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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
 Posted - 10/25/2005 : 6:42:11 PM
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Defeating the Shadow of Doubt
With this episode, Bibleman actually picks up a little (pay attention to that word) by doing two things. Number one, making it so Bibleman isn’t solving the problems of the same four or five kids in every episode by disposing of his entourage from the Fibbler and Gossip Queen episodes (which I skilled for a number of reasons, main one being that Seanbaby beat me to it), and instead helping out a different person in each episode so we can see that he’s concerned about the entire population instead of just the children who attend one church. And number two, by introducing a recurring enemy, Luxor Spawndroth, who’s probably the most compelling adversary the Bibledips have ever faced, and could have been so awesome if they hadn’t deliberately taken steps to make him look dumb.
There’s no little prologue before the theme song, this episode is so old. After we hear how “it’s the Bible, it’s the Bible, it’s the Bileman show” again, our story begins at a Church during community outreach week, and a kid dance troupe comes on stage before the congregation and starts performing a song. Perhaps as gripped by this as we are, the cameraman cuts to the basement, where something behind a brick wall starts pushing out the bricks, revealing a sickly green glow. I actually thought Bibleman was going to do something cool for a little bit, creating this villain who was so evil and powerful they couldn’t destroy him, they could only imprison him on sacred ground to weaken him, but with the amount of sin in the world, even that’s not enough to hold him, or something like that.
WRONG!!!!
Right out of the gate they make our new villain look pathetic, as Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford), the supposedly funny but actually not evil sidekick, walks in and pushes the brick wall out of the way. It’s nothing but a prop, and his boss, Brian Lemmons as Luxor Spawndroth as the Shadow of Doubt, was just using it for effect. What is wrong with this series? It exists to try to help kids learn how to confront the evils of the world, and it does this by making them look non-threatening? I’m sorry, making evil non-threatening undermines the whole point of the show, of memorizing the Bible so you know how to confront all of the dark things out there. If some skinny dork came up to you with a plastic light saber and demanded all your money, you wouldn’t frantically search for a scripture to tell you what to do, you’d laugh your ass off before shoving him into the nearest pile of garbage and broken glass. Captain Planet pulled the same trick Bibleman did, using its villains to represent each of the evils its hero stands against, but for however well it succeeded, CP comes out ahead for at least trying to make them look like a serious problem instead of just using them for idiotic comedy relief like this.
Anyway, there’s a guy in the basement of the church up to no good. That’s the situation.
We are suddenly assaulted by a bunch of alarm klaxons and UNICE’s voice repeatedly blaring, “Attention, Bibleman!” Because, in case I forgot to mention it, this is the episode where UNICE and Bibleman’s first sidekick, Coats (Marc Wayne) show up. Not introduced, show up. Coats looks like he’s from some branch of the military, I’m guessing the Bible Corps, but they, par for the course, don’t bother to explain this. Someone’s sending them a message, and the boys show off their extremely clunky communications array with Coats establishing a vector lock while Miles localizes the signal. UNICE asks for a password, which Miles supplies as John 3:16.
UNICE greets Miles and tells him she has an urgent message, which was already communicated to them. I guess they haven’t gone into User Control Panel and turned down UNICE’s Stating the Obvious protocol yet. Being the goofy black comic relief, Coats interrupts and asks why UNICE never greets him. Maybe because you’re the extremely self-centered goofy black comic relief who thinks having the computer say hi to him is more important than the “urgent message” she just sounded every warning buzzer in the cave to let you know about. She actually says it’s because he didn’t say the magic word. Coats tries John 3:16 and is “comically” incorrect.
Miles soon puts a stop to this hilarity (although not soon enough, and you won’t think so either if you ever watch it) to get back to the matter of the distress call. It’s from a local pastor, who says some of the church members are behaving strangely, in particular a girl named Kyla who’s having trouble at home. He asks Bibleman to please come help. He also mentions we keep finding “these,” lying around, and holds up something the size of a playing card that I positively could not identify, and doubt very much Bibleman could either until he saw it up close, especially with the picture constantly fuzzing out.
