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mpollack
Preeminent Apostolic Prelate of the Discipleship of Jabootu
USA
119 Posts |
 Posted - 02/06/2006 : 3:38:08 PM
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Okay, so the JLA hires an African American, a Native American, an Asian Maybe-American, a couple of women, and a guy from... well, we don't know where, but he claims to be Hispanic or Latino and he dresses mentally challenged, so he probably counts. They even have a homosexual, but we're not allowed to tell you which one.
Still, the JLA was missing one key category: a parapeligic. And if you think the Legion of Doom is tough, wait until you see the Legion of EEOC.
So, what to do... What to do... And then Firestorm remembers his classmate and Lacrosse buddy Vic Stone. Because an obvious good guy trait is nepotism. What, you didn't think Aquaman became a "Founding Member" by passing some civil servant's exam, did you? Aquaman got in because he was Supes' college roommate and knew how to find the good "seaweed."
Ooh, and he's another African American to boot. Clearly, the JLA had to snap them up before the Republicans started their attempt to clean up their "racial tolerance" image.
Unfortunately, Cyborg's major power was Superwhining. The guy couldn't walk three steps without complaining about how hot it is, or how he sucks as a superhero, or how much people mistreat him, or how writers continue to make fun of Republicans. He's a Jewish Princess without the looks and Father's money.
Seriously, he's like those disabled people in pretty much every early 90s sitcom where they whine and act like a jerk, to show us that people who don't immediately buck up just because they lost their legs in some sort of industrial accident or birth defect or failed crime and now every minor action that we take for granted becomes a major struggle and there's that constant reminder of their disability and pretty much every person at least stares at your disability for at least a few seconds are uniformly scum and you must spit upon them. Only, we were somehow supposed to find his whining soothing and compelling.
He did have some reason for complaining, in that every person that came near him would scream and attempt to flee. And they all claimed it was the artificial limbs, but I suspect it had more to do with them worrying about their white women, if you get my meaning. Seriously, you've got a bunch of people running around in tights and you barely notice, but a guy with a mechanical hand should be met with scorn and derision? Really?
From 70s TV shows, you would think that there was a major push to destroy disabled people, like it's their fault that some guy shot them during a robbery. I do vaguely recall a time in '77 where they lynched three guys with pacemakers, but that's about it.
His biggest whine was that he wasn't superhero material. The guy had super-strength. His arms contained sensors, radar, guns, lasers, missiles, communication technology, electronic organizers and can openers. Yet he was legitimately concerned that he wouldn't fit into this woefully underpowered and undermanned organization. I think he was legitimately upset that he couldn't talk to fish. And when the going got tough, he'd be the first to whine about how hopeless it is. When Hawkman does that kind of whining, you fill pity for the guy. When Cyborg does it, you just want to smack him.
His other big whine is that he couldn't develop a secret identity: everybody knew who he was. Not that you ever saw Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne, so it didn't really matter. Still, it must be hard to keep your identity a secret when you've never heard of pants. There he'd walk, completely starkers, his access port visible to all, complaining about how everybody recognizes him. In a few years, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would figure out that they could dress up like a film noir detective, and nobody would notice their odd dress or clearly visible green skin. This guy couldn't buy a pair of jeans, a sweater, and a baseball cap?
Better yet, buy baggy sweats, a Tie-dye T-shirt, and an afro wig. Yeah, some metal would still be showing, but who'd notice in 70s New York?
By the way, Cyborg has a lot of nerve calling himself handicapped. Aside from the funny looks, he has no trouble doing any activity, and he doesn't have to use any workarounds. In fact, he's incredibly strong, and yet he gets to use the Handicapped Parking space? I don't think so.
Where is he now:
After many of years of struggle, he finally made it to baseball, who doesn't care how messed up your body is as long as you can hit dingers. He met his end in an airport metal detector tragedy far too sad to discuss.
The homosexual was Samurai.
Next Week: Monkey Business
MPollack
Oh, and at sunset we invade France. Just because.
The Democrats are politicizing the end of the world. |
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Superfriends Files: Cyborg
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