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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
 Posted - 09/12/2006 : 11:16:35 PM
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Here’s a blessing from Jabootu that is long overdue. You all know him, you all love him. Okay, maybe you don’t love him. But his name has become synonymous with bad movies lately. And it’s about time he appeared on this site. Yes, it’s the man with a silver tongue, the man who can talk good actors into appearing in his piles of horse manure but can’t actually direct them. In this corner, it’s the Heir to the Throne of Ed Wood, The Master of Error, The Doctor of Dreck, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome UWE BOLL!!!
So the question is, is Boll really as bad as they say he is? Is he deserving of all the hate he gets on the videogame message boards? Is he this horrid director who destroys everything he sees, rather than the innocent victim of some moviegoers’ bile? Is Uwe Boll the Unholy Spawn of Jabootu?
Yes, and then some.
Since this is a bad movie website, I’m not going to go into this dope’s background; everyone here should know it. But before we sink our teeth into Mr.— excuse me, (rolling my eyes) Dr. Boll’s neck (oh, ain’t I a card?), whaddaya say we take a quick look at the videogame this movie was based on.
I’ve played both of the BloodRayne videogames. The gameplay is okay and the storyline isn’t terrible, but in all honesty the games have one purpose in mind: to get adolescent boys (and grown men with the minds of adolescent boys) hot for the red-headed, voluptuous, and perpertually underdressed half-vampire anti-heroine. We’ve been down this road, more or less, with Blade, except that Wesley Snipes isn’t a two-sword wielding hottie in a leather bustier. Rayne fought Nazis in pre-World War II Europe in the first game, then fought Kagan’s forces in present-day American in the second. I’ll have more to say about the games later on.
I’ve heard that the DVD commentary has to be heard to be believed. Let’s have some fun. I’m gonna put off listening to the commentary until after I finish the review. Then, I’m gonna listen to it and see if anything I’ve said about the cast and crew holds up. If it’s goofy enough, I might rip our Fearless Leader off more than usual and write a commentary on the commentary.
Okay, enough yakking. Uwe, your time has come. Let’s dance! (If you suspect I’m gonna be long-winded — and you’re right — you may want to go and check this out: www.dvdverdict.com/reviews/bloodrayneunrated.php ).
I’ve seen little bits and pieces of House of the Dead, so I know what a hack Boll is. Maybe I should have reviewed one of his earlier “films,” which had budgets fitting their esteemed director’s talent. But while BloodRayne had a budget of about $25 million (low budget these days, but enough to give any movie a professional sheen), a bad director will destroy a movie, whether it cost $200 thousand or $200 million (the name Michael Bay comes to mind). Stephen King once described movies like this as reminding him of “a dead rat in a Lucite block.” It’s a fitting description here.
The opening titles give us our first indication of what’s to come. The credits fade in and out over a montage of paintings depicting life in what I assume is the early 18th Century (I checked the movie’s website; it claims that the story takes place in 1723). The paintings themselves are pretty good, but they’re very busy and cluttered, making the titles hard to read. Then we fade to a series of, uh, sweeping landscapes, most of them shot through heavy orange filters. Okay, let’s see tonight’s suspects.
Kristanna Loken will play Our Hero. I haven’t seen Terminator 3, so I don’t know how she can act in a professionally-made movie, but I’ve read somewhere that her acting leaves a bit to be desired. Then we have Michael Madsen, a good actor who has made some woeful acting choices; this is yet another of those. Billy Zane and Michelle Rodriguez are right where they belong, in my opinion. Zane could’ve been a good actor at one time, but he’s blown his opportunities. Rodriguez will have the role of Angry Latina Chick, a part she plays off-screen, and badly. Udo Kier is here to look embarrassed. Michael Paré and Meat Loaf? Lawd, help me!
And now the moment which brings a tear to the eye. Ben Kingsley is in this thing. Yes, Gandhi himself, and let’s not forget Schindler’s List, Bugsy, Searching for Bobby Fischer, Sexy Beast, and so on. Ben, why? WHY?!?!
The credit that surprises me is “Written by Guinevere Turner.” Turner has established herself as a screenwriter. Most of her work is geared toward a lesbian audience, with one notable exception. American Psycho wasn’t my cup of tea, but I could appreciate the care and effort that went into its making, and that included the script. From what I’ve heard, it’s not a fluke; Turner is a pretty good writer. So what is her name doing here?! (Same reason, I hope, that Kingsley is here. I’ll get back to that later.)
Ah yes, and now we have the man of the hour, Uwe Boll himself. Although his name is properly pronounced “OO-va”, I’m going to call him “OO-wee,” as it gives more opportunities for lame puns. Hey, if the guy will give us better movies (or better yet, get out of the biz altogether), I’ll make an effort to get his name right.
Credits are over, and we’re in the movie, uh, proper.
We open on a Medieval village. Yeah, it’s the 18th Century, but this place looks more Medieval. Actually, it looks more like a set dressed up for the local Renaissance Faire. Our three members of the Brimstone Society (a sort of anti-vampire special forces group) come riding in. First, there’s Vladimir. I’m gonna call him Mr. Blonde; maybe Michael Madsen will remember that he was cool once and might be again. Then there’s Sebastian, whom I’m gonna call Rookie. This is the metrosexual stud that Rayne’s gonna get with at some point in the story (oh come on, don’t tell me that’s NOT gonna happen). Then there’s Katarin; I’ll call her ALC: Angry Latina Chick (and I’m censoring myself). Yeah, Michelle, that describes you too. Have any DUI’s lately?
So, Curly, Larry, and Shemp (they don’t got no Moe) sidle up to an outdoor bar and ask the bartender/local snitch if he has any info for them. He shows them a carnival flyer that shows a picture of a red-haired woman under the legend “The Amazing She-Demon”, saying she’s a sideshow freak they might be interested in. Another guy comes up next to them, ordering a glass of absinthe. Rookie looks in a mirror conveniently propped up on the bar, sees that this guy doesn’t have a reflection, and plunges a knife into the guy’s chest. The guy falls back (sporting a bloodstain over his entire shirt a half-second after getting shivved) and turns into a mummified corpse. A large crowd is gathered around, and they watch with mild interest. The bartender remarks that he likes these Brimstone guys; they do their work quick and clean.
We’re four minutes in, and the movie’s teetering over the edge already. Every decent vampire story I’ve read or movie I’ve seen has one thing in common: people are either scared to death of the vampire(s), or they don’t believe in them. That’s the real power that the vampire has. If it got out that vampires existed, said vampires would then be on the run forevermore; after all, there would be more humans than vampires, and the sunlight and stake-through-the-heart bits aren’t exactly state secrets. The vamp that Rookie just dispatched would be scared to go out of his castle. Or coffin. Or whatever.
It gets better. Mr. Blonde turns his attention back to the flyer and asks the bartender for more details. The bartender says it may just be “tall tales told by drunks.”
W-h-a-t?!?! Okay, Uwe Kablooey, here’s the thing. When you’re telling a fantasy or horror story, set up the rules early, let the audience know what’s what, then don’t break those rules unless you have a damn good reason. Do NOT talk about “tall tales” ten seconds after a crowd watches a vampire bite (and turn into) the dust without batting an eye! (I know, I should be going after Guinevere Turner as well, but I’ll outline the reasons I’m giving her a free ride on this one later on.) A co-worker introduced me to a new word the other day: directum. As in, a director who’s a piece of crap. Good word to describe Boll Bearing, I think.
I’m on page four of this review, and we’re six minutes into the movie. This is gonna be a long night.
Cut to the carnival. The whole set has a stagey, false feel to it, like the extras didn’t receive good instructions from the director, or the lighting guys didn’t receive good instructions from the director, or the caterer didn’t receive— Okay, maybe the craft service was okay. [Future Brad: according to the commentary, the craft service was awful, too.] Unless it’s particularly egregious, I won’t bother to mention that the lighting or set decoration feel false and badly staged from here on; every single set in the movie has that feel.
Anyway, we’re given a quick intro to “the amazing Amanda,” a woman who does tricks with two swords that are strapped to her wrists. After this bit of exposition, we’re introduced to the She-Demon herself, Rayne!
They drag out a very attractive young woman (and I gotta admit I wish I could take Kristanna Loken out on a date) who is obviously terrified. Question: is everyone in the audience terrified and repulsed by this? I don’t know what beliefs some people held in the early 18th Century, but you can’t tell me that in this throng of onlookers, not one of them was disgusted at the way this woman is being treated. (The Amazing Amanda clearly sympathizes with Rayne, although she doesn’t do anything about it.) The carnival barker growls to the audience how this woman can’t stand the touch of water, as he dunks her arm in a full bucket then pulls it out. Rayne’s arm is horribly burned, and she’s screaming in pain. This begs the questions: what happens when Rayne sweats? Or cries? She doesn’t look all that dirty; how does this woman bathe?? (This allergy to water was part of the game, and I have a problem with it there, too.) Then the barker takes a knife and starts cutting Rayne’s other arm. A stage hand brings out a sheep, cuts its throat, and collects the blood in a cup. The barker gets Rayne to drink the blood, and her wounds heal instantly. There’s some “ironic” banter about what a “monster” Rayne is. Rather than loathe the barker and audience for their cruelty, I was wondering why Rayne didn’t try and make a break for it. We’ll see soon enough that she’s quite capable of handling herself.
There’s a brief, and jarring, cut back to the bar, where Mr. Blonde pays off his snitch and indicates he’s gonna check this carnival out.
The stage hand drags Rayne back to a cage in the carnival’s nether regions. Amanda comes up and tries to comfort Rayne with a truly half-baked escape plan. I don’t know what’s worse, the Immortal Dialogue or the actress’s line reading. Rayne, far from being a sympathetic ear, smiles wryly at the dialogue (I wish it was Loken trying not to laugh, but all indications were that she had no clue how bad this movie would be).