Since it’s not the pastor’s job to talk to a troubled kid, Miles thinks Bibleman ought to get involved. “Ready the chamber, my friend,” Miles says, this being the episode where they switch over from him praying to become Bibleman to using high-tech wizardry to achieve his powers, which I never got. But they don’t bother to show him using the booth to don his armor--he’s just Miles in this scene, and Bibleman in the next--so if you were watching Bibleman in order you’d have to guess what he means. Smooth presentation, guys. Oh, and he WALKS RIGHT PAST the booth where the Bibleman suit is kept. No clue, I tell you. No clue. For those of you dying to find out what the magic word is, it’s “please.” Ha ha ha…wait, that isn’t funny at all. When the hell is saying “please” part of being greeted?
At the church, the pastor points out Kyla to Bibleman, who notes there’s “nothing harder or sadder than watching your parents argue.” I thought the pastor said she was acting strangely. Being depressed over her parents fighting is strange? Bibleman heads over to see if he can rap with Kyla, smoothly making his entrance by asking, “They say misery loves company, mind if I join you?” When this fails to illicit a response, he explains, “That was meant to be a joke,” and Kyla echoes the audience’s reaction with a hollow “ha ha.”
Bibleman says that talking to him might not solve her problems, but talking to God…well, that’s a different story. This is what Pastor Rex called Bibleman in to do? Tell her to talk to God about her problems? Hell, a PASTOR would never think of advice like that! She replies that she’s prayed and prayed and things are still bad. Bibleman says that God has a plan for all of us, but it’s too early for his lectures to have an effect so Kyla is unmoved. You might notice Bibleman’s not that good as either a superhero or a motivational speaker, since his speeches only work when the following is true: Oops, we only have enough time left for the final sword fight and wrap up, time for Bibleman to get through to the kid.
Bibleman’s questioning about her depression leads to her showing him a box with some kind of Asian painting on it that she says she found in the basement. Obviously evil is afoot, so God’s messenger in spandex heads to the basement to see what’s what. He finds a box like the one Kyla had on a shelf, and opens it, and is subjected by some kind of green cartoon effect that. I thought the Bible said when a wise man sees trouble coming, he avoids it. Kyla said that she was sure that God didn’t care about her anymore upon finding the box. That sounds like trouble to me, and so it has proven for Bibleman. Come on, if this guy is anything like any version of Batman, he must have some section of the Biblecave devoted to analyzing the weapons of his enemies. Couldn’t he just take the box there and open it and analyze its contents in safety? But no, he has to open it right here, when he’s in a dark basement, just the kind of place where one of his enemies would be hiding out. Maybe he didn’t read up to that passage before this episode.
With Bibleman affected by whatever was in the box, Shadow of Doubt appears, Sword of Damnation in hand. See? Dark basement, bad guy. Why the hell did he open the box right here? Evidently the script is a force more powerful force than even the teachings of God, as we also saw back in Jesus Our Savior. Shadow remarks that Bibleman might be entertaining angels soon, and BM glibly retorts, “But fallen angels are hardly entertaining.” “Are you sure about that, Bibleman? Without a doubt?” Shadow smugly replies, and this causes the green cartoon effects to return and begin agonizing Bibleman. After recovering a second later, Bibleman says, “I believe the Bible with all my heart, and now a word from my sponsor!” Oh geez…and he doesn’t even quote scripture again in this fight. Shadow says the word “doubt” again, making Bibleman collapse in green cartoon anguish again, then skips off to somewhere else in the basement to let Bibleman wallow in his defeat before being destroyed. And to think a couple episodes down the line, Luxor’s going to flip out wondering why Bibleman always beats him.
Now might be a good time to ask how whatever was in that box works. Bibleman had green cartoon energy swirling around his head and causing him pain whenever Shadow said the word “doubt” in his presence. Kyla, on the other hand, is just depressed and is forgetting her faith in God. Something about this doesn’t match up. I have a hard time picturing Shadow saying “doubt” repeatedly to Kyla to get the stuff to work on her, and her not mentioning the guy in the basement to Bibleman. And if she’s so depressed and feeling cut off from God after being contaminated by whatever that stuff is, why does Bibleman seem more or less okay in the next scene? I mean, if HE felt cut off from God, why would he ever enter the Biblecave again? I suppose you could say that as a grown follower of the Lord, and one who’s a superhero spreading His teachings at that, Bibleman’s faith in his deity is just stronger than Kyla’s, or something like that, and so the doubt box is taking longer to work on him, but they never bother to clear this up. I’m betting the writers just never thought it through.
