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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
 Posted - 12/12/2007 : 09:37:50 AM
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Two months ago I posted a review nobody read on the awful fanfiction Movie Task Force Scanranger because it reminds me of watching the kind of movie oft reviewed on this site. In the spirit of Christmas I was thinking I'd post another review nobody would read based on the Christmas installment of that same story.
I'm not going to waste a lot of time on introductions with this. The Scanrangers are:
Vin/RedScanner, action cinema-empowered macho man leader and author insertion character.
Nick/GreenScanner, spfx-powered smart guy.
B.C./BlueScanner, clean comedy-powered dickweed.
Kunio/YellowScanner, anime-powered personality-free guy.
Toni/PinkScanner, musical-powered girl.
They're assisted by Professor Alex who supplies all their nifty gizmos, and for this episode by Danger Woman and her sidekick Phantom Highlander, superheroes featured on their own website.
They're opposed by MAYHEM, led by Blackorg with the *ahem* able assistance of Ug, Vixen, Anark Key and a different monster in each story.
If you're in the mood for more information the story's homepage is accessible at:
[url]http://www.geocities.com/tetsuokurata/scanranger.html[/url]
And here is the homepage of the guest star hero:
[url]http://www.angelfire.com/ga3/DangerWoman/[/url]
While the installment being dissected below can be seen here:
[url]http://www.geocities.com/tetsuokurata/xmasepi1.html[/url]
I'm trying something a little different in an attempt to make the dissection clear. A - mark indicates a point, usually with a quote from the story that I analyzes. An * designates the start of my rejoinder to the quote/point being analyzed.
-Narration: It was a week before Christmas, and was a cold start for the beginning of winter, and for the first time in years; a blanket of snow covered the entire state.
*Remember when this sentence says things are taking place.
-Narration: Obviously, the fall semester was over, and the students left for the semester.
*Yeah, you’d think so with Christmas a week away. Don’t the Scanrangers have anybody to spend the holidays with besides each other? Even the Carrangers did.
-Narration: Nick was playing a version of Scrooge, dressed in old English clothes…
*Isn’t that what the default Scrooge would wear? States the Obvious strikes again!
-Blackorg: “What is this..Christmas?”
Anark Key: “Actually, my Lord, it’s a holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ. Eons ago, he was alleged born around this time, since his birth would make a great impact on the earth. His parents gave him gifts, which represents love, and he was claimed in those times to be the savior of the world..”
Vixen: “Why should he be commended for giving? It’s all about taking, for ourselves, and for the glory of MAYHEM!”
*This is one thing I’m glad the story is explaining, but as usual there’s a couple things that don’t work. The three wisemen are the ones who are known for giving baby Jesus gifts, not Mary and Joseph. Key saying Jesus was claimed to be the savior of the world when he was alive also sounds like it’s selling things short; there are millions of people today who believe Jesus is the savior of the world even though he hasn’t walked among us for hundreds of years, and Key’s the member from Earth. Lastly Vixen makes it sound like Jesus is the one who gives things out on Christmas, doesn’t she, not a fat guy in a red suit.
-Blackorg: “Where is this so-called being called Christ? If he’s human, why isn’t he protecting their world? If that should be the case, then the humans should worship me!! I am the protector of their world, protecting them from my wrath! The humans shall worship the true savior, I, Lord Blackorg!!!”
*Apparently ruling the world doesn’t require you to make any sense. You know, maybe the reason Christ isn't protecting the world because he's human (which he is and isn't, respectively) are because he lived centuries ago?
-Vin: “Once we’re done, and we’ve all finished our little performance, then we’ll have a party and a special surprise for everyone!”
*I wish I knew what surprise Vin meant. I don’t think we ever find out. The only thing I can think of is Danger Woman coming and performing for the kids at the end of the story, but she seems to have come because a little girl needed her encouragement and then stuck around to perform because she was already there.
-A kid: “Oh, that’s Sarin, Miss Montanez. Sometimes she’s a little crazy in the head, talking to herself, and waves her hand all over in the air like she was flying a plane..”
Another kid: “Yeah..She’s stupid or something..”
Toni: “Don’t you dare say that! How can you be so cold to your own classmate like that? She’s just as special and unique as any one of the kids here!”
