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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
 Posted - 02/26/2009 : 8:56:47 PM
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(Foreward: Why the hell am I posting this now? Good question. I don't think anyone was clamoring for a follow-up to last year's novella about my experiences at my first T-Fest.
I wrote most of this in the week following last year's Fest, and then saw that two others had posted their insights up on the board proper. I recall thinking that their coverage was just dandy and that I didn't need to be bringing down their contributions by tossing my crap out there with them. So I saved it and then forgot about it.
Earlier this week I went back through the board archives as I do, rereading some favorite things, and saw the posts about T-Fest. It's only a few months away, and I remembered I'd written something for it. I decided, what the hell. I finished it up, tossed in a couple of jokes that came to me, and am now burdening you all with it.
You're welcome.
Without further adieu, here we go...)
In the Beginning
In 2007, I went to my first T-Fest, and I had an absolute blast. It took me back, back to a time years ago when I was living in Omaha, and had access to the beloved Dundee Theater, whose riotous midnight movie gatherings occupied many a weekend night for myself and my friends. I met many wonderful people (Messrs. Begg, Williams, Holland, Magyar, and Petersen; Lawyer Chris, Kirk & Patty, Guy, Chad R., the Millipede Mama and everyone else whose name I shamefully forget), saw many horrible movies, and after a long (yet somehow not long enough) day I left in a haze of tired joy and that odd buzzing that really bad movies will leave you with sometimes. While I didn’t get to spend time chatting with everyone I wanted to, it was still great to meet these people I “see” online day after day.
The next day, I was already looking forward to the summer of 2008 when we’d do it all again. What a long wait that was...I swear that was the longest year of my life (for many reasons, this one included).
Finally, the end of July 2008 rolled around, and with it came the Fest.
I have even less to talk about prior to the Fest than last time. We had moved in September of 2007 to a location that was so close to the location for the Fest that I could’ve easily walked there had I needed to. My eagerness got ahead of me and I beat everyone there, which of course left me paranoid that it had moved or been cancelled and I hadn’t been told. The security guard asking me what I was doing there, and not knowing what the hell I was talking about, did not help things. I was relieved to see Mr. Petersen, Mr. Begg, and a host of others several agonizing minutes later. Before long I found Lawyer Chris (aka Husker Ku) and quickly caught up with him. I gave my hellos to all and sundry (feeling rather more sadness than was warranted when Mr. Begg didn’t remember me at first), said hi to Chad R., aka Chad 1 (the Chads having decided to differentiate themselves as Chad 1 and Chad A, thus keeping them from being seen as unequal) and had the honor of meeting his lovely companion Stephanie, who had agreed to come along and experience the wonder of T-Fest.
I’ll touch on the shorts we got during the day first. Someone played an interesting little film about a woman fighting against giant spiders in her home. I later found out it was on the Eight-Legged Freaks DVD; I’m guessing the guy who made the movie made this first. We also got a few animated Soviet propaganda shorts. Apparently there’s a whole collection of these things out on DVD, and I think I may have to get a copy, because these things are so bizarre. One of them has (I think) fat, half-naked capitalists doing stuff (the animation’s very interesting though), and another has a dog come up from the slums to fame, fortune, and clothes bought at the same place Mr. Monopoly gets his. I think the dog even ended up in Congress. I don’t know how this is supposed to be a discouragement of capitalism, though. Maybe I missed something. Another was about Communists going to the moon. The artwork was pretty good in all of these, but the point of them mostly flew over my head. I’d love to sit down with this DVD and try to figure them out.
All right, on to the movies...and what a corker to start things off...
