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Stalking Through a Winter Blunder Land, or...
Don't Open 'Til Christmas (1985)
Directed by Edmund Purdom
Written by Derek Ford
Additional Scenes Written and Directed by Al McGoohan
Details at the IMDB, US.IMDB
At Christmas play and make good cheer,
For Christmas comes but once a year.
Thomas Tusser (Circa 1515-1580)
A
lot of people are "mistletoe prone." Instead of enjoying the Christmas holidays like everyone else (as
organized religion and the mercantile industry would have it), these
unfortunates find the season deeply depressing. They find no happiness during this time of mandatory joy, when
feels like the rest of the world is having a big party and they're not invited.
To
treat the symptoms of this sense of depression, some of these people turn to
the Anti-Christmas (as opposed to the Antichrist). This author is a particular sucker for this form of
entertainment. One of my favorites is
an episode of Married with Children that spoofs the ubiquitous It's a Wonderful
Life (1946); Sam Kinison is Al Bundy's guardian angel, and in the vision he shows Al,
the world without him is a better place. Al decides to live for the sake of revenge.
However, not all Anti-Christmas stories are uplifting for the seasonal cynic.
Contents
The Plot
Oh
Come, Oh Ye Fateful
We
open at night on a street corner with a man (John Aston – no, not the one who
played Gomez in The Addams Family) in a Santa suit shivering in the
cold. A girl (Maria Eldridge) meets him
and they walk to a car. As they get in,
the POV camera approaches them, and POV heavy breathing can be heard. (That, or the cameraman has asthma.)
As the camera approaches the car, we can see
that the couple is in the back seat making out. The man has already gotten rid of his Santa jacket.
He looks up at the camera and says, "Go
on! Go away! Clear off!" (Yeah,
what is this? Soho Candid Camera?) The man gets out of the
car, and the POV menace sticks him in the abdomen with a long knife. The girl gets out of the car, backs away
from the camera, and she's stabbed, too. Go to opening credits, accompanied by "Jingle Bells" on a
music box and a burning paper Santa for an entertaining (?) visual aid.
Go
to a fancy dress party with vaguely disco music. The camera tracks around the partygoers and pauses at a back
area. A man (Lawrence Harrington) is dressing
up as Santa. His daughter Kate (Belinda Mayne) comes in tells him he has too much rouge and not enough eyebrow. She offers to help.
He looks into the mirror and moans that he
looks like a gay old queen. (Redundancy?) Kate's boyfriend
Cliff (Gerry Sundquist) enters. As a
word of encouragement, he tells Kate's father that he looks like a gay old
queen. (Redundancy.) He also comments on someone at the party is
wearing a grotesque mask (and we get a jump cut of it).
Cliff
and Kate go out to introduce the Silly Santa. In the foreground, the figure in the grotesque mask stalks around with a
spear. While Silly Santa is going
through his act and about to blow on a party favor, he gets ventilated through
the back of the head. A spear is
sticking out his mouth.
Everyone stands around in shock. Cliff runs at the figure with the grotesque mask and grabs him. Unfortunately, it's just the costume propped up on a stick. (What? The murderer was a stick figure?)
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| Don't Open Ever might've been a good title, too. | At least this film's product placement is not for Dr. Pepper. |
It's
the next day, and cut to the rotating New Scotland Yard sign. (Question: Do they charge filmmakers for
this shot?) Detective Sergeant Powell
(Mark Jones) is on the phone. He's told
that his boss is on his way in and he's not happy. The Metropol troopers in the room are reading newspapers with
headlines about some recent Santacides™. Inspector Harris (Edmund Purdom) enters and looks at the papers.
"Only three more killing days 'til
Christmas. Chief's going to love cracks
like that." (As you read the rest
of this plot description, you will see that we also love things like this,
too.) Harris says he wants to see Kate
and the Cliff. Powell says the boy
answered when they rang her up. He has
a clean record. Kate's father was rich,
and she gets the money. They make a
note of that.
They
go to the Kate's apartment. She insists
that her father had no enemies. Harris
explains that he was killed because of the Santa suit.
