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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
 Posted - 09/18/2005 : 09:42:19 AM
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Yeah, I said I'd give it up, but I'm too weak and this show needs a couple more installments pummeled before I'm satisfied that it's down. Having said that, here's the two episodes that are so bad even the folks at Pamplin Entertainment don't want you to see them anymore.
Big, Big Book in a Nutshell
Like I believe I said before, there’s no point in doing a full review of Big, Big Book, as the whole thing would just be a few paragraphs repeating, “Oh Lord, here the kids are performing another stupid song dressed like they’re in a 50’s malt shop, when will this ever end? Oh, that song’s over, here comes Bibleman to sling some random Bible passage with questionable applicability.” I know the average Bibleman episode isn’t what you’d call eventful, but it at least tries to pretend it has a plot. Instead, I’ll just do a short compilation of big things I found to razz about it.
The general plot is that some Bible school kids, a few I recognized from the Fibbler episode and quite a few more that are never seen again, are putting on some songs in one their garages for all the neighborhood kids to see.
-The kids are afraid their show will bomb. Overhearing this by listening through the door, which I find objectionable enough for a character intended to be a role model, Miles decides to change into Bibleman to give them a pep talk and restore their confidence. And there’s the fact that they wouldn’t open up to Miles about their fears, but could barely fall over themselves fast enough to tell Bibleman. Isn’t this sort of the worship of icons, if these kids will only listen to suggestions to listen to God’s word or confide their fears in a flashy superhero character?
-And by the way, Miles at this stage is portrayed as a huge comical dorkus who has to be reminded to do things like open doors before he tries to go through them. The Adam West Batman on his worst days didn’t look as stupid as they make Miles look. Of course, he’s actually the dashing and convicted Bibleman, so his over-the-top blundering is just a…*ahem* clever smokescreen to keep anyone from noticing the truth.
-Bibleman tells the kids about the time he took on Dr. Decepto and lost. How’d he get through it? He prayed to God for courage and faith. Yes, he actually says he prayed to God for faith. Now stop me if I’m wrong, because I’m certainly no theologian, but isn’t having faith what compels one to pray in the first place?
-One of the kids tells his dad to go out and stall the kids attending for a few minutes while they get ready for the first number, and he lets them in after like twenty seconds. Thanks, dad.
-One of the kids waiting to be let in says she’s heard that there’s a secret special appearance by somebody famous for the show and wonders who it is. This is hilarious because another girl just said, “Hey mister, I want to see the Bibleman show!” It’s common knowledge that this is “the Bibleman show,” and they’re wondering who the celebrity appearance will be? And I’m sure the life-size cardboard replica of Our Hero on stage won’t give anything away. No wonder you can only get this movie second hand.
That's it for now. Stay tuned for our feature presentation!
No, as a matter of fact, there has never been one single time where I've been mellow. |
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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
Posted - 09/18/2005 : 2:30:18 PM
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Back to School
Back of Box Fun: In this episode Bibleman's neighborhood friends invite him to come along as they bring the dynamic Bibleman Show to the entire school. Then, join Bibleman as he challenges the malevolent Madame Glitz. Will she keep him captive? Will he break free from her evil snair (sic!)? Stay tuned and find out!
As soon as the cavity-inducing theme song ends, we’re assaulted with another scriptural Kidz Bop ditty. Some kids are loading props and costumes into a mobile home, and I’m asked to “climb aboard the Bible” because “we’re going on a trip.” Apparently we’ll even “go on a safari, every animal to see. From dinosaurs, to whales, and a snake beside a tree.” Uh…what book of the Bible had dinosaurs in it?
Next door, we see Miles Peterson standing in what tries to pass itself off as a lavish den/office and place a call on a huge cordless phone and call “Mr. Davis,” his next door neighbor. He says that he’s watching the kids practice their song in the driveway, and then adds, “Oh, so the kids ARE performing at school today…” I fail to see the point of this call. After all, it prominently reads “The Bibleman Show” on the side of the mobile home the kids are packing up, and Miles, as you may or may not know, IS Bibleman, so unless they were planning on telling Bibleman about the performance once they got to school, he’d know this already. And you have to think he does when he practically says with a knowing wink to the camera, "Say hi to Bibleman for me." Not to mention that when they get to school, the kids don't perform this song, so why are they rehearsing it?