Eternal Evil of Asia
Crazy in that way only Hong Kong can do, this movie is relentless in its desire to entertain the audience. After a man is driven to murder, then suicide, by a pack of ghosts apparently under the command of a mysterious stranger you just KNOW is going to be popping up again, his three friends gather to piece together what happened. The one we’ll be spending the most time with is apparently suffering from impotence, following a trip to Thailand that none of them want to talk about. His girlfriend suspects the worst, but really has no idea just what “the worst” is. After another of the group is sent on a deadly eating spree, it is revealed that, while in Thailand, they met a sorcerer who they proceeded to help in a duel with rival sorcerers. He became their friend, but his young and lovely sister decided she wanted the main character for her lover, and convinced her brother to create a love charm. It was inadvertantly opened by the three friends, and they had a four-way with the sister. After the spell wore off, the sister went berserk (but was not Herculean), and ended up accidentally getting killed. Naturally the wizard blames all four of them, and has come for revenge. He soon finds something else he wants–namely, the hero’s girlfriend. He tries to concentrate on his vengeance, but the ghosts he commands have other ideas. Meanwhile, a young woman with her own magic abilities shows up to help our friends defeat the sorcerer before his power gets too great and he becomes the title, telling them that their powerful foe can only be defeated if he is seriously distracted–say, while in the throes of orgasm...
It would be foolish to try and describe everything in this movie, because so much happens in it. During the sorcerers’ duel, we get a guy who’s been turned into a literal dickhead after calling the sorcerer that very name choking himself (think about it) after two sorcerers go into a flying 69 as their ultimate magical technique against their opponent. A guy eats his own damn arm, down to the bone. The first victim keeps popping up to taunt his friends, still carrying around the fluorescent lights he was impaled with after taking a header through a greenhouse roof. And I’m not even going to tell you how the sorcerer decides to make his move on the heroine...but I will say that if you like taut, naked Asian man ass, you should be sated during the, er, climactic scenes.
I simply adore this sort of thing. Films like this, The Seventh Curse, A Chinese Ghost Story, and more are the very definition of “one damn thing after another.” Between their pace and the amount of stuff happening in them, it’s almost impossible to get bored; and although some of this particular movie’s pretty tasteless, the presentation as a whole is such that it’s hard to be offended because it’s clearly not meant in an entirely serious manner (the sorcerer battle is proof of this; it’s pretty much softcore slapstick.) Not nearly as gory as most HK films of this type, but there’s quite a bit more sex and nudity to compensate. I don’t know what the couple of women who attended thought of this, but the men all seemed to enjoy themselves. Weird, huh?
If you dig Hong Kong cinema you’ll probably enjoy this one a lot. If not, proceed with caution. Definitely not a family film, but in the right crowd, you would have a really fun night with this.
The Harrad Experiment
You can find Mr. Begg’s typically excellent deconstruction of this movie on the main site, so I won’t bother much with the plot here.
*snort*
“Plot.” That’s hilarious.
Someone called it “hippies sitting around talking for six hours” and that’s pretty much it. And it SUCKS. Ye gods. Not even the nicely natural naked chicks could save it. Frankly, 69ing sorcerers couldn’t have saved it after the Ace Trucking Company killed all joy in my life with their horrifying anti-comedy. Having done improv myself, I know it’s not easy to come up with consistently funny material in that setting. That does not excuse a group who manage to avoid being funny like the Wicked Witch of the West avoided pool parties, though.
The only points of interest were the fat guy with the cape who tried to buy the main female character for $50 and his cape, and seeing just how young and painfully skinny Don Johnson used to be. Kate Moss would’ve told him to eat a damn sandwich already. And, of course, the infamous “Zoom!”
We got our first running jokes from this one. Someone (I think Mr. Begg) kept following up descriptions of what people did for a living with “And a streetwalker!” in reference to a non-joke Fred Willard told. (If I recall correctly, he described someone he knew as “a shot-putter, and a streetwalker.”) We also had every cape greeted with variations on the phrase, “That and $50 will buy him a girl.”
That’s another one off the List of Jabootu for me, and man I hope I never see it again. I’d rather watch anything that’s not Funky Forest* again than this. Do not watch this except in a festival or bad movie night-type setting.
