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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
 Posted - 09/26/2007 : 7:46:35 PM
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You know, I never mentioned the full title of the movie in that last review. Okay, foregone conclusion, everyone knows it, but just in case, it was Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.
And now, this is the first-season finale of the TV series that followed it, “Flight of the War Witch.” My comments on the TV series are in the earlier review; they’ll be kept to a minimum so we can concentrate on this particular masterpiece.
Now, around the late seventies and early eightes, black holes were a big thing in sci-fi. A black hole cropped up in the Saturday-morning kids’ show Space Academy, one showed up in Flash Gordon, one was mentioned in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Oh yes, there was also a Disney movie entitled The Black Hole. Most sci-fi writers had no idea what a black hole really was; they just decided it was way cool to throw one of those things into their script. When I first saw The Black Hole, it was my favoritest movie in the world. I look at it now, and marvel at such sights as astronauts tooling around the outside of a ship without spacesuits and a glowing asteroid crashing into a ship and rolling through it toward Our Heroes. Guess what. It’s still my favoritest movie in the world. (There’s probably a few people here who may consider The Black Hole worthy of a Jabootu review. Well, it isn’t gonna come from me. I love the movie too much. Besides, don’t you dare tell me that the Cygnus isn’t one of the coolest damn spaceships ever built.)
And then there’s Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. I remember seeing a preview for the season finale, when they showed Buck going through a black hole “into a parallel universe.” Our favorite incompetent princess, Ardala, was back, and it was hinted that she would be joining forces with Buck this time. I remembered one shot of Buck and Ardala crouching down, Ardala wearing what looked like a black leather jacket, and I thought, “Cool. Ardala’s a tough chick.” But I never saw the episode.
For some reason, I was reminded of this episode several years later, and I wondered if Buck hadn’t been thrown into a universe where, say, Earth was the bad guy and Ardala was the good guy. That might’ve worked.
No such luck.
I finally saw the full episode on the Sci-Fi Channel about a year ago. Took me long enough to get around to this, but....
Bidi bidi bidi bidi bidi, it’s go time!
Fuuuuuuuuuutuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrre!!!
The pre-credits tease and show opener are longer than usual, as are the episode’s credits, which play over a static shot of the Earth. Seriously, the whole thing runs almost four minutes. Also, the closing credits will be unusually long, about a minute and a half, compared to the forty-to-sixty second final crawl a TV show usually has. Take this out, and the show runs about 90 minutes, still ten minutes longer than the original movie ran without credits. Great. Ten more minutes of pain.
The guest stars include Vera Miles (what’s SHE doing in this mess?! Actually, there’s an answer for that), Sid Haig (Yay!), and Julie Newmar “as Zarina.” I know who Julie Newmar is, but I haven’t seen anything she’s been in. Actually, I know her best for thanking Wong Foo for everything in the title of a movie where audiences got the “pleasure” of seeing Patrick Swayze and Wesley Snipes in drag.
After the credits get through, we see a glowing orb of some sort descending on Earth.
We go to a generic landscape (which I remember being used in a few other B-movies), and the animated UFO comes in for a landing, dissolving into a gold sphere that’s clearly larger than the animation that preceded it.
Cut to a shuttle flying through space. Inside, Buck and a hot new squeeze of his are bantering baout their warm “weekend in the country.” The dialogue suggests they, um, had a lot of fun during their vacation, but Gil Gerard is barely reading off his lines. I mentioned before how Gerard had gotten fed up with how his character was being written, and I wonder if he was now sleepwalking through his performance out of spite. Can’t say I blame him. Oh, in case you’re wondering, the whole Earth-is-a-barren wasteland subplot of the movie was jettisoned long before this episode came along.
Anyway, Buck’s girlfriend of the day notices the sphere down on the ground. Yes, they’re flying through space, and she sees a sphere maybe fifteen feet wide on the ground. And we see it, through an insert of the earlier shot of the thing. It’s amazing just how clumsy this looks. Actually, I think there’s a reason for that, which I’ll get into in a moment.
Buck calls Dr. Huer, who happens to be in his lab, along with Wilma, Theo, and (ugh!) Twiki. Funny how they’re all there at the right time, despite the fact each works in a different area. Anyway, Huer warns Buck that it might be a Draconian trick, that they’ve had some “difficulties” with our favorite Princess lately. C’mon, Doc, after the Wile E. Coyote style antics they’ve done before, are you really that concerned about these clowns? Theo doesn’t think it’s a trap; there aren’t any more ships in the area. Buck agrees to come in and then they’ll go out and take a look at this descendant of the Echo satellite. And Buck’s shuttle comes in, flying over a an obvious still photograph of the matte painting of New Chicago (you can see that the grain in the shot doesn’t move).
In the very next shot, Buck, Wilma, Huer, and Theontwiki are in a sort of pre-Hummer vehicle, trucking toward the gold ball. There’s some dubbed in dialogue where Huer tells Buck that “an inter-city shuttle located it” and that the pilot said “it looked saucer-shaped.” They then repeat their little chat about the Draconians. And then we see a closer shot. There’s more dubbed in dialogue from Buck to Huer, but we can see Buck riding on top of the transport, and his lips don’t move. Oh, one other teensy detail: Wilma is on top, too, but Huer is inside the cab.
(Blink) (shaking my head to clear it)
Ah, yes, our old friend. The continuity error. But there’s continuity trouble, then there’s continuity trouble. This is the latter. This isn’t the length of someone’s cigarette or the position of their hands changing, which one could understand. No, this is a goof that occurs in the writing. It’s not even on the order of the infamous “fifth Replicant” goof in Blade Runner, which could be chalked up to a rushed production schedule. I know what happened, and why this is all so clumsy. It’s the same reason, one suspects, for the long teaser and credits: the production crew realized they didn’t have enough show to fill the time slot, so they hastily added a couple of extra scenes... leaving the previous scenes as they were. The filmmakers could have cut this dubbed-in dialogue altogether, having a shot of the transport tooling along the landscape. But no-o-o-o-o!
And we have another clear indicator of a show worthy of the Ebon Horned One: reeking, blatant, utter contempt for the audience. This show had exhausted most of its good ideas by now; the “Space Rockers” episode should be clear evidence of that. But while this season finale has some interesting stuff in it, it’s clear that the writers didn’t care anymore... and they didn’t give a rat’s ass who knew.
So, they get out, along with Huer, Theontwiki, and a research team. Twiki says, “Bidi bidi bidi talk about close encounters!” And I choke back a sob. Sorry, I just can’t list all the bidi bidi’s Twiki pulls in this episode. I think I’ll just do a running tally and list it at the end.
So, they look at the orb and note that it seems to be completely seamless — despite the fact that there are several obvious seams, including a big one around the equator, that were painted over.
Buck approaches the orb. Huer warns him to be careful, even though the researchers are already doing a close inspection. Anyhoo, there’s an animated glowing effect on the orb, and a mechanical arm “ripples” out of the orb, carrying a smaller orb. That’s the best way I can describe it; actually, the effect is pretty neat.
My good thoughts about effects were crushed in the very next shot. We see a sort of POV shot from the orb, with the arm and small orb going to Buck. The arm is very obviously being handheld by an off-screen stagehand! Arrrggghhhh!!! Man, this heats me up. I’m not kidding, you could clamp that arm onto a grocery cart, push it to Buck, and keep the camera right over it, and the effect would be much better than what we have here!
Remember what I said about contempt? Square it.
Buck takes the little ball, and the arm goes back into the big ball. Buck notes, “If they wanted to hurt us, they could’ve done so by now.” Um, Buck, they still can. They decide to take the little gold ball back to the lab.
Now, throughout the season, we’ve had maybe three or four shots of New Chicago repeated. There’s the “Day Matte Painting” and the “Night Matte Painting” (both of which were recycled from the movie). Also, there’s been a shot of a modernistic concrete building to show Buck’s apartment, as well as a shot of a high tower to show where Huer works. But now the filmmakers thumb their noses at us again. We get a panning shot to show that the concrete building and the tower are part of the same structure.
Jerks.
Inside the lab, Our Heroes assume that this little golden whatchamacallit is a gift from a friendly intelligence. It’s the first, but not the last, stupid assumption people will make in this show. Anyway, Dr. Huer rattles off some gobbledygook about how he’s gonna use a cheap-looking prop to open the thing, then he turns on a cheap-looking prop, and the gold ball splits open to reveal what looks like a microchip of some kind. Huer says, “It loks like a microchip of some kind,” and puts it in the “macro-magnifier,” which is Newspeak for “really cheesy prop.” We see the, ahem, macro whatsit projecting an image on a big screen. Huer says the image is of “cryptographs of a universal language,” although it’s clearly just a series of microscopic photos of microchips. Huer has the chip sent to another lab for a closer look. Then Our Heroes notice a monitor, which just so happens to be getting a feed from a camera trained on the big gold ball. The thing’s taking off. Again, I’ll give Tim O’Connor credit. He tries to put conviction into his lines. Dr. Huer won’t have much to do for most of this episode, and what he does say and do will make him look pretty foolish. O’Connor will clearly be walking through those scenes. But there’s one particular moment where O’Connor really gets to—
No, I’ll wait until the right time. Just to keep you in suspense. Heh heh heh.
Oh, while I was ruminating.... Bum bum BUM!!! There’s the Draconia! Or, to be more accurate, there’s a reused stock shot of the Draconia from the movie. And there’s Ardala, getting a massage, bein’ a stuck-up bimbo. Damn, it just occurred to me as I was writing this: the only real difference between Ardala and Paris Hilton is that Pamela Hensley is a lot more attractive. Ah, well. Kane comes in with a guy who was spying on Earth Directorate. The spy gives his report.... And Ardala constantly interrupts him, telling him to just “spit out” his report. Doofus. Finally, the spy gives the news: them Earthlings — excuse me, those Terrans — found a little gold ball that they think is, you know, really important. Ardala dismisses the spy then tells Kane she wants that orb. Kane gives a little grin. Sigh. I preferred it when Kane was constantly fighting to keep from blowing up at Ardala for bein’ such a dummy. Oh, and Ardala tells Kane to call Tigerman in. Kane responds that Tigerman has been assigned to one of Ardala’s sisters. This surprises Ardala. Um, Princess, when your personal bodyguard has been reassigned and you don’t know about it, you really ought to start reading them daily status reports more carefully. Well, Kane has a consolation: a new bodyguard.