B.C.: “Miss Montanez is right! Sarin is just like every other kid..She has special talents, just like you..”
*I agree it’s mean, but that’s how kids act, and there’s no surer way to make them close their ears to your lessons than to try to act like their parents.
-A kid: “Well, if she’s so special, Mr.Shimamura, ..where are her parents? Why was she sent to that DPOC place?”
B.C.: “What DPOC place?”
Teacher: “I’ll explain everything..Sarin was just recently released from there..Some federal laws showed that they didn’t need her any longer..”
*Here the story attempts an emotional subplot (which is what Christmas [should be] all about after all), but as usual ends up being anything but. Sarin was sent to some kind of government facility, but not only are we never told why or what they hoped to achieve for her, we aren’t even told what “DPOC” stands for. None of these [url]http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=GGIC,GGIC:2006-47,GGIC:en&q=dpoc[/url]
sounds like the hellish place Sarin and Danger Woman went.
-Toni: “Those kids didn’t mean what they said, and Mr. Shimamura knows that you’re a good person..”
*Toni tracks down and tries to cheer up a forlorn Sarin. That’s a great way to make her feel better, saying B.C. knows she’s a good person. Mr. Shimamura, a man so emotionally stunted he was prepared to trade in all of creation for another half an hour with his new girlfriend, and this is coming from a friend so emotionally stunted she and the others seemed prepared to let him do it. That’s someone whose confidence you can be proud of.
-Toni: “You have special talents that are so great everyone wished they could be just like you..”
*Toni continues from above. If this is the case, it might be nice to give some idea what those talents are and how Toni knows about them, otherwise Toni’s making things up. It’s also not followed by the obvious question, “Then why do they say I’m crazy and make fun of me?” I’d like to have heard Toni’s answer to that. Look, kids form little factions and are nasty to people outside them. Does that mean we shouldn’t try to do anything about it and does it make it any less mean? No, not in the least, but I’m still against lying to kids to build up their self confidence. Tell Sarin she’s special, but saying everyone wants to be just like her with nothing to back it up is going a little too far.
-Narration: Meanwhile, in Toms River, the enigmatic heroine, Danger Woman was with one of her Danger Force allies, Super Nova of ECW. They themselves were at a Christmas function.
*Continuing the trend of acronyms that aren’t explained, I see. Is Super Nova in Extreme Championship Wrestling? The Energy Center of Wisconsin? The Egregiously Crappy White people?
-Danger Woman: “I’ve picked up something from my Danger Sense! My colleagues in crime, the Scanrangers, are in need of my help!”
*Colleagues in crime, huh? With the amoutn of incorrect words and phrases thrown around with regularity in this story I wonder if they know what they’re saying.
-Narration and Super Nova: Before DW flew out, she stopped as Super Nova had given her Christmas gift..”Merry Christmas,lady!"
Danger Woman: “Watch your mail! You’ll get your package soon enough!”
Narration andSuper Nova: As DW flies off, SN thought to himself “I hope that doesn’t mean like my ‘check is in the mail..’”
*Uh……..what???
-Vixen: “I’ve found our object! Prepare the coordinates to teleport the object back to base, and infuse with our MAYHEM technology! Oh, yes! After these fools return, they shall have an unhappy holiday!”
Narration: Key teleports the holiday tree. Ug breaks off one of the branches, and leaves it near where the tree was located.
*The bad guys sneak into the school and send the Christmas tree back to HQ to turn it into a monster. What’s with breaking off the branch? Is Ug marking the spot so nobody asks, “Wasn’t the tree three feet over that way?” Number one, that doesn’t seem like something the big dumb oaf who not two minutes ago thought a jack-in-the-box was a booby trap would think of, number two, once again why am I left to fill in the blanks?
-Narration: KuroTannebaum was a mutated and artificial Christmas tree monster, similar to the cybercreatures from past battles. It was armed with ornament balls, tinsel garland, and a sword candy cane. At the same time, while Toni waited for Sarin, the little girl noticed Vixen, Ug, and Key marveling at their new creation. The three never noticed her.
*Sarin sees the villains turning the tree into a monster. Gee, will anyone believe her with her reputation? One thing before moving on to the next rant, I’m confused by the part where it says the new monster is “similar to the cybercreatures from past battles.” How’s it different?
