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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
 Posted - 08/07/2009 : 12:21:33 PM
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Scanranger vs. Jetman
This story presupposes you already know a lot about Choujin Sentai Jetman, and in case you don’t I’ve done the legwork for you. Follow the links below to learn all you could want to know about one of the most popular of super sentai.
http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/halojones/75/jetman/jetman.html
http://www.supersentai.com/database/1991_jetman/index.html
http://www.rovang.org/sentai/jetman.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koPljaG7Vl0&feature=related
Warning: I’m assuming if you’re reading a review this in-depth you don’t care about spoilers. In this case, of Jetman. You’ve been warned.
Scanranger vs. Jetman
Summary: A crisis of cosmic proportions no one seems in any hurry to prevent puts the Scanrangers on an adventure with their favorite TV heroes, Choujin Sentai Jetman.
Monster: Dozer Jigen, KuroJaguar
URL: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/5514/jmvssr.html
Rating: JJJJJJ
Rants-
-Disclaimer: This novel is not intended to be sold or used for monetary purposes, it's created just for all live-action(tokusatsu)fans all over the world.
*Novel? My, haven’t we a lofty opinion of ourselves.
-Narration: In another galaxy, far, far away from the Milky Way galaxy, a spectaular galactic battle is taking place.
*Isn’t another galaxy, by very definition, going to be far, far away from ours? I also like how he uses the word “galaxy” twice in one sentence and goes on to use the adjective “galactic” in the same one. This is gonna be a wild ride.
-Deadmeat Alien Elder: “Use the Timerunner! The only thing you can do is to hide the jewel in the past where they wouldn't think of finding it!”
*The selfless elder sacrifices himself to ensure the escape of his sidekick Aileen with the all-powerful Lighkari amulet the bad guys are after. We’re not even off the first page and already the plot’s in shambles. If the good guys have an artifact of ultimate power, why are they losing the battle in the first place? It should be a matter of “abracadabra…we win!” And they have time machines too! But if they did that, then the story wouldn’t happen. A plausible explanation IS given later, but by later I mean 20+ episodes, and if the date at the end of the “movie” reflects the date when it was written, it’s about seven years later before Vince gave it.
-Evil Alien Commander: “Ah, Counselor! I do believe you have something that belongs to us! The amulet..I shall releive you of it, if you shall…”
*I shall relieve you of it, if you shall…um, yeah.
-Narration: The invaders search the minister of defense, but find no amulet.
*He’d just carry the artifact of ultimate power around in his pocket??
-Evil Alien Soldier: “Sir, there's another life form not far on this ship.
Evil Alien Commander: "Find her! And find the amulet!"
*The guy can tell from being told about a local life form scan that the life form is female.
-Aileen: “Oh!
Evil Alien Soldier: “Seize her!"
Narration: As soon as they attempt to reach her, they shoot at her. A piece of the amulet flies off into space, immediately disappearing,and then she was gone, and the Timerunner with her. Aileen warps back into the past, unaware of what year.
*Wow, the elder guy sure did a good job of covering Aileen’s escape, she hadn’t even made a move toward the time machine by the time he hit the ground. Why does part of the amulet going flying away? Sealing the set-up’s fate as the most retarded ever, you can now forget all about the evil aliens and their war with Aileen’s people, it has not a thing to do with the rest of the “movie.”
**Really, how unfulfilling is that? This is just what I’d do, but if I’d had any input I would’ve made Aileen’s attackers members of MAYHEM. It not only would’ve tied into the story as it is, it would’ve helped with the idea that they’re this huge intergalactic army and it could’ve served to introduce the one-shot villain so common in Sentai crossover movies. “Ah, Captain Gorthag, haven’t seen you since the Tarjerkian campaign…”
-Narration: . She lands on Earth, and not its whereabouts, she wanders off into the countryside. Not far away, on the other side of town, there lies a airport hangar. The area Aileen had landed in was Tokyo, in the year 1991. Across the town lies the Skyforce base of the recent fighting team called Jetman.
*Not far away, on the other side of town…? No, that’s wrong. What’s with the hangar, though? Skycamp (that’s the name of Jetman’s headquarters in case you don‘t know) is hardly an airport hangar. Is that what he’s talking about, or is it across town from the hangar, which is across town from where Aileen is?
-Chokan: “All right, everyone.." she said in Japanese.
*WTF? He’s pointing out a Japanese person living in Japan speaking…Japanese?
-Chokan: “I shouldn't have to remind you on how you nearly gotten your butts kicked by that Faucet monster! The tires are used to utilizing the enemy's strength in your favor..”
*Nearly got their butts kicked?! Jetman murdered the faucet monster! I suppose there was the short-lived part where the monster was strangling them with hoses, but it was, as I said, short-lived
**For those as persnickety as I, I doubt she’s talking about how Faucet Jigen nearly kicked their butts when they first encountered it rather than the second time with the actual fight, because CHOKAN HERSELF TOLD THEM TO RUN AWAY.
**This is also begs the question of timeline placement, since Chokan talks about the faucet monster as if they fought it very recently, which would place this among the earliest episodes of Jetman. Yet fairly soon something is mentioned that didn’t happen until halfway through the show.
-Raita: “Tell that to Gai! How come he never attend these workouts, anyway?”
Ako: “Well, Chokan doesn't know it, but he always finds some lame excuse to get away from her, the lone wolf that he is..."
*How could Chokan not know that Gai’s always ducking the exercise regimes, especially if the excuses are “lame”? She’s not stupid, and seems impervious to Gai’s way with women. Then again, she’s in the hands of the writer of Scanranger now, which means she’s stupid indeed.
-Narration: Speaking of Gai Yuki, he was already hanging out at his favorite nightclub.
*Forget series timeline, when’s this happening on a clock? The Jetmen are having a military training regime while Gai’s out at a nightclub. That doesn’t sound right at all.
-Narration: Aileen wasn't aware that he had picked up a piece of he amulet earlier in the day, thinking that it could be a good luck charm to settle his gambling debts.
*Yet soon she’s aware and don’t trouble yourself about how, the story won’t tell you. And like Gai would use it to pay off his debts, he’d use it to pick up chicks. What show was Vince watching?
-Gai: “So, ladies..What do you think? Do you think I can give that guy 'Kenny G' a run for his money?"
*That’s how you get girls, huh? Comparing yourself to Kenny G?
-Casino Manager: “You've got a lot of guts showing your face around here again! You still owe me 10,000 yen for the last two times you were here!”
*Yen doesn’t have the same value as a dollar. Far from it. I figure 10,000 is supposed to seem like a lot, but according to the research I did in 1991 the exchange rate was about $1 = 134 yen. According to my admittedly dodgy math skills, 10,000 yen was therefore the equivalent of about $75. That’s not an amount most people would throw out the window, but neither does Gai have to think about selling his body parts to pay it back. I’ve heard about movie rentals in Japan that cost 10,000 yen.
-Gai and narration: “Well..I was working on giving you the money in installments, instead, I'm working on giving you the full amount as soon as possible…” Gai fumbles around his pocket and pulls out the amulet piece he had found earlier.
*And I’m Chuck Norris’s little brother. Watch the second bleeding episode. In our first real glimpse at Gai, a casino manager gets on Gai’s case for cheating (which he was), and earns a punch in the face for his troubles.
-Narration: Gai looks at the time and realizes he was late to get to the workout. He rushes to get back.
Gai: “Darn it, lost track of time..Better get back to base..The last thing I need right now is to have Chokan chew me out for lateness again; enough that I have to put up with 'Mr. Boy Scout' as well(referring to Ryu).
*Why does Gai care all of a sudden if he ditched training to go babe hunting in the first place? Did he somehow think Chokan wouldn’t notice he wasn’t there when she only has to account for five people? *sigh*
-Narration: Dateline:Somerset County: Leewood Park, N.J., U.S.A. The place: Central New Jersey University..
*That’s nice, where’s the date in the dateline? IT’S AT THE END OF THE “MOVIE”.
-Narration: Led by Lt. Commander Daphne Alexandria(aka'Professor Alex'), she leads her team against evil.
*Led by her, she leads her team against evil. He introduces the premise but presupposes you know the characters.
-Alex: “Time travel.." Alex writes on the board as two of her charges, Vin Harlock and Toni Montanez assist her.
*They help her write “time travel” on the board?
-Alex: “Numerous books and movies have based this section of science fiction on a lot of subjects.”
*Oo-what?
-Alex, possibly: “As you have already seen clips of the 'Back to the Future' series,…”
*…Marty was clearly standing in the fire.
-Narration: The students look and watch highlights from the BTF movies, and get a brief peek at a 'Star Trek' episode,"The City on the Edge of Forever", where a time travel plot was also involved.
Toni: “Now, in this situation, we see Dr.McCoy in a serious, life-death decision..Shall he save his future lover,resulting in happiness and marriage, or will the entire Earth suffer because of a man's sacrifice? As you know, this person will be responsible for saving lives in the future…”
*Wow, it’s an ironic counterpoint to what happens in this story! Except “will the entire Earth suffer because of a man’s sacrifice” is a stupid question. The world suffered until McCoy made his sacrifice: because he saved a woman who historically died, the Allies lost World War II. I’m not even a Trekkie and I know that. I’ll get into why this is an idiotic comparison when the time comes, but once again I’ll say Vince Jones might want to look into something called “fact-checking”.
-Alex: “Suppose you had possessed the power to go back in time, with the intent of saving the world..If you went back to the early 80's, and avoided the menace of crack cocaine to reach the world, it would have kept families together, kept urban areas,as well as the suburbs from destruction.. Now, a new form of an addictive drug, even more potent than crack, hit the streets..Your intentions of bringing peace were great, but chaos would have reigned.”
*What??? I’m not going to get into a thing over the physics of time travel, because everything about it is and will always be theoretical, but I’ll say a writer as habitually confusing as Vince Jones should’ve avoided such a topic altogether.
-Vin: “Uh, Profess? Don't you think an analogy like drugs fit in with the subject of our class? With all due respect, ma'am, I think it was unnecessary..."
Alex: “You rather I should talk about a dictator, like Hitler, or even Stalin? What if they had succeeded in their plans? There would be no creativity in movies as we know it..Don't you agree, Toni?”
Toni: “Sort of..I may have to agree to a point, Vin..These kids need something thought provoking to bring some ideas to their future filmmaking classes..”
Somebody: “The future Spike Lees, Stanley Kubricks, Steven Spielbergs, and an Akira Kurosawa thrown into the mix...Just what we need.."
*What the hell are these guys talking about?
-Someone: “What's up with fearless leader? He looks down..”
B.C.: “I say he's looking at your face and he's sighing like he's out of breath.."
Alex: "No, no..Vin's a bit disturbed about a point I made in the session today..”
*And you can forget about it just like you forgot about the evil aliens.
-Narration: Meanwhile, on the other side of town, the Scanrangers mortal enemies, MAYHEM(Mechanized Androids Yoked Hither to Eliminate Mankind)lands in the countryside.
*The other side of town again, sheesh.
-Ug: “How long will this take, Key?"
Anark Key: “Don't rush me! It wasn't my fault that I ran out of raw material to boost up the Nebultopia engines! I know for certain that there was energy detected about..200 yards from here.." He mumbles,"You reject from a Neanderthal factory!"
*Ug and Key are looking for resources, I guess, to recharge their ship. That they choose to wander around in the woods hoping they’ll blindly stumble onto what they need instead of stealing from a refinery or laboratory shows just how dangerous these guys are.
-Narration: Key discovers pieces from an old rocket booster. and also finds the other piece of the amulet of Lighkari.