Cut to a bad composite of model and computer animation of a big old castle, where in the Lord of the Vampires, Kagan, resides. Oh, God, this is painful. Ben Kingsley plays Kagan. Well, “plays” is a bit much. How about, Ben Kingsley naps through his scenes as Kagan. Can’t blame the guy; Ben, I hope you spent that money very well. Anyway, Kagen is notified by Dormastir, his Main Lackey, that a “blood rage” has occurred at the carnival, involving a young dhamphir (half-human half-vampire). Kagan calls her the “little one who slipped through my fingers” in between confusing flashbacks (question: how does he know this “dhamphir’s” identity?) and orders Lackey to send out spies on the girl since she could “ruin our plans.” Groan. And here is a rule out of the Villain’s Handbook: don’t stir up trouble with the hero unless you have to.
So, what was this “blood rage”? Well, we see Rayne already free of the carnival, running like hell, blood on her face, flashing back (in more confusing cuts) to the, uh, blood rage. Seems that stage hand got into Rayne’s cage looking for a little sumpin’ sumpin’, and Rayne just went ber-ZERK! She grew a fake-looking pair of fangs and put the bite on all four people present at the carnival (really!) including the barker and the stage hand. Back to the present, where Rayne is shown sweating and crying. So much for that water allergy.
The next morning, the Three Stooges ride through a couple of filler scenes, giving some Basil Exposition: Rookie and ALC don’t see the point to finding this carnival, Mr. Blonde says he’s in charge and he says they’re going. Oh, and Brimstone is a “shadow of its former self.” Yeah, that’s about it. They come upon the carnival, see the bodies, and go about disposing of them; you know the drill, chop off the heads and light ’em up. Uh oh, Amanda is lying on the ground, sporting bite marks spaced MUCH too far apart for a human mouth. Seems she was about to give Rayne her swords, but Rayne came in and bit her neck. Whoops! She then ran, taking Amanda’s swords with her. Some friend! Mr. Blonde and Rookie reveal they’re ready to kill Amanda. Amanda protests: how could a vampire wear a crucifix? Good point; also, Amanda doesn’t seem to be a bit bothered by daylight. No matter. ALC impales Amanda on her sword. Whutta surprise; Michelle Rodriguez is playing someone who shoots (or stabs) first and asks questions later! ALC offers to go to a nearby village to scout around for this mystery dhamphir.
Cut to a badly filtered shot of a castle, as the low horns fart out a “menacing” theme (that’s not a joke; they literally sound like they’re farting). Inside the castle lives Billy Zane in a ridiculous moptop wig. Turns out Billy-boy is ALC’s father, and she’s a mole in Brimstone. Billy dictates a letter to his darling daughter, telling her Brimstone is useless, and she is to get for him three artifacts of Beliar. Or something. Billy’s aide does some brown-nosing when Billy’s done, and Billy tells him, “You’re such a suck-up.” Anachronistic, but I’ll admit I chuckled here; this is a rare moment in this movie that’s meant to be a joke. After a close-up of Billy’s neck, showing two bite marks (bum-bum-BUM!), there’s a filler stock shot of a sunset and more farting horns, and we go back to....
Rayne in the woods. We’ll be told later on that Rayne can’t stand sunlight, but I guess she found shelter somewhere. Maybe. The blood on her face has been washed off, although she can’t stand water, and she is now clean and beautiful again. She watches a horse pulling a wagon get ambushed by two vampires. The vamps kill the man driving the horses, and they’re about to go for the two girls inside, but Rayne comes up wielding Amanda’s swords and making short work of them, via some badly choreographed swordplay. Then she bites the female vampire’s neck. Read that again: a half-vampire bites a full vampire’s neck and drains her blood. What’s wrong with this picture? The two girls are scared of Rayne, but Rayne assures them she only wants to kill vampires. And with that, the girls trust her enough to let her ride with them in the wagon. I guess trust came easier back then.
There’s some more clumsy dialogue revealing that the guy the vamps killed was the girls’ brother, but the girls don’t show any real emotion over his death. The lighting inside the wagon is very bright. Bright enough to see Rayne’s face and shoulders. Here’s where I ask, who in the hell ever heard of a vampire (even a half-vampire) with a suntan?!
She gets off at the next town and wanders around a bit, noticing there’s a vampire in every corner. Sheesh. Most of the people wandering aimlessly look like they’re dressed up for Medieval Day again, which is in sharp contrast to Rayne’s get-up. She wears only one costume throughout the show: a tight, midriff-baring, red-and-black leather bustier and red-and black leather low-rider pants (the same costume she had in the game). Okay, I admit, it looks good — really good — on Loken, but it is utterly ludicrous to say that a woman would wear something like this in 1723 and not rate more than a passing glance. Uwe, you putz.
Rayne sees a female vampire hitting on a guy, gets her attention with a come-hither look, and beckons her into the shadows (18-Century vampire hookers were really really dumb). After promising some 1700’s girl on-girl action, Uwe serves up another stupid moment where Rayne feeds on a vampire.
Then Rayne hears a voice in her head. “Dhamphir, dhamphir.” A psychic (really!) calls to Rayne and asks her to step into her office.
A long digression here. You may have noticed that I’m letting our esteemed directum have it with both barrels, but I’m not even mentioning the writer, Guinevere Turner. It’s her script with the crappy dialogue and stupid plotline, right? But Turner may be off the hook for this, for one simple reason: I think she was deliberately phoning it in. Good writers can have an off day, but it’s hard to believe a competent wordsmith could churn out something this awful without knowing it was crap on toast.
Imagine this scenario: you’re Guinevere Turner. You’ve got a pretty successful writing career, and you do a good bit of acting as well. One day, while you’re on vacation between jobs, you get a call from this little known German producer/director (this is before the world knows Uwe Boll by name). He wants you to fly to Germany for a few weeks to work on a screenplay for a project he’s got lined up. It’s not your usual thing, but maybe you’re a fan of the game, or maybe you like the idea of taking a trip to Germany and seeing the sights. Or maybe the guy is just very good at pitching an idea (which, I’ve read, is Boll’s real talent) and it’s easy money. You accept, and he sends you contract, which he wants you to sign immediately (Boll is also known for getting people to commit to his projects before they really know what they’re getting into, which would explain what Ben Kingsley’s doing here). Then you take a look at this guy’s earlier work and hear some of the ideas he has for this movie, and the other shoe drops. You’re stuck working with a talentless blowhard, and you are legally bound to get at least a first-draft script on the table. So you go to Germany, spend ten minutes each day writing whatever comes to mind, then spend the night clubbing, or seeing a movie, or whatever. You don’t bother to polish your work; there’s no point turning out any quality stuff with this guy at the helm. And in the end, he uses your first-draft script, with no rewrites; you have the pleasure your name on the credits for this pile o’ garbage.
Okay, that’s the best case scenario. It’s possible that Turner is an overrated hack who got lucky with American Psycho. But that’s unlikely; I caught moments where Turner apparently tried to do some real writing before going back on autopilot (Rayne’s handling of the crucifix is an example). And there are little touches here and there where she gets in a sarcastic barb to let the audience know she’s in on the joke. One BIG one is coming up.
I’m gonna call this psychic Miss Cleo, since she plays with tarot cards the way Miss Cleo did on her infomercials. Miss Cleo goes into a Basil Exposition moment, telling Rayne that she’s a dhamphir (and noting that most dhamphirs die at birth, indicating that Turner may have done a modicum of research into vampire lore). She then tells her that Kagan, the most powerful of all vampires, raped her mother to conceive her. We get some more bad flashbacks of Kagan killing mom while Rayne watches from a hiding spot. It’s never explained what happened between Rayne’s birth and mom’s death. Rayne, who has never heard Kagan’s name before, is now hell-bent on revenge. Miss Cleo tells Rayne that Kagan’s castle can’t be broken into, but she can get in using a talisman he’s looking for, “an eye.” If she can get it, Kagan will invite her in.
Quick side trip; read it fast. There’s a funny scene in The Great Muppet Caper where Diana Rigg gives some needless info to Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy asks her, “Why are you telling me all this?” Diana Rigg says, “It’s exposition; I have to tell someone.”
Rayne asks Miss Cleo, “Why are you telling me this?” Miss Cleo’s answer: “It is my purpose.”
You gotta be KIDDING me!!! My jaw hit the floor, and I had to pick it up and pause the DVD until I could stop laughing. Yep, Turner knew what she was doing. She planted this wink to the audience, and it sailed right over Uwe Boll’s head!
Miss Cleo warns her, this Talisman holds great power, yadda yadda yadda. Loken tries to look all determined and stuff, but she comes across as being perpetually confused. She looks right for the part, but her acting’s not up to snuff. Of course, the directum managed to get a bad performance out of Ben Bloody Kingsley, so maybe I shouldn’t blame Loken for this.
This is turning into the let’s-beat-up-Uwe review. Honestly, though, I tried to find something, ANYTHING, that could show me this guy was competent in some area of filmmaking. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Seeing him trying to make a movie that takes place 270 years ago is just painful. He took $25 million and made a movie that looked like it cost $250,000. And you can make a period piece on $25 million: The Passion of the Christ was made on the same budget.
Twenty minutes in, and I’m near the end of page 9. I need to pick up the pace. Rayne steals a horse and rides out of town. One of Kagan’s spies sees her and instantly sends a message back to Castle Kagan: Rayne’s looking for the Eye. Kagan sends Head Lackey out after her. Cue the filler of guys on horseback!
Yep, we get nearly a minute and a half of Rayne riding on horseback (in a black cloak that I doubt would protect her from the sun), Head Lackey and his army (we’ll learn later that they’re human) pursuing Rayne, and Mr. Blonde and Rookie going after HL and his goons. All of ’em captured in sweeping helicopter shots. Listen to me, Uwe. You. Are. Not. Peter. Jackson!!!
Finally, Rayne pulls up at the monastery the psychic identified as a Brimstone headquarters. She gives one of the monks a BS story, and he lets her in, putting a meal on the table for her in ten seconds flat (literally; why aren’t these guys working at the Burger King?), and showing her a comfy spot on the hard stone floor where she can bunk down. Later that night, she awakens to hear strange voices in her head. (Kristanna, they were telling you, “Get out of this movi-e-e-e-e, call Brad and ask him for a da-a-a-a-te.”) She takes her swords with her and goes exploring the monastery, failing to notice a monk in plain sight watching her. Good sneaking skills there, girl.