Cut
to night. A radio program in a car
talks about the Santacides™. A street
vendor (George Pierce) in a Santa suit is smoking a cigarette while selling
bags of chestnuts. (The credits refer
to him as "Market Santa Claus," but we prefer to call him
"Smokin' Santa.") He's
standing next to a roaster. Someone
jumps him from behind and strangles him with a short piece of rope and pushes
his face into the roaster. Smokin'
Santa comes up with gooey face burns. We see that the killer is wearing a hooded coat and smiling, full-face
mask. (We assume this is supposed to be
a celebrity, but we don't recognize it. For the sake of our John Carpenter fans, we'll be referring to it as the
Smiling Shatner Wannabe Mask™.) Smokin'
Santa falls down onto the roaster and bursts into flames like a cheap Yule log.
(If you learn nothing else from this movie,
learn this: Don't skimp on your Santa suit. Get the flame retardant kind.)
[Continuity
Note: Only two more killing days 'till Christmas.]
Cut
to day. Someone on a motorcycle tools
around town for several shots. There's
a present strapped to the back. A note
on the package says "Don't Open Till Christmas." (Hey, someone's delivering the script!
About time, too.) At the Harris home, the detective's housekeeper Mrs. Sherry
(Wendy Danvers) accepts the package and tells her employer about it. She asks if she can get him anything for
Christmas Eve, but he laments that he'll probably be too busy.
At
his office, Harris and Powell talk about the case. Powell tells him that Kate wants to talk to him.
They kick around some ideas. Powell suggests that Smokin' Santa might've
been the victim of a gang hit. They
drop that one pretty quickly.
At
Kate's place, Cliff is trying to cheer her up. She explains that she's upset about her father's death.
She also tells him that Harris was asking
questions about when they were planning on getting married.
Elsewhere,
a man makes a call from a phone booth to Powell. He says his name is Giles (Alan Lake) and he's a reporter for the
Daily News. Powell asks if he's
the one responsible for the tabloid press. Giles asks if they had any clues.
Powell tells him that Harris will be giving a press conference. Giles hints that he has clues and that
Powell could solve this case on his own. Then he hangs up. Powell calls
the Daily News.
That
night, an inebriated Santa is interrupted from his staggering when someone puts
the barrel of a big revolver into his mouth and pulls the trigger. (Yes, this short scene looks like it was
dropped in to break up the monotony.)
[Continuity
Note: Only one more killing day 'till Christmas.]
Drek
the Halls
The
next day, Giles accosts Kate on street and tries to ask her questions. She says she can't answer any questions, and
she's told Inspector Harris everything.
Cut
to night (and an obligatory New Scotland Yard sign). Harris leaves the building and walks among the Christmas
crowds. (No. Nothing happens. I was
hoping this movie would have a greater sense of purpose after that guy on the
motorcycle delivered the script.)
Elsewhere, at an Underground station, Cliff is playing a flute while Kate collects money from passers-by. An old friend of Cliff's named Gerry (Kevin Lloyd) enters. Cliff is happy to see him; Kate isn't and excuses herself. Cliff explains that she's still upset about her father.
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| Harris (left) and Powell (center) contemplate their careers after this movie. ("Oh, look! Casting calls for Thin Blue Line.") | Gerry (left) explains to Cliff why Kate will never think of him as a real man until he trades up for a saxophone. |
Gerry
and Cliff go for a drink. Gerry
explains about his new business, which is photographing models. (Nudge-nudge wink-wink say no more!
Oh, wait. There's more.) He talks him into
bringing Kate to a shoot that evening and leaves. She arrives and asks what that creep wanted.
He tells her they're going to his place for
tea.
Cut
to Gerry's studio, where he's doing some cheesecake shots of his model Sharon
(Pat Astley) in lingerie. She's cold
and complains. He says he wants to take
some of these pictures outside, and she complains about the temperature
again. He makes the fundamental
observation about what that will do for, shall we say, her sense of definition.