In the next scene, night has fallen but Miles is hard at work in the Biblecave. UNICE reports that the residue from the box matches with no known substance. Miles asks if Coats has gotten any results, and his trusty sidekick replies, “Nothing. This guy covered himself very well.” This might make some impression on us, if we had some idea what Coats was trying to find out.
Miles remarks that the sensation was like nothing he’d ever felt before, yet it was so familiar, “I can’t put my finger on it.” Like nothing he’d ever felt before? Miles was disconnected from God into his late thirties, give me a break. Coats remarks to his partner that he (Miles) needs to rest, he’d been at this for days. Either because he’s all business, or because heroes don’t take orders from minority sidekicks, Miles ignores him and tells UNICE to take it from the top, analyzing the battle playback and “digital testimony,” whatever the hell that means.
Coats gets louder in his demands that Miles take a break, but Miles is too worried about Kyla to give up until they know this new villain’s game. “I know how she feels, Coats.” Turns out Miles’ parents fought too. He says that Kyla’s feelings are somehow tied in with the joker he ran into in the basement, and of course they are, because it‘s always some villain stirring up distress in this show, but the connection‘s weaker than they were probably going for. Again, your family fighting is a depressing thing, and I don’t see how unbelievable it is for a kid her age to have their faith in God shaken when they pray for help and none comes, even without some super villain using a diabolical invention to invoke doubt. Hell, how do we know the doubt box has even had an effect on her? I don’t see anything out of the ordinary with her behavior, given what’s going on at home.
Miles goes on to say that he promised Kyla he would help fix things, but I notice he never visits her home and tries to help make peace between her parents or anything like that. That, after all, wouldn’t be very exciting, and might even be a sensible course of action. No, he’s going to solve this by beating up a super villain, even though the Shadow is not even the source of her emotional distress. What a stupid show. Coats eventually persuades Miles that they can’t help if they drop from exhaustion, and the scene ends. Just so the scene doesn’t end without being completely retarded, Miles even tells UNICE to take a break too. Um, she’s a computer. As long as she’s still plugged in, she should be able to keep going. She only agrees to do so once they supply the magic word. Hilarious.
The church, next day. Kyla’s all by herself working on a community outreach poster, and I almost didn’t recognize her because she’s suddenly wearing glasses and has her hair in a ponytail off to the side. She has a flashback where she leaves the house to the sounds of some awfully quiet yelling apparently between her parents. Look guys, we already know she’s sad because her parents are fighting. How many times do you think you need to tell us before we get it?
Bibleman shows up a second later to try to encourage Kyla to believe in God (again, how about talking to her parents?), but when he tries to reassure her with scripture--why not, it worked so well last time. And she’s only upset enough this time to actually yell at Bibleman--he chokes, unable to think of what to say. The green cartoons play around his head, so we can tell this is the Shadow’s sinister work. Kyla storms out and the rest of the kids begin whispering to themselves about Bibleman’s loss of certainty. Shadow is listening in, and gloats that soon “B-B-Bibleman will soon be b-b-begging for mercy.” Ludicrous helpfully steps in and explains that Shadow’s stutter was supposed to be a joke, and that it really wasn’t funny (yes, a character actually tells us a joke wasn‘t funny. I‘m not making this up). You’re right, Ludicrous, it wasn’t, and it’s even less funny that the writers went out of their way to tell us themselves.
Shadow feels a whimsical mood coming and pulls some beakers of Acme Instant Minions-Just Add Evil from an inside pocket and throws them on the ground. Apparently that count as adding evil, as they explode into a pair of loyal flunkies. Continuing to think we need to learn that evil is a big joke, Shadow and his loyal benchwarmers launch into song, which I will spare you.
Suddenly, having regained his faith or merely willing to die making Shadow stop singing that damn song, Bibleman storms into the basement, Lightsaber of the Spirit drawn. Shadow greets him dressed as a waiter: “Our special today is faith fricassee served in a lovely Cajun doubt sauce.” They have another predictably lame light saber fight, until Shadow hits Big B with the Doubt whammy again. The villain tosses his light saber aside and gloats that as soon as people see Bibleman like he is, they won’t listen to him OR God anymore! Muwhahahaha! Then for whatever reason, he sends out two more Instant Minions that Bibleman manages to fend off as he comes off the worst of his Doubt stupor. What was the point of that, if he wants people to see the new Bibleman with Faith-Doubting Action? Why waste perfectly good Instant Minions if you don’t want to kill him yet?