She finds a door guarded by a creature of some sort, who looks like a cross between Fat Bastard from Austin Powers and Peter Gabriel’s pic on his “Melting Face” album. The keyhole for the door is shaped like a crucifix, which just happens to be hanging about the guard’s neck. These guys should take a course in security measures. The guard wakes up and tries to clobber Rayne with a big sledgehammah (continuing my Peter Gabriel reference), but Rayne dodges it with some gymnastic moves. I’m not kidding. Finally, she gets the drop on Big-N-Blubbery and buries a spiked mace in his face. Ewwwww!!!
She goes into the Secret Chamber, which has a really goofy booby trap. This is not meant to resemble Raiders of the Lost Ark in any way, I’m sure. After conveniently getting one of her swords stuck in the ceiling, Rayne dodges the trap quite easily and stands looking at a small wooden box on a pedestal. She reaches out and takes the box. Uh, Rayne, you may not want to do that unless you have a bag of sand to substitute— Aw, it’s too late. The doors to the room slam shut and the room starts to fill with water. (Weird defense system, especially for the period: it would take a hell of a lot of water, and some pretty good pumps, to fill this room). After stepping in the water and sizzling a bit — despite the fact that her boots should be keeping her feet dry — Rayne jumps up and grabs the sword stuck in the ceiling, and the box opens and a glass eye tumbles out. Rayne catches the eye and looks at it... And suddenly, the eye is in her head; she has one blue eye and one green eye (and you can clearly see the contact lens in the green eye). Uhhh, okay. She loses her grip on the sword and falls in the water... but she’s not allergic to it anymore, one of the benefits of, um, “absorbing” the eye. The door opens and one of the monks asks her to come with him.
He leads her to the head monk, played by Udo Kier (in this movie’s sole decent performance). Udo tells her they’ve been guarding the Eye for centuries, she cannot leave, yadda yadda yadda. More expo. The “talismans” are the eye, rib, and heart of a long-dead vampire called Beliar. Any vampire (or dhamphir) who absorbs all three will be immune the vampires’ Achilles’ heels: water, sunlight, and crucifixes. Are you getting all of this? There will be a test on it later. And it’s amazing how quickly Udo figures out Rayne is Kagan’s offspring.
And that’s when Head Lackey and his Army of Morons comes knockin’ at the front door. They storm the monastery in an incredibly clumsy and confusing battle scene, and much bloodshed ensues. Seriously, a lot of bloodshed. One thing this movie shares with the game: it’s needlessly gory, with blood sprayin’ left and right during fights. It would be off putting, but it’s so badly done that I found myself cracking up every five or ten seconds. It was like watching King Arthur and the Black Knight square off in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. And in the middle of all this crap, here come our heroes, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gim— uh, scratch that. Mr. Blonde, Rookie, and ALC (for the record, citing Kingsley’s previous films is allowed, but let’s recap: I have also mentioned The Passion of the Christ, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Lord of the Rings - along with Peter Gabriel, one of my favorite musicians — in a review of BloodRayne. This may be a mortal sin). Long story short, Rayne is captured by Head Lackey, all of the monks are offed, and the Three Amigos are the only ones left standing. Mr. Blonde and Rookie go after Head Lackey, telling ALC to tell Brimstone HQ what’s happened. ALC notices that one of the monks was a member of Brimstone. Why is this important? Does anyone care enough to find out? |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2006 : 11:20:41 PM
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After a bit of filler involving Kagan putting the teeth to a Sweet Young Thing (which serves no purpose whatsoever, except to humiliate Kingsley further), and some more of Uwe Gooey Chewy’s loving helicopter shots of people riding on horseback, Head Lackey arrives at yet another castle, which belongs to someone named Leonid. Mr. Blonde and Rookie are hot on his heels, but the moron doesn’t realize he was followed. Rookie and Mr. B wonder why Head Lackey brought Rayne here, for good reason. I coulda told them: It’s In The Script. They dispatch the stupid guards much too easily, standing in plain sight and shooting them with arrows, then go in.
Leonid is played by (oh, Lordy) the one, the only, Meat Loaf!. Meat is lying down, basking in the company of several Writhing Nude Vampirettes. Head Lackey wants to bunk down for the night, but Meat has other plans: he orders Head Lackey seized, as he thinks Rayne will make a nice snack later on. Either Meat Loaf was thoroughly plastered throughout his part of the shoot, or he realized what a piece of cheese he was in and decided to have some fun with it (whichever it was, I couldn’t blame him); in any case, his appearance and acting are eyebrow-raisers, even in this movie.
Mr. Blonde and Rookie make their way through the castle, which is filled with vampires and their prey. The whole thing is a giant orgy, only instead of sex going on, there’s lotsa neck biting and bloodletting. It would be disgusting, but as before, it is so incompetently shot that it becomes surreal. I couldn’t help shaking my head in wonder, for at least the tenth time so far.
So, our “heroes” bust into Meat’s room, and another confusing and clumsy fight ensues. Head Lackey escapes, Rookie and Mr. Blonde get Rayne out, and Meat... Blonde breaks the windows, letting the sun in and burning Meat to a crisp. (Meat Loaf’s well done. Go ahead and groan.) Now, why in the HELL would a vampire have stained-glass windows ready to break in his inner sanctum?! I remember Ken saying this in his blog: brick the windows up, you buttmunch! No wonder there aren’t any vampires now; they were too stupid to survive! Anyway, Rookie and Mr. B get Rayne under that protective blanket (oh, brother) and get her outta there. Say, if Head Lackey had just broken into a random house, he might still have her captive. Where’d Kagan get his underlings? Cowboy Maloney’s Discount Henchmen?
After some more pointless and overly-tinted horse-riding shots, Mr. Blonde and Rookie get Rayne on a boat and paddle out over a lake; Brimstone’s headquarters is on an island there. Rookie isn’t sure about taking Rayne with them, but Blonde is adamant (as adamant as Michael Madsen can be while sleepwalking; it looks like he is taking the same approach Kingsley’s taking: put in as little effort as possible and collect the paycheck). He says that a full-blown vampire wouldn’t survive a trip over water (though I can’t tell why; they’re high and dry, on a boat), and he points out that Rayne is wearing a crucifix. Okay, I buy the crucifix part, but Mr. Blonde is forgetting that Rayne was as allergic to water as any vampire until she absorbed the eye (snicker).
Head Lackey has made the ride to Casa Kagan in a couple of hours (what is the geography of this story, anyway?). Kagan is royally pissed supremely bored that Lackey has failed to bring in one little dhamphir. Lackey does give him one tidbit of info: Rayne’s name. So far, except for a couple of brief flashback shots, Ben Kingsley has appeared on this one set, and he hasn’t moved more than three feet from his throne most of the time. At least he didn’t have to suffer this crap for long; I’ll bet he got all of his scenes filmed in a week or so. There’s another scene intercut about a minute later, when another lackey brings Kagan another “talisman.” Boll may have broken up the scenes like this to try and keep the audience from realizing how little time Kingsley spends on screen, but all it really does is confuse us. But then, Boll would have to reach for the dictionary when he heard a phrase like “coherent storytelling.”
Rookie and Blonde haul Rayne into Brimstone HQ (Rayne’s in shackles), where ALC is waiting. That dead Brimstone guy she saw had a message: the Brimstone HQ in Rome has been taken out. Any importance to the plot? Nope. Oh, but they do learn that “Kagan has the Rib.” Oka-a-a-a-y. Hey, throw in some smoked sausage, and we can have ourselves a barbecue! They lock Rayne in a cell. ALC and Rookie still don’t like the idea of having a half-vampire around. Rayne assures them she doesn’t want to kill humans; she’ll limit herself to rats and other small animals. Pleasant thought, no? She tells them she hates Kagan as much as they do; after all, he raped and murdered her mother.
We then go to a flashback of Kagan raping and murdering her mother. Unnecessary? Pshaw, so what?! Confusing? Oh, you stodgy film people, insisting that the audience be able to follow the story! Amateurish? Stupid plebs, you don’t know what a great artiste Dr. Boll is! Seeing the look on Ben Kingsley’s face, I wish I could’ve been on set when this scene was filmed, just so I could put my arm around his shoulder afterward and say, “This will pass, Ben. You’re gonna give us another Gandhi, or another Sexy Beast. You’re too good an actor to let this get to you. You’re gonna bounce back! Please don’t cry.”
We go back out of the flashback. Mr. Blonde has nothing but Rayne’s word to go on, but that’s enough for him. He unlocks the cell, takes Rayne’s shackles off, and invites her to train with the rest of Brimstone. ALC stalk off in a huff. Blonde tells Rookie to “give her whatever she needs.” Hmmmmm, methinks there’s gonna be some gratuitous sex going on, me does.
Outside, ALC scolds Mr. Blonde for being too soft. All in all, I’d say she’s right; he’s a little too trusting. But I think this scene was meant to remind us that ALC was a wrong ’un.
Aw, shoot, we’re gonna have to wait for that gratuitous boinking, because now it’s time to show Rayne training alongside others in Brimstone! This bit lasts about two minutes, and reveals two things: (1) Rayne, who has never had combat training, is clearly a more skillful fighter than other people in Brimstone, which ain’t saying much, because (2) Uwe Phooey didn’t bother to hire a good fight choreographer. There is one moment when Rayne gets those wrist-swords of her and starts handling them like an “expert,” but the editing is so jarring as to make me glad I don’t have epilepsy (it also reveals the obvious: Kristanna Loken isn’t all that good with swords). After one of her wrist-swords breaks, we get a brief flashback to remind the audience that those things once belonged to the Amazing Amanda (d’you remember the Amazing Amanda?). Mr. Blonde offers to get her a new set. Actually, this is one of the few nice moments I’ve seen in the movie. Fanboys will no doubt remember that these wrist swords are Rayne’s weapon of choice in the videogame, and this was a fairly logical explanation of why her primary m.o. is so bizarre. Oh, and just in case we forgot that ALC is Not To Be Trusted, we see some shots of her scowling at Rayne.
