Home     |     Reviews      |       Forum         |      Nuggets        |      Events       |       Links    

Susie Q.

Which one word would I use to describe B-Fest?

Well, I’m not sure, but it wouldn’t be ‘Zardoz’. Hate that movie. Not even Sean Connery in a loincloth can make up for its complete hideousness. Actually, I think the one word I would choose is ‘cholesterol’. Easy Cheese, food of the Gods.

After arriving in cold, windy Chicago I was whisked by the ever-gracious Ken, A of J, who was not only a bastion of warmth and Easy Cheese but also a font of Bad Movie Facts, from the cold and windy platform of some El station somewhere (I know Chicago? Hardly.) to the Northwestern University Campus (did I mention it was cold and windy?). I met the irrepressible Mr. Milroy along the way, and by great good fortune got to sit betwixt the two in the auditorium.

I was prepared, what with my newly purchased fuzzy sleeping bag thingy, and Easy Cheese. Ken supplied not only my admission cost, but the biggest collection of lip-smackingly yummy junk food it has been my pleasure to see since my best friend quit smoking dope.

Truly, he is a man among men.

So, on to the movies!

Fiend Without a Face

A fine example of the ‘props we had on hand so we put them in the movie’ genre. You say you inherited your uncle’s Canadian Air Force uniform? One of our heroes could be part of . . . the Canadian Air Force! Yeah, that’s it.

I enjoyed the Fiends, sort of tadpole-looking brain things. Did you know brains can jump? Neither did I. They can also inchworm along fast enough to catch full grown adult human beings who have all their original arms and legs. Well, well, live and learn.

Candy for Your Health (short)

Eat candy, live longer. I bet the American Diabetic Association has something to say about this.

Species II trailer

Proof that filmmakers today are just as capable of creating total dreck as any director of yore. Only with naked chicks.

Earth vs. The Spider

This is one of my all time favorite Bad Movies. I just love it. I was thrilled that they played it. Giant unexplained bug (yeah, arachnid, I know) eating people all over the place. What can beat that? Well, actually, the sheer brazenness of having the local students break into the school gym where the semi-dead spider is lying curled on its back after a semi-fatal dose of insecticide, go ‘Oooooooo, icky’ and decide . . . to have a sock hop. Right next to the spider. They never look at it again (mistake) until, presumably as maddened by the awful music as I, it regains consciousness and runs away screaming. OK, it really doesn’t scream ‘cause spiders can’t make any sounds but I am sure it wanted to. It stomps the town and gets killed in its own den, end of story.

Fearless Vampire Killers

This is the second time I have seen this movie, and it was just as unfunny and pointless this time. Roman Polanski, stick to drama. Notable as the movie where Roman fell in love with, and afterward eventually married, Sharon Tate. Notable in no other respect whatsoever.

Return of the Ape Man

I slept through this.

What is Communism? (short)

I admit I missed this the first time around but since they showed it again just before we left I will tell you now that I was embarrassed to be from the same country as the ignorant mothers who made this. Pishers.

Man Made Monster Compilation

Yeah, I slept through this one too, ya wanna make something of it?

Wizard of Speed and Time (short)

This was too cool for words. I can only imagine how many illicit substances were consumed during the conception and creation of this short. I don’t take drugs, but if I did I would want to watch this about 200 times. This guy’s universe is beyond bizarre. Who thinks up something like this? ‘Hey, I want to make a short film about . . . a guy who runs really fast! And I’ll star in it and score it myself and do all the stop motion animation! It’ll be great!’

Plan Nine from Outer Space

This is a movie that can only be watched with other people, never by yourself. Know your cast. Bring paper plates. It is helpful if you can distinguish between night and day.

Also, that furniture is clearly wicker, not rattan. Rattan has much wider strips of stuff while wicker has narrow strips. Duh.

Wizard of Speed and Time (short) again

This short makes just as much sense backward as forward. I rest my case re: drugs.

Zardoz

I hate this movie.

Blue Hawaii (short)

I slept through this too. Shut up.