*Yes, it still hurts. At one point the Chads regaled a few young students of Mr. Petersen’s with the horror that movie caused, and when they showed interest began pleading with them to resist, no matter what, lest they risk suffering undreamt of. |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 02/26/2009 9:10:48 PM
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2009 : 8:59:24 PM
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From Hell It Came
Again, Mr. Begg pretty much said it all in regards to this movie’s plot, so I’ll spare you.
I love me some monster movies, no matter how goofy the monster. And this one’s a dandy, lemmetellya. The costume for the Tabanga was obviously not conducive to movement, leading to lots of people pretty much having to stand around and let the monster catch them. I mean, c’mon, an asthmatic, obese drunkard with a gimpy knee could’ve outpaced this thing. The acting’s mostly terrible, and I know Mr. Begg brought it up in his review, but damn that woman’s “Australian” accent is such an atrocity that the Geneva Convention should’ve intervened on everyone’s behalf. This one was a lot of fun, and man did the puns fly. Every possible word related to trees was used at least once. One glorious moment near the first appearance of the monster was greeted with a rapid-fire barrage from about half a dozen attendees, which I am proud to say I capped off with, “Well, you know his bark’s worse than his bite.” I actually got a groan from Mr. Begg. I take a lot of pride in that, even though I think he included that joke in his own review, the hypocrite.
I think everyone should see this one at least once, just because the monster scenes are absolutely hilarious. The rest drags, and that woman’s accent is physically painful, but oh that Tabanga...
The Witch’s Curse
This thing was almost as insane as Eternal Evil of Asia. Not quite as much fun, though.
I thought we were watching some short film included on the DVD before the actual movie began at first. I mean, what the hell do Puritans (or whoever these people are) have to do with peplum? A witch gets charbroiled and curses the town–standard thing in these situations. A century later women start going mad and getting tossed in the asylum, and a new witch (or a descendant of the original, or something) is blamed and they lock her up, clearly planning to give her the same treatment they did the last witch. This whole scenario goes on for a while, so you understand my confusion as to what we were actually watching. Just as the poor girl’s about to be killed, freakin’ Maciste rides up, with his oiled-up, muscular body barely contained in his little toga, and asks what’s going on. The best part of all this is that not one single person seems in the least perturbed by the appearance of this greasy, barely-clad muscleman. Seriously, they’re all like, “Oh hey, Maciste, how’s things? Yeah, we’re about to barbeque another witch. You know how it is. Wanna watch?” Being Maciste, naturally he’s not down with this, and he saves the girl. The girl still seems condemned though, so I’m not sure what good Maciste did here, other than delaying the inevitable. Eventually, Maciste finds out about the old witch and her curse, and decides he’s going to take care of her once and for all. Luckily for him, a big dead tree near the witch’s grave conveniently has a portal to Hell under it, and all he has to do is spend several minutes straining and groaning until he finally tips it over and reveals the smoking hole to Hades.
We occasionally get some glimpses of the Puritans talking about how Maciste better hurry, and the girl’s family being all sad about her future position as a human flambee, and I think some older guy takes pity on her and tries to help her too, but honestly who gives a crap? Maciste’s in Hell, ferchrissakes! He’s got illusions and falling rocks and gravity (he falls down a hill at some point for no apparent reason) and a caveman or ogre or some damn thing to deal with The witch tries to wipe his memory and make him forget his mission and stay in Hell with her (because the bad women always fall for the hero in these things), but mostly she stands around jawing with some jackass who might be the Devil, or maybe her shift manager, who keeps warning her to do her job and stop mooning after Maciste. The high point is where Maciste has to survive a goddamn CATTLE STAMPEDE. I swear. A herd of longhorns comes tromping through Hell right at the hero. Sadly, this then becomes the low point of the movie, because Maciste herds them away from him, and more than one of them goes falling down a ramp into a pit or something, and they were probably all right but I don’t like this sort of thing anyway. Eventually Maciste kisses the witch, and she dies. Again, I guess, although since she’s in Hell I’m not sure how. (I had visions of her popping up in Hell again at the end and asking, as Saddam Hussein once did, “Where was I gonna go? Detroit?”) Everything ends happily ever after, and Maciste rides off again. Maybe he pops up in the American Revolution or something in the next movie. Or maybe the first manned mission to the moon finds him there, just in time to fight off the Moon Men before they can invade earth.