*Whoa, wait a second. It said Aileen lost part of her amulet, and Gai was shown to have it, but somehow she lost the rest too? Then couldn’t Vince have said she lost the whole thing and two pieces went spinning away into eternity? Nah, consistency’s too much work and stuff.
-Vixen: “Yes..I believe we have also found a downed satellite where the energy supply came from..”
*Aileen’s amulet ended up in a fallen satellite? Why pile that on top of the amulet gimmick if you ain’t gonna say nothing about it?
-Narration: Not far away, Dr.Markby and another Cape Paramount base technician was doing some research on the ground.
Markby: “We just need to check out that clove of fir trees over there, and check for any recent bark damage..Look out for ticks or anything that might have drained the sap from the tree..."
*At least he spelled “fir” right, but I think he meant a “copse” of them. My big question is what are members of a military organization doing checking trees for ticks? It doesn’t seem like something the same guy who builds the giant robots would be doing. This is a fine example of how a little tightening up could make Scanranger a lot better. There was a half-mentioned story of a fallen satellite. That would’ve been a perfect thing for Scanranger’s group to investigate, instead of tick activity.
-Narration: Back at Cape Paramount base, Sarita Jain, one of the 'Second Unit' crew members on base, gets a silent distress signal. "Professor Alex! Dr. Markby's been captured!"
*That’s automatically what it means, huh?
-Narration: Blackorg looks into both their eyes as he attempts to apply hypnosis on Dr. Markby and the tech.
Blackorg: “Now, I know that you're part of Project:Paramount...All I desire, good doctor, is the secrets to your five member team's source of power..If you can tell me, I shall provide you with a high position, wealth, and your freedom as well.."
*Blackorg tries to coax the secret of Scanranger’s film powers out of Dr. Markby, except according to the front page Blackorg has power over horror movies, and he came to Earth in the same rock that housed the film energy so it’s hard to believe he wouldn’t already have it himself. And he says “five member team” even though Takeshi shows up later, inside the base, so it’s obviously six by now.
-Narration: But Blackorg didn't count on Dr. Markby's ability to resist his hypnotic entrallment, as the CPB crew was prepared for any contingency.
Markby: “I don't think so!!”
*Can the bad guys be allowed to do anything the project members can’t immediately counter? Making this even lamer is the one trying to hypnotize him is Blackorg. The story’s ultimate villain. The bad guy powerful enough to beat all six Scanrangers at once. And he can’t even hypnotize the dink who designs their robots. If the Scanrangers let him have it with their lasers before he could learn anything it wouldn’t be so bad, but this is pathetic.
-Ug: “The Scanrangers!"
Narration: Professor Alex also appears beside the five.
*Why? Alex never goes along on missions, and doesn’t do a thing during the rest of the “movie” to justify her presence.
-Narration: The enigmatic creature blasts a force beam from his hand, and the rangers get Alex out of the way.
*See? She’s already getting in the way.
-Narration: Out of nowhere, a dimensional portal opens up wide, crackling with thunder and lighting.
Toni: “NO! PROFESSOR! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!"
Narration: Yet it was too late. Alex was pulled in as well. "PROFESSSORRR!" shouted Red. Our leader loses his grip trying to save her, and he is pulled in. Pink, Green, Blue, and Yellow. As soon as Kunio was in, the portal closes, and the amulet piece stops glowing.
*There’s Alex proving invaluable to the mission again.
-Narration: The MAYHEM villains travel through a time warp and eventualy land in a dark empty warehouse with little lighting and twisted column figures.
*Actually they don’t, as we’ll see in a little bit.
-Vin: “Where the heck are we?"
B.C.: “Let me put it this way..We're not in Kansas anymore.."
Vin: "Now why did I have a feeling he was gonna say that?"
*Because he’s the unfunny comic relief?
-Nick: “Well, like Vin said, where are we? I don't think we're technically far way from the base..”
*What do you mean you don’t think you’re far from the base? You just got sucked through a warp! That’d be a pretty lame warp that put you right back where you left.
-Someone: “I've always wanted to visit Japan myself, but not like this! And on top of it all, we have no passports!”
*Why do you think that’ll be a problem? If you need to leave the country, just teleport.
-Alex: “I think that's exactly what had happened..That jewel opened up the gateway, and sent us back in time.."
*This follows directly after the quote above. Alex is right, that’s what happened, but who’s she responding to?
-Toni: “Now what do we do?”
Alex: “According to custom,the first thing we have to do is to find some story to explain to the U.S. ambassador, and get things straightened out at the embassy."
*There’s custom regarding getting sucked through a time warp and landing in another country? You guys aren’t just stupid, you’re crazy!
-Narration: The portal comes through, and it turns out to be..four alien humanoids.. Surprisingly, B.C. and Kunio recognized them!
B.C.: “Just a second! Mikey! Do you see what I see? If I'm not mistaken,that's the Viram, the dreaded enemies of Jetman!”
*Villains who aren’t a bunch of incompetent dolts. You guys are in trouble now.
-Nick: “This is very interesting, that we've teleported back in time to meet up with some fictional characters that were only on TV…”
Kunio: “Think what you like..After watching this show years ago back home in my country..I think that MAYHEM is a walk in the park as far as villains go…”
*We agree on MAYHEM’s threat level, at least. I’ll give Scanranger a bit of credit for this, because it isn’t often something as pompous as this story is willing to admit there’s something that outshines it. There are other parts that make down for it, though. Later the story (sporadically) treats Jetman as if it were real, just happening years ago, creating not a little confusion. And I’m probably just talking out of my butt, but a little clarification would seem to be in order for Kunio’s “home country” statement, because according to the front page he was born in (ten o’clock in) LA. On the other hand, B.C. was born in (five o’clock in) Tokyo. That makes it even stranger that Kunio has a Japanese name and the Japanese-born B.C. has a Western name (Ben).
-Narration: Without warning, something jumps on Kunio's back, and he screams.
*Well, what was it?? It’s a question that requires no thought. This is just sad.
-Vin: “Professor, look ahead and see if you can get some help..."
*Look ahead…and see if you can get help?
-Raediege: “Do you know what happens to nosy humans?”
Nick: “What in the world are you talking about, man, or should I call you creature? I don't even understand a word you're saying!"
Vin: "I get it..since Kunio and B.C. know the language, that explains why they speak in Japanese...I remember some words, but not enough to speak fluently..."
*They established a while ago they’re in Japan and it’s just now dawning on Vin the locals speak Japanese. How did this guy make it into a good college again?
-In case you’re wondering, the language barrier will be brought up again at every opportunity, which is not only insulting but confusing. Think about it: do you remember either Scanranger or Jetman explaining how the ALIENS speak the same language as the heroes? I sure don’t.
**All right, all right, I won’t go off on a tirade against the logistics of aliens always knowing the language of the country they visit. But I will whine about how Vince just can’t trust his readers to grasp what language is spoken by natives of the Japanese archipelago.
-Tran: “I guess we'll have to hold you all hostage to prove how the Viram don't tolerate interlopers…”
*Yeah, sure. Viram didn’t take hostages and keep them unless it had a use for them.
-Vin: “You have no idea who you're dealing with!"
Maria: "Yes! Five dead humans!"
*Is there a language barrier or isn’t there? Despite what the name might imply, Maria’s one of the Jetman characters.
-Narration: The five summon their FilmBraces and VCP bracelets. They all shout, "LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION! SCANRANGER!" , and transform into the movie task force once again. The four villains were amazed by the transformation.
*No way. When Viram found out about Jetman they weren’t amazed. Amused, tops. Scanranger isn’t a tenth of Jetman’s caliber, plus they’re the second Sentai Viram’s seen. If nobody in the first dimension they conquered thought of having one, that is. Unless they’re amazed that rejects like Alex and her band of merry morons could have powers like their dire enemies, this is either a perfect example of poor research or juvenile self-aggrandizing. If not both.
-Radiege: “Scanranger? Another team like those accursed Jetmen? Or are you another group of refugees from the Dimensian planet that we've already conquered?"
*This is the chronological marker I mentioned before that confuses me. The fight with the faucet monster happened in the third episode, but the Dimensian warriors (“another group”) were in 23-24. That’s a gap accounting for 40% of the show. Normally I don’t care when a Vs. movie happens in the series timeline (because I’ve yet to hear of one that treats the Vs. movie as continuity, unlike Scanranger), but if I’m going to complain about everything else, I don’t see why I should skip this.
**What’s to suggest the Scanrangers are Dimensians, anyway? The title of that episode was “Shin Sentai Tojo,” or “New Task Force Appears,” but they weren’t a Sentai in the same way as Scanranger or Jetman. No fancy costumes or special weapons or really anything in common besides wanting to stop Viram. Well, and a giant robot, but Viram doesn’t know about that yet.
-Narration: Using his remote-control gauntlet hand, the 9 year old child presses a button, and a mini van comes out of nowhere, running Green over.
Nick: “W-what happened?" said the dazed Greenscanner, as Tran laughs.
B.C.: "I told you to wait, man.. What I've read about that kid is he has the power to control metal objects at his whim...saw that on an older episode..."
*So which is it? Saw it on TV or read it?
-Vin: “And do me a favor..SPEAK ENGLISH!”
*I got two words for you Vin: Ugly American.
-Narration: With Radieggan successfully triumpant, he was unaware of one other Scanranger.
*A Scanranger sent by the Department of Redundancy Department.
-Kunio: “HEY, RADIEGEE! SPECIAL DELIVERY! WARP SPEED SMASH!" shouted Yellow (again in Nihongo), smashing his face in. He used his Film Energy of Sci-fi/Anime movies with his Super Valkyrie Mecha(from Macross)to knock the count senseless.
*Kunio defeats Count Radiege who’d defeated Vin, remember that. And the writer apparently felt some need to stress that a Japanese Scanranger spoke Japanese to a Japanese-speaking villain.
-Narration: Before the villains made their move, the battle was temporarily interrupted. Up from the sky, descended a band of five color-coordinated paratroopers. It was none other than the ranger's sentai counterparts: “Jetman!”
*Their sentai counterparts?
-Viram uses a hallucinogen on the Jetmen that makes them see the Scanrangers as the members of Viram, and I gotta say, seeing Jetman pound the seventh-rate sentai was the highlight of the story.
-Ryu: “I don't know what diabolical scheme you're planning now, Radiege, but this ends now!" said Red Hawk/Ryu in his native language.
*Yes, Ryu is likely to be speaking his native language when talking to what he perceives as someone who speaks it too, now that you mention it.
-Maria: “Hmph! As much as I want to stay and watch these fools kill each other, we do have much to accomplish.."
*That must be Japanese for “If we stayed and made sure the job’s finished the story would be over in ten pages.” Dude, just have ‘em leave. That’d call less attention to the fact.
-Grey: “I have just the thing.." said the little talkative Grey.
*Talkative little Grey? Grey’s not little, and he’s the least talkative character out of the main cast. What were you watching, Vince?
-Narration: One of the Jetmen notices the bomb at the very last possible second. They reach for it, but as expected, goes off.
*How very, very sad. Vince, just pick one! If you couldn’t decide which Jetman should notice the bomb, you could’ve gotten a picture where they’re all standing together and closed your eyes then picked which one your finger landed on. It’s not that hard.
-Narration: The five Scanrangers fly in the air, almost taking the full brunt of the detonation.
*Because they’re tougher than Jetman so it was the only natural way.
-Narration: Professor Alex runs to the struggle. "Rangers! Rangers! Good Lord! What happened?"
*She went to find help, supposedly. Where is it? Seems more like she hid behind some boxes and watched the fight play out.
