Flowers in
the Attic
Hollywood again shows its reverence for the printed word, adapting yet another
Bad Novel into yet another Bad Movie. And while I should avoid the obvious, there's no
getting around it: a more accurate title would be "Bats in the Belfry".
-review by Ken Begg
Forbidden
Dance
Part of the Lambada double bill!
-review by Ken Begg
Frankenstein
Island
Jerry Warren produced and (sort of) directed an
uncompromisingly inept slate of sci-fi films starting in the 1950s. Warren
would most often procure a foreign film, one from Mexico or Brazil or
Sweden. He would remove from these what he wanted and build another (sort
of) film out of the parts, pasted together with, well, ‘original’
footage might be a tad kind. Actually, now that I think of it, Warren
should therefore have had a better grasp of Frankenstein than Frankenstein
Island indicates. After all, both assembled monstrous creations from
the dead parts of others. (2/13/2000)
-review by Ken Begg
Freddy Got
Fingered:
My advice? Don't get in a fight with Jabootu correspondent Eva
Vandergeld. Anyone who can sit through a Tom Green movie and
live to tell the tale shouldn't be messed with. (02/09/02)
From Hell It Came
Warning: While I’ve tried not to pursue my youthful love of puns in these
reviews, I couldn’t ignore all the obvious ‘tree’ jokes. You’ve been
warned. Still, sometimes it’s a treat to go back to the really brainlessy goofy
stuff. Your Giant Claws, your Jungle Hells, and, yes, your From Hell It
Cames.
-review by Ken Begg
Future War
Uhm, cyborgs...dinosaurs...spaceships...Van Damme wannabes...cardboard
boxes (lots of those).... It's all part of the B-Masters' Cable
Time Travel Roundtable. (04/11/04)
-review by Ken Begg
The
Giant Claw
(originally posted 6/8/97, re-commissioned
2/16/2000...)
See how it all started with the first review posted at our original
site. Ah, they don't make 'em like this anymore.
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration
by Brandi Weed
Girl in Gold
Boots
...It was on the strength of Mr. Mikels’ name that I bought my copy of the
previously unknown (to me, anyway) Girl in Gold Boots. After, that is, the
horrendously juvenile cartoon ‘artwork’ on the cover drew my eye to the tape in
the first place. (...And imagine my delight when I found out that they actually misspelled
the main character’s name in the box copy!)
-review by Ken Begg
The Harrad
Experiment
Some Bad Movies have that delicious quality of having been so cutting edge, that
they became dated before they were even released to theaters...
-review by Ken Begg
Highlander
II
"I must confess to having but one motivation--Revenge"
-review by Jason
MacIsaac
The Holcroft
Covenant Most likely, Caine just knows when he’s in a film purely for
the paycheck. In any case, The Holcroft Covenant contains what must be one of
Caine’s worst screen performances. Like every other ‘character’ in the
film, Caine’s is never believable for the slightest moment. Still, one should note
that he gives it the old college try, even here. I’m sure he gave the film’s
director everything he asked for. Also making a repeat appearance is Victoria Tennant,
last seen fatally fleeing a cookie in the understated family drama, Flowers in the
Attic (actually made two years after this).
-review by Ken Begg
Invisible
Ghost
We travel back to the early days of the Bad Movie with Jabootu pioneer
Bela Lugosi.
- review by Ken Begg (1/13/01)
The Island
of Dr. Moreau
I have a theory. There are two Marlon Brandos, and no, that ain't a fat joke...
-review by Jason MacIsaac.
"It's
Alive!"
Wet suits
and ping-pong balls do not a dinosaur make. It's a Buchananarama
for the B-Masters' Cabal. (06/28/03)
The Jaws Series:
Jaws
It's a classic!
--reviewed by Ken Begg (09/05/03)
Jaws 2
It's not a classic!
--review by Ken Begg (09/13/03)
Jaws
3-D
Dim, desultory & dunderheaded, apparently.
--review by Ken Begg (09/20/30)
Jaws:
The Revenge
Ok, this one sucks.