And that’s two times the Shadow has beaten Bibleman and let him just stand up and leave. Look, I’ve never been an actual hero, but if the same guy stomped me twice, I might get some help. Is Bibleman afraid of losing face if he called the cops? Because he doesn’t tell them there’s a bad guy hiding out down there. In fact he doesn’t tell ANYBODY that the Shadow is down there. Not even Kyla. I was going to save this for later, but since I’m touching on it now, I might as well use this rant here. The only thing more disturbing than the way the Bibleman series provides spiritual trouble for the kid Bibleman helps is that he always hides the source of that trouble from them. Yeah the examples for positive living Bibleman serves up from the good book are deep, and would probably work great under other circumstances. But…they don’t when you realize the kid’s misery or fear comes from some demon’s mad science or magic powers, not from the kid or ordinary events in their lives. And when Bibleman never mentions that a sentient force is behind the kid’s problems, it’s like he’s hiding the truth to make the lessons he dishes up seem more important. It’s not as bad here as it is in other episodes what with Kyla having a perfectly normal reason to doubt her faith in God, but it bothers me in other episodes where a kid’s distress is all the work of the latest bad guy, and Bibleman never mentions the bad guy’s heinous deeds when trying to pep their victim up.
Back at the Biblecave soon after (I’m guessing, the flow of time is as inscrutable as the thought processes of the writers), Miles is wondering if maybe the Shadow has him beat. Coats says Bibleman’s been up against tougher bad guys than this before. Not your studio’s ever bothered to show us, Sunshine. Miles, thoughtfully says in case we’re complete idiots, that it’s not Shadow, it’s him. “In my heart and in my mind, I know all the right scriptures, but lately…I’ve been doubting them.” Coats posits that Miles and Kyla might be suffering from the same thing. No kidding, dummy. They both had doubt boxes, and super villains are always behind spiritual unrest in this show. Coats goes on, saying that he’s found a breakthrough on the residue in the doubt box, although before loading up the results he “comically” accidentally starts up a Christian computer game that was either a product placement spot or another dumb joke. Either way, the analysis confirms what we already knew: the contents of the box cause their victim to doubt their faith in God. These guys sure don’t think much of our ability to reason. Miles accesses Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct thy path.” This begs the question of what the difference is, since I am a Christian myself, and know God to not be the direct type, but that’s deeper than I want to get in a review of a stupid kid’s superhero show.
Like most all villainous weapons in Bibleman, now that they know how it works, its effects are somehow erased. Exactly how does that work? Miles makes to armor up again, and says that after they help Kyla, they’re going to teach this “doubt character a Bible lesson of his own.” I don’t know if I’d do it in that order, but I guess their trust in God tells them to stick with a reusable formula, even if it would make more sense to do it the other way around.
Cut to the church, nighttime. The kid dance troupe from the beginning is performing again. As interested as we are, the camera quickly cuts to Bibleman and Coats coming in to have a pep talk with Kyla, who sitting there by herself. Did she come by herself? Why would she if she’s lost her faith in God? Did one of her parents bring her? Why is she all alone then? Maybe if they’re setting out to help “real kids” learn how to deal with “real problems,” they ought to think a little bit about how the “real world” works.
Bibleman regurgitates to her the discussion he and Coats had about Proverbs 3:5, that God works in mysterious ways, but if we always trust in Him, He’ll see us through, and as there’s only five minutes to go, he finally manages to reach Kyla and convince her that God still cares about her. It’s weird. It’s like because Bibleman has learned the lesson of the episode, the kid automatically will too. Bibleman’s same old lifeless speeches manage to touch the soul of the kid who wouldn’t respond to a word of what he had to say before. But anyhow, Kyla’s back on the right track so it’s time to go downstairs and put the smack down on Shadow.
Cut to the basement, where the Didactic Duo are sneaking along looking for Shadow, Coats with an enormous bazooka-like gizmo slung from his shoulder. Not wanting to actually make us worry about Bibleman, they sling a little comedic exchange that is anything but at us.