Cut back to Rayne’s cell. Although the door’s unlocked now, she still sleeps there for some reason. Rookie comes in (yep, here we goes), giving Rayne a small burlap bundle, telling her they’ve whipped up some new clothing for her (remember this). That bundle is much too small to hold much more than a handkerchief. Rayne complains that she still hears voices in her head, which has no explanation, since “paranoid schizophrenia” won’t be in the vocabulary for a couple of centuries. I keep telling you, Kristanna, the voices are saying, “Have dinner with Bra-a-a ad!” (Okay, yeah, I’m taken with her. She doesn’t look to be much of an actress, but she IS a looker, which is all you need to make it in Hollywood.) Rookie invites Rayne to dinner; Rayne says she doesn’t eat people food. (Why? You’re half-human, girl.) Rookie then makes a weird segue, saying that Rayne isn’t the only one who feels pain (Huh?!) Rayne’s response: “What do you know of pain?” Well, Rayne, I’m watching an Uwe Boll movie, so.... Oh, you were asking Rookie. Rookie reveals his backstory: his parents were turned to vampires, and Mr. Blonde was forced to do away with them to save Rookie’s life; Rookie has been Mr. Blonde’s protegé ever since. Now that Rookie’s entire character arc has been described for us, it’s time for some more filler. A tracking shot of Ben Kingsley trying to keep from nodding off, then a (natch) confusing dream sequence where Rayne remembers her blood rage (and no, the subject of blood rages NEVER comes up again), then she awakens to see Rookie in the room, writing at a table. “Dear Mr. Scorsese, I am writing to beg you to cast me as an extra in your next film....” (Now I’ve mentioned Martin Scorsese. I think I’m going to Hell now.)
She comes up behind him, gets his attention, and they start getting it on. Just like that. I swear I’m not joking; this is a real contender for Most Gratuitous Sex Scene of all time! And Boll continues to stun us with his lack of talent. The horny adolescent in me thought, at least, I would have the pleasure of seeing Kristanna’s Lokens (ba-dum-BUM! Thank you! I’m here through Wednesday!), but this may be one of the most mechanical sex scenes I’ve ever seen. The actors are literally going through the motions, waiting for Uwe Not-A-Clue-y to yell “Cut!” As Spalding Gray once said, “This is not erotic; this is hilarious!”
Well, now that Rayne has gotten her freak on, she decides to join the humans at the dinner table. This is arguably the best scene in the movie. Not saying much, but take what you can get, right? Of course, it also shows that Uwe Boll alone bears the responsibility of this thing, pardon the pun, sucking so bad. Here is the scene, as written (keep the numbers in mind). Everyone at HQ is in the mess hall, eating meager portions. While Mr. Blonde doesn’t want to send anyone to the mainland for supplies, ALC and Rookie argue that they’re running out of food; they HAVE to go soon. Rayne comes into the room. ALC makes a sarcastic barb about “their new savior” perhaps multiplying their food rations. Rayne sits at the table and tells Rookie that she does indeed like the new clothing (1). She also notes that she’s much more comfortable here; people aren’t scared of her anymore, and she’s become quite popular (2). As if to confirm this, a young boy comes up and asks to see her teeth (you know where this is going). Rayne looks at the others as if to say, “Can I? Please?” Then she looks at the kid and snarls, baring her fangs (3). The kid jumps and runs, and Rayne laughs as he goes. The interesting thing here is that Michael Madsen doesn’t look completely bored, and Kristanna Loken doesn’t look bewildered. They’re both smiling and laughing in this scene; for the first time, they seemed relaxed, as does the guy playing Rookie. (Michelle Rodriguez continues to act like she has a corncob stuck up her ass, but I think that’s her default mode.) For the first — and last - time, Rayne comes across more as a girl-next-door. I liked this version of the character much more than the one shown in the game (who gives the impression that she is, in private, an unlikeable bitch).
Okay, so Guinevere Turner probably wanted to remind us she can actualy right, and she put some effort into this scene; not much, but a little. And it actually works, as written. Now, reference the numbers in the above paragraph: (1) Rayne isn’t actually WEARING whatever it was Rookie gave her. She was clearly meant to, but instead she wears the same damn leather S&M thing she wears throughout the rest of the movie! (2) Rayne’s growing popularity hasn’t been shown, and no one else in the room turns to greet her or even look as she comes in. Here’s the big one. (3) The “Can I see your teeth” bit is an old gag, but a good one. This kid’s curiosity is true-to-life (never thought I’d use THAT term in this review), as is Rayne’s mischievous grin and her snarl. Just one problem: no fangs. I repeat, Rayne HAS NO FANGS!!! The cut of her opening her mouth lasted just a few frames. Any kind of fake fangs would’ve worked; you could buy set of novelty teeth for five bucks, and it would do just fine. The only thing that wouldn’t work was nothing at all. And that’s exactly what Toilet Boll gave us. Uwe, you UNBELIEVABLE MORON!!!
Cut to ALC writing a letter. She narrates it in a pitiful accent, revealing she’s writing to Dad (remember him? Billy Zane?) and telling him she now believes Brimstone is a lost cause. WHY she thinks it’s a lost cause is never explained. She gives the message to a Red Shirt to take to Pops, and we go to....
Kagan sitting on his throne, acting like it’s giving him hemorrhoids. An aide comes up, confirming that Brimstone, Rome Edition, has been wiped out. Kagan’s response: “Bring me my thralls.” Boll edited out the part where he added, “and bring me my agent, so that I may gouge his eyes out.”
The next scene finds Kagan walking through a lined-up regiment of, uh, thralls. He gives them a command to go and get rid of Brimstone. That’s the gist of it, anyway. This is done in voice-over; Kingsley didn’t bother to have his little speech caught on film. Another pointless army-on horseback — badly filtered, of course. And back we go to Brimstone.
Rayne and Rookie are having a practice duel with incredibly cheap-looking swords, when ALC comes in and tells Rookie to take a hike. She then does a little practice duel with Rayne. ALC is supposedly more aggressive, threatening to turn the duel into a real one, but Rayne shouldn’t be worried: neither of them has any skill with a sword, despite the editor’s attempts to make this fight look good. ALC claims to have been trained by a “great warrior,” her father. Billy Zane trained her? That explains it! ALC also knows dear old Dad is now a vampire, but that’s okay, her loyalty is to Brimstone. She believes in taking out ALL vampires, including Rayne, but she’s holding back for now: she says that Mr. Blonde taught her to “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” Really? I thought Vito Corleone taught that lesson to Michael 200+ years later. Rayne says this argument isn’t over. Rayne, girl, ALC’s just shown her hand, so why are you putting this off.... Oh, yeah, it’s in the script.
Dissolve to Billy Zane seated at a table. Head Lackey comes in, revealing he intercepted ALC’s message, taking that whole “cut the messenger’s head off” idea literally. He demands that Billy reveal Brimstone’s location. Um, dude, you had a messenger from the place! Why didn’t you interrogate him?! Idjit. (Is this guy supposed to be menacing? He’s cross-eyed!) Billy reveals that he wants the title of Vampire King for himself. Is it me, or does this all sound a little like Battlefield Earth? Billy pushes the sword away calmly. This is the last appearance he makes in this movie; we hear nothing from him at all after this. And just to make things more confusing....
Cut back to Brimstone. Mr. Blonde and Rayne are prepping to leave the island and get some supplies. ALC keeps carping, telling Blonde not to take Rayne, take Rookie instead. Mr. Blonde decides to take them both... leaving ALC in charge of defending Brimstone HQ. Ah yes, the best laid plans of mice and men... aren’t being made by THIS bunch of clowns. They go into town, contacting the local butcher/black-market weapons dealer (seriously!), who’s played by Michael Paré. Eddie Wilson himself! In his blog, Ken noted that he didn’t recognize Paré at first; neither did I. Paré should be thankful.
A quick scene of Brimstone HQ, where ALC sees lots and lots of boats approaching, Head Lackey leading the charge. I guess Billy gave their secret location away, after all.
Eddie (sans Cruisers) gives Blonde, Rookie, and Rayne a tour of his weapons cache, which includes a supply of “black powder from China.” Eddie must’ve forgotten that gunpowder was readily available in Europe long before the 18th Century. They also stock up on swords, holy water (what, ordinary water doesn’t kill vampires now?!), and a little something extra for Rayne: a meaner-looking pair of wrist-swords, similar to the ones shown in the game. Waitaminute. As far as I can tell, no one contacted Eddie about the need for supplies up until now. What, did he have a pair of these damn things ready, just in case someone came along asking for them?! I outlined the reasons I’ve been incredibly lenient toward Guinevere Turner, but I’m running out of patience with her. Woman, you shoulda given Uwe the finger and gone home. Or didn’t you know that this joker would be unable to tell a good script from a bad one?
A wounded member of Brimstone rows a boat onto the mainland and collapses. Dissolve to Uwe, Dewey, and Louie— uh, Mr. Blonde, Rookie, and Rayne, riding to the dock. Lemme guess: wounded guy will die, but not before telling of some catastrophe at Brimstone HQ, which will be shown in amateurishly-directed and very gory flashbacks.
And that’s EXACTLY what happens. ALC turned on Brimstone, letting Head Lackey come in and kill everyone there. Rookie states, “Head Lackey Dormastir will pay for this with his life.” Mr. Blonde says, “If it’s a fight Kagan wants, a fight he will get.” Guin Turner says, “Am I really getting PAID to jot down this crap?” Kristanna says, “Brad, would you like have a romantic evening Friday?” And I say, “Can I run a joke into the ground or what?”
So, now that they’re seriously pissed off, Our Heroes bury the guy, marking his grave with a cross made of two twigs, then they... take a nap. Seriously. Rayne wakes up and starts to steal away. Rookie gets up and catches up to her (and Mr. Blonde cracks an eye open but can’t be bothered to move). She tells Rookie it’s too dangerous to be around her, SHE’s the one Kagan’s looking for, blah blah blah. She’s planning to find the Heart of Beliar, which I assume will make her immune to sunlight. Not sure how that’ll help her, but she says it will. Uh, okay. Rookie asks her how she expects to find the thing (a good question). She says it’s been calling to her; THOSE were the voices inside her head. (You mean they weren’t telling her to have dinner— Oh, all right, all right, I’ll STOP!)
