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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
 Posted - 03/26/2006 : 10:34:58 PM
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Well, Twitterpate issued a demand for this, and not just that three-line review I gave. Here goes.
Last Friday night, my friend-girl Diane (we decided about two years ago we work better as friends than as a couple) and I had dinner then went to a movie. I remarked that if we could get into the early showing of Inside Man, I’d try to talk her into seeing that instead of the movie she wanted to see, The Hills Have Eyes.
Alas, t’was not to be.
This review’s gonna be pretty general in its descriptions, and I’m borrowing heavily from other detailed reviews I read since seeing this thing... sorta. I may be off on some of the details, but the movie doesn’t deserve any more effort than that, IMHO.
We open on a title noting the amount of nuclear testing done in the forties and fifties, stating that some people refused to leave the testing area. Uh huh. Then we have a brief scene involving (I presume) some guvmint workers in radiation suits checking out an area in the desert. We get a Killer-Vision shot, showing the guys through a pair of goggles. They come upon a man who is badly injured (read: gorily injured)... And they are attacked by, uh, someone.
Then comes the title sequence, which juxtaposes stock footage of nuclear bomb tests with images of deformed infants and children. (I read later on that these images were actually of victims of Agent Orange. I’ll go into this a little more later on, as it’s part of a pretty revolting “commentary” the director’s trying to pass off on us.) All of this is played over a serene country song. Willie Nelson, I think. Note to co-writer/director Alexandre Aja: when you’re giving us a slasher flick, you don’t want to rip off Dr. Strangelove. It’s pretentious and hints of contempt for the audience, like it’s your way of saying you’re smarter than those know-nothings sitting in the theater-- Oh, that’s really what you think? All right, never mind.
Fade up on a Decrepit Old Gas Station run by a Decrepit Old Gas Station Attendant. The attendant finds a duffel bag in his office, which contains some jewelry and a styrofoam clamshell food container that holds a severed ear. Attendant goes out running after whoever put that thing there. He stops at the entrance to a mine and makes a remark to the effect of, “I’m not gonna help you anymore.” And we learn that this is in an old A-bomb test area.
Along comes a Typical Slightly-Dysfunctional American Family, riding in an SUV towing an old Airstream trailer. They have names, but I forget them, so let’s give them a run-down, shall we? Mom (Kathleen Quinlan) is an ex-hippie turned holy roller. Pop (Ted Levine) is a former police detective who has recently retired and plans to set up his own security firm. We are given no other info on these folks, so I’ll assume Pop was a competent policeman; we’re certainly never told otherwise. He’s pretty stubborn; it was his idea to “take the scenic route” rather than get on the interstate for this 25th-Anniversary vacation. Here are their kids. I’ll call the oldest daughter Domino, since she’s played by Vinessa Shaw, who played a hooker by that name in Eyes Wide Shut. Then there’s Lost girl, played by Emilie De Ravin (who plays the young single mother in a little-known TV series called, well, you know). Sonny-Boy is a generic teen son. Oh, Domino has a baby, and she’s got Son-In-Law along with her. SIL is a sulking, whiny jerk. And stupid, to boot. He sells cell phones and complains about not getting a signal out here in the desert. Pop supposedly doesn’t like SIL because SIL is a liberal Democrat. I have a better reason: the guy is a complete tool who bad-mouths Domino behind her back and acts like a bad-tempered four-year-old most of the time. Finally, there are the family dogs: Beauty and Beast. I didn’t make that up.
(Message to Levine, Shaw, Quinlan, and De Ravin: Ladies and gent, you’re so much better than this. Why?! Why?!)
Back to the, uh, story. Pop fills the tank at the decrepit station. Old Attendant is smoking a cigar right next to the pumps, and he laughs at the family when they criticize him for this. Sonny has to use the john. He is about to go in a nearby shrub, but Lost Girl points out the outhouse. (He’d’ve been better off going in the bushes.) So, Sonny goes into the typically disgusting outhouse to relieve himself, and we get a musical sting when he sees someone’s eyes looking in through a crack in the wall. But nothing comes of this. During this scene, someone notes that Sonny Boy’s sweater has disappeared.
Meantime, Beauty jumps out of the car and runs into the store. Domino chases after her and gets ahold of her leash, but not before glancing at the duffel bag, which Decrepit Attendant was too stupid to hide (Idiot Plot Point 1). DA sees her, and he clearly didn’t want her to see that bag (although she doesn’t seem to make anything of it). He decides to take care of the situation. He goes out and suggests that the family take a shortcut, saying they’ll save two hours of driving.