Oh good Lord. Never thought I’d miss Tigerman. To show they’re politically correct, the Draconians have a black actor playing Ardala’s new assistant. She says he’s “black and beautiful” and dubs him “Pantherman.” Oh, joy! By the way, Pantherman strikes the exact same pose those old Masters of the Universe dolls had. I wish I could show pics for this one, it’s a trip. I’ll assume the actor who played Tigerman had had enough and walked. But seriously, writers, couldn’t you have spent five minutes finding a smoother way to explain his disappearance?
Oh, I forgot. The contempt thing.
And we go back to Earth. Huer puts the chip back in the little ball, and the ball closes up. Again, it just occurred to me that the ball’s way of opening was almost exactly like the egg opening up in Alien. Again, this doesn’t speak well of Our Heroes. Buck and Wilma come in. Huer brings them up to speed. To make a long story short, the chip contains instructions on how one can safely travel into a black hole. Huer calls it “an invitation from another people, from an unknown universe.” Frankly, I preferred Maximillian Schell’s delivery in The Black Hole. “In.... Through.... And beyond.” No matter. Oh, they still have no idea who sent this thing to us, but they did uncover a bit of code that translates into the word PENDAR. There’s no explanation how our scientists figured out that was the name of the race that sent us the golden ball; guess we’ll have to take their word for it. Huer is planning to get the information into a program that a fighter ship’s computer can understand, then send a drone into the nearest black hole. Would’ve been nice if they could’ve explained where the nearest black hole is. And the expo wouldn’t be all that bad; after all, Buck is a guy from out of this time and might not know that, say, we’d catalogued nearby black holes we could get fairly close to. Buck doesn’t like the idea of sending a robot-operated ship into the black hole. He thinks the ship should be manned.
Out in space, that animated orb goes through a couple of subpar matte paintings that I think were supposed to be a black hole. As silly as The Black Hole was, its version of a black hole looked pretty good. Much better than this, at any rate. The orb goes through to a planet with a shimmering blue shield surrounding it. On what I assume is the planet’s surface, a pretty young lady in a blue dress goes into a chamber that’s lit with disco-style colored lights. Um, this worked okay for Star Trek, guys, but Star Trek had better writing to back it up. Oh, and Star Trek started to age very badly the day after 2001: A Space Odyssey hit the theaters. Anyway, the young lady comes into this room, which looks like a sort of conference room. And we have several, uh, leader types, beaming in. Literally coming in like the Star Trek transporter beam. One of the council members is played by Vera Miles. She addresses the Wise Old Sage in the center as the “Keeper.”
Well, these characters do one of the more blatant bits of exposition I’ve seen in a while. Let’s see. That gold thingy was their probe, check. They’ve been looking for people with “military capabilities,” check. Earth is one candidate, and the other is a race that is much “cruder, more malevolent, but completely predictable.” Hmmmmm, I thinks she’s talkin’ about Ardala, I does. More expo. A hostile race called the Zaads is launching attacks from (big surprise here) their giant battle cruiser against these guys’ defense shield. The shield’s holding just fine, thank you, but “the recent abduction of Kodus” is a problem. Every day, Kodus is taken to the quarters of “Zarina. The war witch herself is supervising the torture.” (Snicker) War Witch. Oh, it gets better, ye faithful. Seems these guys can monitor what’s going on inside Zarina’s big ship; Zarina should invest in some jamming equipment, yes? So, this guy Kodus knows something about how the shield works, and he won’t be able to take much more torture without talking. They can only hope help arrives before he breaks. I swear, they spell this out just as blatantly as I described it. Anyone want to beat up on the writers? Oh, we see some shots of the young lady inserted, her face showing she’s trying to act all worried. Methinks she’s this Kodus guy’s main squeeze, n’est-ce pas? Oh, and one of the council members, the one played by Vera Miles, yes, Vera Miles, is the young lady’s mother.
A quick check on the credits gives away why Vera Miles agreed to be in this thing. The young lady is played by her daughter, Kelley Miles. Ten bucks says the producers offered her the part, and she said she’d do it... if they gave her daughter a part as well. Didn’t go far from there, did she. Her character’s name is Chandar, but I think I’ll call her Barbie: she has about as much personality.
And now we go to a shot of a big spaceship whizzing past a cartoon-like background, showing this, uh, parallel universe. Uh huh. We go inside....
I do believe this is Zarina, our War Witch. Julie Newmar herself, in a gaudy red-and-black gown with headress. I couldn’t help giggling at this get-up she was in, and I must ask again, why does everyone in the future look like a fashion designer’s worst nightmare?!
Zarina goes to a blonde guy shackled in a sort of futuristic stockade. I believe this is that Kodus we’ve heard about. Oh, there’s Zarina’s henchman. Sid Haig! Well, we have at least one convincing villain in this thing. After seeing the blonde guy in close-up, I made the resolution not to call him Kodus anymore. I’m callin’ him Ken. Ken and Barbie, with about as much charisma and charm. Zarina goes to Ken and demands he give up that info on the shield. Julie Newmar overacts the hell out of this scene; I didn’t know whether to be amused or embarrassed. By contrast, Sid Haig just stands there and looks smug, and he exudes menace. We learn that Haig’s character is named “Spirot” (same pronunciation as Agnew; go ahead and make up your own joke here), and that he has the ability to “disrupt cellular composition” by just touching people. This was kind of a cool and creepy idea, someone who could screw up your innards by poking you in the chest. Too bad Ken does such a pitiful job acting like someone who’s being tortured. Oh, and for someone whose insides are being scrambled, Ken looks awfully healthy and well-groomed throughout the show. But give Haig credit. No dialogue, just a look like he enjoys hurting people, and he’s more interesting than Newmar, who says she doesn’t want to kill Ken yet. He’s still useful to her, and she plans to “use him.... in a variety of ways.” Oh, man. Get her and Ardala together, and combine them with the usual goofiness this show offers, throw in the contempt factor, and...
Well, it’s the first commercial break, about twenty minutes in, and I’m on page eight. This is gonna be another loooooong night. |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2007 : 7:52:06 PM
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And we’re back.
Huer is going home for the night, but he allows Buck into the lab so Buck can take another looky at the gold ball. Note there are two, count ’em, two guards watching the lab doors. Buck spends a long moment, uh, contemplating the ball, and thinking about that word “Pendar” (which appears on the computer screen, again, in a very amateurish way).
Uh oh, here comes that spy! The spy knocks the guards out rather easily. Guard duty in the future must come easy if these two dorks got picked for the job. Spyboy makes his way into the lab, knocks Buck out in a poorly choreographed fight scene, and makes off with the gold doohickey. We get the stock shot of the city at night (and the footage was starting to look a little rough, if ya ask me), and it’s back to the lab, where Buck and the guards are getting medical attention, courtesy of a couple of extras holding up cheap props and waving them around. Wilma comes in. You know, I have no problem with her wearing a tight-fitting red catsuit. Not realistic, but Erin Gray looks good in it. But I draw the line at a military officer wearing high heels on the job. Huer’s in the lab, too, and he calls the break-in “an absolutely unforgiveable violation on Ardala’s part.” Um, Doc, this is pretty mild, actually. Lest we forget, Ardala tried to take over the Earth in the first movie, and she tried another takeover and an attempt to blow up some cities during the series! Wilma worries that this is “another universe for Ardala to conquer. Since Ardala will make a similar comment in a bit, I’ll reserve my comments for then. Anyway, Huer notes that the Draconians will need to decode the thing before they can go through the black hole, so we may as well get through the thing first. He’s already programmed a drone (similar to Twiki, one presumes) to pilot the ship. Buck objects, saying that the first mission through a black hole should be manned.
Whoa whoa whoa, hold on, Buck! All our first spaceflights were unmanned! I don’t see any manned ships going to Jupiter, all due respect to Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke, but we’ve had several robot craft go out there. Never mind. Of course, Buck wants to be the one to go. Theo says that a human could handle unplanned stuff better than a drone. It’s a shaky argument at best, but no matter. It takes all of five seconds for Huer to change his mind and give Buck the go-ahead.
This could have worked. If Buck had gone through the series as the stranger in a strange land he was supposed to be, one could buy his jumping at a mission this dangerous. Hey, what does he have to lose? But by now, Buck’s pretty well adjusted to life in the future, so this doesn’t wash. No, he’s going because It’s In The Script. Before Buck leaves, Huer mentions that Buck’s gonna be in history books, not only as a man thawed out alive after 500 years, but as the first Terran to go to a new universe. He’s right. Only problem is, the attitude of the characters — and the show itself — is very casual. (Yawn) Oh, I see he’s gonna go through a black hole. (Studying my fingernails) Hmmmm, going to find a new universe, eh? (Stretch) Ho hum. Anyone want some coffee? (In 2001: A Space Odyssey, this was done intentionally, and it was creepy. Here’s it’s just goofy.)
Meanwhile, back on the Draconia....
Ardala and Kane study the gold ball, making some small talk about how dastardly Ardala is. Yawn. Then Dr. Huer hails them on the “vid phone” (while I roll my eyes). Kane is about to tell Huer not to let the door hit him on the way out, but Ardala wants to talk. So, Kane continues in his new role as Ardala’s bitch, conferencing in Huer and Wilma. Huer says he wants to lodge a “formal protest,” complaining about recent Draconian attacks. Ardala cuts him off, hangs up, and she and Kane exposit for the audience: Huer’s failure to mention the orb tells them it’s important. Kane promises to get the research crew on it, stat.