Then again, the point of the phone is probably so he’d be distracted and not notice when a huge biker guy suddenly enters the shot and grabs Miles before dragging him away. For a superhero, Miles sure has bad security if some Hell‘s Angel can just waltz into his house like this. Especially since he’s evidently the kind of superhero whose enemies know his secret identity. We then see Miles’ abduction shift to being seen on a TV screen and meet the devious mastermind behind the fell deed of trying to make him miss his appearance at a grade school assembly: Madame Glitz, a very average-looking lady except for having apparently put on her make up this morning by smashing her face down on the vanity.
Next door, the kids are all set to go, and we even get to meet Sheila and Andre, two new members of their troupe. How nice to meet them and then have them disappear forever after this episode. The dad from last episode who I presume to be Mr. Davis herds the kids into the Mobile Home of Righteousness and they start singing another treacly song about how we should “get on the Bible Train” and all the neato things we’ll learn about God and his teachings as we take a trip on this big scream machine before they pull up to some elementary school somewhere. What with all the balking at religious expression in public schools these last few years, I found the idea of a performance about the glories of a particular religion being allowed somewhat dubious. And it can’t be a Catholic school or something because…what would the point be?
We meet two students when they walk up to a poster for the show, Cynical Kid and Nice Kid Who Just Wants to be Accepted. Cynical Kid bets Bibleman won’t show, and is looking forward to that, because, “I love it when famous people don’t show up. Then you can boo and hiss and stuff” says the writer from planet Never Had a Childhood. Cynical Kid even makes a bet with Nice Kid, that if Bibleman doesn’t show up, he gets Nice Kid’s comic book, and vice versa if he does. What the hell ever. Something in the back of my mind tells me that winning over Cynical Kid will be Bibleman’s real triumph this episode.
We cut to a sound room in a TV studio where Miles is tied to a chair with bright yellow ropes. He recognizes Glitz’s voice over a pestilential public address system, and demands, “Why are you doing this?!” The answer is she wants people to look at her and her awesomeness instead of Bibleman and his awesomeness, but if Miles could recognize her by voice alone you’d think he’d be familiar enough with her profile to know something about her vanity. He predictably replies that it isn’t Bibleman people want, it’s the Truth of the Word. Then why have Bibleman at all if that’s what people want? Why not just have a pastor come out and talk to the kids? And besides, the kids' willingness to open up to Bibleman when they wouldn't open up to a normal guy in Big, Big Book inclines one to think that Miles can't be totally correct.
“You’re making a grave mistake, Glitz! Proverbs 16:18 says pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall!” Whoa, Miles, that’s a whole different episode. Besides the inspiring scripture, this helps to illustrate a fatal flaw in Glitz’s plan; namely, Glitz didn’t have Miles gagged, and at this point he was still actually transformed by prayer, he didn’t dress up in a bunch of gizmos he invented. So if he shut up with the chapter and verse and called out to God for strength to smite His enemies right now, he would become Bibleman, and I don’t see a couple of crappy pet tie out ropes holding God’s avenger for long.
Back to the school, where one of the kids says Bibleman hasn’t shown up yet, but they’ll sing for the assembly until he does. Cynical Kid is in the audience looking disgusted as Nice Kid along with the rest of the audience claps up a storm for the first number. The Bible has 66 books, did you know that? I do after this song.
Backstage, the kids are getting a little worried that Bibleman still hasn’t shown up. Don’t they have some way to call him if he’s a part of this show? If he wants to use their performances as a way of reaching kids and converting them to his faith so much, couldn’t he give them some version of the watch Jimmy Olsen had to call Superman if he got in trouble? One of the kids makes a joke that maybe he stopped for a Bible Burger on the way. Well heck, what with how Big B marketed his image to action figures, t-shirts, dress up costumes, birthday party supplies and as of Tuesday a video game, how hard is it to imagine a chain of burger joints in his name? Scripture-size it!
Another song begins, but is mercifully interrupted when we cut back to Miles tied up in Glitz‘s basement. If she really wants to get rid of him and his preaching, shouldn‘t she have had that biker guy come back here and poke some holes in his rib cage by now? “Father, in John 8:32, you tell us that if we know the truth, the truth will set us free,” Miles says to the heavens, and suddenly he begins to sparkle and…my Lord, I feel stupid just typing this, the ropes slough off. Too bad he didn't try that trick when Drool had him bound. Anyway, uh, yeah it does say that Bible Crew, but I don’t think God meant it literally. What a dumb show. I’d be embarrassed that I ever thought that was a good idea too.