--review by Ken Begg (09/27/03)
Johnny
Mnemonic
Matrix, I must admit, looks pretty damn cool. This despite one very big reason to
doubt its quality: It’s a Cyberpunk Science Fiction Movie starring Keanu Reeves. And
if History is to be any guide, that’s very bad news. For if the hoary stench of
Jabootu has emanated from any single sci-fi movie of the ‘90s, it’s Reeve’s
Johnny Mnemonic. Ah, Johnny Mnemonic!
-review by Ken Begg
Jungle Hell
Actually, "Elephant Hell" or "Stock Footage Hell" would be
much more appropriate. Still, if you've ever hungered to know what Sabu movie was the
worst, look no further...
-review by Ken Begg
Lambada
& The Forbidden Dance
The B-Masters exchange Cannon fire in our latest
roundtable. Ken's guns are trained at the company final chapter,
as Cannon's founders release dueling Lambada movies.
The Last
Dinosaur
Your generic Ahab stand-in comes across your generic "Lost
World/Continent/Whatever" and fights your generic Last Dinosaur. Any questions?
The
Lonely Lady
(originally posted 6/15/97,de-commissioned
2/16/2000...)
This 1983 Pia Zadora classic exposes the <gasp> sleazy side of
Hollywood... again.
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration
by Brandi Weed
Magnificent Obsession
It should be noted that of the film’s reviewed here so far, only
Magnificent Obsession was a huge hit. It was one of the very top box office hits of
1954, and for many years after was considered a classic. Also noteworthy is that this is
the first "chick-flick" so far, and contains the first overt invitation to flame
us as well. -review by Ken Begg
The
Master Gunfighter
The B-Masters' Cabal sets out for the Gunfight at the Not At All
OK Corral. Ol' Klondike Ken, for his part, draws down on Tom
"Billy Jack" Laughlin, aka The Master Gunfighter.
-review by Ken Begg
Maximum
Overdrive
More cinematic atrocities have been committed in the name of
Stephen King than any other author. Maximum Overdrive was written for the
screen and directed by...Stephen King. Mr. King has officially renounced all rights to
complain about what hack filmmakers do to his writings henceforth, because he has proven
he can trash them up there with the worst of them.
-review by Jason MacIsaac
MegaForce
What’s one clue that you’re in for a big steaming bowl of cinematic
crapola? When you can’t even make it through the opening credits without feeling like
you’ve been kicked in the head.
Mortal
Kombat: Annihilation
The super team of Eva Vandergeld and Patrick Coyle
unleash their deadly 'trenchant observation technique' on this woeful
martial arts/video game sequel. (07/03/04)
-review by Eva Vandergeld & Patrick Coyle
On Deadly
Ground
Take an overpaid and under talented star at the very peak of his earning powers,
let him not only star in his own big-budgeted pet project, but write and direct it as
well. Swirl in the obligatory, Hollywood lefty agitprop ("Sure, the kids will see
some action and have a good time, but they’ll also learn something"). Finally,
spice it liberally with the humiliation of a respected veteran movie actor who has more
talent in his nose hair than Seagal has in his family, and you end up with the recipe for
On Deadly Ground.
-review by Ken Begg
Orca
Dino De Laurentiis has seemingly produced more Bad Movies than everyone else put
together. He hit an especially rich period when he became obsessed with the idea of
outdoing Jaws, case in point...
-review by Ken Begg
The Oscar
The annual presentation of the Academy Awards approaches. So what could be more
timely than to examine The Oscar, one of Hollywood’s greatest fiascoes? -review
by Ken Begg
The Patriot
Unfortunately, Steven
Seagal opens his big mouth more than his big Can o' Whupass in this
latest addition of the Seagal Chronicles. (6/16/2000)
-Review by Ken
Begg
Prayer
of the Rollerboys
Members of the B-Master's Cabal assign each other a movie.
So you can blame Andrew Borntreger of Badmovies.org for this
one. I know I do.
- review by Ken Begg (11/17/01)
The
Promise
The Promise is a Chick Flick. Now, when I say Chick Flicks, I mean something
deeper than a film having a non-macho orientation. No, I refer to movies that are designed
to appeal to all that is alien to men in the female mind. That serve to reconfirm to males
that women are completely insane, utterly different and, ultimately, wholly unknowable.