Now, here we have two problems. (1) Would you listen to a guy dumb enough or crazy enough to a cigar right by a gas pump? And (2) Decrepit Old Attendants in slasher movies aren’t exactly trustworthy. But Pop, that 15-year police veteran, decides to take the guy’s advice (Idiot Plot Point 2).
So off they go, chugging down the short cut. A fairly sophisticated booby trap pops up, putting spikes through the wheels. The car crashes, but no one is hurt. But the damage to the SUV is bad enough that they ain’t goin’ nowhere. The family gets out and mills around trying to decide what to do. Beauty gets loose and goes chasing off into the canyon (I assume the dog wanted out of this movie), and Sonny goes after her.
There’s some forced character development; actually, it isn’t terrible, but it isn’t great either. The only thing that stuck in my mind is that Domino is still breast-feeding the baby, and she’s just starting to try and wean the kid off (unfortunately, this little tidbit will have a disgusting payoff later on).
Finally, Pop comes up with a plan. He’ll walk back to the gas station to try and get a ride to civilization, and SIL will go further down the short cut to try and find the highway (forgetting that the highway would be at least a day away on foot, even on the short cut). Apparently, his police training involved watching lotsa Scooby-Doo reruns. Before they go, Mom calls everyone in for a group prayer, which the others roll their eyes at. Pop would rather trust his big gun, and he gives another gun to SIL. At no time does anyone discover the spiked booby trap.
Sonny continues to look for Beauty. We hear a dog yelping off-screen. Hmmm, methinks Beauty met an untimely end. Finally, Sonny finds her-- quite dead, and gutted like a fish. There’s a musical sting as something passes in front of the camera out of Sonny’s sight. Sonny does the human thing: he panics and beats feet back toward the camper. But he trips and falls, knocking himself out (the fall looked bad enough to kill most people). And then a deformed little mutant girl shuffles on screen, wearing Sonny’s sweater, and keeps a sort of vigil over him. A deformed mutant adult comes up in the background, but I think that the little girl waved him off or something.
Next comes (from what I saw) the dumbest moment in the movie. SIL comes to the end of the “short cut” to find what looks like a giant graveyard of car and trailers. One long shot reveals that this junkyard is in the middle of a blast crater from the nuke tests. SIL goes through the area, showing mild curiosity, looking at all the cars and trucks. At one point, he looks in one and pulls a teddy bear out from the back seat. Two things came to mind here. (1) None of these vehicles looks ready for the scrap heap; all of them seem to be repairable, meaning that their occupants didn’t leave them voluntarily. (2) The “short cut” is an obvious dead end, meaning that Decrepit Yadda-Yadda set them up. I leaned over to Diane at this point and said, “If this guy had any brains, he’d piss his pants and run back to the camper and tell everyone they were in deep trouble.” Instead, SIL moseys on back and gives a casual account of what he saw (Idiot Plot Point 3). And no one so much as bats an eye (Idiot Plot Point 4).
Sonny comes to and makes his way back to the camp, where the family has a campfire up. He doesn’t tell anyone about Beauty, because he doesn’t want to scare Mom and the sisters -- forgetting that, hey, they should be scared (Idiot Plot Point 5). He suggests that everyone sleep in the trailer tonight, which SIL turns down cold (he wants to get in some canoodling with Domino in the SUV). Sonny tries to tell SIL about Beauty, but SIL cuts him off before he can even start. So SIL and Domino go to the SUV, while Sonny, Mom, and Lost girl hunker down in the trailer, along with the baby; they chain Beast up outside. Lost girl turns on her walkman so she won’t be able to hear what happens in a little bit.
Meanwhile, Pop finally makes it to the gas station (it’s pretty late at night by now). He makes his way in, giving the obligatory “Hello? Anyone here?” bit. I noticed that while the store had some stuff for sale, meaning that someone comes in and supplies the place regularly. Pop can’t find anyone here, but he does see the duffel bag -- which is lying in the exact spot it was earlier -- and opens up the clamshell to see the severed ear. Finally realizing something rotten in Denmark, Pop brings out his gun. He goes into a back room, where the wall is lined with old newspaper clippings, conveniently telling Pop (and the audience) the whole story (as if we didn’t already know): nuclear tests were conducted here fifty years ago, local miners refused to leave, and there have been a lot of missing persons reports coming out of this area. The newspaper-clippings bit is kinda old by now, I think.