Holy cow, someone get me a budget!
The stuff with Maciste in the Underworld is pretty fun for the most part, but the movie can’t sustain its energy and it starts to drag after a while. It certainly wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, not even at this one Fest; there was some genuinely inspired nuttiness in this. I think we’d have really had something here if they had trimmed most of the Puritan stuff. Not all of it, because that part with him riding up to them is one of the most glorious “WTF!?” moments in movie history. The DVD we had was a washed-out transfer, which made it a little hard to watch. If we get a good DVD release of this, I think I’d recommend picking it up.
Intermission
At this point, it was off to dinner. We went down the street to Red Hot and Blue. I hadn’t been to this location, but I’d been to one nearby and had not been impressed, so I was a little wary about this being our selection. Happily, I made out much better this go-round. I had some tasty smoked buffalo wings and a very delicious “Cajun” hamburger that had fried onion strings, some kind of remoulade, and all the trimmings. A little greasy but very very good. I chatted with Guy, Chad 1 and Stephanie (who was as charming as she was lovely), and to a lesser extent Mary (I think she said she was new to the site; I don’t remember her handle, sorry) and Mr. Petersen. Someday, I am going to have a chance to sit down and really chat with Mr. Begg, but this was not that chance. Probably when I finally make it up to a B-Fest and have more than a day to do so.
As we prepared to leave (amidst many glances at this conglomeration of people of all shapes and sizes from everyone else in the place), it turned out a gentleman named Jeff (a friend of Mr. Begg’s, if I understand correctly) was picking up the tab for every single one of us. This level of generosity was almost absurd, but very much appreciated, and even though I thanked him personally, I’ll do so again here: Thank you very much, sir. |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 03/07/2009 10:01:10 PM |
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2009 : 9:00:53 PM
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Big Meat Eater
I’m glad I didn’t know what this was beforehand. The title made it sound like a monster movie, maybe about a giant flesh-eating plant. If someone had said it was like The Rocky Horror Picture Show as done by Canadians I don’t know if I’d have stuck around to see it. And I would have missed out, because despite being a low-budget musical it’s not much like Rocky Horror. I can’t call it good by any means, but there’s definitely some entertaining things to behold in this.
We start with a small-town butcher singing a merry song about how great everything is, more or less. Meanwhile, at city hall, the mayor decides he needs to fire the janitor, and sends one of his mob buddies down to do so. We can tell they’re in the mob because they have goofy “goombah” accents, suits and fedoras. I think the janitor’s name is Abdullah or Abdul, but it doesn’t really matter because, despite his occasional donning of a fez, no one’s going to be fooled. This “Arab” is a HUGE black man who doesn’t talk, he only grunts and growls. (Except when he breaks out into song, where we find out he’s got a deep, smoky voice that was reminiscent of B.B. King and the like.) He accepts his firing very poorly, stuffing the mob goon into the furnace before singing his way out of the place.
Meanwhile, some super-intelligent teenager’s trying to build a flying car that can go into space, and some aliens (in the funniest part of the movie, these are portrayed by very obvious–and very cute–wind-up toys) bring their flying saucer down to harvest some radioactive material under the butcher shop. Apparently he dumps his scraps down a trap door, and over the years it’s fermented and compressed and become some sore of nuclear fuel-type substance. I have no idea how. The aliens want to harvest it and use it to power an invading fleet, which will land at the new project the mayor is going to build, which is really going to be a staging platform.
