however. Walter has a Roman Polanski thing going, and is more interested in the daughter than the mother. Mom later berates Jerilee over her developing relationship with Walter. Perhaps she’s jealous. Or maybe she just thinks he’s a big, creepy pervert. However, Jerilee and Walter’s mutual interests in the Arts and Intellectual Discourse are too much to resist. Jerilee admits that she loves Walter, resulting in Mrs. Randall garnering great audience empathy when she responds, "I’m not listening to this, I am NOT listening to THIS!".

Cut to the wedding reception, held in Walter’s backyard, where, you know, the garden hose incident. Luckily, the guests are too tactful to bring up the subject. Walter and Jerilee mingle, with Walter making "witty" asides to the guests. Later, in one of those scenes you never really wanted to see, we watch the couple in (eeeeeeew!) their marriage bed. However, conjugal activities are cut short when Walter experiences an equipment failure. This is our first intimation that married life with Walter will be no bed of roses for our heroine (duh).

On to our next major plot, as The Lonely Lady, to the surprise of few, turns into a poor man’s (a very poor man’s) version of A Star is Born. Jerilee’s first book, a short story collection, is soon on the bestseller’s list (a short story collection, by a first time author yet, on the bestseller’s list?). Hanging out with Walter, Jerilee begins to see the sleazy side of Show Business, as she watches movie wannabes kissing up to her husband (kissing up to a scriptwriter?). We are soon treated to another sex scene between Jerilee and Walter. This one is even worse, as our prime view of Walter’s hairy back makes it appear that he wears wool sweaters when he "does it". Still, this scene is important character development: we see Jerilee takes control of the speed and rhythm of their activities, turning Walter into a better lover. That sexual confidence is soon translated to her artistic efforts, and she determines to try her hand at scriptwriting. Walter suggests she do the typing of rewrites on his next movie (being directed by, hey, who would have thought, Guy Jackson!), thereby gaining on the job experience.

Cut to the set, where Walter and the female lead are wrangling over a big scene, the burial of her son. Jerilee soon meets Buddy, who I believe is supposed to be gay, due to the fact that he wears loud shirts, says "darling" a lot, and makes lots of catty small talk. She also briefly meets bit actor George Ballantine, who makes a quick pass at her. Jerilee eventually gives the problematic burial scene a try, which infuriates Walter when he finds out. Hilariously, Jerilee has reduced the entire speech to, "WHY?!!". Man, she’s a regular Shakespeare. Of course, the star finds out about the rewrite, and loves it. Only in a movie about making movies (and a bad one, at that) could they expect you to believe that a big star would prefer "WHY?!!" to a big showboating speech. However, when we see the scene filmed, sure enough, the actress is wailing, "WHY?!! WHY?!!". Actually, since Jerilee only wrote one "WHY?!!", it shows that even her stuff can stand a little rewriting. However, the elated Jerilee is shocked to see Walter taking all the "credit" for her dazzling rewrite. Left alone on the set, Jerilee wanders through the graveyard facade, and in her soul I know she’s asking, "WHY?!! WHY?!!".

Later, Walter and Jerilee are "doing lunch". The actress from the movie stops by their table and notes how all the critics "picked up on the burial scene"(!). Then another obvious sleezeball, Vincent DeCosta, makes his entrance, all googly-eyed over Jerilee. You know, it’s not that Pia Zadora is unattractive or anything, but it’s a little hard to buy how she’s the object of everybody’s attention in this movie. Anyway, between Jerilee being pissed off at Walter for taking credit for the rewrite, and Walter feeling insecure over all the young studs sniffing after his wife, they end up having a big fight. Walter makes a self-pitying speech and walks out.

Later, a contrite Jerilee finds Walter out back by the pool, and tries to coax him inside for some (ugh) sexual healing. This sets up one of the greatest I don’t believe it! lines in film history. Walter, still insecure about being able to satisfy Jerilee, lashes out at her, asking why she didn’t go with DeCosta. Then, is one of those moments you live for, he leans over, grabs the garden hose lying there (and yes, it appears to be the same one), shoves it in her face and hisses, "Or is THIS more your kick!". Jerilee responds to one of the grossest insults in film history with an utterly blank facial reaction, as if someone had caught her off guard by asking her what she wanted for lunch. Walter, sensing that he’s never going to get a better line, exits for most of the picture.