-Toni: “Well, where was it? Toni then looks and notices, “Are you sure that there was a tree with great big teeth?”
*Toni comes back with Sarin to look into the little girl’s claims of a monster tree. As usual it’s a little thing that grabs my attention: what does Toni notice? Why is this story so bloody unclear about everything?
-Toni: “Well, It looks like nothing has happened here..I don’t know, girl..I’m getting a little worried about your stories..Let’s go back..”
*Wow, Toni can sure change directions fast. What happened to all the blather about Sarin being special and all the other kids wishing they could be like her? Now it’s “I’m getting a little worried about your stories.” Let’s keep in mind Toni’s a superhero who sees real aliens and monsters all the time. She doesn’t even check.
-Toni: “Danger Woman! What a surprise! To what we owe this honor?”
Danger Woman: “Trouble..” said DW as she turns back to the little girl.
*And the Sentai Songbird of Justice makes her dramatic entrance. Is Sarin’s emotional turmoil the trouble she’s talking about, though? Or can the villains’ notorious plan wait until the terrified child is calmed down? Why do I have to figure all this out? Urgngh!
-Sarin: “I’m so glad you’re here..There’s this big ugly monster tree inside the room and three bad people went and did something to it and it looked very scary and it had big teeth!”
Danger Woman: “I see..and I overheard with my Danger Sense hearing that you were in a DPOC place..You know what, Sarin? So was I.. I was a DPOC myself..”
*At least that sort of tells us Sarin’s problems are what DW meant by “trouble,” if in an asinine fashion. “There’s a monster and three bad people are…” “That’s nice kid, now listen to my story.”
-Toni: “I’ll call the other guys and see if they can help out..”
Danger Woman: “Don’t worry, PinkScanner..I know who you are, and you already know my secret identity..Your secret’s safe with me..Let the boys look after the other children..”
*I’m a little worried by this. This is the second time Danger Woman responds to something nobody brought up. How would Toni know her secret identity, in any case? She never appeared out of costume; unless this happened “off-camera,” it didn’t happen.
-Danger Woman: “I remember trying to rescue a younger sibling who was incarcerated there without a fair trial or a hearing or even the right to go to school. They had me incarcerated and did some very bad things to me. They gave me lethal doses of prescription drugs and zapped me with Z-Rays. I too, was also threatened with a death sentence, when the bad people decided to have me put to death. Then something inside me snapped and I was able to break free and gave them what for! The bad ones in charge escaped, but the doctor in charge of this DID NOT and was brought to justice..I have been using my powers in the name of justice. They had no right in locking you up without a fair trial or even a hearing or even the right to go to school under the American Special Education Laws!! Until I reached 30, I had to battle for the purpose of having compensory education…”
*Holy crap. That’s what Sarin went through? That’s downright inhuman, it puts everything MAYHEM ever did to shame (not that that’s hard to do). Look at the last two sentences or so, though. Is Danger Woman saying the problem is in getting proper education for differently-abled children? We were talking about death sentences and torture a little while ago! Catching the people doing that to kids sounds like a slightly higher priority to me, so there’s any kids left to get special education.
-Sarin: “Really?”
Danger Woman: “Yes, indeed..There was even a bad man who went against the Supreme Court pardon of the disabled, Governor Roy Barnes..But my friends were able to help me, and the governor apologized for his rash action and for violating my civil rights!”
*Continuing Danger Woman’s tirade against the forces of corruption. I love the last part. The governor apologized for violating my civil rights…by torturing and trying to kill me! But it’s really about rights and special education for disabled people! Really, what am I supposed to be taking away from this speech?
-Hope you enjoyed Sarin’s subplot because there’s three and a half pages to go and it’s lightly touched on one more time.
-Toni: “Vin! Guys! What’s wrong?”
Vin: “Everything! While we were getting ready for rehearsal, the tree, the kids, and Professor Alex had all disappeared! We need a hand here!”
*Where is everybody in relation to each other? Toni went with Sarin to check out the tree, I’d presume they’re still in that general area since it didn’t say anything about going elsewhere. How would Vin know the tree disappeared? It didn’t say everyone else clambered in while the girls were trying to cheer up Sarin. What a mess.