Cliff
and Kate enter. Kate is suspicious of
this scene. While Gerry pulls Cliff off
to the side for a small conference, Kate and Sharon make small talk about
modeling. Cliff tries to talk Kate into
modeling. She doesn't like the idea,
but Sharon tries to encourage her. Gerry comes out with the costume. Unfortunately, it's a full-length Santa cloak.
Kate runs out. Cliff
dresses down Gerry for his sense of down dress, but Gerry talks him into not
running after her.
Cliff
and Sharon (who is now wearing the Santa cloak) go outside and wait for
Gerry. Sharon plays cutesy with Cliff
and flashes her, um, definition for him. (Yeah, she was complaining about the cold earlier, but she's got nothing
on under the cloak.) He sees a couple
of Metropol types, panics, and realizes they're locked outside. He tells her to beat it and they both run in
opposite directions. She hides around a
corner. Just when she thinks she's safe
she turns and runs into the Smiling Shatner Wannabe Mask™. It’s the Santa Slayer, and he's holding a
straight razor. While the frightened
model remains motionless, he uses the dull side of the razor to lift open her
cloak and check her out. Then he runs
off without using it. (The blade, that
is. OK, so, assuming the killer is a
guy, he's probably as straight as his razor.) The two Metropol cops arrive.
[Continuity
Note: Only zero more killing days 'till Christmas.]
The
next day, Harris and Powell are at Sharon's apartment. She's in bed complaining about losing a lot
of work. Harris tells her she's lucky
to have been let go since she was arrested for indecent exposure. "Indecent?" she exclaims.
She pops open her robe and asserts she's a
professional. Although she's sharp on
her sense of profession, she's not very sharp on the details about the stranger
she saw. Razor or knife, she can't
tell. However, she did notice his eyes;
she said they smiled. (OK, so maybe
they should be looking for Burt Reynolds.)
Cut
to a "Peep Show" sign. Inside, a Santa (Ricky Kennedy) goes into one of the booths.
Behind the glass, a girl (Kelly Baker) is
dancing around with her back to the glass and doesn't see him. (Note: The girl has no name.
She is referred to in the credits as
"The Experience Girl." I
could tell you why, but it'd probably violate our PG standards.) He's about ready to leave, but she spots
him. He picks up the phone and they
make small talk. He claims to be a
first timer, and she claims to be a first timer at this too. She plays up the clean dirty talk.
While she is negotiating the price for more
stuff, the Santa Slayer suddenly shows up behind Santa Perv and stabs him in
the throat. The girl freaks while blood
shoots onto the glass.
At
Kate's apartment, Cliff is wrapping his hand in a bandage. Kate enters and asks if Gerry came back too
early. Cliff protests that he was
wrapping his hand because he punched out Gerry. The doorbell rings. Kate
insists it's probably Sharon. It's
Harris. He asks Cliff what he knows,
since Sharon was attacked. Cliff
becomes defensive, but Kate starts warming up to the detective.
Go
to product placement for New Scotland Yard. Inside, Powell interrupts Giles going through some desks.
Powell tells Giles that his newspaper never
heard of him. Giles pulls out a copy of
the newspaper and shows his byline; Giles is his first name. Powell asks Giles what he knows, and Giles
insinuates that he should keep a better watch on Harris. Giles leaves and calls for someone to tail
Harris.
Cut
to a shopping area that night. Harris
realizes someone is following him, so he loses him. Elsewhere, some street punks spot an inebriated Santa on a
bicycle (Sid Wragg). They chase
him. After getting around a corner,
Santa Cyclist jumps off the bike and runs. The thugs grab the bike and leave, but Santa Cyclist runs down the
street looking for an open door. He
finds one at "The Dungeon," a black museum. He bowls over a clerk (Paula Meadows), knocking off her
glasses. An unseen figure walks past
her.
Santa
Cyclist is creeped out by the exhibits of various torture devices. He wanders around for a while.
A
hand pulls a big flat blade from the wall. Santa Cyclist walks past a guillotine (gee,
wonder where this is
going). Nope. He's stabbed in his belly (which suddenly resembles a bowlful of
jelly).
[Continuity
Note: Only negative one more killing day 'till Christmas.]