Back on Earth, Huer says, “This is preposterous!” Amen, Doc. Huer decides they need to have a face-to-face with Ardala. So, he and Wilma plan to go up there — alone — after Buck gets going on his little trip. Um, Doc, I’m not sure that’s the best idea....
Later on, Huer pays Buck a visit — and walks in on Buck making out with that pretty young lady he’d been to the country with. Huer says, “Sorry, I thought you were getting yourself together.” Buck answers, “I was.” Har de har. Seriously, Buck unless this thing with the lady is serious (and it isn’t), don’t you think you have more pressing things to do than hit it? She leaves, promising that they’ll get together when he gets back. Once she’s gone, Huer asks, “Buck, um, we haven’t been underplaying the hazardous nature of this trip, have we?” Ummmmmmm, YEAH!!! No one has seemed all that concerned about the danger involved in what Buck is doing. Anyway, Huer reveals that he’s worried Buck isn’t going to come back.... and he’s throwing in a little insurance policy. Twiki will go with Buck, and if something happens to Buck, Twiki will come back with a record of the journey. You know, just as Huer seems about to lapse into the old pompous fool mode he showed with Ardala, he comes along and gives us a refreshing bit of honesty. He’s direct and to the point, and he trusts Buck to be man enough to be able to take this bit of info in stride. Times like this, I really like the guy. (Tim O’Connor’s performance as Huer doesn’t hurt, either.) And this is a plausible reason to keep Twiki in the story. I have no trouble buying it. Oh, if only Twiki wasn’t such an annoying little twerp.
So now it’s time for Buck to take off. We have that stock shot of the city during the day (and like the night shot, it’s showing its use; the footage looks faded and discolored), and we’re in the hangar. Buck’s heading for his ship, with Twiki in tow, Huer tagging alongside. Buck asks Twiki to go on ahead and he bends Huer’s ear; he’s noticed something’s bugging Huer. And then....
Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. I wanted to run this scene over again and again, just to remind us that even Buck Rogers could bat a scene out of the park if it gave it a shot.
Here’s the dialogue between Huer and Buck.
Buck: What’s the matter, Doc? Something bothering you?
Huer: No, not really. I’m just.... I just can’t help wondering what it’s going to be like for you up there.
Buck: I know. I’ve been thinking a lot about that myself.
Huer: I imagine you have, yeah. (pause) Also.... This is probably the most dangerous mission I’ve ever assigned anyone.
Buck: Well, don’t forget, Doc, I volunteered.
Huer: Oh yes, that’s true. You volunteered, all right. (pause) Before I started with the Directorate, we were in the process of testing the new stargates. And I volunteered, naturally, to be the first person to fly through a stargate. It was quite an honor. Of course, I only flew across the solar system. It’s not quite what you’re about to do.
Buck: You’d really like to be the one to go, wouldn’t you, Doc.
Huer: Does it show that much?
Buck: Like a sore thumb.
Huer: (after a pause) I suppose what I really want to say is that... (pause) that I’m, well, more than usually concerned about this particular mission. Mainly because, since you’ve come here, you’ve become like family to me. (pause) Well, I hope you don’t decide to take another 500 years before you make your next appearance.
Buck: I’ll come back, Doc. Don’t worry.
Huer: Good luck, my friend. (shakes Buck’s hand)
Damn. I said, damn. I wanted to get to my feet and applaud. I gotta admit, this scene moved me. No, that’s not sarcasm. This worked beautifully! Warm and emotional, but not a drop of sentiment. What really brought it home was Tim O’Connor’s performance. You believe he meant every word he said. Simple and direct. When he tells Buck he considers him part of the family, you can see him trying to keep control, and almost succeeding. You know, you just know, there’s a lot that Huer wants to say here, but he just doesn’t know how to say it. Bravo! Gerard is still his smug self, but it’s not near as bad here, since this scene is supposed to be understated anyway. Yes, yes, YES!!!
Why couldn’t the rest of the series be slam full of stuff like this?!?!?! If it were, this would’ve been a damn good show! So, again, the joy of seeing this scene is lessened by the knowledge of just what the series’ makers threw away.
And since this is a Jabootu review, you just know what’s gonna happen next . We had a good scene. Payback’s gonna be a real bitch. And speak of the devil....
After Huer leaves Buck, Buck goes to his ship and starts prepping it. Uh oh. Wilma is there. Here we go.
Wilma: You didn’t think I was gonna let you go without saying good bye, did you?
Buck: No, I was hoping I’d see you before I left. Will you stop looking at me like that? I’ll be fine.
Wilma: I know, I know. Funny, all of a sudden I don’t know what to say.
Buck: You don’t have to say anything.
Wilma: No. No, I... I want to. You’re very special. You’ve been more than a friend to me. And I... I’ve learned a lot about myself. About being able to express my feelings. How to care for someone. You’ve shown me a whole side of myself I never knew existed. I’ve finally felt like a woman, for the first time in my life. And I’d hate to think what I’d be like if it weren’t for you.
Buck: You had a lot going for you from the beginning.
Wilma: You know, I didn’t think I was gonna like you when I first met you. But you have a way of growing on a person. And right now I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you!
Cue the violins! It goes on a bit longer, but I had to stop here. Sorry, I just couldn’t type anymore of this crap. Remember, Keep in mind that Wilma is supposed to be a Colonel! Erin Gray doesn’t quite turn up the syrup factor to 11. No, she holds back at about 9.4. Ugh! Oh, how I miss the bitchy and ballsy Wilma of the early series! Huer’s good-bye speech was so good because it avoided falling into every pit Wilma’s speech jumps headfirst into. And I tried to visualize what this scene could have been. Imagine this: Wilma is leaning up against the side of Buck’s ship, waiting for him. She looks him in the eye and says, “Don’t expect me to get all mushy, you know I don’t do that. Just get back safe, okay?” Then they exhange a long look. Took a layman like me twenty seconds to come up with that. I wonder how long it took those idiot writers to come up with the masterpiece of drama they threw our way. Wilma is all dewy-eyed and giggly, not the behavior of a military officer. And Buck’s smugness is thrown into sharp relief. Oh, and lest we forget, he was makin’ out with a bit actress a few minutes ago, making him look like a complete cad and Wilma look like a doormat. Yuck!
Finally, that’s out of the way, and Buck gets in his ship and takes off. We then truck back over to the Draconia. Ardala and Kane are looking at the gold ball, and Ardala is musing over the many new worlds in this other universe “right at my fingertips.” Yeah, Ardala, considering the outstanding job you’ve done taking over Earth, you should really hold your breath, uh huh. For a brief moment, the old Kane — the one with a pair of balls — surfaces, when he guesses, correctly, that Ardala’s real intent is to go and find a new personal love-slave. That Ardala. Always thinking with her libido. Then they get a report that the ship’s tracking Buck’s fighter, which is travelling “at a fraction of their light speed.” Ahem. Their light speed? I don’t expect this show to have, say, Stephen Hawking, as a technical advisor. But it’d be nice for the writers to crack open a high school science text. Light speed is light speed, ya dolts.
Anyway, Buck’s going into the black hole, which does not impress. Seriously, it looks like they took a photograph of Buck’s ship and made it do a loop-the-loop while superimposed over some shots of neon tubes molded into spirals. Buck continues to transmit his findings from inside the black hole. I promise this is the last time I’ll mention The Black Hole. As goofy as that movie was, it got a few things right: First, since black holes have such powerful gravity, light can’t escape them; ergo, you won’t pick up any radio transmissions from inside them. Second, even if they somehow survive, anyone going into one of these things is taking a one-way trip. Finally, oh yeah, black holes are, you know, dangerous. We don’t get the first hint of danger in this sequence.
Finally, Buck’s radio winks out. Dr. Huer says, “God help him. He must be through now.” God bless Tim O’Connor for making this line work. And he has my sympathies: Huer won’t have much to do for the rest of the episode, and what dialogue he does have, often as not, will make him look pretty foolish. Anyway, now that they’ve seen Buck off, it’s time for Huer and Wilma to pay Ardala a little visit.
That’ll have to wait a couple of minutes, though. We get a brief scene aboard the Draconia where Ardala tries to bark orders about wanting a computer disk like the one Buck used to get through the black hole. Kane shows he’s way ahead of her; he already got a team working on it. Savor it, because this is probably the last time we’ll see Kane trump Ardala in the competence department.
There’s another quick scene back on the alien planet. Barbie-doll is watching that red dot move up the monitor of the baddies’ ship. Anyone with half a brain could tell what she’s watching here, but she spells it out for the rest of us: Ken is being moved into the torture chamber again. Barbie and her mom have a help-is-on-the way scene, which shows two things: (1) Vera Miles will have nothing to do in this show, and (2) her daughter isn’t a very good actress. Okay, hard to turn in a sterling performance in a show like this, but note that Kelley Miles hasn’t done anything of note before or since.
And we’re back to Buck going through the black hole. Dum de dum, dum de dum. He’s through now, and he’s in that parallel universe. Buck remarks that it doesn’t look that different from our own. He’s right; it looks exactly the same, except for some cartoonline nebulas and stuff flying through the background. Seriously. Then Twiki chirps, “That’s different,” and we see the planet with the blue force field surrounding it. Mighty close to that black hole, isn’t it. Oh, by the way, it was about this time that I realized that Theo was still hanging around Twiki’s neck like a really big medallion. But he hasn’t said a word since before the trip began. This illustrates just how Theo was getting pushed into the background as the series went on. Now, I really don’t care; Theo was a pretty poor character to begin with. Problem is, without Theo, Twiki has no real purpose; his primary job is to carry Theo around. Stupid writers. Stupid show. Ah well, I’ll just assume that Theo is so embarrassed by having to hang around this failed comedian that he prefers to remain silent whenever possible.