-Toni: “Right! I’ve got a friend here who can give us a helping hand!”
*Why is Toni is vague? She could say something as simple as “Danger Woman’s here to help.” What is wrong with these people? For all Vin knows she could be talking about Sarin, who she’s trying to make feel special by letting the kid tag along on a Scanranger mission.
-Narration: PinkScanner teleported to the scene and DW flew Sarin over to the cafeteria.
*Yeah, bring the kid. All her classmates disappeared. What could happen to her?
-Vixen: “Like our Christmas present, folks, courtesy of our master, Lord Blackorg? It’s only a sample of how things will be run on this area of the city, and then your country to follow!”
*As if there could be any doubt, MAYHEM is behind the class and Alex disappearing. And Vixen’s making as little sense as anything else in this perplexing puke wad of a heartwarming holiday tale.
-Kid: “You mean woman! You can’t spoil Christmas!”
Anark Key: “Ah, but we have, little one! And to show you that we’re not joking, I’ll take one of your precious ornaments and smash it to pieces!” The children began to become very frightened.
Alex: “No! You wouldn’t ruin these gifts for these special children! What kind of people are you?”
*He’s going to break an ornament. Alex makes it sound like Key has a knife to one of the kids’ throats. Is taking candy from a baby too hard for these guys? I can’t think of anything that defines how dumb Scanranger is better than this. It’s the lamest thing the bad guys have ever done and it’s treated like one of the most evil. Christmas is not about the ornaments and presents, it’s about bringing people together. Didn’t How the Grinch Stole Christmas teach us anything?
-Narration: As Key was about to break the child’s ornament, a wired microphone came and hit him on the back of his neck! The ornament fell, but a shield came and caught the ornament before it broke! It was PinkScanner’s Movie Splicer Shield!
*I have an idea, how about saving the kids first and worrying about the decorations later? The Super Friends had better priorities.
-Danger Woman: “I am Danger Woman! Sentai ally to those in need!”
*“Sentai” means, basically, “team.” I have no idea what “sentai ally to those in need” means, do you? I wonder if Danger Woman does.
-Danger Woman: “And in the name of the zoo-going children of the world, we will..”
Danger Woman and PinkScanner: “DECK YOUR HALLS!”
*The zoo-going children of the world? That’s not random.
-Narration: “The other four male rangers, Red, Blue, Green, and Yellow also arrive on the scene.”
*Oh, those other four male rangers.
-Nick: “We’re here to deck their halls also!”
*That’s pitiful, guys, reusing the same entrance line as the girls. How about, “Here’s justice nipping at your nose!” or maybe, “Time to trim the bad guys!” Those are lame, but they’re better than the same dumb threat used twice.
-Kids: “YAYY! IT’S THE POWER RANGERS!”
B.C.: “Geez..We still don’t get no respect!”
*And you’re the last fictional character ever to deserve any, B.C no-rein-on-his-emotions writing-off-the-universe-for-another-half-hour-with-his-crush Shimamura.
-Anark Key: “Rats! Now we’ve got all of the Scanrangers to deal with!”
*Except SilverScanner. Regardless, this is a weird thing to say since all five Scanrangers show up before the introductions are even over.
-Narration: BlueScanner teleports and distracts General Ug and flew a toy plane his way. The muscle-bound henchman chases it, enabling Alex and Rosewood to get the other children to safety.
*Have I mentioned that MAYHEM are the worst villains ever?
-Vin: “All that time decorating that tree for those innocent kids..and look what those villains did to it!”
*This is at least after MAYHEM tried to murder the attendees of a Valentine’s Day dance. Wrecking a Christmas tree kind of pales in comparison.
-Phantom Highlander: “Trees are an important part of the world’s energy source! It was reasonable the Scanrangers didn’t want it destroyed. That villain-created tree, however, is not real!”