Stalking
in a Winter Wonderland
It's
the next day (maybe). Back at Kate's
place, Cliff is trying to work out the details of the case. Kate asks him if he's obsessed about
Harris. Elsewhere in detective land,
Harris comes back from being chewed out by their superiors. He tells Powell he's considering retiring
before he can be fired.
Later,
Harris is at a carnival. A couple of
Santas (Derek Ford and Adrian Black) are doing a stage show for some
children. After the show, the Santa Duo
is walking around the dark, empty bleachers. We see a foot, hear a click, and a dagger pops out the toe of the
shoe. Santa 1 gets kicked in the groin
and stabbed. Santa 2 comes running and
takes it in the face.
Outside,
Harris is shadowing Cliff and Kate, who are doing their street flautist
act. Cliff sees him. Harris comes over and Cliff leaves. Kate and Harris make some cutesy small talk.
Meanwhile,
in the Land of the Rotating NSY Sign, Powell interviews the Experience
Girl. The only thing she can tell him
is the man in the Smiling Shatner Wannabe Mask™ had smiling eyes. (OK, then maybe they should be looking for
Charles Bronson.) Powell wants to give
her an escort. She wants to go back to
work. Powell cautions her on that, and
tells her the name of her escort. On
her way out, she tells a uniformed Metropol type to tell her escort that she's
going on ahead. She walks down the
street.
Kate
tries to call Harris. He's not in, but
his housekeeper explains that he's at Parkland.
The Experience Girl arrives at work. She sits down in her booth, and a hand picks up the phone outside. We can't see the guy's face while he speaks. She sets out the rates, and then she sees his eyes and panics. He crashes through the glass with his bare hands.
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| The Santa Slayer has a sharp eye. | The Experience Girl at work. ("Naughty...Nice...I'm the one with the phone") |
She
runs out onto the street. (No one
around; go figure.) She seems to have
lost him, but while as she's pausing at a doorway, he grabs her from behind and
pulls her in. (Amazingly enough, she
was taking a break just outside his hideout.) He explains that she has to die because she's seen his face.
(Not to worry; we haven't yet. They're still going through the motions of
making this a murder mystery.) He
chains up her wrists and leaves. (And
in the middle of residential neighborhood, no one's going to hear her
scream. Sure….)
Back
at The Place, Which By Now, Has Become Synonymous With All Detective Work In
The Western World, Powell is on the phone talking to Harris. Harris is off the case.
Powell releases Cliff (who must've been
picked up for questioning recently – we weren't shown that bit) and says he's
got a good idea who is responsible.
Later,
that night, the sign at Piccadilly Theatre promises a "Musical
Spectacular." A drunken Santa
comes in through the stage door and annoys the guard with spray string. After he's ejected, he encounters a menacing
someone-or-other with a big pruning blade. (Fans of pole arms in A Certain Fantasy Role Playing Game® would call
this a "bill-hook.") He runs
inside, the guard calls security, and no one seems to notice the stalker come
through the door. While Santa Sot is
running, Caroline Munro (yes, that Caroline Munro) heads for the stage in a
tight red sequined dress. The band
strikes up and she does a musical number. (We get no shots of an audience, though.)
While she sings a song apparently called "I'm Coming to Get
You," the Santa Killer catches up with his target. The stage manager cues a stage lift.
Guess they weren't expecting a dead Santa
Sot with a pruning blade in his eyes.
[Continuity
Note: Only negative two more killing days 'till Christmas.]
Next
day (?), Sgt. Powell calls on Kate. She
tells him that Harris wasn't home yesterday; he was at Parklands. She did some checking and it's a
"lunatic asylum" (her words). There are also no records of Harris at Somerset House.
Powell doesn't see the importance of
this. (I sure don't. As a Yank, I thought Somerset House was an
art museum.) She also points out that
Cliff has to be innocent because he was standing next to the victim in full
view of everyone. (Well, duh!)
We
now get a few scenes that don't really go anywhere. Kate goes to Parklands. The Experience Girl is asleep while the Santa Slayer walks and
leaves. Kate tries to call Powell, but
he's not in.