-Grey: “This should mean that I claim rulership of Viram, does it not?"
Tran: "He does have a point, we did agree that whomever was the first to eliminate the Jetmen, rules over us..."
*They’re talking about a contest the Viram members have: whoever kills Jetman becomes leader. That much is accurate. What I don’t buy is Tran supporting Grey’s claim. Tran’s an evil little brat. When his comrades mocked him he force-grew himself into a villain powerful enough to take over by force. I don’t see him rolling over and accepting defeat like this.
-Radiege: “HA! It was my idea to use the bomb! My suggestion! All you did was aid me in finishing the job!”
*Radiege did always seem a little bit crazy (or a large bit), but not only was it Grey’s bomb but Grey’s idea to use it.
-Blackorg: “I am Lord Blackorg..Head of MAYHEM! My colleagues and I travel from the future in order to wreak havoc and chaos throughout the galaxy!"
*MAYHEM makes their appearance finding themselves aboard Viram’s floating fortress. Blackorg can tell by osmosis they’ve arrived in the past, apparently. His is truly an awesome power. Or bad writing.
-Ug: “But we didn't come here to do that, we came by acc-"
Key: "Shut up, Ug!" Key interrupts him, elbowing him on the side.
*Ug attacked Key for muttering a mild insult before, you’d think he would for being physically assaulted.
-Radiege: “Now Tran was right..this is our ship...and sice this is our ship, we know it better than you would,…”
*Yes, Viram probably does know their ship better than MAYHEM (no easy feat considering the laws of physics don’t apply inside), but what does that have to do with anything?
-Radiege: “[W]e've our own agenda..to destroy these protectors of that planet..Jetman! And as you see on the screen, we have already succeeded!"
Vixen: "What protectors? I see nothing!"
Someone: "What? They're gone!"
Tran: "Looks like we've got to hunt them down again, you know?"
*Not necessarily. You used a bomb, didn’t you?
-Breaking down a story into multiple sections seems an odd choice to me, but I can roll with it. Or I could, if Vince Jones bothered to put links to the next one at the end of each section.
Now we know what the south's gonna do again, get eaten by a huge fish. |
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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
Posted - 08/07/2009 : 12:22:20 PM
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Scanranger vs. Jetman, part 2
Part 2-http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/5514/jmvssr2.html
-Radiege: “So you're the ones responsible for sending that other fighting team against us! Well, we'll destroy them as I shall destroy you!"
*What indicates MAYHEM being responsible for Scanranger’s appearance?
-Blackorg: “Hold, Count! Another fighting team, you say?"
Key: "That means the Scanrangers are here, too!"
Radiege: “Ah, then you're not responsible for those strangers, then..The ones we swore to destroy..Jetman, are our mortal enemies.. Since they escaped, why are we fighting each other, Lord Blackorg?"
*The Scanranger villains act a little surprised, drop a name, and Radiege does a complete 180 and is sure it’s not MAYHEM’s fault he ran into another Sentai. He should have all kinds of whiplash changing directions so fast.
-Blackorg: “True..true..We can arrange then to smash both teams in this time period..What say we arrange a temporary truce? The four of you can work out your 'feud' later..."
*I assume Blackorg means Viram’s in-fighting about leadership by “feud”, but how would he know about that?
-Key: “Fair deal, then..but we shall be the ones to claim this mudball first.."
*Key’s the clever one? They just made a truce with a bunch of other villains, that would seem to be the kind of thing that would stop it in its tracks. At least Maria hurts him.
-B.C.: “Japanese music! I must be dead!”
*Don’t I wish. Skycamp isn’t the kind of place to pipe in music, so what’s he talking about?
-Chokan: “Welcome back to the land of the living, everyone.." 'Chokan' said in her native language. The foreign Scanrangers, Vin, Toni, and Nick was trying to understand what she said. B.C then interprets the words in English for the three.
*Vince, why do you keep pointing out the Japanese people speak Japanese? The average tokusatsu fan is less than fluent in the language, otherwise why would there be so many fansub groups? We can assume the Japanese characters are speaking Japanese with the text translated for the benefit of the reader.
-Chokan: “On behalf of the Jetmen team, I apologize for what had happened, the crew didn't realize that there were others around the world fighting to protect the Earth from evil.."
*Around the world? How real is Jetman, anyway?
-Alex: “Well then, commander, It's only appropiate that we resolve our differences since we're here to fight for the same cause.."
*What cause is that?
-Vin: “Ryu Tendo..It is truly an honor to meet you..B.C. has told me about your legendary skills from the future.."
*So they’ve at least told Vin about the show (or whatever. I don’t want to get into the reality of Jetman right now). How come he didn’t seem to recognize anybody before now? And aren’t we forgetting that, by his own admission, Vin doesn’t speak much Japanese?
-Nick: “So, Gai..how does it feel to be a ladies man..a 'player'?"
Gai: "Player? Sports?" Gai wasn't aware of the American slang term for ladies man, a.k.a. a playboy.
*It’s good, I guess, that Vince is trying to show at least once that there’s a cultural boundary between the two teams, but I was under the impression only the Japanese Scanrangers spoke the native tongue. Not only should Gai not understand what Nick means, he shouldn’t even understand what he says. Think about that: the writer keeps pointing out the language barrier then forgets he did.
-Narration: While the others got better acquainted, B.C. and Ako somewhat stare, waiting to see who will spaek first. The man named Bluescanner, like Kunio, were already familiar with the Jetman team, watching them on TV years ago. He was actually one of his favorites, yet he kept it to himself.
*??????
-B.C.: “So, Ako-san..How do you like being a Jetman?"
Ako: "I think it's cool..although I admit that at first in order to do so, I wanted to get paid for it.."
B.C.: "Oh, really? Nick, my other teammate wanted the same thing, yet he was the hardest to bring on our team..”
*He was? Nick resisted for like three seconds. And as a matter of fact it was Kunio who wanted to be paid for Scanrangering.
-Narration: He pauses for a few moment, thinking how attractive Blue Swallow was. At the same time, Ako thought the same about B.C. "Gee, she's cute.." thought B.C. "Gee, he's cute.." thought Ako.
*Think of how much better the story could be if Vince would stop wasting his time on needless or redundant explanations.
-B.C.: “Enough!" B.C. decides not to hold back, lest his emotions totally overwhelm him. "Let me just cut to the chase here..Ako-san..Are you seeing anyone now?"
*B.C. falls like a ton of bricks for Ako. I’m surprised Vince had enough restraint not to make it Kaori. Anyway, he decides not to hold back in case his emotions overwhelm him? Hoo-what?? Besides, he’s the supposed expert on the show, he ought to know she didn’t have a love interest who lived to see the end of more than one episode.
**Also wonder if it matters there’s about a five year age gap between them and Ako’s not even out of high school. Here’s a word I bet Vince Jones never intended to hear aimed at his story: pervert.
-Narration: From a distance, Aileen finally makes her appearance, tracking the remains of the Lighkari amulet piece.
*Then what’s she doing at Skycamp? Gai gave it away, remember? And she knows he did.
-Aileen: “Greetings, sentai teams of the present, and of the future! My name is Aileen..I've come from the future, and I've chosen you ten for the sole purpose of saving your world, and the universe.."
*Did she have a lot of other superheroes to pick from? Because based on what they do upon hearing the end of the universe is nigh, Aileen probably should’ve looked elsewhere.
-Kaori: “What's going on, asked Kaori in Nihongo
*helpless sigh*
-Vin: “She looks like a young Irene Cara..and very pretty to boot.." said Vin. Aileen smiles, yet Vin was unaware of the flattering statement he made about the magical woman.
*Does the connection between Vin’s brain and his mouth shut off when he’s around a pretty girl? Not that I’m necessarily opposed to a Scanranger having something of a personality trait but I’d like to not have to figure it out on my own for once.
-B.C.: “He said was she an idol singer back in America's future," said B.C. He hesitates and realizes that Vin was speaking to his red counterpart in Japanese..or was he hearing things?
*That’s not what Vin said. And I checked and Irene Cara’s career was well underway in the 70’s and 80’s, the past to both teams.
-B.C.: “He said was she an idol singer back in America's future," said B.C. He hesitates and realizes that Vin was speaking to his red counterpart in Japanese..or was he hearing things?
Ryu: “I-I can understand her...So can I..I can hear you speak English loud and clear..But how?”
Aileen: "A trifling spell, Tendo Ryu..Vin Harlock..I've weaved a spell so that you can hear each other in your native language.. Red Hawk can interpret Redscanner's English, and Redscanner can understand Red Hawk in Japanese.
*Aileen casts a spell so everyone can understand each other. This is nice (and it’s going to be annoying when they team up again and she’s unavailable), but Vince didn’t seem to think it through. B.C. heard Vin speaking in Japanese, which is his (B.C.’s) native language I presume, but Ryu heard their speech as English.
-Aileen: “The pendant is close by the city area where Yuki Gai had sold it to a club owner.."
Chokan: "What pendant?"
*Indeed, what pendant. They have no idea what she’s talking about and why they should care. Great all-knowing alien.
-Aileen: “The Amulet of Lighkari is a priceless jewel 75 years in the future..During the space wars, it was stolen by the Ranchaos empire. It was told to possess unlimited, absolute power to control the universe. Yet, during the struggle, the jewel was torn in half, and it is useless unless both pieces are found and reconnected again. Once together, the rightful owner would bring peace throughout the galaxy, and in the process, will also balance the time-space continum.. It also has the power to bring others into new dimensions..”
*75 years in the future relative to when? This is a time travel story, remember? And the bad aliens stole the amulet, but Aileen’s people had it when the story began. Whuh? In any case, the amulet is a token of unlimited power that isn’t used simply because it’s so powerful. Vince, you can’t say it’ll bring peace to the universe then not do it just because it would mean no more Scanranger. Later a somewhat more rational explanation is given, but it’s a long (looooong) time in coming. Restrain yourself and get a more workable McGuffin, Mr. Writer.
-Aileen: “My magic is limited, and we have only twenty-eight hours to return you back to the future.."
*Aileen’s magic is limited, so what? And where does that deadline come from? Is there a manual that explains exactly what happens if the amulet’s broken?
-Toni: “And if we fail?"
Aileen: "Not only you'll be stuck in the past forever, but the space-time continum will collapse and the universe will cease to exist..”
*Aileen explains what will befall our heroes should they fail to reunite the amulet in the timeframe she’s given them. Of course, once again Vince Jones overreaches himself. They won’t be stuck in the past because there won’t be a past to be stuck in.
-Aileen: “I have my Timerunner not far from here, and it's useless unless I could get it fixed.."
Chokan: "My facilities should have the tools you may need..I can assist on the technology and match up the necessary parts..
Alex: "Nick can give you a hand, Chokan.." said Alex in Japanese." He's the computer brain of the group, and he's willing to help in any way.."
*Aileen asks the teams to help fix her time machine. This is yet another plot device that makes no sense. Chokan says she has all the tools and parts necessary…to fix a time machine? What’s the point, anyway? Aileen’s time machine is never used for anything, besides forcing Nick to sit out the coming battle royale until all seems lost.
-Kunio: “Wait a minute! Profess!" said Kunio surprisingly. "You mean all this time you could speak Japanese?!
Alex: "Life is full of surprises..." Alex responds in Nihongo.
Kunio: "You never told us that!"
Alex: "You never asked..."
*Kunio is blown away to find out Alex speaks Japanese. Is it that big a deal? She speaks a second language and he’s acting like she’s got two heads or something. How does he even notice after Aileen cast her translation spell?