Coats: “I feel like Cagney and Lacey.”
Bibleman: “I wish you’d picked a different show.”
Coats: “I like that show.”
Bibleman: “You’re not the one wearing purple tights.”
Coats: <nervously> “Good point.”
Oh wait, I get it now! No, wait a second…I don’t. And there’s no way I’m buying the pre-teen demographic of this show did either.
There are some explosions as some Acme Instant Minions-Just Add Evil, appear. Ludicrous cuts in, eating a banana (which to my surprise doesn‘t end up on the floor so somebody can slip on it), and explains they didn’t really have to bother with the sparks, it just looks better in the video. Shadow shows up in a bathrobe and curly wig for more stupid anti-humor before trading sword blows with Bibleman. Shadow crows that Bibleman’s doubt will be the end of him, to which the Avenger of Evangelism replies that the pride of men will be made humble and only God will be exalted, which makes perfect sense in response to Shadow’s comment, doesn’t it?
Coats unslings his giant bazooka thing as the Acme Instant Minions-Just Add Evil, circle him with their neon eyes and mini light sabers of damnation. Coats presses a few buttons on the side, pulls out a targeting scope and then uses his weapon to fire a yellow volleyball net at a guy standing five feet away. Once again, it was probably done to show how high-tech these guys are. Once again, it makes you wonder just how lame you’d have to be to lose to these guys.
Back to Shadow and Bibleman, the former saying it’s all just a game, to set up Bibleman’s unwieldy rejoinder, “It’s all just fun and games until someone loses an eternity, and you’re about to, and then we’ll be left without a doubt.” Because all the doubting of faith will be gone without this guy. Sure. By the way, Coats gets into a bullfighting routine with the other Acme Instant Minion-Just Add Evil and then engages in some faux Michael Jackson dance moves to celebrate his victory, but it’s about as funny as it sounds.
Cornered by the two mighty crusaders of the faith, Shadow sees his number is up, but proclaims that as long as they live they’ll always be battling their doubts. Then to my surprise, he drops another glowing beaker and disappears behind a cloud of smoke. They actually let the bad guy get away. What does this mean? That lying and pride and wrath can be destroyed, but not doubt? I’m thinking “script incompetence” again, personally.
Back at the Biblecave, another assault of annoying alarm klaxons alert us that UNICE is receiving another message. It’s Pastor Rex again, but this time he’s the bearer of good news and tells them that Kyla’s parents still have some baggage, but are in counseling and will be better in no time with God’s help. That’s great, I mean it, but I wish it didn’t sound like Bibleman was being patted on the back for something he had nothing to do with. Anyway, show’s over, so it’s time to wrap up. Coats, at Miles’ urging, tells UNICE to shut down, and he komically tries again to determine the right password to get her to listen to him. Did even the four year olds this was meant for think this crap was funny? Bibleman comes out to deliver his He-Man after show recap of the day’s lesson, which I found kind of insulting with the pains they took to explain it during the episode itself. But this episode, and the review, are finally over. And I bet you’re expecting some stupid pun about how I had my doubts.
No, as a matter of fact, there has never been one single time where I've been mellow. |
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UnknownSubject
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Australia
212 Posts |
Posted - 10/26/2005 : 12:22:14 AM
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quote:
He says that Kyla’s feelings are somehow tied in with the joker he ran into in the basement,
What? The Joker appears in "Bibleman"?
... no wait, it's just a joker, as opposed the Clown Prince of Crime. Though I'd love to see Batman and Bibleman appear in the same event... especially to see Batman thump the spittle out of Bibleman for 1) ripping off his gig, and 2) for being a pompous, self-important git.
Another great review, HK :-)
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TVsGrady
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
671 Posts |
Posted - 10/26/2005 : 8:09:03 PM
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[quote]"it’s the Bible, it’s the Bible, it’s the Bileman show”
That's the most strangely appropriate type I've seen in quite a while.
Seriously, great review as always!
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Joshua513
Altar Boy of Jabootu
Austria
5 Posts |
Posted - 12/22/2005 : 2:53:40 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by TVsGrady
[quote]"it’s the Bible, it’s the Bible, it’s the Bileman show”That's the most strangely appropriate
I never knew that it could be done like that, really incredible. :evil::evil:
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Defeating the Shadow of Doubt
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