Cut
to sincerely rotund man (Max Roman) in a department store checking out a blonde
in a tight dress. He suits up for the
Father Christmas routine. Later, he
goes into a restroom for a wee break. While he's standing at the urinal, (and we are, uh, treated to the image
of the trail of urine in the air), the Santa Slayer comes out of a stall with a
straight razor and does an I Spit on Your Grave on him. Blood spatters into the urinal.
God
Rest Ye, Scary Gentlemen
That
night, Kate goes to Harris's place. He
goes through the motions of being a charming host. Then he tells her he's been suspended.
She tells him she's had a falling out with Cliff and admits she
feels close to him. They go to a fancy
restaurant. It's Christmas Eve (?), so
they order something with all the trimmings. Cliff enters looking around. The
doorman wont let him enter because he's not dressed properly. Kate sees him and figures he followed them
there.
Later,
Kate goes back to her place and changes into a robe. Giles suddenly appears behind her.
His elocution is slightly deranged. Then he grabs her by the collar of her robe.
She tells him that she and Harris talked
about him and that she has deduced Harris is his brother and Harris's real name
is Harrison, and that the detective was going to the asylum to visit Giles. Giles admits to doing the killing because he
wanted to show up his brother. (Must be
part of the English psyche I don’t understand. That, and why the National Health Service lets people who are a danger
to themselves and others come and go as they please from a mental
institution.) The phone rings. It's Powell, who is returning her call. Giles wraps a garland around Kate's throat
(they must have really strong Christmas decorations over there) and stabs her.
Powell arrives shortly after this. (For a police force anywhere in the world, this must've been record time.) He makes a call to the special squad (whatever that is). They tell him that Harris has been in his apartment all night. (What? He was at the restaurant….)
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| Caroline Munro realizes what kind of movie she's in. | Giles listens intently while Kate explains why mistletoe belt buckles don't work. |
A
Metrocop tells Powell they think they've spotted their man in a garage area. Powell goes in while Giles opens an unlocked
car door and ducks into the back seat. Powell opens said door, but Giles is not in there; he's sneaking around
elsewhere while setting something up with jumper cables. Powell opens another car door and is
electrocuted while Giles watches. (For
people who know for electrical matters, it's not a very convincing scene. If the killer had hooked both lines up to
the same area on car, it would've merely burned out the line. In other words, there was no
easy current path through Powell.)
Giles
goes back to his hideout and gives the Experience Girl a small bag of
food. When she protests that she can't
eat with her hands tied, he undoes her chains. She reminds him it's Christmas.
(And we note it is well past Boxing Day.) He says he hates Christmas. She turns up the Christmas memories everyone else has, which causes him
to double over with his hands on his ears. While he's down, she hits him with a convenient pipe.
She runs for the door, but it's locked and
she doesn't see the key. He holds up
the key and explains that he was going to kill her later. She throws some chains at his face.
Cut
to shot of her running up several flights of stairs in one of those large,
circular stairwell halls. (No, we
didn't see how she got the key from Giles.) Giles, carrying the chains, follows her up and corners her at the top
level. He swings the chain at her. It misses her, but the end goes over the
railing. She grabs the free end, pulls,
and yanks Giles over the edge.
She
walks down the stairs and approaches the motionless body. Slowly. He jumps up and grabs her by the throat.
(Gee, what a surprise….)
Cut
to a child at a Christmas party with adults. Enter Santa with a bag of presents.
Ian (Harris's real first name) there too. A voiceover calls the child Gerry, but we have to assume this is
young Giles. He unwraps his
present. It's a Swiss Army knife.
Gerry
(or Giles or what have you) goes upstairs with his new knife and sees Santa
getting busy with a blonde. A woman (who
may have been the voiceover and was probably Gerry's or Giles' or whatever's
mother) comes in and freaks. Santa
knocks her down the stairs while Gerry (or, oh, to Hell with it) is standing at
the top of the stairs with his new knife. (Somehow, it's not as poignant as Ebenezer Scrooge's negative yuletide
experiences, nor is it as interesting as Phoebe Cates's character's urban
legend in Gremlins (1984)).