**Also, this is another in Alex’s ridiculously long list of credentials. She’s not only the head of Project Paramount, she’s got some kind of military background, she’s an ex-professional ballerina, she knows martial arts, if necessary she can pilot giant robots, and she teaches college film classes. She’s like Chokan on steroids (not coincidentally, I’m sure). See how speaking a second language doesn’t stand out? Even before Dekaranger broached the concept of team mentor as teammate, I can’t for the life of me understand how someone as overqualified as Alex didn’t become a ranger.
**Alex knowing Japanese is probably meant as a hint to a revelation that she used to be a member of Skyforce, but if so, the tip-off is idiotic (and no I didn’t miss the “old colleague” between her and Chokan, although everyone in the story seemed to).
-Narration: The two teams go out together in pairs to get better acquainted, save Nick, as he helps Alex and Chokan to fix Aileen's machine. Vin hangs out with Ryu at a nearby park, using this as an opportunity to perhaps trade battle secrets.
*In case you forgot, they’re going to hang out right after an alien told them if they didn’t find a special trinket, the universe would end in a matter of hours. And it’s somewhere in Tokyo. And the “two teams” are teams of superheroes. And they’re having story time instead of trying to keep the universe from ending. There’s no nice way to say this: this is the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen.
-Ryu: “Rie..."
Vin: "Rie? Who's she? Your girlfriend, I take it?"
Ryu: "Yes..I usually don't share about that fateful day on the Earthship, but I trust you..
*B.C. told Vin about Ryu’s legendary skill, but not the show’s longest-running subplot, eh? Also, Ryu might not be constantly whining about his dead girlfriend, but if he didn’t talk about it much it was because he was able to keep it from interfering with his duty while he waited for his chance to get her back.
-Vin proceeds to give Ryu a speech about the dangers of leading a Super Sentai, and Ryu thanks him. It starts at “Wow! That's some story, man!" if you want to read it yourself. Excuse me, where does this clown get off telling Red Hawk things like “Just suck it up, learn from your mistakes and move on..”? Vin has it a lot easier as a superhero. His teammates are his friends, he fights villains who’ve had their menace damaged on several occasions by idiotic bickering and Home Alone-style humor, and he seems like a fun-loving easygoing kind of guy, having no reason not to be.
**On the other hand, in the first episode Ryu’s fiancee was sucked to certain doom when Viram attacked the space station where they were at the time. First episode, and the subplot runs the length of the whole show. While his teammates are good people at heart they’re essentially strangers; Ryu’s the only one who was supposed to be a Jetman. Ryu and Gai used to get into fistfights all the time, and they’re on the same side. His enemies aren’t the constant butt of lame gags*,and Ryu thinks one of them might be his presumed dead fiancee. Talk about angst. Vin doesn’t have a leg to stand on..
(*think about what it says that the villains who make monsters based on things like sharks and alligators are so much lamer than the ones who make monsters based on things like sewing machines and water faucets)
-B.C.: “I know that this is going to be a pain, Ako-san,..But I couldn't help resist about that experience you had with that ramen monster..."
Narration: Raita cringes as he recalls being the victim of the Noodle-Jigen's corrupted ramen. Kunio, remembering that episode, starts to sing the 'Yoki no Ako-chan' song.
*Idiots.
-Toni warns Jetman to avoid gangsta rap at all costs if they ever visit the States. Imagine getting the chance to talk to Gandhi or Martin Luther King, and you take pains to tell them to stay away from McDonalds hamburgers.
-B.C.: “Anyway.." said B.C. "this monster attacked the town, and framed one of my classmates for a crime he didn't commit..He was loaded with a machine gun that sprayed a high pressured graffiti paint...He was talking in rhyme as he wreaked havoc in the city, until the Scanranger crew stopped him.." The three Scanrangers continue to tell the three Jetmen about that particular battle.
*Again, don’t they have a matter of hours to search Tokyo for a magic gizmo to keep the universe from coming apart at the seams?
-Tran: “So who shall get the honors of drawing the teams out of hiding?" asked Tran. At the same time, he, the count, Maria, and Grey set their sights on the same object down on Earth. They see a construction site, and prepare to toss their dimensional parasites down to the object, which was a bulldozer. All at the same time the four parasites land on the machine.
*The villains decide to take another crack at the assembled Sentai. Tran asks who’ll do the honors of luring them out which doesn’t matter because they all create a monster together. You only need to use one parasite to turn something into a monster, not four. Unless Vince is trying to imply it’s four times as powerful as a normal monster or something like that.
-Narration: The machine morphs, and in the process, crushes the helpless driver. The creature takes form, standing on two feet, with one normal hand, the other was a double-shoveled hand. Hence, the Viram was pleased at their new blood-curdling monster-Dozer-Jigen!
*Oh no! He said “morph”! Vince Jones must be excommunicated from the Church of Power Ranger Haters! I’ll award the story a few points though because this is pretty much the only time Viram acts like the real Viram, callously murdering a civilian.
**But this is another source of continuity confusion. See, the monster Viram created is a Jigen Juu, or Dimensional Beast, created from an inanimate object like traffic lights or instant ramen. With a few exceptions, after the Dimensian warriors showed up Viram’s monsters were part object, part animal. His name is Dozer-Jigen, not Bull-Dozer, suggesting he’s one of the former.
**Plus, and this is anal and fan boyish even for me, so feel free to skip down to the next point, but a bulldozer isn’t all that goofy as a basis for a monster. Most things made into Jigen Juu were, from pop machines to hair driers. I wasn’t joking about my examples above either. If I was trying to do a faithful adaptation of Jetman, that’s the kind of thing I’d of thing I’d act on. But if I’ve learned anything by now it’s that, intentionally or otherwise, Vince Jones isn’t interested in doing a faithful adaptation of Jetman.
-Narration: Touching the metal bars, the energy flows within, then Blackorg teleports the metal, and creates a partial robot and half jaguar.
*That apparently means MAYHEM creates their own monster. Don’t ask me to make sense of it.
-Key, maybe: “KuroJaguar! These are your orders! Attack and retrieve!" Key holds up a picture of the Scanrangers. The cybercreature captures the scent, and roars on to the surface with lighting speed.
*The monster gets the Scanrangers’ scent from a picture? Is it scratch and sniff or what??
-Nick: “One small calculator chip is all it requires..."
*Says Nick about fixing Aileen’s time machine. And yet he takes hours and hours to use one when there’s a calculator sitting on a desk nearby the entire time. I’d love to hear the writer or one of the story’s fans respond to that.
-Kunio: “Wait a minute..We're talking about Chokan here..The same Chokan that is no-nonsense, take no prisoners, butt-kicking woman who rules the task force with a deep respect..The same Chokan who can take out Ryu and Gai outright in hand to hand combat if needed be..According to me, this is not the same woman that our legend knew about.."
*This is Kunio reacting to the realization that B.C. and Ako are out on a date. Not because they’ve got a universe to save, but because Chokan suggested it.
**When did Chokan beat Ryu and Gai in hand to hand combat, if I may ask? I don’t remember that ever happening, but we’ve already established Vince was going by a version of Jetman known only to him.
-Narration: Suddenly, the emergency siren goes off as the Jetmen and the Scanrangers run to the consoles. They witness the Grinamus smashing cars and terrorizing the citizens of Tokyo.
Vin: "What's going on?”
*And he’s the leader???
-Kunio: “The Jetmen will probably need some backup..I've heard these foot soldiers are no problem, so, Scanrangers, get going!"
*The Grinams are no problem, so get your asses out there and help Jetman!
-Aileen: “Sorry, Nick, but your commander's correct..I know you want to help your teammates, but we've only have sixteen hours to go, lest you'll be trapped here..It shouldn't take long to fix this microchip.."
*They’ve pissed away TWELVE HOURS hanging out? What time is it?
-Nick: “Arrggh! I don't believe this! They need my strength out there! Those creatures don't look like pushovers!"
*Never mind that Jetman handles Grinams all the time without another Sentai around to help. And wasn’t Kunio, the alleged expert, just saying Grinams are “no problem”?
-Narration: Meanwhile, B.C. and Ako hang out in a downtown Tokyo mall.
*Nice try Vince, but any fool can tell they’re in a downtown Vancouver mall!
-B.C.: “We Scanrangers were all chosen for our desire of specific movie genres, action/adventure movies, sci-fi, drama, and so on..”
*And apparently nothing else.
-B.C.: “In a nutshell, my power is my on my love for comedy movies..We Scanrangers were all chosen for our desire of specific movie genres, action/adventure movies, sci-fi, drama, and so on.. I'm also a theatre major, with a minor in English. I'm hoping that I could get the opportunity to write good, clean comedy acts for movies..In society today, a lot of people get laughs at obscene, dirty jokes. I have very little tolerance for that...My goal is to bring that all back, watching the classic movies, like Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello..."
*And he could do it, too, you know. He’s a Scanranger. Seriously, B.C., who can’t generate an intentional laugh to save his life, has aspirations of starting a rage for retro-style comedy. Is that the joke?
-B.C.: “Wacky Races?! What do know about Dastardly and Muttley? What do you know about that smart aleck pooch who occasionaly bites DD on the hand?" B.C. does an impression of Muttley's famous snicker.
*B.C. finds out Ako likes Wacky Races, and this happens. They’re soul mates because they both love Wacky Races. Oh my God. Just wait til we get to the epilogue.
-Toni: “Cute faces for cannon fodder who's about to get their rear end put in a sling.."
Raita: "Don't underestimate them, Toni..They're tougher than you think..."
Vin: "These no-face rejects from a spider convention? I don't think-" Vin almost gets hit by one of the Grinamu's wrist machine guns.
*Is Vin having a bad day? Otherwise this is reinforcing my complaint that Alex might have wanted more criteria for her team members than “loves movies.”
**And as usual, I have no idea what Vin’s talking about anyway. “No-face rejects from a spider convention?” A spider convention?? I see nothing spidery about Grinams.
-Vin: “So much for negoiations.."
*Yeah, you were totally gonna reason with the marauding aliens.
-Narration: The local Japanese sentai hold them own during the battle, while the rangers seemed to have a slightly difficult time defeating them.
*The local Japanese sentai. As opposed to the local Israeli sentai, apparently.
-Narration: Meanwhile, the club owner who bought Gai's jewel was at the jewelry exchange about to cash in the amulet piece. "I could probably get at least 200,000 yen easy, if not more on this thing.." he said. Suddenly, a flash of lighting came before the owner, and he sees the four Viram villains. The man falls down, as the sinister count approaches him with a very, wicked grin.
*What’s Viram doing suddenly going after the amulet? They didn’t know it even existed, yet here they are to steal it.
-Kunio: “In super sentai shows, it's customary for the minions to attack the team first, and then the monster appears! How the heck could I forget that?!”
*Yeah, especially since you, like, live in one. And not just when you’re teaming up with Jetman.
-Narration: Once the birdmen recover, they look up, and see the four MAYHEM villains standing in front of them!
Ryu: "Wha-Who are you?"
*The Scanrangers didn’t mention MAYHEM was probably here too? Actually, that doesn’t surprise me.
-Kunio: “We could use some extra strength! Come on, Nick! Hurry up! We need you! Things just can't get any worse!”
*Then why don’t you use your powers, idiot? Maybe that’s why the super villains and monsters are beating you.
-Narration: They could send out Nick to help, yet he was the only one who could figure out the codes. To let him leave would mean a definite delay in getting the movie task force back to their own time. Indeed, there was only five hours left before the vortex would close forever!
*Let me get this straight: there were sixteen hours left when the other rangers went out to fight, now there’s only five. They’ve been fighting for eleven hours straight. Why are they bothering with the time machine again?