I can’t really describe the plot in any meaningful way, because it’s all over the place. Abdul gets a job at the butcher shop, and ends up killing more people and dumping them in the trapdoor. There’s more singing. Someone gets mutated for a while, but later they’re OK again. The aliens continue to be cute. Eventually the flying car helps bring down the aliens, who crash and blow up and take out most of the town, although most of the cast survives. Finally, we get the butcher singing his song again, although now he’s skipping around the devastated town, which is pretty funny.
There’s some clever nods to old cheap-o sci-fi films, and some good jokes. Still, it’s not always easy to keep up with what’s going on, or why, because so much is happening. The acting’s pretty much all bad, none of it makes sense, and I think I enjoyed it more than was warranted, just because it was so unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Definite points for concept, if not always for execution. I have to recommend it just because it’s so unique; it definitely needs to be seen at least once.
War in Space
I’d heard of this one; it’s a Toho movie sans giant monsters. Oddly enough, there’s never a war in space, although there’s a couple of skirmishes on Venus. I guess that’s close enough. I have a feeling the makers were inspired by Star Wars, but didn’t really have any idea how to make a like film, and just went for broke.
Anyway, aliens are invading again, and only the Japanese super military group G-Grasper or the Science Patrol or whoever it is this week can stop them. There’s a lot of talk about “Jimmy,” and about how much help he’ll be. There’s so much mention of him that it became a very obvious running joke, what with everyone blurting out about how great Jimmy is and how awesome it’ll be when he gets there. Eventually he shows up, and he’s a reedy redheaded white guy who does not seem that great, but by this point you’ve bought the hype and all you can do is scream, “JIMMY!!! He’s finally here!! Kick some alien ass, Jimmy!!” The humans fly a big, intergalactic version of the Atragon to Venus to fight the aliens after they kidnap the love interest of Jimmy and the main character (yes, another love triangle in a Japanese sci-fi film, go figure) for whatever reason. This leads to a boastful transmission from the alien leader which includes one of the greatest shots in movie history: the love interest, tied up and for some reason dressed by the aliens in a leather halter top, hot pants and boots (not that I am complaining), and being guarded by someone in a Wookie costume with obviously plastic yellow horns slapped on it (we dubbed it the “Wookietaur.”) At this point the movie becomes a lot more interesting, and we get lots of drama and the humans landing on Venus in a tricked-out Winnebago and a suicide run by Jimmy (conveniently clearing up the love triangle) that takes out the alien shield generator and a battle against an alien warship that looks like an old Roman galley (the lead alien wear a toga too.) There’s also a fight against the Wookietaur (despite his size and big plastic axe he’s really a pushover) and the heroine stays in that leather fetish outfit for a while and there’s lasers and explosions...whew!
My big laugh this year came during War in Space. At one point, one of the ships comes out of a huge cloud bank in the Venusian sky, and I screamed out in my best (which, in all modesty, is pretty damn good) Brian Blessed voice, “HAWKMEN!!!! DEEE-IIIIIIIIVE!!!!!” The fact that I am part of a community in which I can make a Flash Gordon reference and have the people around me not only get the reference, but laugh uproariously at it, fills me with so much giddy glee that it’s ridiculous.
Definitely see this one, and just be patient until the heroine gets kidnapped, because that’s when things pick up. |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 03/19/2009 8:39:09 PM |
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2009 : 9:12:43 PM
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Samurai Cop
This was the make-or-break film this year. It couldn’t possibly top last year’s, but not for a lack of trying.
It’s your typical “rogue cop trying to take out drug gang by killing lots of people and never having to deal with the consequences ‘cause he’s the good guy” type movie, only really really bad. The acting, the cinematography, the hair...I have to admit, that was a hell of a head of hair the lead had. Well, when it wasn’t an obvious wig (methinks we filmed some of this stuff long after he’d cut his hair, me does). In order to justify the title, he occasionally fights with a katana. Oh, and he’s actually named “Samurai.” Nice job, Mr. Screenwriter. No, really, I mean it. Really.