We see a gate of some sort opening, letting them into the energy shield, and they start in. The swirling colors that make up the background of the shield aren’t too bad. But then they start flying through a menagerie of sorts. Theo states he’s never seen animals like this, despite the fact that they look like stock photos or film strips of lizards, snakes, insects, etc., that could have been taken from a National Geographic special. Buck surmises that they are traveling through a strange sort of zoo. At last, they come through the shield and feast their eyes on the planet Pendar. A couple of tractor beams shoot up from the surface (no, it doesn’t look too good) and guide Buck’s ship in.
Back to the Draconia. We see four Terran fighter ships coming in, but when we go inside the flagship, the only ones there are Dr. Huer and Wilma. Let’s cut through the bureaucrat-ese: Huer demands that Ardala return the orb. Ardala basically says, Finders keepers, losers weepers. Besides, since Huer and Wilma are alone on this ship, they’re hardly in a position to demand anything. I can’t believe I’m saying this: Ardala is right! It was stupid of Huer and Wilma to come on board without some sort of backup! Huer turns to leave, saying Earth is gonna declare war on the Draconians. Ah ah ah, not so fast, Doc. Ardala’s got you here, and she wants to keep you. Ardala’s crew blocks the way. Seems the Draconians have figured out the key to getting through the black hole. Ardala wants to take the Draconia through, and she’s taking Huer and Wilma along for the ride. Again, Huer and Wilma look extremely foolish for going in without thinking what they were going to do or say.
Buck has landed on the planet, in a spot that looks like the Garden of Eden. Or, at least, a very well-decorated set on Universal’s backlot. He and Twiki mill about for a moment, then Barbie beams in, the same way the Keeper and the council did a while ago. Speaking of which, the high pooh bahs of Pendar are expecting Buck. Would he like to accompany Barbie to their meeting room?
And we go back to the Draconia. The ship is entering the black hole, with the same lame effects shown when Buck went in. Ardala, Kane, Huer, Wilma, and (snicker) Pantherman all wobble on the floor as the camera shakes to simulate turbulence. Big surprise here: Ardala complains that the ride isn’t smooth enough. Again, I ask you, wouldn’t she be a better villain if she wasn’t such a petulant brat all the time? And with that, we go to the next commercial break. (Actually, we’ve had a commercial break already, but the DVD has the chapters spaced out at every other break or so, about twenty minutes each. Convenient for putting in a stopping place, I say.) |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2007 : 7:53:49 PM
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Barbie leads Buck through the garden, commenting on the “life field” Buck passed through. That’s the Pendarans’ term for that part of the shield that held all those strange suspiciously familiar animals Buck saw. Seems that those things were aliens that tried to invade Pendar “eons ago.” The Pendarans won the fight and stuck the aliens in that “life field.” Barbie states firmly that the Pendarans are a “life-loving people” and can’t kill anyone, even in self-defense. Remember this; it’ll come back and bite this show on the ass later on. Anyway, that “life field” has held the aliens for God only knows how long, alive and possibly conscious, but frozen. Buck says that a lot of people would consider that a fate worse than death. Barbie says, “The Pendarans do not.” And there endeth the debate, despite the fact that Buck has a stronger argument. If I remember my high-school literature well enough, Dante’s Inferno stated that the innermost circles of Hell were made of ice, not fire, and that the worst sinners were encased head to toe in ice for eternity. Sound familiar? This “life-loving” race is starting to creep me out.
As they head for an underground building — whose entrance looks, literally, like it was built out of Tinkertoys — Buck remarks on how this place looks like Earth, as least “as it was.” And we learn that the Pendarans know all about us and our liddle nuke-u-lar war. Um, Buck, this WASN’T how most of Earth looked in the 20th Century. Oh, there’s an explanation, and it’s pretty rich.
Buck, Theontwiki, and Barbie go into the council’s chamber, where the Keeper waits for them. The Keeper then explains how the Pendarans know our language, and how they look like us. And here’s the explanation: the Pendarans are “energy beings” who can beam in and out at will, and who have taken human form — and made their planet to look like an Earthly paradise — for the benefit of us lowly Terrans.
Ahem. Yeah, right.
Okay, so how do you explain these guys looking like humans before Buck arrived? Or how Zarina could have a human-lookin’ Ken there for the torturing? This line, all by itself, is a graphic example of how idiotic this show could get. The explanation could have been simple. How about, say, the Pendarans have studied us and learned our language? And they just happen to look like humans, since this IS a sort of parallel universe. Okay, I’ll buy that, at least for 90 minutes. But the writers went out of their way to take the worst route possible. They were stupid, incredibly lazy, or.... Say it with me, folks: Contempt for the audience. The death knell for any movie or TV show.
Now the Keeper gets the rest of the council to beam in, so they can let Buck know why they sent that little invite. Vera Miles spells it out for Buck. The planet Zaad is about as far from Pendar as Mars is from us. It’s ruled by “the War Witch, Zarina,” who has “ravaged every other habitable planet in this system.” Um, more fifth-grade astronomy here, folks. It’s doubtful you’ll find several habitable planets in a single solar system. You’ll be damned lucky to find one. Oh, and if you noticed that this is the second time the Pendarans spelled out the whole expo for us, give yourself a gold star. I guess the writers needed some filler to put the show at the 90-minute mark, and they figured the audience had a worse short-term-memory than Dory in Finding Nemo.
And we go back to Zarina’s ship. Uh oh, looks like Ken gave Zarina that info she wanted, which was, I think, a way to send a small fighter ship in through the shield. Not much happens here, but Zarina does give some expo that she’s gonna send some troops down to the planet’s surface to sabotage the computer and bring the whole shield down. Two things occurred to me here. First off, Zarina makes the statement that “To live, one must be willing to die, or to kill.” Newmar makes this sound as oily as possible, but I thought it was a fairly valid statement. Second, Sid Haig is MUCH more effective as a villain than Julie Newmar. Haig has one line, and he says it calmly. Newmar, in contrast, overplays the hell out of her part, and she looks like a third-grader acting in a school play. Anyway, Zarina tells Spirot to send the commando squad in, then she tells Ken she wants him to watch the attack, because she’s so EE-VILL!!!
Let’s pause for a moment so I can get something out. Sid Haig has made a career of playing villains, usually in low-budget exploitation movies. He’s probably best known to modern audiences for playing Captain Spalding in House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects (two movies I haven’t seen). I know him best from Jason of Star Command. I was eight years old when that show aired on Saturday mornings, but even then I could tell this was pretty cheesy stuff. Today, if you showed that series to me, I suspect I’d find only two really good things about it: some decent model work and Sid Haig’s performance as the villain, Dragos. Haig nearly lunched his career some time back when he tried to refuse playing villains. He wised up, realizing that, hey, he does it so well. Hell, the guy looks menacing. And he can cock an eyebrow at you, and you’ll be thinking, “This is one bad-ass dude, and I wouldn’t want to have to take him on in a fight.” He does that sort of performance here, so at least TWO actors (O’Connor is the other one) have an idea what they’re doing.
Say, what’re Buck and the councel discussing? Let’s go back and see. Hmmmmm, the Keeper is telling Buck how “Pendar has become a victim of its own enlightenment.” (snicker snicker) I’d better let this one go; if I went into everything you could say about that statement, this review would top 100 pages. And then, amazingly, the show has a good line. Buck is suspicious of any country or planet that’s “so advanced they’re MORE vulnerable.” The Keeper counters that people on Earth have done the same thing, “giant nations bowing to smaller ones for diplomatic purposes.” The writers seem to have stumbled over a pretty good line, but as they don’t pursue this in the slightest, I’ll assume they didn’t realize they’d made a good point and went on writing more crap. Anyway, the Pendarans have two devices they can use. The first is a doomsday machine that could destroy Zaad, but would take Pendar out as well (and this is never mentioned again). The second is the energy shield, which is now “threatened.”
To make a long-winded story short, they want Buck to fight their “limited war” for them. Buck retorts that maybe they should’ve asked him what HE thought about this idea first. And he’s right. No matter. The Keeper reveals that they also contacted the Draconians, hoping they’d enter the fight. Twiki’s bidi bidi comment — “Them’s fightin’ words!” — is lame, but he’s correct. Oh, one problem. The Pendarans DIDN’T contact the Draconians. Ardala’s crew STOLE the invite the Pendarans sent to Earth. And the series crew’s contempt for the audience grows more and more blatant.
Eek. Gadzooks! Some Zaad ships are attacking the shield! Horrors! Oh, the shield holds.... or so the Pendarans think. But one of the Zaad ships gets in undercover and lands without anyone else’s knowledge. Back in the council room, Buck asks the Keeper a good question: even if he says yes, which is doubtful, he can’t fight Zarina’s forces all by his lonesome. Never fear, Buck, as the Keeper says, “Arrangements have been made.” How comforting. Is it me, or are the Pendarans looking worse and worse the further we go?
Outside, Barbie tells Buck all about Ken, uh, Kodus. Or whatever his name is. Oh yeah, and he’s her fiancé. Yes, once again, they’re repeating the exposition for us boneheads watching this stuff. The Idiot Box is living up to its name tonight.
We have a brief scene between Zarina and Spirot where they spell out for the second time what their EE-VILL plan is. And then we go back to the planet’s surface, where the commando squad is going in. Note that these guys’ outfits consist of black shiny jackets, black pants, and motorcycle helmets. I swear I’m not kidding. They check their goofy-looking tracking devices then enter the underground complex, shooting and vaporizing a couple of Pendarans along the way. Waitaminute, I thought these people were energy beings who— oh, never mind.
Buck is getting situated in his room, when the door opens to reveal a small non-humanoid robot. The robot asks Buck to come to the council chamber. Twiki then starts arguing with the robot, showing his contempt for this little reject from Radio Shack.
Oh, I get it! I get it! Twiki now has his own sidekick! Whutta riot! And this robot is a stick-in-the-mud to contrast Twiki’s antics! Ha! Hilarity ensues! Oh, how cuuuuuuuuuuute!