-Nick: “Just a second..Commander Odagiri..Did you say that a calculator sized computer chip was all that this machine needed?"
*Actually Nick that was you, eleven hours ago. After some more retarded techno babble Aileen’s stupid machine is finally fixed and Nick’s free to go help his friends. But do they really deserve to be saved?
-Chokan: “This is no time to rest up, man!" Look! Your friends are in danger!" Nick looks at the screen and witnesses the Jetmen and the Scanrangers almost totally defeated by the villain onslaught.
Nick: "NO! THIS CAN'T HAPPEN TO US! WHERE'S THOSE FREAKIN' ALIENS? LET ME AT 'EM!!!" Nick's adrenaline increases a thousandfold seeing the computer viewscreen.
Chokan: “I thought your friend was drained, Alex-san.."
*“I thought your friend was drained…” And I thought you just acted like that didn’t matter, Chokan.
-Alex: “When Nick's friends are in distress, he could be wounded and still take out a couple of cybercreatures..."
*That doesn’t make me like him more, Vince. Besides, if his friends who’ve been out there fighting the villains for eleven hours straight will soon be as good as new, why should it matter that the guy who spent all that time in the lab is? You’re not implying he’s anywhere as exhausted as people who’ve been fighting for eleven hours would be, are you?
-Actually they do get some use out of the Timerunner: Nick uses it to send himself to the site of the battle, even though his basic Scanranger equipment lets him teleport.
-Narration: Back at the battle, on one side, the Birdman task force were wounded and nearly defeated. Ryu gets up slowly and tries to cover the other four Jetmen. Aside Ryu and his team were the Scanrangers barely able to stand themselves.
*That’s what eleven hours of uninterrupted battle will do to you.
-Jetman: “CHOJIN SENTAI-JETMAN!" they all shouted.
*They all shouted? Usually one member would say “Choujin Sentai” then the whole team would finish “Jetman!”
-Anyway, with Nick there everyone’s finally allowed to use their powers. Brace yourselves for the big battle scene!
Now we know what the south's gonna do again, get eaten by a huge fish. |
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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
Posted - 08/07/2009 : 12:23:50 PM
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Scanranger vs Jetman, part the final
Part 3-http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/5514/jmvssr3.html
-Narration: Grey attempts to strafe Yellow with his machine gun wrists. Kunio keeps stepping out of the way until he gets cornered nearby a cliff face.
*A cliff? In the middle of Tokyo? Yeah, yeah, they probably moved to the traditional gravel pit for the fight, but once again, it isn’t my job to guess things like that.
-Kunio: “WARP SPEED SMASH!" shouted Kunio. His super-mecha film energy enabled him to smash Grey's face in, knocking him out cold. "Did you say 'de feeted at da hands'? Try 'da fist in da face!' Ha! I kill me!"
*Let me help, Moronscanner.
-Narration: Meanwhile, BC was still in the grip of General Ug.
*“BC” in this case stands for Black Condor. This is a bit of a problem because, as you may have noticed, Scanranger has a regular character also called B.C. And with the poor regard for continuity I at first thought the writer had merely lost track of who was fighting who. Why couldn’t he say “Black Condor” instead?
-Narration: Meanwhile, the females have a little catfight of their own. The villainesses, Maria and Vixen, go up against White Swan and PinkScanner.
*Who else would the girls fight but the other girls? It’s funny how Vince has had Toni flippantly remind villains she’s no helpless damsel in distress to show he’s not sexist, but he’s following the typical action movie rules of pairing off during fight scenes.
-Narration: The former Rie snags her with the Necrorod around her neck.
*Says Vince about Maria. Thanks for killing the mystery. And he does it in such an off-handed way, yet plays up Ryu’s suspicions later on.
-Narration: The female Scanranger then calls up her Music film energy……With her sword in hand, she charges at Kaori, but WS jumps over Vixen's shoulder.
*It’s like Vince is avoiding using the character’s legitimate names any way he can.
-Toni: “MAMBO MASHER!"
*That’s the stupidest special attack name EVAH.
-Ako: “BlueScanner! You were wonderful!"
B.C.: “Hey..You weren't so bad yourself, taking out Key like that..Gotta protect the ones I love, you know?"
*After Tran hurts Ako, B.C. goes postal on him with a Three Stooges attack. It’s supposed to be some kind of endearing display of his love for Ako, but come on, it’s Bluescanner, and we’ll have all the more reason to hate his guts real soon.
**Plus, Ako wouldn’t know he was wonderful. She was unconscious while he was pounding Tran.
-Narration: The leader men, Red Hawk and RedScanner duel it out with the villain leaders, Blackorg and Count Radiege.
*We would assume he means someone else by “leaders,” maybe? The monsters are the only other villains left anyway.
-Radiege: “Forget it, Blackorg! The stranger is mine! You can do what you will with Red Hawk!"
*Radiege passes up a shot at Red Hawk to take on Redscanner. Of course. Let me remind everyone Radiege actually beat Redscanner before, it was Kunio who took him down with a surprise attack. Regardless of when this is supposed to take place, you’d think he’d have a bigger grudge against Red Hawk who thwarts his plans on a regular basis. But how many chances would Vince get for his avatar to battle the main villain of Jetman?
-Narration: Radiege punches Red and pulls out the piece of the amulet of Lighkari. Aileen was shocked as she, Chokan, and Alex watch the battle from Skycamp. "No! I won't permit the crystal to be used for evil!" Aileen then flies out to the battle.
*You wouldn’t be in this fix if you’d chosen superheroes with enough responsibility to get up and find the thing in the first place, sweetheart.
-Chokan: “Somehow Radiege must have activated the jewel and added it to his own power..Aileen said it couldn't work without the other piece, stuck in your time period.."
*Holy crap, Vince is actually calling attention to a huge logistical error. This guy is either a master of self-deprecation or the worst writer in history.
-Narration: Vin tosses his Scanlaser at Radiege, knocking it out of his hand
*Hey buddy, there’s lasers in the other end of that thing.
-Narration: Radiege and Blackorg go to pursue Aileen.
Vin: "No! Leave her alone!" shouted RedScanner. Vin goes over to Ryu first, still shivering after taking Blackorg's Oblivion beam shot.
*So Vin tells the villains to leave Aileen alone, but rather than rush to her aid to help protect the all-powerful amulet piece she just recovered, he tends to Red Hawk. Who was saving lives when Vin’s worst enemy was acne. Yeah, by all rights Vin should be slaughtered if he tried to take on Blackorg and Radiege by himself, but when have little things like that ever stopped a hero from trying in one of these shows? The only reason Red Hawk is injured at all is so Vin can have another chance to show how great he is.
-Vin: “If my theory is correct, your Birdnic energy runs in the same frequency as our Film energies..Don't worry about me! I can reenergize through Professor Alex..She can download movie scenes in me and I'll be good as new! But for right now, grasp my hand! Like it or not, I'm giving you a transfusion!"
*Theory? Now he’s just making things up. This has officially devolved into the most self-serving piece of tripe I’ve ever read. Not only does Vin get to take on Count Radiege AND teach Red Hawk a lesson in what it means to lead a superhero team, he saves Red Hawk’s life with a power boost. And afterward Vin still has enough juice to take out Count Radiege. What a Guy!
-Ryu: “Save the congratulations for later, RedScanner..There's still those monsters we have to deal with first!"
Vin: "I see Yellow Owl and GreenScanner fighting it out with those two..Don't worry, buddy..I think they can handle it, Ryu.."
*Vin wants to hang back until their friends actually need help, even though there’s didactic crap in several parts of Scanranger comparing saving the world to making movie: it’s a TEAM effort. And Vince thinks this craphead has something to teach Red Hawk. Saddest of all, he only had to leave out this dialogue and we could’ve assumed all the fights were happening at the same time.
-Nick: “All right! A true test of metal against metal!"
*Uh, the monster’s metal, but Nick isn’t…
-Narration: Green then clips it with another missile shot from his wrist.
*Since when do the Scanrangers have missiles on their wrists?
-Narration: Nick presses the Pause button on the Filmbrace under the other standard buttons, and freezes KuroJaguar in its tracks!
*He pauses the monster! Lamest power ever! Lamest superheroes ever! Not only that, Nick did most of the work beating the monsters; he beat down the Viram one and left the MAYHEM one a sitting duck for Yellow Owl.
**Come to think of Vince has been paying a lot more attention to his characters kicking butt. Three paragraphs were spent on Toni fighting Maria while Kaori beats Vixen in one, a little more space is spent on Kunio fighting Grey than Gai fighting Ug, and Ako knocked Key out in one sentence while B.C. spent paragraphs getting even with Tran. Maybe it’s Vince admitting Jetman gets the job done faster than his heroes, but I dunno.
-Radiege: “CURSE YOU, SCANRANGER! I shall not rest till I rip you all into pieces!!" said a deranged Radiege, thinking Blackorg as RedScanner.
Blackorg: "I don't know what game you are playing, Jetman, but your mirror tricks won't work on me! Die!!!"
Narration: The villains slug it out until Radiege decided to take the donybrook to outer space, back onto Birock, which leaves our heroic sentai teams to deal with the monsters.
*I could be wrong but I think Vince got the villains and the teams they hate more backwards. I don’t know why Vince thinks Viram would take people they believe to be their mortal enemies back to their headquarters to fight it out, either. The episode where Ryu acts like he’s betraying Jetman and Grey kills him anyway would have one think they know better. Ironically, Vince shamelessly rips off that very episode later on.
-Narration: The Jetmen take out the dimensional creature, yet it was not out.
*The first seven words kind of contradict that postulation. Anyway, the monsters are blown up and come back big. Time for the giant robot fight.
-Narration: RedScanner was about to call on the Hollywood Vehicles, until YellowScanner stops him. "Roll ou-"
Kunio: "Wait, Red! If you will recall, we're stuck in the year 1991...we can't call the HV's!!"
Vin: “Good grief, you're right! How can we fight these Godzillas?"
*How can we fight these Godzillas? A dumb line from a world-class dummy. Duh, I’ve traveled into another dimension AND years back in time, my giant robot’ll still come if I call it. I hope Alex is seriously reconsidering her team selection by this point.
**And this is a problem yet they were able to summon up the Camzooka with no trouble? How does that work?
-Alex: “What can we do? Our main weapons are back into the future! We can't fight without them!"
Aileen: "There is a way..but I must activate the amulet piece from your dimension to call in your heavy artillery!" KuroJaguar tries to step on our heroes, while Dozer-Jigen tries to zap them. "It may work!" said Aileen. "..because the crystal in your future is activating the gate....just about now!"
*Immediately the time rip opens so the Scanrangers can call their robot after all. That sure was suspenseful, wasn’t it?
-Chokan: “Jetmen! While they're doing that, call up the Jet Machines to buy them time!"
*Like they wouldn’t have already?
-Dr. Markby: “Takeshi! Look! The HV's are being activated on their own! What does it mean?”
Takeshi: “I don't know..Doc..I hope that they're able to find them…”
*Back at Scanranger’s home base the crew is at a loss to explain the robots suddenly taking off by themselves. What’s funny about the mystery of the self-launching mecha is, in Jetman of all Sentai, once the exact same thing happened: the team lost track of Ryu, but when one of their robots blasted off for no apparent reason they put two and two together and followed it to find him. Let that illustrate what you’re reading.
-Narration: Back in the past, the Jet Machines all fly over the enlarged monsters, blasting them with beams, boulders, and the like, but had no effect on them. Before the monsters were about to swat them, however, the Hollywood Vehicles enter through the portal like the rescuing calvary.