*In the style of the far superior Tuxedo Kamen, Phantom Highlander arrives with a bit of advice when all seems lost. Except this isn’t just advice that inspires the main characters to overcome the problem, it’s a flat-out deus ex machina. How does he know Kurotannebaum isn’t a real tree? Plus it didn’t seem like the Scanrangers were holding back to preserve the tree because it has the kids’ ornaments or is “an important part of the world’s energy source” (how does he mean, anyway?). As soon as a tree starts walking around shooting lasers and slashing people with swords I think all concerns for things like that are off, and if these clowns are interested in protecting people they should think so too. Yeah it might hurt the kids’ feelings their precious decorations had to be destroyed to stop the monster, but is that worse than the alternative? “I hate you stupid Power Rangers, you let the monster kill Bobby and Suzie!” I’ve said this in other rants but isn’t the fact that the heroes can’t always achieve a flawless victory one of the things that sets Super Sentai apart from Power Rangers! ?
-Alex: “What’s this? How about that? The tree that was missing was back here all along! It even has all the ornaments that the kids made, too! I get it! MAYHEM just merely made a copy of the tree!” The children was excited their real tree was safe.
*That’s handy, although it was said otherwise before (“Key teleports the holiday tree.”). It’s great a mere symbol doesn’t have to be destroyed to save the day, otherwise Christmas would still be ruined.
-Kunio: “Danger Woman! May I do the honors?”
Danger Woman: “As long as I be of assistance, YellowScanner.”
*Why does Danger Woman insist on taking part of whatever Kunio has in mind?
-Danger Woman and narration: “She shouted, “DANGER KARAOKE MICROPHONE!” She swings it at the cybercreature, and KuroTannebaum shattered into pieces like glass, then explodes!
*Yeah, don’t want to shock you but the “good guys” win and Christmas is saved. Bet you were worried.
-Narration: Later, at Stephen J. Cannell Hall, Danger Woman does her Holiday Hero Concert, where she presented Super Nova with her Christmas Gift- A copy of her CD, Encore.
*Is this the surprise Vin promised at the beginning of the story for the kids? Could we get some confirmation? What’s the jazz about Super Nova’s present? As if that wasn’t confusing enough the first time we saw him.
-Narration: For the Scanrangers, she got them all inducted officially into her team of heroic allies, The Danger Force Alliance. Although SilverScanner was recovering from his last battle, RedScanner accepted his induction on his behalf.
*The rest of the story is a series of random bullet points like this, and a couple are confusing like this too. What battle is SilverScanner injured from? This episode is treated as canon, a teensy of bit of effort giving it a place in the timeline would’ve been nice.
-Narration: After the party was over, Professor Alex and the Scanrangers gave Danger Woman a special gift, which she and Phantom Highlander can call upon when things get messy. Their own giant robots: The Danger Dy Na Mo and The Phantom Slingshot!
*Of course none of the kids asked, “How come I don’t get a giant robot for Christmas?”
-Narration: Then, it was time to go help Santa Deliver the toys for all the children, so the Scanrangers said goodbye to our heroic allies.
*Okay, that’s a little out of left field. If you’re going to involve Old Saint Nick, shouldn’t MAYHEM have gone for the jugular and taken over the North Pole? It even would’ve been believable Santa needed help to make his deliveries on time. Then again, that’s what they did when the Power Rangers! made a Christmas special. But no, they go help Santa make his rounds because darn it, that’s just what superheroes do in Christmas specials. And in case this isn’t stupid enough, they’re leaving to do this a week before Christmas.
-Narration: And what of MAYHEM? Well, they DID NOT get nothing for Christmas! Not even a lump of coal!
So what did they get?
-The Heckler King wishes everyone a Merry Christmas a Happy New Year that hopefully involves Santa giving the Scanrangers a hard kick in the pants.
When a stranger calls, make friends with him. |
Edited by - hk6909 on 12/12/2007 09:39:26 AM
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twitterpate
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Canada
1026 Posts |
Posted - 01/06/2008 : 9:37:56 PM
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hk6909, I not only READ your Scanranger reviews, I carefully saved each one, and have reread them several times!
This IS a Christmas present for me, to see a new one! |
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hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
Posted - 01/09/2008 : 12:45:59 AM
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Well twitterpate if that's how you feel, send me an email (hecklerking6909@yahoo.com) and perhaps I can hook you up with something really special.
When a stranger calls, make friends with him. |
Edited by - hk6909 on 01/09/2008 12:46:57 AM |
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Scanranger Christmas special...definitely
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