Would you excuse me for just a second?
[Management: Oh, Lord, there he goes! Pip, are you in position? Good. Sorry for the interruption, ladies and gentlemen, but our erstwhile reviewer has just jumped up out of his seat and bolted for the door. Fortunately, we anticipated this, and we stationed Dr. Eva Vandergeld right outside. Brad will have to go through her to get away. Now, he may be bigger than she is, but remember, she watched Freddy Got Fingered and walked away from it with relatively little permanent damage. Ah, there you are, Brad. Now be a good boy, sit back down, and finish your movie and review.]
You forgot to mention that our Pip is a veterenarian who specializes in examining horses. Don’t think I want her to turn that expertise on me in any way. Okay, okay, I’ll get back to the movie.
Oh, before this scene ends, take a good look at Twiki. When he’s showing the other robot out, you can see the back of his neck, and there is CLEARLY a seam where the zipper goes in the costume.
So, it’s back to the council room. Oh, look, there’s Huer and Wilma. And Ardala and Kane! All one big happy group in one room! Notice that Dr. Huer is back in his silver-white uniform, matching Buck and Wilma. But he was in his black-and-gold uniform earlier, when he and Wilma trucked on over to the Draconia. Oh well, considering the crap this show’s thrown our way so far, this is a small thing. Anyway, the Pendarans have repeated their, um, “request” for the Terrans and the Draconians. Huer informs them that while they were right about Earth’s “scientific curiosity” and Ardala’s “banality” (score another point for Dr. Huer; he nailed her pretty good there), they don’t know Earth or Draconia all that well. For once, both races are in full agreement: we’re not mercenaries, Mr. Keeper, so you can shove that little war of yours up your ass. The council then lets the other shoe drop: they gave us a way to get into their universe, but no method for getting back. If we want to get back home, we’re gonna have to help them.
Well, Ardala was pretty dumb, going into the black hole like that. No surprise there. But the Terrans look pretty foolish, too, going in without asking WHY this race was inviting us like this. As for the Pendarans, well, this scene did it for me. These “life-affirming pacifists” are a bunch of hypocritical jerks. “No, we will not wage war. We’ll get others to do it for us!” Strike that. They’ll blackmail others into fighting for them. Who the hell set down these people’s code of ethics?! Rosie O’Donnell?!
After some more filler showing those commandos making their way through an empty corridor, still holding out those goofy tracking devices, we go to Buck’s quarters. Huer and Wilma are here too. Huer is royally pissed at the Pendarans. While I still think he should feel pretty foolish (see the above paragraph), he’s still right to be mad at them. But Buck brings up a good point: we don’t have any choice now. Well, there’s not enough Terrans to put up a good fight. Say, what about Ardala? She’s got a big battle cruiser up there with a full squadron of fighters. Wilma doesn’t think Ardala will agree to it, considering how peeved she was at these people earlier. Huer wonders what could convince Ardala to go along— and he and Wilma both turn to Buck. I gotta admit, this was amusing, especially that little knowing grin Wilma gives Buck. Buck agrees to go and, uh, talk to he. Huer says Buck is going “above and beyond the call of duty.” All things considered, this scene wasn’t too bad. Even Twiki’s bidi bidi joke wasn’t all that— nah, it was just as lame as ever. For the record, after this scene, Tim O’Connor has nothing to do except stand around and watch the action. Too bad.
There’s a brief scene where Zarina tries to torture Ken for no good reason (after all, he’s already given her what she wants), then she makes him an offer to be her personal, uh, servant. The scene goes nowhere, but it does eat up a minute or so of screen time. Oh, and it does remind us just how bad Julie Newmar’s performance is: she literally spits out every word. I don’t exaggerate when I saw they this makes William Shatner look like Robert Duvall in terms of acting.
Now Buck has flown back to the Draconia. He heads straight for Ardala’s bedchamber, but Kane stops him outside, introducing him to (snicker) Pantherman. Kane wants to know what Buck’s up to. Buck says he wants to talk to the Princess, alone, then grabs Pantherman’s arm and flips him over. Yes, just like that. Some bodyguard! Kane has really gone down the tubes. Once upon a time, he was halfway competent. Now he’s a yes man, and a dumb one at that. Ardala comes out, wanting to know what’s going on, and she chastises Kane for his “rudeness.” Buck says it’s okay. “No harm done.” Damn right, no harm done. Kane and Pantherman couldn’t hurt Buck if they tried. Give them a couple of Uzi submachine guns, and Buck could drop to the floor and let them shoot each other. Hey, Kane! What color is the boathouse at Hereford? What color is the boathouse at Hereford?! (If you don’t get that joke, shame on you. I just ambushed ya with a cup of coffee.)
Ardala leads Buck into the bedroom, coming on to him as always. Something I noticed here. Ardala’s costumes throughout this episode bare her midriff; only once will we see her in something that doesn’t expose her navel. Here, she wears a sheer skirt and a bikini top. A serving girl (who is, of course, smitten by Buck’s macho aura) is here, wearing a long-sleeved shirt and long pants. How does this work? Do women in Draconian society wear less as they go up the pecking order? If that’s the case, Ardala’s mother, the Queen, must prance around nude twenty-four-seven. Hey, if she looks like her daughter and has aged well, I won’t complain. But I digress.
Well, Ardala’s none too pleased when Buck tells her why he’s here. He then repeats the little we-help-them-or-we-can’t-get-home bit, which Ardala apparently didn’t hear when the council spelled it out. Ardala says, “They have no right!” Buck says, “They have no choice.” Um, Buck, it’s the Terrans and the Draconians who don’t have a choice. Morally, Ardala is right here. Yes, you heard me, Ardala has the high ground here. Anyway, Buck tells her they have to fight, and he’s gonna need her help. Ardala gets all kittenish and asks Buck just how much he needs her. She then lies on a couch and pats a spot next to her, and Buck can’t help but grin. The scene cuts away here, but it’s obvious what happens next. Hope it was good, Buck; I imagine a nymphomaniac like Ardala would be pretty decent in the sack, at least.
Oh, looky here, those damn commandos are STILL running around the corridors. Damn, how long have they been doing this?! And aren’t they lucky no one has spotted them! Oh, and it’s obvious it’s the same corridor they’ve been running through all this time, with a couple of changes in lighting. Sheesh! At long last, they get to a room filled with computer banks that are straight out of the late seventies. Looks like they found the shield generator.
Buck returns to his quarters. Barbie and Wilma are waiting for him. There’s no mention of what Buck and Ardala did during that cutaway, although they must’ve been pretty quick; not a lot of time seems to have passed since Buck went up to the ship. Anyway, Ardala hasn’t committed either way yet. Um, Buck, if you did what I think you did, man, you shoulda gotten her to make a decision. For once, though, Twiki’s bidi bidi isn’t all that lame; he says, “Bidi bidi at least she’s consistent.” Oops, there’s an alarm! Golly, the shield generator room’s been broken into! Buck, Wilma, and Barbie race to the generic corridor outside the computer room. There’s a goofy firefight between Our Heroes and that commando squad. Buck is able to get into the computer room, but one of the commandos is hiding in there, and he starts to fight Buck. Note that he doesn’t shoot Buck, even though he has a perfect position. Wouldn’t this be a good example of Ken’s Rule of Guns? Ah well, at least we know that Wilma is halfway competent in a gunfight. All is for naught, though. The commandos blow the computer up. Buck is standing five feet away when it blows, and he’s blown out of the room and knocked out cold for a couple of minutes, but he has no injuries beyond that. I’m serious, not even any cuts or bruises! His uniform is sparkling clean! Stupid show.
So now they get back with the council. The Keeper spells it out for us once again: Zarina plans to send her fighter ships (they’re called “sharks”) in, then invade with her flagship. The Terran fighters (all four of them) plus the Draconians should be enough to take out the sharks, but they need to repair the shield to be able to take on the flagship. Buck is still worried that Ardala isn’t going to go along with it... but then Ardala comes in, saying she’s in, adding that Buck made some “very good arguments.” Guess it was pretty good, eh, Princess? Buck wants to go in and try to spring Ken, uh, Kodus, and get him back here so he can repair the computer. Ardala recommends going to the Zaad ship herself and having a “woman-to woman confrontation” with Zarina. Clean your dirty minds out, guys, remember, this was 1980 network TV. Kane doesn’t like the idea (showing a glimpse of competence, at last), but Ardala orders him to shut up. Buck doesn’t like the idea either. He asks how they can sneak aboard ship, and the Keeper just so happens to know a perfect way, stowing away on a drone supply ship. And I twiddle my thumbs and whistle. Not much point in arguing over how goofy this bit is; we passed the point of “just plain goofy” long ago. Anyway, the plan is in place. Ardala leaves in a huff, warning everyone to remember this truce is only temporary. For once, Twiki’s bidi bidi is right on target. He says, “Sweet kid,” sarcastically.
Ardala storms down the corridor ranting and raving about how Buck has undermined her. Kane tries to reason with her, pointing out, rightly, that going along with Buck and Company is the best decision, but once again, Ardala is showing what an idiot she is, whining like a spoiled eight-year old. Seems she has another idea in mind. Oh, I can’t WAIT to see what this tactical genius is cooking up.
Buck and Wilma take off. Wilma is worried for Buck. Buck reassures her that he’ll be in and out of the cruiser lickety-splat. Wilma counters, “I’ve heard that before.” And she’s right. They close in on the supply ship, which looks like a plastic toy, badly blue-screened in over the defense shield background.
Ardala makes ready to leave her ship. She’s wearing a dark blue (or purple, depending on the light) vinyl thing, with tight pants and long sleeves.... but exposing her midsection, natch. I’m describing her outfit for a reason. Read on, I’ll explain in time. She basically tells Kane to shut up before he can say anything; it’s clear he doesn’t like what she has in mind. Considering how badly Ardala has botched things in the past, you’d think Kane would have a little more power and a little more balls. Forget it. He knows his place now. Dammit.