*Aren’t those Scanrangers great?
**You know, what with how a page went by between the Scanrangers realizing they couldn’t call the Hollywood Vehicles, Aileen showing them how they could call the Hollywood Vehicles, the Hollywood Vehicles arriving, and this paragraph comprising literally all the fighting between Jetman and the monsters in the interim, you have to wonder why Vince made such a big deal out of it. If he couldn’t do more to play up Jetman having a hard time until the Scanrangers can join in, couldn’t he at least have simplified the act of the Scanrangers’ mecha making it to Jetman’s dimension? It wasn’t dramatic (if that’s even what he was going for), it was only stupidly drawn out.
-Vin: “Sorry to kept you guys waiting...Got caught in rush hour traffic…”
*I take back everything nasty I ever said about Scanranger. Vince Jones is the funniest guy ever.
-Kaori: “Wow..." said White Swan in amazement.
*White Swan says upon the Scanranger mecha completing their combination. If the story were smarter I’d say picking Kaori to say this was kind of clever. A lot of the profiles of her you can find mention her initial dislike of mecha, but even she’s amazed by Thunder Dolby.
-Narration: And for the first time in sentai history(according to the author here),two mighty giant robots from Japan and America join forces!
*Maybe, although this isn’t dated so who can say. On top of that, we’re talking about a medium where just by saying so the Autobots, the starship Enterprise, the Greenbay Packers and Britney Spears would be involved too, and creating these little dream teams is the very nature of fanfiction, isn’t it?
-Kunio: “Black Condor! Ready for the old one-two?"
Gai: "Yoshi! Right! SHOT PUNCHER!"
Kunio: "SPHINX KNUCKLE!"
*So saying, both Jet Icarus and Thunder Dolby fire their fist weapons at the monsters. I buy Kunio knowing what Jet Icarus’s weapons are, but this happens like the Jetmen would have some way of knowing Thunder Dolby’s.
-Narration: Thunder Dolby poses and gives a thumbs up to Jet Icarus. The two robos then slap a high five.
*Not to blow it for you but the Sentai win. Does winning require them to be such huge dorks? I mean…giant robots doing high fives, are you serious?
-Narration: An hour later, with still only three hours until the crystal's power burns out, the Scanrangers and the Jetman team get to spend their final hours together.
*The text makes the countdown sound urgent, no? But of course they’ll wait until the last minute to go home, because how often do you get to socialize with Jetman??? If the countdown ultimately doesn’t matter, why keep it the way it is?
-Narration: Kunio and Raita hang out in Raita's garden eating tomatoes. They vie in a tomato eating contest to see who ate the most. In a surprising finish, Kunio beats Raita by one tomato.
Raita: "Hey, Kunio! How were you able to eat all of those and still stay skinny? I don't understand..."
Kunio: "Ahhh..I can't tell you that..Ancient Japanese secret..." joked Kunio in a mock Chinese accent.
*Raita wonders how Kunio didn’t gain any weight from their eating contest. Uh, maybe because 1) you guys were eating tomatoes, and 2) you just got finished eating them. He caps it off with a pseudo-joke, one of the limpest in Scanranger’s rich history of anti-humor. It’s even stupider because, and maybe you noticed this, Raita’s Japanese too. That’s not a joke, Vince. Don’t treat it like one.
-Narration: Toni and Kaori take turns trying on outfits at Kaori's mansion.
Toni: "Girl, I've never seen my mom have that many clothes! Where do you shop at?"
Kaori: "Well, since my parents are away, they treated me to the Ginza, New York, and buy the best linen from Paris, I guess you can say all over.."
*Her parents treat her to the Ginza and New York while they’re away? Even buying that’s somehow possible, Vince makes geographic locations sound like designer labels or something.
-Narration: They continue to compare outfits until the two women simultaenously wear the same dress that Kaori normally dresses up in. The two imitate each other like a mirror, making faces and the like.
*What could I possibly add?
-Nick and Gai have a motocross contest and Nick loses but he still gets the last laugh by flipping Gai into the mud. Vince, I have the number of a guy who can shorten your ego real cheap.
-Ryu: “Well, Vin...How did it feel?"
Vin: "I feel that I need to stay on terra firma, dude...The five of you can fly off into the wild blue yonder..." said Vin, feeling very queasy.
Ryu: "You mean you can't find an aerial action movie scene to use against the enemy? I thought you could summon up a great dogfight battle..."
*Vin and Ryu have a virtual duel in a flight simulator and Vin loses the match then his lunch. Because if Vince didn’t balance it out a little, somebody might think he was stroking his ego by writing this. I don’t get Ryu’s last line though. If Vin can visualize a dogfight scene, he becomes a great fighter pilot? That’s a chintzy power.
-Narration: Ryu thought that very funny, since he needed a good laugh despite the continuing battle with Viram, since he was concerned about Maria, who may or may not be his girl, Rie; and also concerned about keeping Gai in line, since he tended to constantly fight with him, yet he kept focused on helping the other Jetmen for once, and not focused so much on himself.
*Um, yeah. What stands out about this sentence (not paragraph, sentence) is Ryu isn’t the least bit tempted to ask these visitors from the future who know so much about his team whether it’s true Maria really is his old girlfriend. Or the other way around, since these are Scanranger’s favorite TV heroes who they’ve gotten to meet and befriend for real. “Gai, on your way to Ryu’s wedding you’ll run into a purse snatcher. Watch out, he’s got a…”
-Nick: “Yeah, man! You're the only one in our little group that holds us all together! I know it's because of Ako, but remember, the space-time continum will be destroyed if we don't get back!"
B.C.: “Nice try, Nick..using the old sentimentality bit..but, come on, Professor..There are others who have great energy and a vivid imagination..I can still remember where I was in 1991..I can avoid seeing myself and it won't make a difference..."
*B.C.’s thinking about staying in the past with Ako. I might point out Nick also used the “imminent collapse of the space-time continuum” bit which doesn’t seem to have gotten through B.C.’s thick skull. This is the main reason I hate Bluescanner: the idiot is prepared to let creation end so he can spend a bit more time with his new girlfriend. The others are almost as bad because they seem prepared to let him do it if they can’t talk him out of staying; after they get back, none of them secretly approach Vin or Alex and ask if they were really going to let B.C. stay. If B.C.’s meant to be thought of as a hero, he shouldn’t even consider something that would result in the end of the universe, no matter how much he loves the girl. He can be pained about it, but he’s going home.
**This, by the way, is why they brought up the Star Trek episode at the beginning of the “movie.” B.C.’s planning on staying behind for the sake of True Love with his high school paramour. Except there isn’t much of a comparison to draw. In the Stark Trek episode, by saving the woman from dying, McCoy changed the outcome of World War II and thus the entire direction of the 20th century onward. In Scanranger vs. Jetman, I don’t know what’s at stake. Assuming Vince doesn’t realize he’s saying B.C. could end the universe, the worst we’re looking at is Alex having to find some other idiot to tell bad jokes.
**Of course in the end B.C. goes back because Scanranger needs his criminally bad joke powers. We’re truly in good hands when someone who actually stopped to consider “continuation of universe vs. nookie” is the glue that holds the team together. To any aspiring writers who might be reading, this isn’t how you do conflict!
-Gai: “You will make a difference.. Trust me, I may be a selfish idiot while on this team, but despite our differences, we are a team. The Scanrangers need you, man..”
*Because while it took Ryu half the show to earn a measure of respect from him, the Scanrangers are so gosh-darn fabulous Gai feels close enough after a whole entire day to admit being a “selfish idiot” to them.
**Then again, Gai could just be saying whatever crap he thinks will get B.C. back to his own time. Yeah, that’s it.
-Narration: B.C. paraphrases a line from a famous Humphrey Bogart film. "Here's lookin' at you, kid..."
*See what I did there?!
-Kaori: “You're really gonna miss him, are you?"
Ako: "Yes..It's not every day that you get to meet the man of your dreams from the future.."
Chokan: "Man of your dreams? Are you kidding?"
*Wasn’t it your idea they go on a date, Chokan?
-Gai: “I'ts a little bit of something that Chokan needs herself..you know..a sense of humor.."
Chokan: "I HEARD THAT!" she replied. "WHAT DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY SENSE OF HUMOR? BESIDES, YOU STILL OWE ME FROM MISSING OUT THE TRAINING SESSION YESTERDAY! DON'T THINK THAT I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN, GAI!" The second in command felt embarrassed, but didn't show it. He quietly curses himself.
Ryu: "What can we say? Same old Chokan.."
*And different Gai, because he wouldn’t care about this. He even quit the team once because he got huffy about them getting all up in his face. And not that they got into Jetman’s chain of command in the show, but who would make someone like Gai the team’s deputy leader? Then again, I’ve been saying since his first scene this isn’t the Gai anyone who’s seen my universe’s version of Jetman knows.
Part 4-http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/5514/jmvssr4.html
-Narration: Meanwhile, Aileen guides Alex and the rangers back to the present time of 1999, exactly where the adventure had began, outside Cape Paramount Base…[Nick] finds a paper rack, and checks the date
*He finds a paper rack out in the woods?
-Vin: “Blast it, Blackorg! After all that the two of our teams had been through, you want to continue?!? Then let's go!! Let's go!" The other Scanrangers, with Alex and Aileen behind them, were poised to battle on.
*The Scanrangers prepare for another round with MAYHEM, but the villains concede to being too tired to slug it out and promise to destroy the Scanrangers another day. Was there any point to this part? Then again that sums up most of the “movie,” doesn’t it?
-Narration: The four villains teleport back to their outer space home base Nebutopia.
*That’s a lot of words to describe such a simple thing.
-Alex: “Good bluff, Vin..Even if we did battle, we would be totally drained also.."
*Even though they spent three hours hanging out with Jetman before coming home.
-Takeshi: “Rangers! Rangers! You've made it! It's great to see you back!" shouted Takeshi, seeing the crew after searching for them for days.
*A little over twenty-eight hours is “days”?
-Kunio: “Takeshi! You won't believe this, but it was awesome! We went back in time, saw our favorite sentai heroes..It was awesome! We fought side by side with Chojin Sentai Jetman!"
Takeshi: "You're joking!"
Toni: "No, he's not..Crazy as it sounds, we went through another dimension and fought with one of your favorite TV heroes!"
Takeshi: "Sure...and I suppose you also met up with Kikaider and Kamen Rider V3.."
*The leader and primary field agents of an elite government task force go missing for “days,” not to mention his own mystification when the Hollywood Vehicles took off by themselves, and Takeshi brushes it all off as a joke. Nobody else seems to wonder where they went either. It’s a good thing such a poorly-run organization is pitted against enemies as inept as MAYHEM.
-B.C.: “I'm sorry, Toni..I know that it's only a TV show..but it felt like that Ako was real, and she was one of very few special friends I've ever known...I don't really know if the real Blue Swallow, Sayuri Uchida, ever really knows me.."
*Just a TV show? If felt like that Ako was real? They went someplace where Choujin Sentai Jetman and their battles with Viram are real, didn’t they, or did I completely miss the point? What really confuses me is the last part. Sayuri Uchida is the actress who played Ako on the show. How would going to another dimension and meeting the real Ako result in the actress knowing B.C.? Thank the lord this is almost over.
-Vin: “Buck up, B.C. Perhaps one day, you will find the girl of your dreams, and if you continue to be successful after your college years, the man above's gonna provide you with exactly what you need.."
Aileen: "Vin is correct, Ben..It provides a lot of hope and patience..It could be any day now.."