Rookie gives her his Brimstone pendant, telling her she can wear it with pride. Rayne gives him her crucifix; maybe it will protect him. Awwwww, how swe-e-e-e-e-t. Will they exchange class rings next? Will they sit together on the school bus?
All right, enough of that. Rayne sails back alone to the island, showing that despite the fact she was allergic to water until recently, she’s an expert sailor. Sigh. Yep, everyone was killed, including the kid who asked to see Rayne’s teeth. The music tells us we’re supposed to be all sad and stuff. ’Tain’t impressive. As Rayne goes through the bodies, Head Lackey and his men come up in the background, saying they haven’t found the dhamphir anywhere. Rayne gets away from there, and none of Kagan’s thralls (snicker) see her.
Rayne manages to find a secret door, leading to a super-secret passage. She says, “the Heart,” out loud, letting us know that the thing is right below HQ. Convenient, isn’t it?
There’s a quick shot of Rookie and Mr. Blonde on horseback, with voice over dialogue confirming they’re gonna go to Kagan’s castle to give Rayne some back-up. Please note that it is early morning, clearly daylight, because now we go back to Rayne in the cavern, and only a few seconds have passed. It’s still the dead of night. We now have a direct connection between BloodRayne and Plan 9 From Outer Space. Ed Wood, you have indeed met your successor!
ALC is down here with a few of her cronies, looking for the Heart in an underwater lake. Her reason for screwing Brimstone: better to sacrifice them, save her own hide, and live to fight another day, never mind that they’re just as incompetent and much fewer in number now. ALC is not only a bitch, she’s incredibly stupid. By the way, she knows the Heart is down in the lake because her grandfather hid it down here. Ah so, Billy Zane’s father! She plans to get the Heart to Billy once she gets it. Hey, here’s a poser for ya: if these “talismans” can make Kagan so powerful, why not just destroy the damned things and be done with it?!
Because it’s in the script. And as far as Guinevere Turner goes, something just occurred to me. She’s never offered up an explanation or apology for this thing. The movie was a colossal bomb when it hit the theaters; she could just get the word out that she was collecting an easy check and sticking her finger in the directum’s eye without him knowing it. I did some searching, and I haven’t found a single thing suggesting she did this. Lucy, you got some ’splainin’ to do!
ALC dives into the water, and her cronies wait for her. Rayne dives in, following her, unnoticed by those dopes up on the surface. The underwater stuff is very well lit, despite the fact that we’re in a lake in an underwater cave. ALC finds the Heart and is heading back when Rayne tries to instigate an underwater girlfight. ALC stabs her in the belly and swims back to the surface. Rayne, showing no sign that she was, you know, HURT by this serious wound, swims up and catches ALC. She bites her on the neck and takes a drink, causing her wound to heal. She bares her fangs to the camera, showing just how fake they look. I gotta admit I was glad to see ALC leave this picture. Have you guessed by now that I really don’t like Michelle Rodriguez? (I’m not gonna miss her character in Lost, either.) Hey, where are ALC’s crew? They’ve disappeared! Stupid movie. Rayne takes the Heart, and we go to....
What a surprise! Rayne on horseback! Never gets old, does it?! She reaches Kagan’s castle by nightfall. Rookie and Blonde are waiting in a secluded spot.
Rayne marches up to the front door and asks to be let in. Head Lackey comes out, and Rayne says she’s brought the Heart for her father.
HOLD ON!!! Question one: why didn’t Rayne just “absorb” the thing and go in during the day, when Kagan would be more vulnerable. And here’s another question: How in the hell did Rayne ride to the castle in broad daylight?!?!
I recall a line from Charlie Brown: just when you think things can’t get worse, they get worse. Turner, you should be ashamed. Boll.... YOU %^&*@#$ IMBECILE!!! |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2006 : 11:26:43 PM
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Head Lackey orders the guards to “take her.” They take her into custody and escort her in, locking her in a cell in the dungeon. Mr. Blonde turns to Rookie and says, “There’s only one way in.” I can’t wait to see what brilliant plan these tactical geniuses are gonna come up with.
In the throne room, Kagan looks at the box containing the Rib (which looks awful small for a rib bone), then looks at the box containing the Heart. He spouts off some gobbledygook about this being “an historic day,” then orders his army to clear the room.
Outside, Mr. Blonde and Rookie blow one of the main doors by sneaking in unseen by the guards, planting some of the black powder from China (snicker), and blowing it up. Then then storm in, but are quickly captured and thrown in the dungeon, in a cell across from Rayne. Head Lackey mumbles something about an upcoming ceremony to pull the Eye out of Rayne’s head (Ewwwww!), then leaves, because Our Heroes can’t plot if the bad guys think to post a guard in the room.
Of course, Blonde and Rookie meant to be thrown in here. Uh, guys, what kind of plan was this? Rayne feeds them a line about ALC “dying with honor” then asks about the ceremony. Mr. Blonde tells her, “It is only a legend, said to remove the soul.” Okay, guy, you don’t need to give us all the details, a vague overview will do. Rayne gives us her idea of a rah-rah rally-the-troops speech. It lasts all of ten seconds and wouldn’t impress a third-grader, but Blonde and Rookie go through the motions of acting all inspired by her, uh, courage.
Some guards come in, taking Rayne away. The head guard sounds like he’s being punched in the gut when he belts out his lines. Blonde and Rookie tell each other they have to find a way to escape. Well, duh. You knew that when you got thrown in here. I know why this movie was titled BloodRayne. It fits on a marquee much better than One Bunch of Morons Fighting Another Bunch of Morons.
Rayne is dragged up to the throne room and strapped to a table. She and Kagan trade lame insults for a few seconds, then it’s back to the dungeon.
A guard, who has been sitting here since Rayne was dragged out, looks up to see that Mr. Blonde is alone in the room. Mr. Blonde’s dialogue is exactly as follows: “Thrall. My companion is gone. I don’t know what’s become of him.” Michael Madsen actually shows some energy in this bit; I imagine he had to fight to keep from laughing when reading off his line. And the guard is stupid enough to unlock the cell door, go in, and get clobbered by Rookie, who was hanging onto the ceiling! I swear I am not making this up! Rookie gives one of the very few honest lines in the movie: “I can’t believe that worked.” They they collect their weapons, which are ten feet from the cell door, and beat feet outta there.
They get up to the throne room, where Kagan and his posse are ready to put a knife to Rayne’s eye. They come in, starting yet another incoherent fight scene. Man, it’s a good thing Kagan ordered most of his army to leave; Rookie and Blonde would be toast otherwise. And if THAT’S not enough to convince you that Kagan’s an utter buffoon....
He opens the box containing the Heart, to find that it’s empty.
Thud.
I can’t believe it. The movie got me. Rayne did indeed “absorb” the thing, enabling her to go out during the day. No, I’m not gonna take back what I said about Turner and Boll, because this also means that (1) Rayne didn’t think to go into the castle during the day, when Kagan would be more vulnerable; and (2) Kagan didn’t bother to check the box before now! Let’s see, here. Kagan only hires lackeys that have flunked their IQ tests. He does nothing but sit around and issue vague orders. And when push comes to shove, he’s a complete idiot. Some master vampire. Are you sure this clown’s name is Kagan and not Nagin?
Thank God, this thing’s almost over. The confusing and gory fight continues, during which Rayne somehow gets free. Mr. Blonde gets hisself in a pickle: two of Kagan’s lackeys hold him down while Kagan slowly brings up a sword and stabs Mr. Blonde in the chest. In the meantime, Rookie gets in a swordfight with Head Lackey. HL runs his sword through Rookie, but Rookie is able to get behind HL and slice him across the throat. Rookie’s throat-cutting skills are truly impressive; Head Lackey’s throat splits open and sprays out blood, even though Rookie’s sword doesn’t touch him! I had to rewind through that bit a couple of times, just to get a few extra laughs.
So, everyone’s dead now. Well, Mr. Blonde is mortally wounded, and Rookie is wounded, too, but it doesn’t look like it’d be fatal. Now it’s just Rayne and Kagan. Get ready for more lame barbs and more bad editing. I’m repeating myself, I know. Some of this stuff, you just have to see; it defies description. All due respect to our High Priest, but I gotta disagree with him on something. BloodRayne is perversely fascinating to me. Seeing a movie like this is entertaining in a weird way, but also depressing. Entertaining, as in it has real train-wreck appeal. You can do little but drop your jaw or throw back your head and laugh at the insanity on screen. Depressing because you think, Orson Welles had to scrounge, beg, and borrow to make his honest-to-God masterpieces, and Uwe Boll conned someone into forking over real cash to make this truckload of fertilizer.
Kagan gets the better of Rayne, stabbing her in the belly, then the shoulder. He’s about to finish her off, when Rookie throws the bottle of holy water at him. Kagan catches it, but Mr. Blonde fires a crossbow, shattering the bottle. Kingsley does what he can to imitate someone writhing in pain, although the water clearly doesn’t do anything to him (imagine Bela Lugosi in the clutches of that rubber octopus in Bride of the Monster, another Ed Wood classic, and you have an idea of what this looks like). Rayne is able to stab him through the heart, and for a second, both Kagan and Rayne have grown fangs. Sheesh! (I read one review that noted that this movie didn’t need its characters to be vampires, as we rarely saw them do anything vampire-like. The reviewer was right.) So, Kagan falls back and does that mummified corpse thing. It’d be anticlimactic, except that it falls right in line with the rest of this dungheap.
Mr. Blonde falls back dead. Rayne goes to Rookie and has a lame no-don’t die moment with him, before he too goes to the Great Z-Movie Set In The Sky.
This movie still has 13 minutes to go. Oh, dear Lord. I HOPE most of that will be a long closing credit sequence.
Rayne takes a full minutes to cross the hall, turn around, and sit on Kagan’s throne, looking at the camera blankly. So, what, is she now the Grand Pooh-Bah of Vampires? What the hell?! And fade out.