The supply ship docks with the Zaad battle cruiser, and we see some lame ass androids file out; they’re obviously people in black clothing and cheap masks. Buck tries to sneak out... Oops! Zarina’s guards are waiting for him.
Buck is taken to Zarina’s quarters. Big surprise: Ardala’s here, and she reveals she ratted Buck out. Then Ardala says she’d like to have a private “woman-to-woman” conversation with Zarina. Zarina says she prefers “man-to-woman” while I bonk my head on the wall to stop them goofy giggles to take over. Zarina orders that Buck and Ardala be taken to a holding cell. Ardala whines again, and for the fiftieth time, I have to roll my eyes at what a ditz she is.
In the holding cell, Ardala tries to get Buck to talk to her, but Buck has had enough. FINALLY. A guard comes in and takes Ardala back to Zarina’s quarters (sheesh, why bother taking her to the cell?!) while Ken is dumped in the cell with Buck. Um, guys, I don’t think it’s a good idea to toss two enemy fighters in a cell together.
So, Ardala goes back to talk with Zarina. She has an offer: give the Draconians a way to get back home, kill the Terrans, except for Buck, and give Buck to Ardala, and Ardala will throw in her fighters to support Zarina’s invasion. Zarina points out the teensy flaw in Ardala’s plan: she doesn’t NEED Ardala’s help. Then they exchange the following dialogue, which SHOULD have been really good:
Zarina: In your universe, they call you a princess?
Ardala: Yes.
Zarina: In mine, we would call you a child. An arrogant, demanding child. Do you really think you can come to me with a proposition and assume that I need or want your help, Ardala? (Laughs) Oh, pardon me, Princess. You said we understood each other. You could not be more wrong.
Ardala: Just a minute, Zarina.
Zarina: I understand you, your petty quest for bits of power, your need to conquer, your desires, but you don’t see me.
Ardala: You’re not that different from me.
Zarina: In one very important way. I’ve earned my position, Ardala. You have been given yours. I am a woman, and you’re just a little girl.
And with that, she throws Ardala out, ordering a guard to take her back to the cell. Man, I so wanted this to work. At long last, someone is opening up a well-deserved verbal can of whoop-ass on Ardala. It could’ve been great.
Just one problem. The acting in this scene is horrible. Seriously, it was painful watching Pamela Hensley and Julie Newmar trying to out emote one another. They’re all bulging eyes and flaring nostrils, like they were trying to channel Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard; I half expected one of them to tell Mr. DeMille she was ready for her close-up. Newmar, especially, blows it. I can buy — to a point — Ardala being a callow little twerp. But Zarina, this mature woman, is even more over the top. Zarina will look even worse later on, when she proves to be even dumber than Ardala.
Back on the planet, Huer and Wilma have figured out what Ardala pulled. Huer gets Wilma to head up to the Draconia so she can hook up with Kane and start the attack. Buck will have to fend for himself. Again, I think Huer’s not half bad as a leader here. He has a brain in his head, and he has the guts to make a cold decision when he has to. Well, maybe we should qualify that. Huer gets Theontwiki to make what repairs they can to the shield’s computer. Ah, so. Here’s where Twiki gets to show he’s useful! Uh, right.
Back on board Zarina’s ship, Buck is introducing himself to Ken and trying to lay the groundwork for some sort of escape plan. Um, okay. In walks Ardala. Buck asks if she’s all right, as she’s unusually quiet. Uh, Buck, this is the woman who tried to take over Earth several times, tried to kill as many Terrans as possible, and oh yeah, she just stabbed you in the back! Who gives a damn if she’s okay?! Ardala assures Buck she’s okay. Then she starts sobbing and saying, “Buck I’m not fine. I’m terrible! I’m just TERRIBLE!” Amen, sister. And she collapses into Buck’s arms. Great. She’s a murdering psycho, but all she has to do to get back in Buck’s good graces is to turn into a big soggy mess. Buck, you wimp. |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2007 : 7:58:46 PM
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Now it’s Buck’s turn to get an escort to Zarina’s bedroom. Hmmmmm, why do I think Zarina’s gettin’ all hot in the loins for our Buck? Let’s watch and see.... BINGO! Seriously, what kind of aftershave does Buck wear? I want a couple of hundred bottles of the stuff. Finally, Buck steers the conversation to more urgent matters. He says, “The Pendarans are peaceful people. What could you hope to gain by conquering them?” Um, Buck, last I checked, being “peaceful” didn’t give one immunity from attack. Still, the second part is a valid question. From here, just about any answer would work. Maybe it’s a mineral only found on the planet Zarina is after. Maybe she has a legitimate grudge against the Pendarans. Hey, she’s doesn’t even need a good reason. She could just smile coldly and say, “I’m attacking them because I can." The writers, of course, can be counted on to screw this up completely. Yep, here’s Zarina’s answer: “I don’t have to justify myself to you or anyone!”
Um, actually, Zarina, you do. Or, more accurately, the writers do. Funny thing is, they could’ve tossed Buck’s question, never addressed WHY Zarina’s doing all of this, and gotten away with it. Why is she doing this? Because she’s the villain, and this is a B-movie type series. Don’t ask the question, or ask it then answer it. But you do NOT bring up a question, then just say, “Oh, never mind.” Idiots.
Zarina continues to try and play the seductress. Buck has no trouble spurning her advances. Zarina gets all pissy and orders the guards to take Buck away. She then promises to make Buck her personal slave, “and then you will wish you had diiiiied.” Buck counters, “No, Zarina, then you’ll wish you’d killed me.” Uh, Buck, that’s not the most intelligent thing to say. After all, if she has any brains, Zarina will take your taunt to heart and slit your throat— Never mind. No brains there. Carry on.
After a throwaway shot with Theontwiki and that Pendaran robot working on the shield computer, we go back to the Zaad ship. D’you get the feeling the filmmakers were making it up as they went along? My grandmother used to call shows like this “lunch hour movies.” As in, something you could write up in full while you were waiting for your Whopper value meal at Burger King.
Buck whips up a plan that would be truly pathetic in the real world, but will work here. Seems Ken has more info that Zarina wants (first time we’ve heard mention of this), and Buck will put his plan into action when the guards arrive. Ardala’s in, now that she’s been made a fool of.
We go to another scene at the shield computer, where Twiki and that Pendaran robot are arguing, while Theo tries to play moderator. Oh, the comedy! Thankfully, this doesn’t last long, and we bounce on over to the Draconia. There’s a brief scene where Wilma and Kane start coordinating the attack. Wilma sees Kane has everything under control here (he’s barking orders and acting all pompous), so she heads back down to the surface to get the Earth ships ready. Yeah, all four of them. And we go back to....
GAHHHHH!!! Not Twiki and that other twerp arguing!! Man oh man, how I wish they’d done a crossover episode between Buck Rogers and Doctor Who. Can’t you imagine it? The Daleks come gliding in, take one look at Twiki, yell ”Ex-ter-mi-nate! Ex-ter-mi-nate!!!” and train their photo-negative guns on the little bastard, turning him into a pile of molten slag.
Alas, it is only a dream.
On board the Zaad ship, Spirot (remember him? Sid Haig? Hello?) tells Zarina the sharks are ready to take off. Zarina asks him to bring Ken to her for more torture, if there’s anything left of him. Spirot says, “Of course, Princess, more than enough.” Um, I though Zarina EARNED her position. “Princess?!” Ah, forget it. Sid Haig says the line calmly, gives a nod, and I detected a satisfied grin on his face. (Shudder) Why couldn’t Spirot be the main villain here? He’s a lot more menacing than Zarina could ever be!
The guards enter Our Heroes’ cell, but Our Heroes are hiding on the shelf above the door(!) while Ardala hides under the bunk. Ay yi yi. Okay, here’s a few guidelines for holding prisoners in your EE-vill dungeon:
1. Make sure you can see into the cell at all times.
2. Do not enter the cell if you can’t see the prisoners!
3. Don’t have ANYTHING a prisoner can climb onto ABOVE THE DOOR!!!
Well, true to form, Buck and Ken drop down and knock the guards out. Hey, while we’re talking about this stupid idea of shelves over the door, let’s add this: I buy Buck getting up onto those shelves. One can assume he’s strong and agile enough to climp up there. But Ken? Hasn’t he been tortured? I’d think he wasn’t in peak physical condition. But there he is, climbing up there, then overpowering TWO guards who are supposedly trained to deal with prisoners. Okay, so they knock out the guards and Ardala comes out of hiding. See, she’s the Princess, so she doesn’t know how to fight dirty. Oh, how FUNNY! Har har har. And now, oh yes, they waltz out of there in stolen uniforms, pretending to escort Ardala to a different cell. Gee, where have I seen THIS before?! Oops, they run into a couple of other crewmen, but thankfully, these guys are pretty gullible. While this bit goes on (for about a minute or so of filler), I have to ask, does Buck EVER wear anything, even enemy uniforms, that DOESN’T show chest hair?!
After a brief moment where Zarina and Spirot find out Our Heroes have escaped, Buck and Company make it to the flight deck. Gee, THAT was easy, wasn’t it? Well, the standard goofy firefight ensues, and THIS is where we see that shot of Buck and Ardala crouching down. It wasn’t a black leather jacket she was wearing; it was that blue vinyl thing. Guess my memory played tricks on me. Anyway, Buck tells Ardala to get on board her shuttle and start it up. Of course, Ardala has no idea how to do it: “Princesses don’t fly shuttles.” Oh, crikey! Seriously, what good is Ardala doing them, anyway? She’s done nothing so far to help. Again, this could be made interesting very easily. Why not throw us a surprise? Maybe the writers could show that Ardala’s a pretty decent pilot, or good with a gun, or she’s good at improvising battle tactics. ANYTHING! This is something you can learn in Creative Writing 101, folks. Well, finally, they get on board the shuttle and take off for Pendar.