*“The man above”…who exactly are we talking about, Vince?
-Aileen: “You have salvaged the amulet, and I can go on back to my time to bring my world back to its normal order...I shall return the favor at any moment when your Scanrangers are in need. Farewell, Scanrangers! Farewell!"
*Despite Aileen’s promise to come to their aid should they need it, she only shows up again when SHE needs THEIR help.
-Narration: Three months later, at Central NJ University, B.C. was on its way to Acting II class, still depressed after the adventure.
*At Central NJ University, as opposed to where? It’s been three months and B.C.’s still moping about his breakup. When I was in college we knew people like that as “babies”.
-Kimiko: "Are you okay?"
B.C.: "I'm sorry.." said B.C. "When I saw you, I thought that you were someone else..a good friend whom I met briefly in Japan.."
Kimiko: "Cool! You're Japanese? So am I! Where are you from?"
B.C.: "Right outside Tokyo..Setagaya area.."
*B.C. meets a new student who happens to look just like Ako. Could this be his reward Vin and Aileen were talking about?
-Kimiko: “I was looking for someone in the class..There was a guy who I really wanted to meet..His name was Ben Shimamura.."
B.C.: "Wow! Your troubles are over, miss, because I am he!"
Kimiko: "Great! Because I need some help with this project for my final!"
*Why did she want to meet B.C. and get his help? Does he actually have a rep at the school for being competent at something? Of course he does, I’m the only one who can’t see what a fantastic guy he is.
-Narration: As B.C talks to his new friend, Professor Alex notices the two. She was about to go over to them and introduce herself, but she decided not to..She smiles, and heads back to her office.
*Yeah, she’ll be meddling in their budding romance soon enough.
-Kimiko: “I've seen something on the Cartoon Network you have her in America..Have you heard of an anime called Wacky Races?" B.C. just realized that that was the same question Ako asked him a few days ago.
*Wow, Kimiko looks just like Ako and is into the same things! It’s like he never had to give her up!
**Vince, B.C. isn’t lovable! He didn’t earn a reward for what he did back there! He earned the pummeling of his life if he earned anything.
**Plus, this says the adventure was days ago. Did I imagine the narration that said it’s been three months since then?
**Plus, Wacky Races, an anime?
-Narration: Up above the campus, Aileen watches. Was it possible that she set things up to have B.C. meet this pretty Japanese woman? Was it possible that Kimmy may be somewhat related to Ako or even her alter-ego Sayuri Uchida, who played the Blue Swallow character? Good questions all.
*Since a second Jetman crossover came and went without answering any of them, it seems good questions is all they’ll ever be.
Now we know what the south's gonna do again, get eaten by a huge fish. |
Edited by - hk6909 on 08/23/2009 12:52:37 PM |
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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
Posted - 08/07/2009 : 12:35:37 PM
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X-Mas Special-Season’s Greetings! A Super Sentai Scanranger Christmas
Summary: Blackorg learns about Christmas and decides to teach the world to celebrate him instead of Jesus by sending his flunkies to wreck a grade school class’s Christmas tree. Where’s Bibleman when you need him? Fortunately (?) Danger Woman (remember her from 17?) comes to the Scanrangers’ rescue when all seems lost.
Monster: KuroTannebaum
URL: http://www.geocities.com/tetsuokurata/xmasepi1.html
Rating: JJJJJ
Rants-
-Narration: It was a week before Christmas, and was a cold start for the beginning of winter, and for the first time in years; a blanket of snow covered the entire state.
*Remember when this sentence says things are taking place.
-Narration: Obviously, the fall semester was over, and the students left for the semester.
*Yeah, you’d think so with Christmas a week away. Don’t the Scanrangers have anybody to spend the holidays with besides each other? Even the Carrangers did.
-Narration: Nick was playing a version of Scrooge, dressed in old English clothes, while Vin played one of the Christmas ghosts.
*Isn’t that what the default Scrooge would wear? I also love how Vince doesn’t say which ghost Vin plays. No it’s not a big deal, but, well, it’s not a big deal. There’s only three, do you love them all so much you can’t pick?
-Blackorg: “What is this..Christmas?”
Anark Key: “Actually, my Lord, it’s a holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ. Eons ago, he was alleged born around this time, since his birth would make a great impact on the earth. His parents gave him gifts, which represents love, and he was claimed in those times to be the savior of the world..”
Vixen: “Why should he be commended for giving? It’s all about taking, for ourselves, and for the glory of MAYHEM!”
*This is one thing I’m glad the story’s explaining, but as usual there’s a couple things that don’t work. The three wise men are the ones known for giving baby Jesus gifts, not Mary and Joseph. Key saying Jesus was claimed to be the savior of the world when he was alive is selling things short. There are millions of people today who believe Jesus is the savior of the world even though He hasn’t walked among us for hundreds of years. Key’s the member from Earth, remember. If anyone should know that it’s him. Lastly, Vixen makes it sound like Jesus is the one who gives things out on Christmas, doesn’t she, not a fat guy in a red suit.
-Blackorg: “Where is this so-called being called Christ? If he’s human, why isn’t he protecting their world? If that should be the case, then the humans should worship me!! I am the protector of their world, protecting them from my wrath! The humans shall worship the true savior, I, Lord Blackorg!!!”
*Apparently ruling the world doesn’t require you to be able to form a coherent thought.
-Vin: “Once we’re done, and we’ve all finished our little performance, then we’ll have a party and a special surprise for everyone!”
*I wish I knew what surprise Vin meant. I don’t think we ever find out. The only thing I can think of is Danger Woman performing for the kids at the end of the story, but she seems to have come because a little girl needed her encouragement then stuck around to perform because she was already there.
-A kid: “Oh, that’s Sarin, Miss Montanez. Sometimes she’s a little crazy in the head, talking to herself, and waves her hand all over in the air like she was flying a plane..”
Another kid: “Yeah..She’s stupid or something..”
Toni: “Don’t you dare say that! How can you be so cold to your own classmate like that? She’s just as special and unique as any one of the kids here!”
B.C.: “Miss Montanez is right! Sarin is just like every other kid..She has special talents, just like you..”
*I agree it’s mean, but that’s how kids act. Nagging and scolding doesn’t work unless they have a reason to be scared of you, and the Scanrangers are just too darn nice.
-A kid: “Well, if she’s so special, Mr.Shimamura, ..where are her parents? Why was she sent to that DPOC place?”
B.C.: “What DPOC place?”
Teacher: “I’ll explain everything..Sarin was just recently released from there..Some federal laws showed that they didn’t need her any longer..”
*Here the story attempts an emotional subplot (which is what Christmas [should be] about after all), but as usual ends up being anything but. Sarin was sent to some kind of government facility, but not only are we never told why or what they hoped to achieve for her, we aren’t even told what “DPOC” stands for. Nothing Google turned up sounds like the hellish place Sarin and Danger Woman went.
-Toni: “Those kids didn’t mean what they said, and Mr. Shimamura knows that you’re a good person..”
*Toni tracks down and tries to cheer up a forlorn Sarin. That’s a great way to make her feel better, saying B.C. knows she’s a good person. Mr. Shimamura, a man so emotionally stunted he was prepared to trade in all of creation for another half an hour with his new girlfriend, and this is coming from a friend so emotionally stunted she and the others seemed prepared to let him do it. That’s someone whose confidence you can be proud of having.
-Toni: “You have special talents that are so great everyone wished they could be just like you..”
*Toni continues from above. I realize people tend to embellish things when trying to be nice to kids, but that’s trying too hard and too little at the same time. Too hard by saying everyone wants to be just like Sarin, which is just a lie, and not hard enough by having no reason, no matter how stupid, for what makes her special.
-Narration: Meanwhile, in Toms River, the enigmatic heroine, Danger Woman was with one of her Danger Force allies, Super Nova of ECW. They themselves were at a Christmas function.
*Continuing the trend of acronyms that aren’t explained, I see. Is Super Nova in Extreme Championship Wrestling? The Energy Center of Wisconsin? The Egregiously Crappy White people?
-Danger Woman: “I’ve picked up something from my Danger Sense! My colleagues in crime, the Scanrangers, are in need of my help!”
*Colleagues in crime, huh? With so many incorrect words and phrases being thrown around I wonder if they know what they’re saying.
-Narration and Super Nova: Before DW flew out, she stopped as Super Nova had given her Christmas gift..”Merry Christmas,lady!"
Danger Woman: “Watch your mail! You’ll get your package soon enough!”
Narration and Super Nova: As DW flies off, SN thought to himself “I hope that doesn’t mean like my ‘check is in the mail..’”
*Uh……..what???
-Vixen: “I’ve found our object! Prepare the coordinates to teleport the object back to base, and infuse with our MAYHEM technology! Oh, yes! After these fools return, they shall have an unhappy holiday!”
Narration: Key teleports the holiday tree. Ug breaks off one of the branches, and leaves it near where the tree was located.
*The bad guys sneak into the school and send the Christmas tree back to HQ to turn it into a monster. What’s with breaking off the branch? Is Ug marking the spot so nobody asks, “Wasn’t the tree three feet over that way?” Number one, that doesn’t seem like something the big dumb oaf who not two minutes ago thought a jack-in-the-box was a booby trap would think of, and number two, once again why am I left to fill in the blanks?
-Narration: KuroTannebaum was a mutated and artificial Christmas tree monster, similar to the cybercreatures from past battles. It was armed with ornament balls, tinsel garland, and a sword candy cane. At the same time, while Toni waited for Sarin, the little girl noticed Vixen, Ug, and Key marveling at their new creation. The three never noticed her.
*Sarin sees the villains turning the tree into a monster. Gee, will anyone believe her with her reputation? I’m confused by the part where it says the new monster is “similar to the cybercreatures from past battles.” How’s it different?
**Oh, and it’s TanneNbaum.
-Toni: “Well, where was it? Toni then looks and notices, “Are you sure that there was a tree with great big teeth?”
*Toni comes back with Sarin to look into the little girl’s claims of a monster tree. As usual it’s a little thing that grabs my attention: what does Toni notice?
-Toni: “Well, It looks like nothing has happened here..I don’t know, girl..I’m getting a little worried about your stories..Let’s go back..”
*What happened to the blather about Sarin being special and all the other kids wishing they could be like her? Now it’s “I’m getting a little worried about your stories.” Let’s keep in mind Toni’s a superhero who sees real aliens and monsters all the time.
-Toni: “Danger Woman! What a surprise! To what we owe this honor?”
Danger Woman: “Trouble..” said DW as she turns back to the little girl.
*And the Sentai Songbird of Justice makes her dramatic entrance. Is Sarin’s emotional turmoil the trouble she’s talking about? Or can the villains’ nefarious plan wait until the troubled child is calmed down?
-Sarin: “I’m so glad you’re here..There’s this big ugly monster tree inside the room and three bad people went and did something to it and it looked very scary and it had big teeth!”
Danger Woman: “I see..and I overheard with my Danger Sense hearing that you were in a DPOC place..You know what, Sarin? So was I.. I was a DPOC myself..”
*At least that sort of tells us Sarin’s problems are what DW meant by “trouble,” if in an asinine fashion. “There’s a monster and three bad people are…” “That’s nice kid, now listen to my story.” While it’s nice Danger Woman wants to cheer Sarin up, isn’t now maybe not the best time, if there’s indeed the possibility that MAYHEM’s around? Or anybody capable of creating a “big ugly monster tree”? Because the villains round up the rest of the class while the girls are bonding with Sarin.
-Toni: “I’ll call the other guys and see if they can help out..”