We get more insipid singing about how we gotta read the book, then Madame Glitz in her security guard’s office suddenly looks up to see the chair empty and Bibleman standing behind her. “Psalm 1:27:1 says that unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain, and your house is about to fall!” Psalms say her house is about to fall? She demands to know how he did it, and he (are you surprised?) replies with Phillipians 4:13. Frankly Big B, I think it’s kind of pathetic you’d need Christ’s help when your own stupid inattention got you into this mess in the first place. Yeah, he’s just a man, and men make mistakes, but when men take up the fight against Evil they usually adopt behaviors like being cautious. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Then the power of God’s mercy sucks Glitz into a TV screen or something, and Bibleman just walks away. That's right, he quotes a few scriptures and then the villain is just vacuumed into a TV. No laser pen swordfighting or anything.
Back at school, the curtain comes down after two whole songs and Cynical Kid demands Nice Kid’s comic as per their deal. But just then a cheesy light signifies that Bibleman is appearing via his Teleportation System of Salvation. “I can’t believe it!” says Cynical Kid. “Believe it!” Nice Kid gleefully replies as he appropriates Cynical Kid’s comic book.
Sayeth the holy Dork: “It’s great to be back in school again, and I’m so happy to see so many books out there! All of these books are very interesting, and reading is one of the best ways to learn about our world and our universe, so keep up the good work. Of course, my favorite book is the Bible [HK: No kidding, I would’ve sworn blind it was the Encyclopedia Brittanica]. In the Bible, you can learn about history, science, astronomy and politics [HK: Uh, sure], but most of all the Bible tells us about how to live our lives, and it‘s helped me in so many different ways. That’s why my favorite book is the Bible. But like any book, it doesn’t do much good if you don’t take the time to read it and study it, and learn its lessons as well. Thank you for letting me come into your school today and remember to read God’s Word. It’s the greatest book of all. [HK: I simply refuse to believe this would be allowed in a public school in this day and age, even ten years ago].”
Then there’s another corny song about walking in His word, and simple as that, the uninspired speech and song has turned Cynical Kid into a believer who’s going to give his life to Jesus Christ. “Comic books are tame compared to this stuff! I’m gonna go get me one of these Bibles!” And then Sheila comes out and performs a song, but you probably care as much as I did. Then I think they cut the part where Superintendent Chalmers comes in and throws them all out on their Biblical behinds. After watching this, I have to say Bibleman has actually gotten less lame over the years. Not necessarily better, but less lame. Holy crap.
Summation: Das Poop.
No, as a matter of fact, there has never been one single time where I've been mellow. |
Edited by - hk6909 on 09/25/2005 09:24:22 AM |
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UnknownSubject
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Australia
212 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2005 : 11:38:14 PM
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quote:
One of the kids makes a joke that maybe he stopped for a Bible Burger on the way. Well heck, what with how Big B marketed his image to action figures, t-shirts, dress up costumes, birthday party supplies and as of Tuesday a video game, how hard is it to imagine a chain of burger joints in his name? Scripture-size it!
Meanwhile, at the Bibleman Burger Emporium:
"Yes, I'll have the low fat New Testament Bible Burger, hold the Lot's Wife, a Goliath-sized coke and a side order of Sinners Will Fries. My wife will have the Good Friday Fishburger, a salad with Burning Bush Chili dressing and some Lent Pancakes, please."
Spandex Cinema
http://sc.thebeholder.org
Latest Review - "The Punisher" (2004) |
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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
Posted - 09/23/2005 : 11:19:45 AM
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Nice one, UnSub. :)
Hell of a lot funnier than the joke they actually made.
No, as a matter of fact, there has never been one single time where I've been mellow. |
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Greenhornet
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1791 Posts |
Posted - 09/23/2005 : 11:48:29 AM
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| Agreed, good "marketing"! |
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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2005 : 5:04:57 PM
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Can't you just see a breakfast cereal named after Bibleman too?
Eat Bible Crunchies! They're gospel-icious!
No, as a matter of fact, there has never been one single time where I've been mellow. |
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John Nowak
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1017 Posts |
Posted - 10/02/2005 : 9:29:05 PM
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>Uh…what book of the Bible had dinosaurs in it?
"The Epistle of Barney" can be found in Job 2: Electric Boogaloo.
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We've always been united in stupidity. That's why there is no hope. But, then again, when has that ever stopped us?
-- hbrennan |
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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
Posted - 10/19/2005 : 5:02:05 PM
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I've got reviews of two more Bibleman eps in the works, and I want to say I'm sorry for jumping all over the series like I have.
No, as a matter of fact, there has never been one single time where I've been mellow. |
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Bibleman: The Lost Episodes
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