Zarina’s sleightly miffed that she’s lost her prisoners. She orders the guards who allowed the escape to be executed. Once again, Spirot shows he’s made of tougher stuff, telling her calmly that he’s already given the order. Well, the show has about twelve minutes to go, so I guess it’s time for Zarina to launch that attack.
Back on the surface, Buck is reunited with his fellow Terr— the hell with it! I’m calling them Earthlings. Ken gets to work repairing the shield computer. The Keeper notes that Zarina can still get her fighters and flagship in; the shield is useless until Ken gets it fixed. Another council member adds that the flagship has “72,000 soldiers” on board. Keep this in mind. What ever shall we do?
Never fear! Buck comes up with an idea in three seconds. The Earth fighters and Draconian fighters will hold those sharks off. Then they’ll keep the shield down until the flagship is too close to slow down. Then the good guys will retreat under the shield, Ken will power the shield up, and Zarina’s ship will crash into it.
Blink. Blink.
Wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute! I thought the Pendarans were peaceful! Remember that? No deaths? No killing? And now they’re going to be directly responsible for killing seventy-thousand plus people?? So, which do you think it is? Hypocrisy, or just sorry writing?
Both? I agree.
As they leave to get their plan underway, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for Tim O’Connor. No dialogue here, nothing to do. Sorry, guy, you deserved better.
We cut away for a moment to a couple of shots of Zarina’s fighter ships and her flagship approaching, and Zarina and Spirot on the bridge of her ship, then it’s back to the council room. A quick look at some lame radar showing the Zaad ships coming in, then Ardala asks, um, Tora, I think that’s her name (the one played by Vera Miles, who has had nothing to do here but spout off expo), to patch her through to her ship. Kane is giving a rally-the-troops speech. Oh, brother. Somehow I get the impression that Kenneth Branagh did not look to this scene for inspiration when prepping the St. Crispin’s Day scene in Henry V. But then there’s a genuinely funny moment when Ardala rolls her eyes, butts into Kane’s windbaggery, and tells him to shut up and get them fighters flyin’. Then Ardala tells Vera Miles, “He would talk the Zaads to death.”
Now the Earth fighters and Draconia fighters get lined up. A quick cut back to Theontwiki working with Ken on the shield (and being MUCH too casual about it), and there’s some goofy good-to-be-working-WITH-you business between them, then it’s time to get into the battle! Here come da sharks! Let’s get it on! (Ding ding ding!)
The first shot of the battle getting underway was pretty good. I liked the ships superimposed by the moire patterns of that shield... until I saw a Zaad ship cross in front of a Draconian ship, when it clearly should’ve gone BEHIND it; it made the Zaad ship look tiny. I won’t be TOO hard on this; after all, Return of the Jedi had a goof like this in there. So, the battle scenes, all in all, are pretty decent, and have much better choreography than I saw in the first movie. Only one problem: the battle lasts all of one minute. Seriously! We have about a half dozen ships getting blown outta the sky, and the battle’s over! (There are a couple of brief shots of fighters still goin’ at it later on, but it totals out at ninety seconds, tops.)
Now Buck decides to go above the shield and play chicken with Zarina’s flagship. Zarina orders that all guns fire on Buck. We see, count ’em, three shots fired. Buck avoids the shots easily and calls Zarina, taunting her. Convenient that they have matching frequencies, ain’t it.
(Note: if you are watching this episode at home, do not have any food or drink in your mouth during this scene. The reasons will be obvious in about fifteen seconds.)
Zarina’s really got her panties in a wad now. She goes into full Gloria Swanson mode and gives what may well be the best line in this whole series:
“Mount... the Mega-Cannon!”
DAAAAAAAHH-HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!
[Management: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the continued interruptions. We now fast-forward you ten minutes ahead, while our erstwhile reviewer gets it out of his system. We will assume you don’t actually want to see a guy who looks like an overweight Rick Moranis rollling around on the floor laughing like a maniac for ten minutes.]
Okay, that’s better. (snicker) “Mega-Cannon.” (snicker) (snort) (long pause) DAAAAAHH-HA HA HA HA HA—
[Management: Sigh. Another interruption. Sorry about this, folks, it won’t happen again. We have Louie the Henchman standing by with a firehose. If our reviewer doesn’t stop all this silliness, we’re going to hose him down. Ah, it seems our reviewer is finally ready to continue.]
Okay, thanks, I needed that. Say, doesn’t that sound like a title for a porno movie? “Jack Horner Productions presents Dirk Diggler in Mount the Mega-Cannon!”
[Management: Okay, Brad, that’s enough! Get back on topic, NOW!!!]
Okay, okay, put that firehose away, Louie, I’ll be good.
Amazingly, Spirot does not say, “No, not the Mega-Cannon!” (snicker) No, he gives a reason for not using that thing: it’s kinda like using an ICBM to take down one F-14. Spirot is clearly angry at Zarina for barking out such a stupid order. Once again, I ask, why couldn’t Spirot be the villain here?! But Zarina is having none of this. No, she wants as much overkill as possible (and I’m not even talking about Newmar’s performance!).
Buck calls back down to the surface to learn that the shield is ready to go online (he’s lucky Zarina didn’t intercept that message). He tells Ken to hold off, wait for his signal.
Buck heads for the shield, while a bolt from the mega, uh, thingy (if I say it, I may start laughing again, and Louie is givin’ me the evil eye) shoots after him. Some big gun: the shot is barely visible. On the bridge, Zarina orders Spirot to open fire... after that bolt has been shown going after Buck.
Buck flies through the hole in the shield, which closes up, leaving that bolt to blow up harmlessly on its surface. Zarina and Spirot spell it out for us dorks: the shield has closed up. Oh, re-e-e-eally? Zarina orders Spirot to retreat, and Spirot says, “We’re going too FAST!!!” He’s clearly furious at the stupidity of his great leader. They did this gag again ten years later, much more effectively, in The Hunt for Red October, with a much better punchline: “You arrogant ass! You’ve killed US!!!”
Now, remember, Zarina is a battle-hardened warrior queen, who has “earned” her position. And what does this ruthless conqueror, this feared attacker, this War Witch do when she realizes her number is up? She squeals like a four-year-old girl!!!
And the flagship hits the shield. We hear a standard explosion sound, see the ship hit, and then there’s a flash that lasts maybe a quarter second.... And we cut to the next scene.
Well, that sucked!
Now we’re back in the council room. The Earthlings and the Draconians are kickin’ back and having champagne with the Pendarans. Um, personally, I’d remember that one of these nations had been our bitter enemies up till a few hours ago, and the other had strong-armed us into doing their dirty work. I wouldn’t want to go within a mile of either of them.
Awwwwwww, look. Twiki and that Pendaran robot have patched up their differences and become friends! Pardon me while I go vomit.
[Management: We’ll let you go this time, Brad, as we don’t blame you. Just hurry back. We’ll fill in for Brad and inform our readers that Twiki’s farewell handshake scene with that robot is particularly lame, adding another two weak bidi bidi’s from Twiki to the tally. Oh, and Theo doesn’t say a word. Smart clock face.]
Okay, I’m back. So, the Keeper beams in, gives a few empty words of way to-go, and beams out. Good riddance. Oh, how sweeeeet. Ken and Barbie are together again. Don’t worry, I think I can hold my dessert down long enough to finish this review. Anyhoo, Buck says good-bye to Ardala, hoping next time they meet it won’t be as enemies. Speak for yourself, Buck: the bimbo did nothing to help you. If it were Kane they were calling a truce with, I might buy it. Wilma and Huer have nothing to do here, they just tag along. I can’t feel TOO sorry for Tim O’Connor; he still had the single best bit of dialogue in the episode (and counting the episode “A Dream of Jennifer”, he had the two best bits of dialogue in the whole series), and he played it very well.
As Buck and Company file out, the Pendaran robot glides in, wondering, “What does ‘bidi bidi’ mean?!”
Thud.
I actually chuckled at this. Ladies and gentlemen, a FUNNY Twiki joke!
And Twiki was the butt of the joke, not the teller. How fitting.
At last, we see six Earth fighter ships heading for Earth, having come back through the black hole. Ahem. Six? There were only four ships, at most, going out. Okay, I won’t dwell on it, especially since we’re about ten seconds from going to the credits. Twiki says, “Now THERE’s a sight for sore eyes!” when he sees Earth. Obvious, but he has a point. Hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Then we get the ending used for just about every episode in the whole series: a freeze-frame of Buck laughing and grinning like an idiot for the camera.
Oh, but there’s one last bit of torture. Since the episode, even with all its filler, was running a little short, they slowed down the final credits. And instead of the standard instrumental theme, we’re treated to the original vocal version of.... that song. Thanks guys. Thanks a fat lot.
And with that, the episode and the first season come to an end. |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 09/26/2007 : 8:01:21 PM
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Afterthoughts
Whew! I didn’t list every single banality in this episode. That’s right; it’s worse than I made it out to be. Not much left, really, to say about “Flight of the War Witch.” Let’s see. Some good ideas, all of them thrown away by awful dialogue, characters, careless direction, and mostly mediocre-to-laughable acting. Same as the first movie, really, except that this episode carries the unmistakable stench of the writers’ contempt for their viewers. It doesn’t matter if it’s a theatrical feature or a TV movie; this is the perfect formula for making sure your story is all kinds of FUBAR.
I do have a couple of observations of the series as a whole.