Harris
wakes up. It was a dream. (Yes. It was all a dream. This whole
exercise in poor storytelling never happened.) He finds the package from before.
(Oh, now they open the script.) The attached card says, "A Christmas present from your loving
brother." He unwraps it. (No, this isn't Se7en (1995), so this
isn't a part from the party of the first part.) It's a small wooden box. He opens it.
It's a music box
with a spinning Santa. He sits down
next to it. It explodes in slow
motion. Roll credits.
The
Good Stuff
In
the Spirit of The Season
It's
in focus. That's a good thing for a
movie.
There
are numerous shots of London. If you
like that sort of thing, these are good shots. Hopefully, you like the spinning New Scotland Yard sign because you see
a lot of that.
There
are a couple of topless women. If
you're into that sort of thing is important to you, they're in this movie, too.
There's
some gore. If that sort of thing is
important to you, it's in this….
Aw,
to Hell with it. I don't care how much
I've vowed to find Good Things about all movies. Even taking into account the charity of the season, those four
are the best I can do. And I
tried. I really, really tried.
The Bad Stuff
Missing Scenes
This
story has a bad sense of continuity. Aside from the number of "killing days 'til Christmas," there
are no glaring errors. However, several
scenes either go nowhere or do not introduce new information. In particular, note the scene where Kate
goes to Parklands. She arrives, a
receptionist tells her to go in, and then the sequence is dropped. The end credits for the movie refers to
Doctor Bridle (as played by Nicholas Donnelly), but the story as presented does
not include this character. We suspect
that the scene with Bridle, which is probably where Kate was going, either
ended up on the cutting room floor or was never really filmed. For that latter possibility, it might've
been that the end credits were composed while the rest of the feature was in
production.
Dead Santas Aren't Much Fun, Either
Most
of the "Santacide" scenes feel tacked on. Picture if you will a soulless "dead teenagers" movie from
the early '80's. Although most of the
characters are introduced shortly before a graphic end, they usually have some
form of interaction with the main characters. Now, picture the victims being introduced, say, across town, with no
honest connection to the rest of the characters. The Santacides are equally meaningless, and the unimaginative
methods used make them doubly so. Without any way to confirm this, please
also not that the opening credits include Al McGoohan for "additional
scenes." You do the math.
Furthermore,
I suspect these scenes were added to sell the movie. Not that this tactic worked, mind you, but that might've been the
motive. And to make room for these
unconnected scenes, they might've dropped out a few things. Simple things, like,
the blasted plot. If this was the case, then that may be how
they lost the scene with Doctor Bridle.
Even
Inspector Lestrade Could Get This One
This
movie is to murder mysteries what a connect-the-dots puzzle is to Mensa
exams. If you accept the convention
that the killer has to be one of the characters, then you get three to choose
from. Is it Cliff? You know from the beginning it couldn't be,
although in a more interesting story, it would've been possible that the murder
of Kate's father was an unrelated crime, and Cliff had masterminded it. Is it Harris?
Maybe, but it feels too obvious for a work of fiction. Is it Giles? Could be, but, again, it seems too obvious; however, since we see
so little of him, it seems more likely. Gerry would've made an interesting suspect, but he's out of the picture
before you can say plum pudding. When
the serial killer is revealed to be Giles, there is no sense of
astonishment. (It is because of this
absence of a sense of discovery that I feel no guilt for revealing the ending.)
The
Who Cares Stuff
Notes
on the Cast and Crew
Edmund
Purdom (director, Harris) made the move from Shakespeare to movies in the early
'50's. He quickly got major roles in
some major movies. Unfortunately, most
of them flopped. He broke with the
Hollywood system, doing mostly Italian movies and appearing in films like Il
Castello della Paura (1973, a.k.a. Dr. Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks),
Pieces
(1981), 2019 Dopo la Caduta di New York (1983, a.k.a. After the Fall of New
York), and Ator (1983). Has he become
the Continental John Agar? You
decide....
Derek
Ford (writer, one of the circus Santas) co-wrote the Sherlock Holmes vs. Jack
the Ripper movie A
Study in Terror (1964), went on to British sex comedies throughout the 70's.