We next find Jerilee living alone in a small apartment, where she’s been working on a script. Guy Jackson drops by and takes her to a party. For at least this scene, the movie seems as dated as any Tab Hunter flick from 1957. Guys with feathered ’dos are wearing jackets with the sleeves rolled up, over unbuttoned shirts. Over by the "turntable", a fellow is going over a collection of "record albums" (kids: ask your parents!). Jerilee gets reacquainted with George Ballantine, now an up and coming actor. Ballantine is obviously a jerk, even bragging about his various affairs, but Jerilee ends up bringing him back to her apartment. They have sex (yawn!), which we see Jerilee truly enjoying for the first time. Man, that’s some character development.

Jerilee takes her script around to agents, hoping to find representation. Walter’s old agent offers to represent her, but only if she sleeps with him. She walks out. This scene only lasts about a minute, and seems to be included because, you know, how could it not be? At the next agent’s, Jerilee is asked if she belongs to the Writer’s Guild, which the woman pronounces like "yield" rather than "gild". Jerilee says, "No", the woman says, "Sorry", and Jerilee shrugs and leaves. How bitter, that after an epic quest to two different offices, Jerilee ends up denied representation! On top of that, Ballantine’s been making himself scarce. Jerilee finally tracks him down and informs him that’s she’s pregnant. He’s less than concerned, although it turns out that Jerilee just wants him to go with her to the abortionist (how sweet!). He blows her off anyway, and she takes care of it alone.

Later, Jerilee is taking Mom out for a fancy birthday meal when they bump into, of course, Ballantine and the wife. Right on schedule, Vinnie DeCosta makes his reappearance. He and his brother Nick tell how they’re looking for "projects" to produce. This line wouldn’t fool a teen runaway fresh off the bus from Iowa, but Jerilee immediately mentions her script. Vinnie invites her to bring it by his nightclub. Featuring a lobby decked out in mirrored tiles from Home Depot and sporting a white ceramic leopard, it hardly seems like anybody’s idea of a "hot" club. Jerilee, now broke, still agrees to let Vinnie take control of her script for six months or a year. More over, she accepts a job at the club. Eventually, they start going out, leading into the inevitable "Romantic Montage", accompanied by one of the movie’s truly horrendous songs.

Guy pops up at the club, and warns Jerilee not to trust Vinnie, who’s lurking nearby like in an old Bela Lugosi movie. Vinnie later rips into her, warning her not to write for anyone else. This results in the film’s second inductee into the Bad Dialog Hall of Fame: Jerilee scrunches up her little face, and replies, "If I write for anyone, Vinnie, I write for MEEEE!!". Watching Pia vainly attempt to wring anything at all out of her character’s big line, well, it simply must by seen to be appreciated. Still, they make up, leading to (groan!) a big sex montage, including the classic image of a nude Jerilee laying on a pool table as a naked Vinnie shoots pool balls at her(!).

Vinnie finally produces two Italians, imaginatively named Gino and Maria, who are interested in funding the movie. Despite the fact that Maria vamps Jerilee in such an obvious fashion that it seems like she came out of a silent movie, Jerilee remains unaware of her intentions. Even when Vinnie sends her off alone to the Italians’ apartment, Jerilee fails to figure it out. Finally, Maria comes on it her in such a way that even Jerilee tumbles (so to speak), as fat, Henry Kissingeresque Gino settles in to watch. Resigned, Jerilee goes along.

In the morning, as she stumbles from the apartment, Jerilee learns that they never intended to fund her script. It was all a con to get her into bed. Again, Pia’s not a dog or anything, but it’s really hard to believe that anyone would go to such lengths to get her into the sack, instead of just hiring a hooker or something. Back at the club, dazed Jerilee finds Vinnie cavorting with two naked women. He tosses her script in her face, and she splits.