And then we’re treated to a montage of the goriest moments in the movie, with some more scenes added for good measure, all done in loving close ups, most of them in slow motion. It would be thoroughly disgusting, except that it is done so badly that I nearly fell on the floor laughing. I haven’t seen Bad Taste, but I’ve read that it went along those same lines: the gore was so over-the-top that it was funny. Only difference was, Peter Jackson knew he was going for the laughs. Uwe Boll doesn’t. There’s a strange shot of Rookie coming into Rayne’s cell and giving her a cup of blood. The whole thing ends with a dissolve to Rayne staring vacantly at the camera again, and she breaks into a little smile. I have no idea what the hell Boll was trying to do here; ten bucks says that he doesn’t, either. And the music goes into a bombastic, over-the-top climax. More on the score in a moment.
Rayne rides out of the castle. Should’ve known this was coming: the final shot is a long pan of her riding on horseback down a dirt road through the mountains.
For what it’s worth, the movie was scored by someone named Henning Lohner. Lohner has done some arranging work on a couple of movies that Hans Zimmer scored; the only theatrical movie of note he scored was The Ring Two. I don’t remember his score any more than I remember anything else about that movie. Oh, yeah, he scored a TV mini-series: 10.5: Apocalypse. Insert Joke Here. The music in this movie was strictly Generic Cheap Horror Music, with two exceptions: that chuckle-inducing Fart Theme I mentioned earlier, and the final synthesizer chord that plays in the final scene. Wonder of wonders, this brief bit of score isn’t that painful; too bad that it’s a direct rip-off of part of Steve Roach’s The Magnificent Void.
Thankfully, the last seven minutes of the movie are, indeed, the title crawl. I’ve never done drugs, but after spending the last 90 minutes with BloodRayne, I think I know what a bad trip might feel like.
Afterthoughts
For the record, the fate of Billy Zane’s character is never revealed. It isn’t the only dangling plot thread here, just the most obvious.
It’s hard to believe that this is actually considered to be Uwe Boll’s best movie. As idiotic as it is, it is said to be far more competent than Alone in the Dark or House of the Dead. To those of you who have braved these two cinematic marvels, may hat is off. I don’t think I could sit through either one of them without my head exploding at least once.
I don’t know what to think of Guinevere Turner right now. I was convinced that she was phoning this script in. But I did a little checking, and she didn’t seem all that embarrassed by this thing; she even attended its red carpet premiere (can you believe this movie even HAD a red-carpet premiere?). If anyone reading this knows her, please slap her in the face and ask her what the hell she was thinking, okay?
If you know your bad movies, you should know BloodRayne’s fate. It opened in less than 1,000 theaters and did pathetic business, disappearing after a couple of weeks. Its distributor, Romar Entertainment, reportedly sent copies of the movie to a lot of theaters that didn’t ask for it. Ah, yes. Plenty of idiocy to go around.
It’s amazing how so many talented people could be taken in by a con man like Uwe Boll, and let’s face it, that’s exactly what he is. He makes a sale and gets plenty of money to make a movie. The only problem is, now he’s gotta make a movie, which he is incapable of doing. Boll seems to have bought into his own line of BS, which may be the worst mistake a con artist could make. He’s like a black hole of talent. His own talent is infinitely small, and it sucks in anything and anyone who is unfortunate or foolish enough to get within reach. Here’s hoping that Ben Kingsley, especially, can shrug off this embarrassment and consider it a mild blotch on his resume. Ditto for Michael Madsen, who is another good actor who has a very bad nose for scripts. Kristanna Loken’s career is in serious trouble. The fact that she’s going to appear in another Uwe Boll masterpiece says a lot about her, none of it good. The rest of the actors in this thing were obscure coming in, and they’re obscure going out. Michelle Rodriguez seems to be headed in that direction, and good riddance.
A sub-genre of videogame movies has cropped up in the last few years. Few have been worth the time taken to watch them. The problem is, videogames can’t be ported straight to the screen (and vice versa; can you imagine Citizen Kane: The Game?). Even the most cinematic games have writing that would raise eyebrows in the theater. But then, that’s what screenwriters are for: to figure out what part of the videogames will work on screen then work them into a good story. I haven’t seen Mortal Kombat, but I’ll take Lord Begg’s word that it’s a good B movie. Tomb Raider was watchable, mostly because of Angelina Jolie (sigh). Silent Hill had the best chance of making it as a film: the videogame had some glaring flaws in its story, but it was written well enough to make the transition (the fact that the game was honest-to God creepy didn’t hurt). You can imagine my disappointment, seeing it go from a pretty good horror flick to an unmitigated disaster in its second half. (By the way, there’s still hope for this series. Silent Hill 2 could be adapted pretty faithfully, and it would be an honestly great movie, if done right. But keep Christophe Gans and Roger Avary away from it, please.) The funny thing is, the best videogame movie around may still be the first one: Tron. And Tron wasn’t an adaptation of any one game; it was an original story.
The nice thing about the BloodRayne videogame is that the storyline is pretty simplistic and a little shoddy. Yes, that can be a good thing. Now, a decent writer could come up with his or her own storyline and fit the main character into it. Since the story was fairly weak to begin with, no one would have the right to complain if the filmmakers tweaked it some — if the story was good. I myself started playing around with a screen story, adding my own touches, and I wish I’d stuck with it. My story wasn’t very good (it would probably look like a poor rip-off of Batman Begins), but it was a damnsight better than what we get here.
One final note, something guaranteed to keep you up at night. Uwe Boll’s movies have gotten bigger budgets as he’s gone along. He’s made turkey after turkey, and yet he still is able to bamboozle someone into forking over major dough. His next movie, yet another videogame epic entitled Dungeon Seige: In the Name of the King, has a budget of $60 million.
God help us.
Immortal Dialogue
(Rayne is locked up in the circus cage.)
The Amazing Amanda: Rayne, are you all right? I’m working on a plan to get us out of here. My uncle, he’s a sailor, and he once told me of a place where people play all day, and the trees grow fruits in every color of the rainbow, and the sunsets set the whole sky on fire. Doesn’t it sound wonderful, Rayne? He’ll send for us soon, I know it. Until then, keep this close to you for protection. (gives Rayne her crucifix)
What is Rayne thinking?
A: If she starts singing “Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds,” I’m outta here.
B: You mean we’re going to Euro Disneyworld?!
C: If that’s your brilliant plan, I’m breaking out myself and puttin’ the bite on YOU, cousin!
D: All of the above.
(The answer is D, of course.) |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2006 : 11:34:22 PM
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And now the commentary....
Not sure how I’m gonna do this, as I’m going in cold. Prepare for more rambling.
The commentary is delivered by the man himself, Uwe Boll (and I’m gonna have to pronounce his name right: the others on the commentary pronounce it OO-va, and I may have too much on my mind to think of any more dumb OO-wee jokes), along with Kristanna Loken (showing that she didn’t realize how bad this movie was), Matthew Davis (who plays Rookie), Will Sanderson (Head Lackey), producer Shawn Williamson, and assistant director Bryan Knight. Will Sanderson is the second most likely in need of a CAT scan here (following our celebrated directum), as he starred in THREE previous Uwe Boll flicks, and is scheduled to star in three more.
It starts out pretty well, with our suspects laughing and joking, acting pretty laid-back. When they can do that and keep things interesting at the same time, you have a good commentary (The Thing and The Lord of the Rings are other great examples of this).
Early on, there’s some actual insight here; Boll talks about how the paintings during the opening titles were inspired by Goya and Bosch, mixed in with a couple of paintings showing Loken and Ben Kingsley. I’ll give him this; the paintings under the titles weren’t a half bad idea. They then talk about shooting in Romania, near Transylvania, the birthplace of Vlad the Impaler, Drac himself. Interesting thing, here. The games take place, in part, in America, and Rayne herself is an American. In the movie, Rayne is Romanian (for no good reason), and speaks with an accent. For some reason, I thought that Kristanna Loken was from Norway, and that maybe her accent was natural. Nope. A quick check on the IMDb reveals she is from New York, though she is of Norwegian descent. But hearing her natural voice, it strikes me that her performance in the movie is even more stilted and forced than I thought it was. Uh oh. When an actor’s voice-over makes the actor herself seem more interesting than your character, the director isn’t doing his bloody job. Boll makes a reference to the time when “the pest was all over Europe,” and the Inquisition was in force. I assume he meant “pestilence.” Dude, your movie takes place hundreds of years after those events.
Oh, here’s a tidbit. Most of the movie was shot on location. Boll claims that other movies that shoot on set look fake. This is an accomplishment of sorts: the guy made a location shoot look worse than a badly dressed soundstage. They go into a dialogue about the problems they had shooting in Romania, namely language barriers. It was fun listening to them laughing over the translations they had to learn. Then the assistant director slips in that, while Loken was the first cast, a lot of the major actors were cast a week before production started. That says a LOT about how (1) they got roped in to start with, and (2) every one of them plays his or her part like a dead fish.
The Amazing Amanda was a Romanian stage actress, whom Uwe praises for having a very good face. Her acting was entirely dubbed. That would be a fun thing to do, actually. Dub the whole movie in, a la What’s Up, Tiger Lily? Then Uwe reveals that Kagan’s castle is real, not CGI. Bravo, Uwe, two locations you made look like bad sets. Will Sanderson states that Ben Kingsley was easy to get along with, and even offered up some acting tips. Poor Ben; I’ll give him points for trying, anyway. Boll adds that Kingsley was “totally prepared, and he played Kagan totally realistically.” This as we see Kingsley’s face, clearly showing his embarrassment at being here. Crikey! It would be fascinating, and disturbing, to get inside Boll’s head.
Boll describes the blood rage flashback and Rayne’s escape as his favorite scene in the movie. He jokes that Kristanna was really crying, “because of the bad food on the set.” As goofy as these guys are, this commentary is MUCH better than the movie so far. Loken talks about how they came up with Rayne’s breakdown late in the shoot; they wanted to show her facing the fact that she has, in essence, just murdered several people. It shows a bit of insight on the crew’s part; too bad it doesn’t translate well to the screen.
Boll claims that BloodRayne was meant to be a prequel to the games, setting its story 200 years prior. The problem with this was, (1) most of what I’ve read about the games says that Rayne was born around 1915, and (2) Kagan is alive and well when the games get started, in the 20th Century. Oops! Boll then gives the hint that Guinevere Turner was one of several writers they considered, and she gave “the best pitch” to them, writing a “very very good script.” You mean Turner came to you with this script idea?! I wonder if some of this is BS; Turner is nowhere to be found in this commentary. But I’d still like to ask her what the hell she was thinking.