Several years go, I read an interview — I don’t remember if it was a cast member or producer — in which the subject boasted how Buck Rogers was empowering to women, seeing that we saw several females in charge, including Wilma Deering. That statement probably sounded laughable back then, and it’s a real howler now. Yes, Wilma was the leader of the space force, and yes, we often saw women in powerful positions. But consider this: just about every single woman under 40 in this show seemed to melt whenever she laid eyes on Buck. And I do mean ALL of ’em. The only time that a young lady didn’t have the hots for Our Hero was when she needed to rescue her fiancé (never her husband, always her fiancé) from the clutches of some evildoer. This was a problem that plagued nearly every episode of Buck Rogers, even “A Dream of Jennifer”, arguably the best of this sorry lot. The two exceptions to this were one of that faux rock group in “Space Rockers” (and she was a member of a trio, not a self contained character) and the main guest star in “Unchained Woman.” Of course, that character was also looking to hook up with her boyfriend, but after he turned on her, she didn’t rush into Buck’s arms. While they’re friends at the end of the episode, it’s obvious they’re not gonna go hooking up anytime soon. The actress playing this part? Jamie Lee Curtis. For whatever reason, she got a somewhat decent role to play. Or maybe she made it a decent role; she was one of the best actors to guest star in this series.
As for the women-in-power role, it’s a wash. Wilma doesn’t work. She started out as bitchy, ballsy, and badly acted. Over time, Erin Gray found a comfort level and managed to make Wilma halfway believable. But by the time the season finale rolled around, Colonal Deering had turned into a big weepy mess. Ick. Most other women in power ended up being villains, and ineffectual ones at that. Ardala and Zarina are the worst. Both are ruthless sociopaths, who would be incredibly dangerous... if they had half a brain between them. Get down to it, and they’re both complete fools. The competent villains turned out to be their male henchmen. No, Buck Rogers will not be on the must-see list of any feminists.
Keep in mind that the following is taken secondhand, or from twenty year-old memories of watching re-runs. I don’t intend to rent any of the second season; I suspect my memory, and what I’ve heard, are accurate enough.
Buck Rogers had been pretty popular in its first season. So, of course, some studio exec tried screwing with the formula for the second season. Buck, Wilma, and Twiki were sent on a starship to look for “the seven lost tribes of Earth”. Ardala and Kane never made another appearance. Theo was gone. No problem there, except that Twiki was carried over into the second season, never mind that he was originally supposed to be Theo’s transport. Unfortunately, Huer was also gone, meaning the series lost what might have been its single best character and regular actor. In the thread covering the original movie, Terrahawk made a reference to this second season as “Star Trek Lite.” That’s a perfect description of it (from my memories of seeing a couple of episodes). Only thing is, Star Trek, for all its problems, remains a classic series. It hasn’t aged all that well, but its best episodes are still pretty impressive. Star Trek had three things Buck Rogers didn’t: its makers wanted to make a good TV show, not just a quick buck, it had a competent writing staff, and it wasn’t afraid to get dark when it had to. (If you want a perfect comparison, go watch “Spock’s Brain,” almost unanimously considered the worst Star Trek episode. It’s still better than 90% of what Buck Rogers had to offer.)
Oh, one more thing. For the second season, Glen Larson was pushed out. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but his departure actually hurt the show.
The whole thing collapsed. The ratings plummeted, and the execs at NBC pulled the plug before the season was halfway through. About a year later, audiences were able to see E. T., Tron, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, The Thing, and Blade Runner in the theaters, and they got a reminder of what sci-fi could look like when done right. (Yeah, I’m including Tron in there; all things considered, it works pretty well, and it was an honest-to-God landmark in the history of computer animation.)
By that time, Buck Rogers was long dead. It had sputtered, fizzled, and winked out. A fitting end, yes?
Statistics
Number of people killed by the “pacifistic” Pendarans: 72,000.
Number of Twiki bidi bidi’s: at least 25
Average time between bidi bidi’s: 3 minutes, 48 seconds (note that this is over the entire show’s length, not just Twiki’s on-screen time)
Number of non-lame Twiki remarks: 2
Number of FUNNY Twiki jokes: 1
Number told by Twiki himself: 0
And finally, because I can....
Immortal Dialogue
Zarina: Mount... the Mega-Cannon!!!
DAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!
[Management: All right, that does it! Drench ’im, Louie!!!]
WHOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!! |
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Greenhornet
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1791 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2007 : 1:53:27 PM
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Ah, thatnk you Brad. This review brings back memories. Sad ones, but memories non the less.
I say "sad" because like you, I wasn't too impressed by the (hock, SPIT!) "peacefull" Pendarans. Not only were they self-rightous neo-Liberals, (Of the FUTURE!...Future!...future....) but that whole "we don't KILL our enemies, we only sentence them to a living hell" thing set off a huge warning bell for me. After they started to lie to and blackmail the visitors, I started rewriting the script in my mind.
In my version, the Pendarans (In order to protect themselves) had pretty much wrecked the Zaad's planet, leaving only the princess' battlecruiser and a few Battlestr Galactica refugees (Why else would a people who conqured whole planets use only ONE warship?). Unfortunatly for the Pendarans, they had used up all they had and could now only hide behind the shield. Zarina kind of went insane because of this (Newmar kind of gave that impression to me) and went "Capt. Ahab" on their enemies. (
That's as far as I got years ago. I just came up with an ending)
Ardala learns all this when she goes to have that "little talk" with Zarina and throws in with her for the promass of loot and glory. The "Earthers" either have to join or be held "in protective coustody" untill the battle is over.
Once the planet is taken, Zarina confronts the Pendaran councel, who rail at her for her crimes. In turn she throws it back in their faces, laying out the whole dirty, holier-than-Pope attitude the Pendarans have, listing all the crimes the episodes showed but did nothing with. She then goes on to admit how she had PERSONALLY robbed, tortured and murdered in order to defeat the Pendarans and keep her people alive. She turns the planet over to Pricess Ardala and Buck's gang before announcing that they're going to rejoin their people.
That would have been a kick-ass twist!
PS: WHY did they need the "Tweeki" robots to carry around the soap-on-a-rope guys? Couldn't they have COMBINED the two? I guess the Reecees Cup chocolate-in-peanutbutter/peanutbutter-on-chocolate technology had been lost durring the nucular war.
"The Queen is testing poisons." CLEOPATRA, 1935 |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2007 : 6:23:46 PM
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I like your rewrite, Greenhornet. That final twist was kinda neat.
Gots to be competitive. Here's my rewrite. It has a lot of holes in it, but it's better than what we got.
It is established early on that the Pendarans' version of the Golden Rule is "A deal is a deal, no matter what." Buck senses that the Keeper might try and screw the Earthlings after we help them, so he makes sure to lay out the terms: We get Kodus (Ken-doll) back and repair the shield, after which you give us everything we need to get home, immediately. The Keeper shakes on it, in front of others.
After Ardala's little tete-a-tete with Zarina, she comes back into the cell, sees her reflection, and runs to the toilet to throw up, realizing that Zarina is what she'd aspired to be, and Zarina is now a complete monster. When Buck confronts Zarina, she lays out her reasons for hating the Pendarans, and they turn out to be pretty good ones (most of them center around all the crap the Pendarans have done, but don't have to answer for in the show). But in the end, Zarina has gone way too far, turning into a morph between Osama Bin Laden and the evil Queen from Snow White.
Ardala hasn't converted to good completely, but she's with Buck now. They make their escape, but Zarina's guards block Ardala's shuttle. Ardala's not a good pilot, but she's a mean shot, so she takes a rifle and covers Buck and Kodus as they run for it. She then makes a break for the ship, but is shot and mortally wounded as she gets on board. After they get away, Ardala tells Buck she has an idea of what kind of person she should be, but she doesn't have it in her to be that person. At least she was able to commit one decent act. And there's your twist: Ardala, the former villain, ends up dying to save Buck and Kodus, along with the Pendarans.
Kane rallies the troops with a St. Crispin's Day type speech that actually DOES work. Buck and the Draconians go in and fight off the Zaad fighters, but it's mostly a diversion: they're mainly slowing them down until the shield is repaired.
At long last, the shield comes online. Buck and the others make a run for it. Zarina, seeing the shield is up and running, has no choice but to give a disgusted sigh and retreat. Let's see, why don't we throw in a hint that Spirot doesn't like having to kowtow to Zarina, and give some evidence that Zarina's own career may be in trouble after this defeat.
Buck isn't the least bit surprised when the Keeper tries to twist the Earthlings' and Draconians' arm into staying and defending Pendar. Zarina could always return and find some other way to get them. Buck reminds the Keeper, and everyone else, that they made a deal. The Keeper is forced to let them go and give them a way back home. His reluctance to honor a deal causes a lot of rustling among his people: the Keeper is a more subtle version of Zarina, and he could also be in deep doo-doo after this.
Before the Earthlings and the Draconians part company, Kane takes Buck aside. They agree that Ardala's last act was a heroic one, and they hope that the next time they meet, it won't be as enemies.
Oh, regarding your question, why does Theo need Twiki to cart him around? C'mon, guy, isn't it obvious? Bidi bidi bidi bidi It's In The Script! |
Edited by - BradH812 on 09/27/2007 7:22:54 PM |
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Greenhornet
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1791 Posts |
Posted - 09/29/2007 : 08:50:16 AM
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If I had REAL talent, that's what I would hve come up with!
I like your version, Brad. I can just picture Zarina screaming "Get them! Get them!" as Buck almost suckers them into the shields and Spirot countermanding the order. Zarina freaks out and he has to point out the ovious: that her orders would have ment certain death. She slumps into a chair and gasps something we don't quite make out. Spirot asks her to repeat it and she says "You're in command now, Spirot" before slowly walking out with her "tail" dragging, trying desperatly to hold onto her dignaty.
I had to re-start reading your reply because after: quote:
After Ardala's little tete-a-tete with Zarina, she comes back into the cell, sees her reflection, and runs to the toilet to throw up,
Louie had to turn the fire hose on me!
"The Queen is testing poisons." CLEOPATRA, 1935 |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2007 : 9:17:40 PM
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Don't sell yourself short, Greenhornet, your version wasn't half bad. I liked your little addition, having Zarina slump in defeat.
That fire hose sure cools ya off, don't it? |
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Bidi bidi bidi bidi I'm BA-ACK!
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