Ah, now for the scene we’ve all been waiting for: The Jerilee-goes-nuts scene. And believe me, it’s a doozy. First, the Shower With the Clothes On. Next, the Tearing Up of the Script. Followed by the Citizen Kane memorial Destructive Rampage Through the Apartment. Then the Voices Saying Lines from Earlier in the Movie, and finally the tour-de-force: a classic example of the Swirling Mirage Featuring the Heads of her Tormenters. Boy, I haven’t seen one of those since Barbara Stanwick went bananas in William Castle’s cheesefest The Night Walker. Even then, in a movie made twenty years earlier, it was old and creaky. Here, well, your mouth just drops. Really, this scene alone is worth a rental.

Jerilee ends up in a fancy loony bin, catatonic again. And I must say, it takes a talent like Pia Zadora to somehow seem positively hammy whilst playing catatonia. Guy Jackson helps her through her long (for us) recovery, and as therapy, she writes a script about her experiences. Of course, it’s boffo. Since she doesn’t want to sell it off and lose control of it, she’s forced to except a package deal to the studio: Guy as director, and, as male lead…George Ballantine (gasp!). Even after swallowing that pill, it turns out that she’s got to whore herself again, this time with the studio exec’s wife.

But the film is apparently made, and a smash success. We finally, finally, end up where we started: at The Awards Telecast. Jerilee’s script is nominated (and in contention with one of Walter’s), and Guy and Ballantine have gotten respective Best Director and Actor nominations. Sure enough, Jerilee wins. To thunderous applause, she ascends the podium, and begins her acceptance speech. Soon, however, it turns into a bitter tirade about the ways she’s been degraded, leading to the movie’s third classic line, "I don’t suppose I’m the only one who’s had to f**k her way to the top!". This enrages the crowd, resulting in hundreds of tuxedoed and gowned angrily muttering, "Cantaloupe, cantaloupe, watermelon, watermelon". Oddly, though she rants on and on, they never just turn off her microphone, bring up the orchestra and haul her offstage. Still, as she leaves the attendees boo her strenuously, and so the audience in the movie acts out the dearest fantasy of the audience watching the movie. Jerilee walks off camera, and out of our lives, never to return. I hope.

OSCAR CLIP: The competition here is fierce, and it’s all Pia. How to choose from such a distinguished array of great acting moments? Certainly the "breakdown" scene is deserving. And what about her two (!) "catatonia" sequences, particularly the second one? Close, but no cigar, is Pia’s masterful read of the "…I write for MEEE!" line. Nope. Ultimately, the hands down winner has got to be when her husband Walter waves the hose in her face, taunting her with the very instrument of her rape. Pia’s unperturbed non-reaction is an all-time classic.

IMMORTAL DIALOG:

Walter Sr., jokingly speaking with Jerilee’s mom after the wedding: "What do I call you, ‘Mother Randall’?"
Mom, younger than Walter and obviously creeped out: "Veronica!"
Witty Walter: "Mother Veronica?!"

***

Jerilee and Walter show that the drollery of the Literary Set hasn’t suffered since the days of the fabled Algonquin Roundtable, as they peruse reviews of Jerilee’s book:
Jerilee: " ‘Sensitive and perceptive stories which vividly demonstrate the inadequacy of liberal values in the face of Evil’. What does that mean, Walter?"
Wry Walter, master of the bon mot: "It means your stories vividly demonstrate the inadequacy of liberal values in the face of Evil!"

Jerilee is introduced to Bud, the sarcastic makeup man:
Guy: "Bud, this is Jerilee. She’s Mr. Thornton’s assistant."
Bud, making the obvious inference: "Sure. I hope you can spell, darling."
Givin’ as good as she gets Jerilee: "D-a-r-l-i-n-g?"

Jerilee proves herself a seer to rival the great Nostradamus himself…
Walter Thornton: "Tell me about your award."
Jerilee: "Well, that really would bore you."

Jerilee explains to the skeptical Guy why Vinnie can help her get her script produced:
Jerilee: "He knows a lot of people."
Guy: "So does my garbage man!"

Kaption Komedy: Vinnie and Jerilee invent a new version of pocket pool.