The
acting career of Alan Lake (Giles) had various obstacles. Although he had various bit parts in
television and movies, he was limited by a previously broken back and was
imprisoned for a pub brawl in the early '70's. Most of his work in movies was in sex comedies and crime dramas.
Not long after making this movie, his wife,
Diana Dors, died from meningitis, and he committed suicide.
Gerry
Sundquist (Cliff) had various bit parts. Fans of the series Space: 1999 may remember him as the overly ambitious
Malic in "The Dorcons." He
committed suicide in 1993.
Kevin
Lloyd (Gerry) was a stage actor in the '70's and a regular on various TV
shows. Fans of The Bill may remember
him as Tosh Lines. Unfortunately, he
became an alcoholic and was fired from that series. He died during a post rehab binge.
Caroline
Munro (herself) is probably best known as the scantily clad Margiana in The
Golden Voyage of Sinbad (1974), the Barbarella clad adventuress in Starcrash
(1979), and the
bikini clad assassin in The Spy Who Loved Me (1977). And yes, guys, she does look good in a tight red sequined dress
(even if the whole scene does look out of place).
Dick
Randall and Stephen Minasian (producers) also gave us Pieces and Slaughter High
(1986), which also featured Ms. Munro and Kelly Baker (who played the
Experience Girl in this one). Graceless
side note: By some odd coincidence, there's a high mortality rate for people
who have worked for these guys. Consider Simon Scuddamore, who played Marty in
Slaughter High and
committed suicide shortly after that film's release.
Roots,
Shoots, and Other Compares
Compliments of the Season. Although the yuletide season is traditionally a time of peace and goodwill in the Western world, there are a number of movies about holiday homicides. The following list concentrates on Christmas serial and mass killings, but intentionally excludes those with a particularly tenuous link to the season (e.g.., Die Hard).
Tales
from the Crypt (1972) – One of the Amicus anthologies. The first segment, "All Through the
House," features a homicidal Santa, which has also been retold in the TV
series by the same name.
Silent
Night, Bloody Night (1973) – Killings begin in a small town with a mysterious
past. Underrated.
Black
Christmas (1974, a.k.a. Silent Night, Evil Night and Stranger in the
House) –
Sorority girls during Christmas break are victimized by psycho killer hiding in
their attic. Overrated.
You'd
Better Watch Out (1980) – A disillusioned toy maker snaps and goes on a killing
spree while dressed as Santa.
Silent
Night, Deadly Night (1984) – Axe wielding Santa. Probably owes more to the protests against it than to its
content.
Silent
Night, Deadly Night Part II (1987) – The killer's younger brother fills
in. Recycles a lot from the original
(?) movie.
Silent
Night, Deadly Night III - Better Watch Out! (1989) – OK. This time the younger brother has a psychic
link with a blind woman.
Silent
Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation (1990) – Bizarre, but doesn't really have
anything to with killer Santas.
Silent
Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1992) – Killer toys in a name only
sequel.
Santa Claws (1996) – Obsessed fan of a scream queen picks up a hand weeder and becomes a killer Santa.
Jack Frost (1997) – Homicidal snowman. I can't decide.
Is it OK for a movie to be silly if that was the point? (Cf. the
"more serious" Jack Frost (1998))
And
last but not least,
The
Spirit of Christmas (1995) Jesus and Santa duke it out. ("There can only be one!")
Although this was not their first work, it
brought national attention to Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and a community called
South Park. (Cf. this year's South Park
Christmas extravaganza: All singing. All dancing. All guaranteed to
offend everybody.)
The
Bottom Line
Serial
killer in London goes after men dressed as Father Christmas. Depressingly bad murder mystery (as opposed
to mystery play). Messy killings and a
cameo by Caroline Munro feel tacked on. Missing details from the plot. Can't
call it mean spirited; it doesn't have a spirit. Recommended for non-discriminating fans of London footage and the
rotating sign at New Scotland Yard. Not recommended for cynics who are looking
for an escape from traditional seasonal
fare; this one will depress them even more.
Published 24 December 1999
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