I know I’m not giving much plot here, but honestly that sentence above pretty much covers it. What a mess! Phony squibs, people teleporting around, skinny palm trees somehow providing excellent cover against gunfire, guns changing their appearance, resurrected dead guys (read: reusing the extras and hoping we wouldn’t notice), large fake breasts being flashed...this thing was just atrocious. I was actually relieved when Robert Z’dar’s gigantor cranium showed up as the head thug for the gang. He’s the only decent actor in this thing, and being surrounded by people who are suck personified makes him look like freakin’ Portier. Interestingly, he had a thick beard which covered up his massive jaw in this, something I’ve never seen him do before. He had a goofy little “samurai” ponytail too. He also decided to show up, lying in bed with the skanky chick of the gang, in his underwear. As did the hero. Yeek. Thanks movie.
If Mr. Begg’s not considering this for review, he should. I think that should tell you all you need to know.
King Dinosaur
When I realized what this was, I was tempted to leave. Not because I didn’t want to see it, but because I knew this was one of those movies with lizards “wrestling” for our “enjoyment.” I was unhappy about cows falling down; you can imagine what I thought of this. I stayed and watched it all, and the parts that aren’t lizards killing each other are cheesy fun, but damn does “nose-wrestling” (he said, bowing to the illustrious Ms. Lyz Kingsley) knock the fun out of you. To the credit of my festmates, they were not happy about it either; the comments, for the only time that day, petered out as the scene played out.
Once more, Mr. Begg’s picked this one apart, so I won’t rehash the plot. The honey bear’s pretty cute, but I don’t think I’d spend that much time hanging out with it. (Real coatimundis are smelly, for one thing. I’ve heard they’re kind of mean too, although I’ve never been close enough to one to find out.) The giant cricket (what did Mr. Petersen call it? A Jerusalem cricket?) and the big armadillo are kind of fun in that Bert I. Gordon way (i.e. see-through), and the guy fighting the stuffed alligator and pretending the python’s a huge threat are pretty great. Unfortunately, the plot’s thin, the acting’s nothing special, and there’s that lizard thing. I will say that the second fight, between the iguana...oh, I’m sorry,“T-Rex”...and what appeared to be some sort of monitor lizard was actually kind of fun, because it was obvious the lizards weren’t going to play this game, and they pretty much spent their screentime running away from (and over) each other. Not that it made up for the alligator pretty much killing the iguana (before suddenly losing the fight in a fashion that would embarrass a pro wrestling fan...and I choose to believe the ‘gator’s just lying there because it got flipped on its back, and not because they hurt it in any way.) That last line about “bringing civilization to Planet Nova” after they blow the island of giant lizards to kingdom come is a howler of the highest order.
And with that, another T-Fest sadly came to a close. I said my goodbyes to everyone, got in my car, and was easily the first one home and in bed (well, except for those who left earlier in the day to make their drives home...hope to see you next year, Mary and L.C.)
Once again, to everyone who made this Fest possible, thank you so much. I love that I have something like this in my backyard.
To my friends old and new, thanks for the memories and I hope you make it next year. (Especially Mr. Hamilton...and not just because he might bring Big Man Japan, as he was originally scheduled to this year.)
For those of you who actually went ahead and slogged through this (both of you): thank you very much for reading.
The Rev. D.D.
February 26, 2009
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Another T-Fest in the can... |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 07/27/2009 9:40:36 PM |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 03/08/2009 : 09:13:07 AM
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| I know one of the actors who was in The Harrad Experiment. He now teaches acting at the local college, and he's a pretty cool guy. Ken told me that he bet the guy likes to tell people how he got to punch Don Johnson out in that movie, and he does indeed. *grin* |
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 03/19/2009 : 8:38:22 PM
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Well, hell, who wouldn't?
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I'd love to have an anecdote about punching a famous person, even if it was just in a movie. |
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Treehuggers, Tabangas and "T-Rex"--T-Fest 2008
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