Home     |     Reviews      |       Forum         |      Nuggets        |      Events       |       Links    

Lori

Little Lori’s B-Fest Diary for the Year 1999.

I have the pleasure of working with Ken, and after some years of prodding, I decided to cave in and go. I know I shouldn’t say this, especially on a site as devoted to bad movies as this is, but I do not have a strong passion about bad movies. I would rather not watch a bad movie. However, I am open-minded and I like to make fun of stuff as much as the next guy, so off I went to my First B-Fest.

I had fun. No one paid me to say that although I was reimbursed the ticket price (Ken’s idea). On the way, my boyfriend said to me: "I hope for your sake, and mine, that you are not the only girl there." I’m glad to say that I wasn’t. I don’t think it matters what gender you are, if you like something, then go. But I do think I saw some girlfriends that were probably dragged along.

Oh, I’m not going to write about the short subjects because, while, hokey, they were not as memorable to me. I remember some of them, but I’d rather not leave anything out from the movies. I’m sure some of these other diaries will be much more comprehensive than mine.

I finally found Norris Center and stumbled in with my blankets and pillows and what should be the first movie to be shown but Fiend without a Face. I had the great pleasure of viewing this just a few months ago, and I immediately felt comfortable and had high hopes for the rest of the night because this of all movies should be first. The great stop-motion brains-with-spinal-cords-and-feelers-that-burst-and-spurt-blood-when-shot-at-fiends were like old friends and I looked around with a glow of joy as people made funny comments I understood and not so funny comments which flopped. It was like I was at home. But seriously, those special effects were a-maze-ing.

The next movie was The Spider. I tell you, I really admire the filmmakers back then. To decide that a close-up of a tarantula walking amongst models of caves and a town takes courage to believe that your audience will believe you. It’s too bad that audiences nowadays need everything to look so real. Then the overacting of some of the cast, especially the main girl saying (not screaming) a canned "Ahh!" as she jumped (accidentally of course!) ONE foot into the spider’s web, provided a rash of overacting from some of the less modest moviegoers at B-Fest. Sometimes these people were about, oh, say a million times funnier than what was actually on the screen. They were well prepared too: strings of lights, slide whistles, (annoying) laser pointers, and flashlights. Those kept me at least awake most of the night.

I find that I’m not saying much about the movies. I’m sorry, I just want to the reader that if you aren’t interested in the movies you are watching then someone else is bound to be doing or saying something interesting. That’s why I may be writing a bit more about the other doings than the actual movies. Anyway, this helps boost energies. I really liked the interactivity between the film and the audience. (I like how pretentious that sounds.)

It’s a good thing the first two movies were rockin’ because Fearless Vampire Killers was not. It was in color, which was new on the eyes since the first two movies were in black and white. And there were two buxom beauties, scantily clad sometimes, which kept my attention sometimes. That’s about all the good things I can say about the movie. It was a bad, bad, lowdown movie, and not even really worthy to make fun of. The characters were bumbling idiots which wasn’t that cute if it was trying to be. The story was convoluted. And nothing happened. It wasn’t that scary, and it failed to be lighthearted. We were all quite happy when it finally got done.

Ah, next was Return of the Ape Man. This was a favorite because it created an appetite for Bela Lugosi (and we all knew what immortal film was to be shown next). This movie didn’t have much of a plot either. The only thing that happened was Bela changing jackets at least ten times (if not more) during the course of the one hour movie. This was acted out gleefully by a member of the audience. I’m not sure what else happened in the movie. You can’t really hear the dialogue very well for any of the movies because everyone in the audience is saying stuff at the screen. That’s okay because the dialogue here is so inane that it doesn’t really matter what is being said. So that’s my brief (ha!) explanation of why I don’t remember anything else about Return of the Ape Man.

We had a lucky break and some lucky girl won the first raffle prize of the night: the soundtrack to Orgy of the Dead with (I hope this is true) comments by Criswell. I wish I would have one that. My birthday is coming up (hint, hint). Just Kidding!