Pop hauls ass out of there and makes for the nearest car. The car has a set of keys under the sun visor, and the battery’s working okay, but the car doesn’t want to start, of course. Then Pop hears someone inside the outhouse. It’s Decrepit Gas Man. He mutters a sort of confession (which is an odd turnaround; earlier he had no problem sending a whole family into certain death), then he puts a shotgun in his mouth and blows his head off. The filmmakers make sure to give us a look at the headless corpse.
Pop hears a strange voice nearby calling “Da-a-a-a-ddy-y-y-y-y” again and again. He remembers, oh yeah, he’s a veteran policeman who was trained to handle a bad situation. He goes to the outhouse, retrieves the shotgun (he needs all the weaponry he can get), then slowly makes his way to the car, keeping himself on red alert at all times. Ha! Psych! Gotcha! No, sirree, he doesn’t do that! Instead, he goes into full panic mode, staggering toward the car while firing the gun blindly four times (Idiot Plot Point 6). He tries to start the car again, but he hears, “Da-a-a-a-ddy-y-y-y” in the back seat. Yep, our villain got in without Pop noticing. And Pop gets his head slammed into the window again and again. I couldn’t tell if he was killed here or not; it sounded like his skull was cracked. But we then see him coming in and out of consciousness as he is wheeled into the mine entrance.
Back at the camp, Sonny checks his watch; it’s about midnight. Interestingly, the campfire is still in full blaze after all this time. Sonny goes to the SUV and, uh, interrupts SIL and Domino to finally, finally take SIL aside and tell him about the dead dog. Took you long enough, kiddo. They’re interrupted when they hear Beast somehow getting free of his chain and running off. They go to check on this and--
Let me break off here for a second. Are you sitting down? All of you? (I see you trying to stand up there, Pip. Take your seat, girl.) Okay, I’m not gonna embellish on the following, I’ll just describe it as I remember it. Hopefully, it’ll sound a lot less disgusting than it really was; maybe my mind has cleaned out a lot of it.
Sonny and SIL see something light up nearby. It’s Pop being burned at the stake. Pop is most definitely alive, and he screams in agony. (Them mutant moved FAST to get the bonfire and Pop out there in such little time.) Sonny and SIL run like hell to the camper, wake up Mom and Domino (but leave Lost Girl behind), grab a fire extinguisher and run out. There’s plenty of screaming, both from Mom and Pop, as SIL tries to put the fire out, but after quite a bit of this, they put most of the fire out, and Pop’s charred corpse crashes to the ground.
While they are doing this, Lost Girl continues to sleep, her walkman drowning out the chaos outside. And two adult mutants make their way in: Big Dumb Mutant and Little Not-So-Dumb Mutant (both are quite revolting). They wake Lost Girl up forcefully, then BDM starts to rape her. LNSDM makes a joke that BDM is physically unable to, uh complete the act, so he takes his turn. BDM sees a parakeet in a cage, grabs the bird, bites its head off, and drinks its blood down. (A moment later, we see the same bird alive and well in its cage.)
The remaining family members hear the commotion inside the trailer and come running. Domino’s the first one in. LNSDM sees her, and he forces her to undo her shirt so he can suckle on her; he has Pop’s gun, and he keeps it trained on the baby to force her to comply. Mom comes in, but before she can do anything, LNDSM shoots her in the chest. Domino grabs a knife and stabs LNSDM in the leg. He shoots her through the head. The mutants grab the baby and run.
At this point, I leaned over to Diane and said, “Are you ready to leave? I am.” She didn’t want to go; she’d paid the money to see this thing, and she was going to stick it out.
Sonny and SIL finally run in. Mom is still alive, though she’ll clearly be dead in a minute or two. SIL goes to cradle Domino, who is lying in a pool of her own blood.... And Domino is still alive. She goes into convulsions. Why are these two still alive? So the filmmakers can make them suffer some more.
I’ve tried to be as detached as possible describing the above; it speaks for itself. When the head-shot Domino started twitching, I’d had enough. I told Diane I would wait for her outside, and I walked out. This was around the one-hour mark, according to my watch.
The theater gave me a free pass to another movie, meaning that I may have lost an hour out of my life, but not the $7.50. While waiting for Diane, I saw a friend of mine coming out of the theater. He had seen Inside Man, and he recommended it highly. Damn, I was right.