Danger Woman: “Don’t worry, PinkScanner..I know who you are, and you already know my secret identity..Your secret’s safe with me..Let the boys look after the other children..”
*I’m a little worried by this. This is the second time Danger Woman responds to something nobody brought up. How would Toni know her secret identity, in any case? DW never appeared out of costume. Unless it happened “off-camera,” it didn’t happen.
-Danger Woman: “I remember trying to rescue a younger sibling who was incarcerated there without a fair trial or a hearing or even the right to go to school. They had me incarcerated and did some very bad things to me. They gave me lethal doses of prescription drugs and zapped me with Z-Rays. I too, was also threatened with a death sentence, when the bad people decided to have me put to death. Then something inside me snapped and I was able to break free and gave them what for! The bad ones in charge escaped, but the doctor in charge of this DID NOT and was brought to justice..I have been using my powers in the name of justice. They had no right in locking you up without a fair trial or even a hearing or even the right to go to school under the American Special Education Laws!! Until I reached 30, I had to battle for the purpose of having compensory education…”
*Holy crap. That’s what happens to you in DPOC? That’s downright inhuman, it puts everything MAYHEM ever did to shame. Look at the last two sentences, though. Is Danger Woman saying the problem is getting proper education for differently-abled children? We were talking about death sentences and torture a little while ago! Catching the people doing that to kids sounds like a slightly higher priority to me, so there’s any kids left to get special education.
-Sarin: “Really?”
Danger Woman: “Yes, indeed..There was even a bad man who went against the Supreme Court pardon of the disabled, Governor Roy Barnes..But my friends were able to help me, and the governor apologized for his rash action and for violating my civil rights!”
*Continuing Danger Woman’s tirade against the forces of corruption. I love the last part. The governor apologized for violating my civil rights…by torturing and trying to kill me! But it’s really about rights and special education for disabled people! What am I supposed to be taking away from the speech?
-Hope you enjoyed Sarin’s subplot, because there’s three and a half pages to go and it’s lightly touched on one more time.
-Toni: “Vin! Guys! What’s wrong?”
Vin: “Everything! While we were getting ready for rehearsal, the tree, the kids, and Professor Alex had all disappeared! We need a hand here!”
*Where is everybody in relation to each other? Toni went with Sarin to check out the tree, I’d presume they’re still in that general area as it never said they left. How would Vin know the tree disappeared? It didn’t say everyone else clambered in while the girls were trying to cheer up Sarin. What a mess.
-Toni: “Right! I’ve got a friend here who can give us a helping hand!”
*Why is Toni vague? She could say something as simple as “Danger Woman’s here to help.” For all Vin knows Toni’s talking about Sarin, who she wants to help feel special by letting the kid tag along on a Scanranger mission.
-Narration: PinkScanner teleported to the scene and DW flew Sarin over to the cafeteria.
*Yeah, bring the kid. All her classmates disappeared, what could happen to her?
-Vixen: “Like our Christmas present, folks, courtesy of our master, Lord Blackorg? It’s only a sample of how things will be run on this area of the city, and then your country to follow!”
*As if there could be any doubt, MAYHEM is behind the class’s disappearance.
-Kid: “You mean woman! You can’t spoil Christmas!”
Anark Key: “Ah, but we have, little one! And to show you that we’re not joking, I’ll take one of your precious ornaments and smash it to pieces!” The children began to become very frightened.
Alex: “No! You wouldn’t ruin these gifts for these special children! What kind of people are you?”
*He’s going to break an ornament. Alex makes it sound like Key has a knife to one of the kids’ throats and the kids themselves act like he just issued a death threat too. It’s the lamest thing the villains have ever done and it’s treated like the most evil. It’s just a thing. Christmas is supposed to be about loving your fellow man, not the pretty ornaments and presents. Didn’t How the Grinch Stole Christmas teach us anything? Maybe the ornaments are supposed to embody the kids’ holiday spirit, but aren’t those the same kids who were being mean to Sarin for being different? That never gets resolved, and doesn’t show a lot of love for your brothers and sisters.
-Narration: As Key was about to break the child’s ornament, a wired microphone came and hit him on the back of his neck! The ornament fell, but a shield came and caught the ornament before it broke! It was PinkScanner’s Movie Splicer Shield!
*I have an idea, how about saving the kids first and worrying about the decorations later? Christmas isn’t very merry in the morgue.
-Danger Woman: “I am Danger Woman! Sentai ally to those in need!”
*“Sentai” means, basically, “team.” I have no idea what “sentai ally to those in need” means. I wonder if Danger Woman does.
-Danger Woman: “And in the name of the zoo-going children of the world, we will..”
Danger Woman and PinkScanner: “DECK YOUR HALLS!”
*The zoo-going children of the world? That’s not random.
-Narration: The other four male rangers, Red, Blue, Green, and Yellow also arrive on the scene.
*Oh, those other four male rangers.
-Nick: “We’re here to deck their halls also!”
*That’s pitiful, guys, reusing the same (lame) entrance line as the girls. How about, “Here’s justice nipping at your nose!” or maybe “Time to trim the bad guys!” Those are lame, but they’re better than the same dumb threat used twice.
-Kids: “YAYY! IT’S THE POWER RANGERS!”
B.C.: “Geez..We still don’t get no respect!”
*You might want to deserve some first.
-Anark Key: “Rats! Now we’ve got all of the Scanrangers to deal with!”
*Except SilverScanner. Regardless, this is a weird thing to say since all five Scanrangers show up before the introductions are even over.
-Narration: BlueScanner teleports and distracts General Ug and flew a toy plane his way. The muscle-bound henchman chases it, enabling Alex and Rosewood to get the other children to safety.
*Have I mentioned lately that MAYHEM are the worst villains ever?
-Vin: “All that time decorating that tree for those innocent kids..and look what those villains did to it!”
*This is at least after MAYHEM tried to murder the attendees of a Valentine’s Day dance. Wrecking a Christmas tree kind of pales in comparison.
-Phantom Highlander: “Trees are an important part of the world’s energy source! It was reasonable the Scanrangers didn’t want it destroyed. That villain-created tree, however, is not real!”
*In the style of the far superior Tuxedo Kamen, Phantom Highlander arrives with a bit of advice when all seems lost. Except this isn’t just advice that inspires the main characters to overcome the problem, it’s a flat-out deus ex machina. How does he know Kurotannebaum isn’t a real tree?
**Plus it didn’t seem like the Scanrangers were holding back to preserve the tree because it has the kids’ ornaments or is “an important part of the world’s energy source” (how does he mean, anyway?). As soon as a tree starts walking around shooting lasers and slashing people with swords all concerns for things like that are off, and if these clowns are any kind of heroes they’d think so too. Yeah it might hurt the kids’ feelings their precious decorations had to be destroyed to stop the monster, but is that worse than the alternative? “I hate you stupid Power Rangers! You let the monster kill Bobby and Suzie!” I’ve said this in other rants but isn’t the fact that the heroes can’t always achieve a flawless victory one of the things that sets Super Sentai apart from Power Rangers? Not that you could tell that from the average Sentai Christmas episode, but still…It’s not as if one of the kids was turned into a monster or something.
-Alex: “What’s this? How about that? The tree that was missing was back here all along! It even has all the ornaments that the kids made, too! I get it! MAYHEM just merely made a copy of the tree!” The children was excited their real tree was safe.
*That’s handy, although it was said otherwise before (“Key teleports the holiday tree.”). It’s great a mere symbol doesn’t have to be destroyed to save the day, otherwise Christmas would be ruined.
-Kunio: “Danger Woman! May I do the honors?”
Danger Woman: “As long as I be of assistance, YellowScanner.”
*Why does Danger Woman insist on taking part of whatever Kunio has in mind?
-Narration: Calling up his Sci-Fi/Anime Film Energy, Mikey becomes one with, of all things, a Rankin/Bass Christmas special. He uses one of the popular characters, the Heat Miser(from The Year Without a Santa Claus), as the fictional character surrounded KuroTannebaum with a ring of fire. “Now! WARP SPEED SMASH!” YellowScanner punches the cybercreature into the fire! It’s branches were burning.. (Yes, this qualifies as anime, as the R/B holiday specials were animated by the Japanese).
*That’s a big stretch to make sure you work a mention of a Christmas movie into this episode. Why couldn’t B.C. whip up a Red Ryder BB gun and shoot the monster’s eye out?
-Danger Woman and narration: “She shouted, “DANGER KARAOKE MICROPHONE!” She swings it at the cybercreature, and KuroTannebaum shattered into pieces like glass, then explodes!
*Yeah, don’t want to shock you but the “good guys” win and Christmas is saved. Bet you were worried.
-Narration: Later, at Stephen J. Cannell Hall, Danger Woman does her Holiday Hero Concert, where she presented Super Nova with her Christmas Gift- A copy of her CD, Encore.
*Is this the surprise Vin promised at the beginning of the story for the kids? Could we get some confirmation? What’s that about Super Nova’s present? As if that wasn’t confusing enough the first time we saw him.
-Narration: For the Scanrangers, she got them all inducted officially into her team of heroic allies, The Danger Force Alliance. Although SilverScanner was recovering from his last battle, RedScanner accepted his induction on his behalf.
*The rest of the story is a series of random bullet points like this, and a couple are confusing like this too. What battle is SilverScanner injured from? This episode is treated as canon, after all. A teensy of bit of effort giving it a place in the timeline would’ve been nice.
-Narration: After the party was over, Professor Alex and the Scanrangers gave Danger Woman a special gift, which she and Phantom Highlander can call upon when things get messy. Their own giant robots: The Danger Dy Na Mo and The Phantom Slingshot!
*Of course none of the kids asked, “How come I don’t get a giant robot for Christmas?”
-Narration: Then, it was time to go help Santa Deliver the toys for all the children, so the Scanrangers said goodbye to our heroic allies.
*Okay, that’s completely out of nowhere. If you’re going to involve Old Saint Nick, shouldn’t MAYHEM have gone for the jugular and taken over the North Pole? It even would’ve been believable Santa needed help to make his deliveries on time. Then again, that’s what they did when the Power Rangers made a Christmas special (http://progressiveboink.com/archive/mightychristmas.html) But no, they go help Santa make his rounds because darn it, that’s just what superheroes would do in Christmas specials. And in case this isn’t stupid enough, let me remind everyone they’re leaving to do this a week before Christmas.
-Narration: And what of MAYHEM? Well, they DID NOT get nothing for Christmas! Not even a lump of coal!
*So what did they get?
Now we know what the south's gonna do again, get eaten by a huge fish. |
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Greenhornet
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1791 Posts |
Posted - 08/16/2009 : 11:50:57 AM
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Toni: “Now, in this situation, we see Dr.McCoy in a serious, life-death decision..Shall he save his future lover,resulting in happiness and marriage, or will the entire Earth suffer because of a man's sacrifice? As you know, this person will be responsible for saving lives in the future…”
*Wow, it’s an ironic counterpoint to what happens in this story! Except “will the entire Earth suffer because of a man’s sacrifice” is a stupid question. The world suffered until McCoy made his sacrifice: because he saved a woman who historically died, the Allies lost World War II. I’m not even a Trekkie and I know that. I’ll get into why this is an idiotic comparison when the time comes, but once again I’ll say Vince Jones might want to look into something called “fact-checking”.
Yeah, and if Vince had checked, he would have known that Dr. McCoy didn't make ANY "descision", Kirk held him back. And what's this "future lover ... marrage" stuff? There was no indication that McCoy and Edith got hooked up. For all we know, Bones got killed while saving her.
"The Queen is testing poisons." CLEOPATRA, 1935 |
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Scanranger last time, specials
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