The movie we were all waiting for came next. The cumulation of the evening was right then: the illustrious Plan 9 From Outer Space. The audience was so psyched! A tradition is every time a spaceship appears on the screen, everyone is supposed to throw a paper plate because that’s what the spaceships in the movie are supposed to be. That was so fun! I really like John Breckenridge’s part in the movie – the leader of the ‘aliens’ who are implementing Plan 9. He is so funny, even though he is not supposed to be. Since it was 1:15ish in the morning, I dozed off for the last twenty minutes or so of the movie. It’s a great movie, and I love it dearly, but I don’t think I haven’t slept through some part of it while watching it. A paper plate banged me in the back of the head about five minutes to the end, so I was wide awake for the end credits. The audience participation for that movie gets an A+ from me.

One word: Zardoz. Five words: Sean Connery in a loincloth. That’s all that needs to be said. It seems that the tradition of this movie, at least for guys (and my findings should be well-founded since I talked to two guys about this), is that they see it when they are ten. They remember a big floating head and really weird stuff with a crazy explanation for it all. So they vaguely remember it and when they see it again it’s "Oh it’s that weird movie." Yes, it is a weird movie. I feel so sorry for Sean Connery. At least there are some scantily clad women riding bareback on horses and stuff like that. So, I’ll probably remember as much as those two guys did, except that this was my first time viewing it and I’m 21. I’m not sure if I want to see it again to vaguely remember glimpses of a floating head. Oh, I fell asleep for about the last twenty minutes of this movie too. A loincloth or something banged me in the back of the head this time to wake me up. (Note: That’s not true; don’t get scared.)

My favorite movie of the night, er, morning was Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Bright Technicolor; a groovin’ soundtrack; nudity; sex scenes; a crazy killer; and a transvestite in reverse all rolled up into one. This movie offered everything. And I can’t believe Roger Ebert wrote the screenplay. For anyone who has seen Austin Powers, that one line: "It’s my happening, baby, and it freaks me out!" comes directly from here. The dialog is so outrageous and so are the characters. The plot twists are unbelievable. I had fun with the movie. There was never a dull moment; crazy moments, sure, but no real lull. Considering it was about 3:50 a.m. when it was on, I needed a boost like that.

So, when Reefer Madness started showing at 5:40 in the morning or so, I was bedding down. This movie is so dumb. I don’t like to talk about it. It is really far-fetched and the plot is unreal. I can’t believe it is supposed to be a serious or "educational" movie about marijuana’s effects on a person (and society at large). I’ve never smoked marijuana, so I don’t really know if my arguments are well-founded, but if I never saw this movie again it would be too soon. I don’t mean to be so MEAN about this movie. I just don’t find it interesting enough to talk about.

I did bed down after that. I wanted to watch The Tingler and then go home. Well, I won’t talk about Terror From the Year 5000; Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent; or Robot Monster. I’m sorry. I won’t talk about anything after The Tingler either. I thought that 18 hours at my first B-Fest was good enough.

The Tingler. I heard about this movie and I wanted to see the big fuss. Vincent Price was scary as a mad scientist. You know what. I can’t remember this movie very well. I wanted to write one good review for you about the movie, and now all I think I can say is that it was clever. When the big bug thing attacks someone in a theater in the movie, and then the screen goes to black and Vincent Price is telling everyone in the theater to stay calm. And then the bug is seen going into the projectionist’s booth (in the movie), and the next scene, the bug is walking the white screen of the film so its shadow is projected. This way it looks like it could be in our very own projection room!!! Scream! as loud as you can because this is the only thing to calm the bug down so it won’t attack! The gimmicky mind of William Castle is showcased well in this movie.

That’s it. I heard the last movie of the whole shebang, Destroy All Monsters! was beautiful and in excellent shape. I’m sure everyone who reads this can’t wait to go next year! Remember: I’m new to this. I know that I won’t be able to use that excuse next year. I apologize deeply for not including my thoughts on the short subjects. I’m glad Ken invited me and I got off my high horse and went. I’m already roped into going next year. Maybe I won’t let Ken reimburse me next year.

MAYBE.

Until next year,

Little Lori