Slaves in Bondage (short)

What the heck was this? I must have been really soundly asleep. Jeez.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

This movie was absolutely terrific in a time-capsule ‘the 60’s weren’t nearly as cool as they like to think they were’ way until the last 10 minutes or so. Awesome clothes, amazing . . . well, acting isn’t the right term, maybe emoting? . . . Dialogue to die for (‘It’s my happening, baby, and it freaks me out!’) and some wonderful ‘do your own thing, it’s good for you’ philosophy but THE LAST TEN MINUTES WERE COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY AND DISGUSTING. The dude with breasts kills everyone. Roger Ebert, you owe me 2 hours of my life back.

Reefer Madness

Guess what I did during this one? If you said ‘slept’, you win a prize.

Mime Sex (short)

I will not acknowledge that I saw this. It never happened. I will deny it to my last breath.

Terror From the Year 5000

I don’t remember much about this except that some dude was doing bad things with a time-machine-like structure and a chick walked around in a silver lame jumpsuit. Something was wrong with her face, as I recall. Also, a dead mutant cat is thrown into a lagoon and the hero dives in to retrieve it. I think that the bottom of a lagoon is a good place for a dead mutant cat, so I lost sympathy with the protagonist right there.

Viking Women and the Sea Serpent

I slept. Chicks with big racks and a sea serpent. Not interesting.

Robot Monster

This was phenomenally cheesy. When Ro-Man, our erstwhile bad guy in a gorilla suit and old-fashioned diving helmet, is talking to his lord and master or whatever on the ‘videophone’, he walks behind a TV set frame and looks into the camera from behind the frame. This is the indication that you are seeing him from the lord’s POV; he is now an image on a video screen. Several times they neglected to notice that you can see his gorilla suit sticking out past the edges of the TV. You gotta love a movie that cares so little for common sense. The diving helmet was a nice touch.

The Tingler

A nasty little booger who seems to be related distantly to the Fiends grows on your spine when you get scared but can be killed or at least drastically disheartened when you scream. Vincent Price outacts everyone, and a mute lady buys it.

Dr. Coke Eneday

I was awake for this, but frankly don’t have the faintest clue what it was. I believe there was a detective type and I clearly remember the Fish Blower (what kind of a job is that!?!?) and there were cocaine issues. If someone ever figures out the plot, don’t tell me ‘cause I won’t care.

Creeping Flesh

Hammer Films!! Uptight British guys taking very seriously large-scale silliness in glorious color! Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing are just the greatest. The monster in this was at first merely a skeleton, eventually resurrected and re-fleshed by getting wet. Pete discovers by accident that the huge malformed skeleton will grow a fleshy covering when water is spilled on one finger by accident. He cuts the finger off and performs experiments. Frankly, I thought the cut-off finger was really, uh, reminiscent of . . . OK, it was Freudian. He injects the blood of this nasty thing into his daughter, who becomes wildly excited and shows lots of skin, kills someone and I can’t remember what all else. Many things happen, including a convenient rainstorm, and somebody (not the skeleton) gets a finger removed. I won’t tell you who to preserve the surprise.

Girls’ Town

Mel Torme as a juvenile delinquent. Paul Anka as a heartthrob. Mamie Van Doren wears tight clothes. That pretty much covers it.

Destroy All Monsters

Weird space chicks in sparkly silver jumpsuits(apparently the color of choice for space chicks, see Terror From the Year 5000) want to conquer Earth, or something, and they let all the monsters out to do it. Many Monster Stomps and multi-monster battles later, the Earth is safe. Whew.

• I won a prize! My very own B-Fest T-shirt!! I was tremendously excited, since it meant I now had clean clothes. My original shirt was a trifle ripe by that time. Memo for next year - bring a change of clothing.
• Meeting Douglas, Jeff, Paul and Mark (Apostic) - and of course meeting Ken. Being with Ken is sort of like being a groupie - people know him and look at you differently because you’re in his august presence. Wow.
• Easy Cheese! I got some even if Jeff did eat most of it.
• Chocolate Pop-Tarts, love ‘em!!
• Earth vs. The Spider while I was still awake.
• B-Fest Players miming a giant spider against the screen by having one guy pick up another guy upside down, then waving all arms and legs possible.
• The amazingly witty commentary that flowed past me in a veritable fountain. I realized that though I may be clever in some respects, I am merely a piker when it comes to snappy repartee.
• Paper plates during any flying saucer scene whatsoever.
• The B-Fest players stomping their own miniature Tokyo, complete with Silly String representing Godzilla’s fiery breath.