Sort of the gender opposite of the Three Stooges.
-review by Ken Begg
Prophecy
...An "environmentally conscious" Horror Movie directed with ponderous,
undigested dollops of "artistry" by name director John
Frankenhiemer.
The
Queen of Outer Space
A highly realistic portrayal of the American Space Program. Part of the
B-Master Cabal's Body Parts Roundtable.
- review by Ken Begg (8/11/01)
Raiders of the Living Dead
Awarding a film the title of Worst Zombie Movie is certainly a
crapshoot--Zombie Lake,
anyone?--but this is certainly a contender. Ironically, like
the Frankenstein Monster it was stitched together from parts taken
from several other inert motion pictures. Learn the 'grave'
details, ha ha. (10/31/04)
-review by Ken Begg
Reptilicus
Copenhagen is
crumbling under the assault of Reptilicus! It's all part of the
latest B-Masters' Cabal Roundtable. Start here and work your way
through this garden of delights! (8/11/2000)
-Review by Ken
Begg
Robot Holocaust
Aficionados of Mystery Science Theater 3000 will
recall our subject with some affection. One of the earliest shows during the
program’s cable run, Robot Holocaust quickly established itself as a
fan favorite. Tom Servo, surveying any desolate field or cityscape, would for
years to follow solemnly intone the final section of the opening narration...
(4/16/2000)
-Review by Ken
Begg
Robot
Monster (part of the Bangs 'n' Whimpers collective)
Jabootu's second foray into
"cooperative venture" territory, Robot
Monster provides one film's take on how the world as we know
it might end. Ken HPoJ provides one man's take on that
notoriously silly film. (12/26/99)
-Review by Ken Begg
Rock
‘n Roll Nightmare
(originally posted 7/25/97, re-commissioned 2/16/2000...)
...claims its place as one of the great unheralded horror comedies of
the 1980s. (Review not long enough to warrant a separate web pages for a
long version; Word doc is again a twin of the condensed version.)
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration
by Brandi Weed
R.O.T.O.R.
Did you know that RoboCop has a retarded cousin he never talks about?
- Review by Ken Begg (12/09/00)
Santa
Claus
(originally posted 6/15/97, re-commissioned
2/16/2000...)
Santa, with the help of Merlin the Wizard, fights the devil over the
fate of Mexico.
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration
by Brandi Weed
Sea Serpent
Well, it took the World of Cinema almost thirty years to come up with a monster
as goofy as The Giant Claw, but they finally succeeded with this flick...
-Review by Ken Begg
Sextette
"Even the layman will quickly perceive how having the
octogenarian Mae West toss out sexually oriented japes affronts
everything that human civilization stands for..." ( 4/2/2000)
-Review by Ken Begg
Sheena
It's a Bad Movie site two-fer as Andrew Borntreger of Badmovies.org
and I visit with the Queen of the Jungle and her amazing herba! [No,
that's not a typo]] (07/12/02)su
-Review by
Ken Begg
Showgirls
(originally posted 7/25/97, re-commissioned 2/16/2000...)
What Bad Movie page would be complete without this
shining example? (Note: This film isn't complex enough to earn one of my
"insanely long web documents", so the zipped Word file is the
same as the condensed version.)
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration
by Brandi Weed
Sincerely
Yours
Experience the raw sexual charisma that made Liberace
such a chick magnet.
- review by Ken Begg (2/10/01)
Sphere
Any given movie will most likely hurt Bad when it tells us it was based on, inspired by,
or ‘faithfully’ adapted from a story by : Edgar Alan Poe, Brahm Stoker, H.P.
Lovecraft, Stephen King, or (most recently) Michael Crichton.
-The premiere
appearance of the work of Douglas Milroy.
Stacy's Knights
Jabootu guest reviewer and filmmaker Chris Magyar takes the deck to deal
a little justice to this early Kevin Costner vehicle, which didn't
'suit' him. (01/02/05)
-review by Chris Magyar
Star Trek V:
The Final Frontier
The Federation faces the greatest threat to its existence: William Shatner's
rampaging ego. See his tender valentine to his own character, Captain James T. Kirk.