Diane would later give a synopsis of what happened next. My suspicions were confirmed; I hadn’t missed much. Amazingly, the stupid Son-In-Law turned out to be this piece of crap’s “hero.” SIL would turn into a faux Rambo, killing off most of the mutants. (I also saw a couple of still photos from late in the movie that look like Sonny got his fingers cut off at some point. Just because.) But the movie ended with the surviving family members still stranded in the desert (I saw a couple of still photos that lead me to believe that Sonny got his fingers cut off later on in the movie. Just because), and someone was watching them through a pair of goggles. My suspicions were confirmed; I hadn’t missed much.
Afterthoughts
I read a few reviews that stated that Alexandre Aja was trying to draw some allegory about Americans testing nuclear weapons. Basically, he was saying, We Brought This On Ourselves. This was a lot like the “message” carried in the videogame Metal Gear Solid. It was just as simple-minded and just as dumb. Monsieur Arcady (his real name), I invite you to kiss my ass.
It was strange, though. I’ve seen unpleasant movies before. I’ve seen movies where families suffer, where people are tortured, where Bad Things Happen To Good People. And I’ve seen my share of movies gorier than this. Dog Soldiers comes to mind. And yet I thoroughly enjoyed Dog Soldiers. So why did this movie offend me enough to get me to leave early (the first time I’ve ever done that in a theater)? I was trying to pinpoint it, when I read Roger Ebert’s review.
And Ebert -- whom I had lost most of my respect for -- nailed it.
Most of these movies were made to entertain in some way. In other words, the filmmakers wanted the audience to plant their butts down in the theater then walk away thinking the two hours and eight bucks were time and money well-spent. I didn’t get that impression with The Hills Have Eyes. This wasn’t contempt for the audience; it was hostility. There was a brutal, sadistic feeling to the scene I saw right before I walked out. I detected a note of glee on the part of the director: he was saying, “I’m going to torture these character before killing them. Because I can.”
A couple of months ago, I read Ken Begg’s review of Bloodrayne (which just got relegated to “SECOND Worst Movie of 2006”) on his blogging site. He noted that bad movies aren’t what they used to be. You could laugh at them, have fun with them, and even enjoy them in your own way. This movie started out that way: one could at least laugh at some of the sillier things we saw. But then it turned into a case of “Let’s sicken the audience.” Well, if they wanted to beat me into submission and make me feel queasy, they did their job. And if Alexandre Aja wanted me to have contempt for him, he succeeded in spade. Bravo, Monsieur. Whoopee. |
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twitterpate
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Canada
1026 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2006 : 2:12:58 PM
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Willikers! I have to power to ... to have COMMAND REVIEWS created for me! Somehow, I feel a little like Queen Elizabeth!
(QE I, that is, not the current democratically-constrained monarch.)
Thanks, Brad. At least, I'm pretty sure this is ONE movie I won't walk out from, since I'll not walk into it in the first place. |
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daughtryhicks
Altar Boy of Jabootu
USA
2 Posts |
Posted - 05/30/2006 : 2:28:03 PM
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| I thought that it was called the Hills Have Nostrills. SO HOT BABE |
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daughtryhicks
Altar Boy of Jabootu
USA
2 Posts |
Posted - 05/30/2006 : 2:29:31 PM
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| THE T REX IN KING KONG IS SOOO HOT |
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Shady1090
Altar Boy of Jabootu
USA
1 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2006 : 7:21:15 PM
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I must say, that review of yours was pretty impressive.
You managed to remember just about everything pertaining to the little bit of movie you saw =)
...that is, everything except the character's names!!
Just how'd you managed that one?
First off, yes... I do like this movie... so here I am, the typical movie fan... here to back it up. okay. we got that clear.
Now, let me begin by saying this movie really isn't all that bad. I noticed how you managed to point out everything bad about the movie, listing as many points about it that you could, just to make it sound dumb. Well there's plenty of good things about the movie too... try not to shoot it down of all its credibility.
Right. Next, let me name the character's for you, since you had such an apparent problem with that.
Pop = Big Bob
Domino = Lynn
Lost Girl = Brenda
Sonny-boy = Bobby
SIL = Doug
BDM = Pluto
LNSDM = Lizard
mmkay. ...just so you're not confused, there you go.
Also, let me correct one little point you made.
The part where you said Pluto went in (after Lizard shooed him off Brenda) & ate the bird... indeed... he did not. Lizard bit off the bird's head way before he even shooed off Pluto. & then you managed to make another point... that is, the same exact bird is seen in the cage perfectly fine a few moments later. But actually, the family had two birds. If you leave the subtitles on while watching the movie, it says "[bird #1 tweets]" ...then after that bird gets his head bit off, the subtitle goes "[bird #2 tweets]". |
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The Hills Have Eyes
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