Boll goes into a brief description of the movie’s use of blood and gore. I buy the first part of it: vampires are bloodsuckers by definition, and a PG 13 movie would strain credibility. He says that his special effects guys went “a little over the top” on the gore, showing he is capable of understatement. I couldn’t follow what he said after that; this guy can mangle the English language like nobody’s business.
Loken goes into back-slapping mode, praising Boll for his use of flashbacks, and proving that she should never be tapped to do any writing.
Let’s skip ahead to Billy Zane’s first scene. Boll reveals that it was shot in a theater in Vancouver, and that it was a reshoot, as the original version made no sense. (Long pause) I repeat, “the original scene made no sense.” The nice thing about this is, you don’t really need to make a joke; it sorta tells itself, don’t it? After some more back-slapping about how this scene was so great (and I roll my eyes), there’s a nice tidbit about how the actors were mostly decent horseback riders, but them horses weren’t too cooperative. This is a bit of a surprise. Other than the overdone filters, the horseback riding shots were the only competent parts of this movie, which may be why Uwe treated us to shot after shot after shot after shot....
During the vampires-attack-the-wagon scene, Boll brings up Rayne’s wrist-swords. Kristanna said that they were tricky to work with, since they were heavy and not well-balanced. Obviously the budget didn’t call for a competent bladesmith. Boll, understating it again notes that Loken’s work with the sword looks “stiff.” The main reason they have these swords? Because they were in the game. You see, this is why it’s called “adaptation.” You ADAPT a story into screen form, meaning you keep what works and throw out what doesn’t! Got that, Uwe? You dingleberry. The same goes for your stupid decision to have Rayne in her leather red-and black skintight jobbie, rather than have her wear something that would actually fit in an 18th-Century setting.
Rayne’s in the village now, about to bite that female vamp. Boll makes an offhand reference to Lord of the Rings. Hey, Uwe, forget about boxing one of your critics. Take on Peter Jackson instead. I’d pay to see Jackson knock this dope around the ring and say to Uwe, “And then it dawned on him: ‘I’m getting my ASS kicked!’” (Yeah, that’s a reference to the game.) Loken says that the female vampire was originally supposed to be much older, but they went younger so it could be “more sensual.” No one seems to notice that the idea of a half-vampire biting a full vampire’s neck is, um, problematic.
Now we have Miss Cleo telling Rayne her fortune, and the line which still has me thinking maybe Turner DID know what she was doing. Perhaps. I didn’t mention this in the review, but the psychic was played by Geraldine Chaplin, who turns in the second-best performance in the film, next to Udo Kier. She didn’t do much; really, she showed up, knew her lines, and tried to put some personality into them. In this mess, that’s good enough. Boll says that Chaplin’s role was expository, and she was put there so they wouldn’t need a three-minute opening crawl at the beginning. Shock of shocks, Uwe is making a reference to Alone in the Dark and admitting he may have screwed up in that movie! The producer claims that the special effects men will have their own commentary on this disc. Guess what. They don’t. WHOOPS! Boll goes into a bit about how he wanted to use more Romanian actors and crew to save money, but it didn’t work out, and he had to bring in more people from abroad. I was right; he fails to notice the line where Miss Cleo literally tells the audience that she’s the exposition.
More of the umpty-eleven horse-riding scenes follow. The producer kids Boll about always wanting a helicopter shot in his movies, and Boll says his next film will be entitled, The Basement. I’ll give our crew this; they genuinely seem to get along and have fun together. I heard some glasses clink at one point, and I suspect they’re having a beer during this commentary. I know I’d want one. [Future Brad: nope, it was coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.] One cool bit of trivia: the monk who lets Rayne in the monastery is actually the stunt coordinator for the movie, and he used to double for Sean Connery in the James Bond films. They’re right; he DOES look a little like Sean. A little. Loken mentions that the food she has in that scene is better than the food they got from the caterers; they weren’t entirely joking when they said she really cried from having to eat that bad food.
There’s more mutual appreciation going on as Rayne battles Big Fat ’N’ Ugly; they think this scene is “awesome.” Ay-yi-yi. As Rayne enters the room with the Eye and the goofy booby trap, Boll rambles a bit about their special effects guy. I didn’t understand most of it, but one thing did come across: Boll hired him mainly because he came cheap. Well, THERE’s a big surprise. Loken cracks that this scene is her “Indiana Joan” moment. Har har. The sad thing is, she doesn’t realize just how right she is. She then lets on that they shot this scene on her birthday. Also, the crew reveals that the story didn’t call for Rayne’s right eye to morph from blue to green-with-contact-lens. She was supposed to rip out her eye and put that glass eye in! For once, Uwe held back, and the scene wasn’t as bad as it might have been.
Boll tells a genuinely funny anecdote about the trouble he had finding a hotel room or apartment to stay in during the shoot, and I gotta admit I could sympathize. One wishes Boll had a camera following him around, Project Greenlight style, to capture his travails; he must’ve known how Wile E. Coyote feels a lot of the time.
By the time he’s done with the story, we’re well into the Monastery Massacre. Boll promises to come out with an NC-17 “gore cut” of the movie, with more swords through heads and such. I can’t wait. Seriously, I can’t wait; as inept as the bloodletting is in this movie, another fifteen minutes of this crap will be a laugh riot!
Here’s a warning sign. Everyone gets quiet for a moment. We’re forty minutes in, and they’re running down. Boll tells of how they shot the monastery stuff inside a real church. They had to get out by three a.m., because there was going to be a wedding next day, and the church needed time to clean up all the fake blood. The crew ran over, shooting until six, and the wedding party came into the church to find it looking like a slaughterhouse. This wasn’t funny. Here we get a look at Uwe the Bastard; he minimizes ruining a very important day in a family’s life by saying the bride was “really fat and ugly.” Loken cracks up at this remark, putting an ugly mark on her personality as well.
They rally a bit a moment later when Head Lackey is carrying Rayne into Meat Loaf’s lair. It was another chapel, privately owned. Head Lackey wanted to carry a dummy, but he really carried Kristanna Loken in. Boll jokes that Loken weighed about 100 kilos, and Loken shoots back, “All muscle.” After a bit of filler about bringing Meat Loaf in for this scene, Loken says she loves this scene, “because it’s so completely wrong.” I’m with you on that last bit, Kristanna. Boll claims Meat Loaf’s nude entourage weren’t actresses; they were hookers. Very nice, Uwe. The producer praises Meat Loaf for his “really great performance.” (pause)
Are these guys smoking crack or something?
Meat may indeed have known what he’d dropped himself into; some of his antics were improvised on set. Boll then tells of how many of the extras in the vampire orgy scene were his German investors. I repeat, Uwe Boll’s backers play victims of vampires. Do I need to go any further with this one, kids?
There’s some more back-slapping as the fight with Meat Loaf takes place (Rookie’s good with a sword? I don’t think so), and some more joking, and one of the jokes goes right by Uwe Boll. But again, they’re losing momentum here, and the comments they make are half-hearted. After Meat’s been burned, and they ride off, Loken jokes that her moment of running out of Meat’s lair, covered in a blanket, is her best moment in the movie. Unfortunately, she’s not too far off.
Here I go, repeatin’ myself. Can’t help it; Uwe keeps piling it on. He says that all of the actors were real troopers considering the bad conditions they were under (mostly due to a pitiful budget, and that’s on YOUR head, Uwe). Michael Madsen carped a bit, but he finally gave up fighting and settled into his role. Boll praises the actors for doing a great job. I guess this character WOULD think this acting was great.
After giving a half-hearted explanation for why Ben Kingsley visibly sleepwalks through this movie, Boll says that the scene where Rookie, Rayne, and Blonde dock at Brimstone HQ was the only one he didn’t like. They had to shoot on set, and the “lake” wasn’t convincing. Funny thing, that. Compared to the rest of the show, this scene was relatively painless.
After almost a minute of dead air, the actor playing Head Lackey lets it slip that he doesn’t have a clue what Rayne’s beef with Kagan really is. Here’s the backstory: Kagan raped Rayne’s mom, producing Rayne. Mom kept Rayne in hiding, but Kagan found them and killed Mom. I know this from playing the game. But it isn’t clear in the movie! Okay, Will Sanderson is a frequent collaborator with Boll, telling me the man ain’t too bright. But the fact that someone involved with the shoot beginning to end didn’t get this incredibly simple backstory speaks volumes about the lack of skill that went into its making. Then Uwe boasts about the sepia tones of the flashback where Kagan offs Mom, comparing it to a similar scene in House of the Dead. At this point, I backed into a corner, curled into a fetal position, stuck my thumb in my mouth, and began to whimper.
Basically, there are three modes of discussion in this commentary. First is the cast and crew hanging out, swapping jokes; not too informative, but it’s fun, and you get the impression these guys would be pleasant enough to have a beer with now and then. Second, we get them fawning over what a great movie this was, and the only reaction you can give is to shake your head; are they really watching the same movie we are? Finally, we get Uwe Boll giving a little tidbit, such as this one: he wanted to shoot in a slower style, since “time moved slower” 300 years ago and not in such a “hectical music video clip.” Oh, and he says this right after a confusing, jarringly edited flashback. He also notes that Michael Madsen is acting slow, like he did in Reservoir Dogs. I kid you not. Is the man as incoherent in German as he is in English?
During the training sequence, Uwe states that one character’s jacket was “purchased at Best Buy” before someone reminds him that Best Buy is an electronics store. I said it before: you don’t have to add anything. This stuff sells itself. Someone should collect all of Boll’s quotations and put ’em on a CD or DVD in the comedy section.
They lapse into describing the action on screen until Uwe himself admits to the mistake about that bundle being too small to hold any clothing. More describing the action, until we get to the Gratuitous Sex. Loken tried to find the motivation for this scene, and she lets slip that she asked herself if Rayne and Rookie got busy just so the movie could have a “hot sex scene.” And again I must look in wonder: these guys are voicing the many, many problems this movie has, and they don’t seem to have a clue how this crap brings a movie straight to the Dark Movie God’s altar.