-review
by Ken Begg
A Stranger
Among Us
Now, we all know that there’s only one taboo word in Hollywood: Originality.
But still, A Stranger Among Us must surely rank as one of the all-time, most naked
rip-offs in cinema history.
-review by Ken Begg
Supersonic
Man
Here’s a dirty little secret about the Europeans: They love our movies. In fact, they
love them so much that they spend a lot of time (if little money or logic) aping them.
Which brings us to Supersonic Man, a Spanish/Italian co-production that rips
off (and if you haven’t figured this out, you should now leave the room) the
Christopher Reeve/Richard Donner flick Superman...
-review by Ken Begg
Street
Wars
The horrors of the drug trade are exposed in this gritty,
slice-of-life drama!
- review by Ken Begg (10/06/00)
The
Super Ninja
The Cabal takes on hordes of Ninjas. You bastard! (02/09/02)
Superman
IV: The Quest for Peace
The Cabal fights the evil forces of Bad Movies! Me? I take
on the Man of Steel himself. Keep your mitts off my nukes,
Superman!! (05/18/02)su
The
Swarm
(originally posted 9/7/97; re-commissioned 2/16/2000...)
King of the Bee Movies, this star studded monstrosity inspired my
longest text piece. I'd just check out the short version, if I were you.
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration
by Brandi Weed
Teenage
Zombies
From the makers of Frankenstein Island!
- review by Ken Begg (11/11/00)
Terminal
Island
And now it's time to discuss that lovely sub-genre of film known as the Women in Prison
(WIP) movie. Like slashers, they follow a simple formula so rigidly that you could call it
a template. Our subject for today, Terminal Island, is technically a WIP
flick, although it doesn't have a prison. Instead, inmates are simply dumped on the island
and left to fend for themselves. (I wouldn't go comparing this to Escape From New York,
made 8 years later. If I were John Carpenter and somebody speculated this might have
‘inspired’ my movie, I'd sue the blood out of them.)...
-review by Jason MacIsaac
They
Saved Hitler's Brain
Too bad they didn't have it write the movie. Part of the
B-Master Cabal's Body Parts Roundtale.
- review by Ken Begg (5/19/01)
Tomcats
Guest
reviewer Eva G. Vandergeld throws a mountain of shoes at this caterwauling
flick. (10/27/02)
The Uninvited
...there are the truly rare movies like The Uninvited. I swear, Jabootu took a
personal interest in this one. It’s not that they made this one bad on purpose, even
though that would be easier to understand. For this is one of those films whose plot
concept is so inherently untenable, so utterly devoid of any possibility of success, that
it strains credibility that it could have been produced.
-review by Ken Begg
It’s all there, isn’t it?
In terms of boiling down the traditional lures of violence and sex
into one short formulation, it’s perfect. (4/8/2000)
-Review by Ken Begg
Wheels of Terror
In 1971, an up and coming director with a number of TV credits
under his belt made a TV movie that was more or less an extended chase scene. It was a
simple story, and a well told one. Today, this director’s name is one of the best
known in Hollywood, and he’s directed or produced some of the top grossing films of
all time. This is not his story.
-Review by Jason MacIsaac
Wizards of the Lost
Kingdom
Films I haven’t been planning to review seldom jump ahead in line, and it
generally takes a lot to grab my attention. Recently, though, I was channel surfing and
came across a film so instantly and obviously atrocious that it demanded my immediate
regard, as I'm sure you'll agree.
-review by Ken Begg
Wizard of Mars
Believe it or not, the film is sort of, vaguely (very, very [very x10] vaguely), patterned
after The Wizard of Oz. Although there is nothing in the credits of the movie
itself, the IMDB actually throws a story credit to L. Frank Baum, author of the Oz
novels. (I'm sure the IMDB could put a stop to those rattling windows, door slammings and
dark apparitions haunting their offices if they'd just take that credit down and give
Baum's tormented spirit some peace.)
-review by Jason MacIsaac
Take A peek at
Jabootu's predecessor, Ken's World of Awful
Movies, maintained by the Ministry of Antiquities and National Treasures
of The Nation of Jabootu .