The dinner scene follows, and we get the biggest jaw-dropper in the commentary. Remember how I said Rayne was wearing the same costume as before? According to the filmmakers, she’s now wearing the new clothes Rookie gave her. You can’t blame me for not noticing, because her new costume looks exactly like the old one. Boll boasts how he thinks this think looks appropriate for the period, and compares it with Catwoman and Electra, disparaging both of those movies. Uwe, I haven’t seen either of those movies, but I’ll take your word that they’re not worth watching. Only one problem, big boy: your little movie sucked so bad that either of these movies will look like high art compared to it!
The crew lapses into autopilot for a bit, though Boll tries to claim that ALC is not a one-dimensional character during Rayne and ALC’s practice duel. I’ll give him that. She’s one-and-a-half dimensions, at least. Since the crew has run out of gas, and they’re mostly congratulating themselves on what a masterpiece they’ve wrought, I’ll probably limit the rest of this thing to really interesting bits of trivia (which I expect to be rare), and particularly stupid utterances from our Esteemed Directum (which I expect to be considerably LESS rare).
And the next of these comes right quick. Uwe says that Loken was the best choice to play Rayne (and she does look the part, I’ll admit), adding that he prefers her to a choice like Jennifer Garner, dismissing Garner as the “girlfriend of the lead, not the lead.” Garner’s movies haven’t been that great, but Boll seems to forget that she carried the TV series Alias for several years, and has proven her ass-kicking abilities quite nicely. I have no idea whether Loken can really act or not; Garner has proven she has some chops in that department. Come to think of it, Jennifer Garner might work well in this part, except that she’d be laughing too hard at the script to say yay or nay to it. Boll may be showing a sour grapes attitude here.
The following few paragraphs don’t need punchlines. Just keep in mind, I am not making a single one of these up.
After claiming that he finds Billy Zane’s second scene to be one of the funnier scenes), Uwe says he thinks Head Lackey’s ears are too low on his head.
Boll laughs at the idea of Rookie “stealing” a bottle of holy water from Eddie Sans Cruisers, until Loken reminds him that Eddie just told them they could take whatever they needed from his cache.
The assistant director, what-his-name Knight, played the guy who rows up, tells of the attack on Brimstone, and croaks. It is revealed that he would have played Meat Loaf’s part had Meat turned it down; they would’ve been out of options. That suggests that Mr. Loaf wasn’t their first choice for that role. Or the second. Or third.
After messenger boy buys the farm, Boll says that Michael Madsen cried a few times on set.
Loken reveals that Matt Davis was almost too drunk to stand in the “Rayne, don’t go!” scene, and Boll adds that Davis and Madsen got thorougly plastered on more than one occasion.
Remember the kid who saw Rayne’s invisible fangs? You know, the one who was shown dead in a desperate effort to get us all weepy? When they had him playing a dead body, the kid couldn’t sit still for two seconds, because he kept cracking up.
There is a LOT of dead air late in the commentary. Around the time Rayne and Company get thrown in Kagan’s ersatz dungeon, Boll brings up the score, praising it, of course, comparing its use of horns to the use of horns in The Shining’s score, which gave the viewer “an unsecure (sic) feeling in the stomach.” Ahem. The Shining had about seven minutes of electronic music by Wendy Carlos and Rachel Elkind; the rest of its soundtrack was classical music. In other words: the score had no horns whatsoever.
The crew confirms that Ben Kingsley spent about a week or two on the set. Loken says that Kingsley was an absolute gentleman to work with. One of the actors says, “Uwe is an absolute gentleman to work with.” Boll answers, “I know.”
Skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead.
When Rayne finally kills Dear Old Dad, Loken comments that Kagan “looks like a demented Easter Bunny.” I wonder if she’d seen A Christmas Story recently.
After Kagan snuffs it, Uwe reveals why Billy Zane’s fate was never revealed: they want him to be the villain in the sequel.
(In a small voice) The sequel?
(In an even smaller voice) Oh God.
No, no, don’t mind me. I’ll just sit here on the floor in the middle of the room, my eyes all googly, playing with my rubber duck, and saying “Fwee fwee nah nah bada budda boo.”
The final epilogue montage has nary a comment. Six minutes of dead air. On the plus side, I could indulge myself and laugh my head off again at the truly horrendous attempts at showing blood and gore.
And, as the credits roll, Uwe says, “I think it’s a really good movie.” And his cohorts agree.
I want my Mommy.
The DVD also contains a feature called “Dinner with Uwe.” I won’t bother to describe it here. After watching it for about a minute, I stopped it in an effort to keep my brain from running out of the house, catching the Amtrak, and taking a trip to New York City. If you want to brave watching that, go for it, and you have my undying respect.
I’m sure you are glad to see we’re coming to the end, if you haven’t closed this out already. I would actally recommend BloodRayne as a rental, so you can get some friends together and have a party. Be sure to bring plenty of beer; this thing’s much better when you’re drunk. There are too many moments where you will laugh out loud or simply drop your jaw for you to just write it off. But rent it, don’t buy it. At the end, you may very well feel beaten into submission, as I did. I have met the First Servant of Jabootu, and his name is Uwe Boll.
A few closing comments to the principals:
Ben Kingsley: Sir, please please please do two things. First, FIRE YOUR AGENT!!! Second, make a vow not to make more house-payment movies like this. Get back to doing good work in good movies, and all will be forgiven. (The same goes for Michael Madsen, though he has a lot more making up to do.)
Kristanna Loken: I’d give you the same advice I gave Sir Ben, but you should add one thing. If you’re the least bit religious, get down on your knees and pray... right now. I’ve developed a crush on you (and your face and figure may be the only really good thing about this movie), but you’ve already signed onto another Boll flick, proving your judgment is questionable at best and horrible at worst. Your career may well be damaged beyond repair. So, pray that someone casts you in a decent flick, and that you actually have the talent to pull it off. If this is not the case, then go back to modelling. There’s no shame in it, and it’ll be much less embarrassing than acting in crappy movies. Ask Cindy Crawford.
And last, but not least....
Uwe Boll: You have managed to get a doctorate in literature somewhere with a thesis on videogames, and you can sell snow to an Eskimo (and probably will, too). You can beat the tar out of any critic who challenges you. But know this, and keep it well. You can throw all of the above out, because it won’t change things. You are a serious contender for the title of Worst Director of All Time, bar none!
Whew! Where's the Tylenol? |
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John Nowak
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1017 Posts |
Posted - 10/16/2006 : 9:18:08 PM
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Good review! As it happens, I've seen Catwoman and Elektra, and I do not believe that either one is any better than BloodRayne. And they cost, respectively, $100 million and $43 million, according to Boxofficemojo.com.
To me, BloodRayne is one of those films you rewrite in your head as you watch it. The script is so badly put together that I can't believe a professional wrote it -- I personally suspect fiddling by Boll himself, who has proven in the past that he doesn't understand how stories work.
For example, Rayne gets the heart, and brings it to Kagan. He promptly throws her into the dungeon. I was expecting to find out that she had already absorbed the Heart, and the Heart gave her some power she could use to escape from the dungeon -- because she was actually one step ahead of Kagan. Doesn't that situation practically write itself? Suppose, for example, the Heart gave her an immunity to water, and Kagan locked her in a room filled with water except for one small pedestal?
I mean, BloodRayne was never going to win an Oscar. But it could have been a decent little B flick instead of a collection of set pieces that never quite gel.
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We've always been united in stupidity. That's why there is no hope. But, then again, when has that ever stopped us?
-- hbrennan |
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jackspencerjr
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
262 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2006 : 3:17:16 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by BradH812
Unless it’s particularly egregious, I won’t bother to mention that the lighting or set decoration feel false and badly staged from here on; every single set in the movie has that feel.
Oh, god. This is so true. I was amazed at how every single set piece looked like a freakin' set. This, I hink, is the DP's fault. James Cameron had problems with his original DP on Aliens because the guy kept lighting the sets up when it's supposed to be completely dark except for the marine's flashlights. |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2006 : 6:31:34 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by jackspencerjr
quote:
Originally posted by BradH812
Unless it’s particularly egregious, I won’t bother to mention that the lighting or set decoration feel false and badly staged from here on; every single set in the movie has that feel.
Oh, god. This is so true. I was amazed at how every single set piece looked like a freakin' set. This, I hink, is the DP's fault. James Cameron had problems with his original DP on Aliens because the guy kept lighting the sets up when it's supposed to be completely dark except for the marine's flashlights.
Of course, if a director has enough creative control, he or she can — and must — fire people who aren't doing their jobs properly. And Cameron had the sense to do just that to his first DP.
Unfortunately, no one could fire Boll from this flick. |
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twitterpate
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Canada
1026 Posts |
Posted - 10/23/2006 : 3:53:06 PM
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Yippee! (Does happy dance!) Another review from BradH!
Well, I'm going to have to catch a Boll flick sometime, or admit I'm just a fair-weather follower of Jabootu. This one sounds as if it could be bearable (I'm not, I fear, that big of a fan of horror flicks OR videogames to be able to sit through something like Alone in the Dark). The worst thing about this may be, as Brad and others have said, that it's such a wasted opportunity for a decent movie (not great, but entertaining), and it seems to have missed every single step of the way. Of course, Boll is not alone in his apparent inability to deal with the concept of a**-kicking female heroine - Hollywood would love to have a franchise like that which would presumably cater to both the young male and female demographic, but can't seem to get the formula right. Trinity in The Matrix can closest to that ideal, but remained a supporting character to Neo. I suppose when one of the least female-friendly industry out there decides that they're going to trumpet "female empowerment", nothing good can result. |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2006 : 06:35:11 AM
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Help.
They are indeed starting work on a sequel. Boll Weevil says he's gonna put Rayne in "the Wild West." I noticed that Loken will NOT be returning. Smart girl.
Anyone gonna be holding their breath at Oscar time on this one? |
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twitterpate
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Canada
1026 Posts |
Posted - 12/01/2006 : 09:36:38 AM
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Well, the Razzies do come out at Oscar time, so Bloodrayne might be getting some nominations there.
I don't suppose there will be much harm in changing the lead - I doubt too many people who saw the first one would willingly return to watch the second. |
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BloodRayne
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