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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
 Posted - 09/03/2008 : 10:07:37 PM
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(In case you're wonderin', Dragonslayer was Number 3. Very good job, Food.)
And Now For Another Officially Official Announcement
(Management: Greetings, fellow minions. Once again, I, your humble Management, will provide the intro for tonight’s feature. You will be interested to hear that Brad is no longer tied to his chair, and Louie has gone missing. I believe Security came and took him after he hosed them down by mistake. Or was that Harold?
Speaking of which, Midnight Madness nearly left our erstwhile reviewer a quivering wreck of a man (which is the state Management likes for him to be in). Brad begged us to let him go, promising any female members of our staff that he would have their children if they would free him. At long last, your humble Management took pity on Brad — or so he thinks.
Brad is continuing his Disney series, and Management made a proposition for him: review two more Disney pics from this time period, and you are free to go. The first would be Condorman; the second would be a movie of his choosing.
Ready to go, Brad?)
HA!!! HA!!! Gotcha! Condorman is not available on DVD! It was on the market a few years ago, but it’s been discontinued. Since you’re far too stingy to pay for a rare copy on eBay, we’re gonna have to skip it and go straight to my pick, which is—
(Management: Ah ah ah, Brad. A deal is a deal. It’s been over twenty years since you last saw Condorman on TV, but Knight Industries was kind enough to loan us their newest addition to KITT: The Memory Extractor! Okay, Brad, this won’t hurt a bit...)
ZZZZZAP!!!
AAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!
(Management: I didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt you a bit. Heh heh heh. Oh my, you DID have a serious crush on Melissa Etheridge, didn’t you. You must have been heartbroken when you found out—)
Get this f***ing thing off my head!!!
(Management: Not until we’ve found what we’re looking for! Gee, you had a serious crush on Melissa Leo, too. And you had a babysitter named Melissa— no wonder you liked her; she was cute! Ahhhh, and you ran into her a few years ago, and she’s still a knock-out. Too bad she's married. Well, we could sit here all day and torture you with memories of your moribund love life, but we do have a review to get on with, so....)
No! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!
(Management: Let’s see..... Hmmmmmmmmm. The details are a bit sketchy, but they should be close enough.
While the Memory Extractor is bringing it all back to our erstwhile reviewer, allow me to give a little background on the book this movie was based on. Condorman was based — very loosely — on the novel The Game of X by Robert Sheckley. The novel isn’t great, and the first half is particularly slow going, but it picks up as it goes, and Brad found himself laughing out loud several times in the last fifty pages or so. The story is that of an ordinary American living in Paris who is offered a temporary job by a friend who works for an unnamed government agency: play spy for a day, track a Soviet agent, and pick up a fat paycheck. The hero does this, and the agency is able to trick the Russian into believing Our Hero is a high-ranking spy. The Russian decides to defect, asking for “Agent X” to help him. Our Hero is sent in once again, and he basically goes bass-ackwards trying to help the agent get to America. The twist — and punchline — at the end of the book is that the government makes the hero an agent full-time, and it’s implied that all spies, on both sides, get their start this way.
Condorman took this genuinely funny idea for a satire and trashed it by trying to turn it into a comic book. Ah. Brad’s eyes have glazed over, and his hands are lowering in defeat. I do believe he’s ready. Brad, it’s all yours.)
(quiet sobbing) You’ll get yours one day, you son of a bitch.
Kidding aside, when first contemplating this Disney-flicks kick, I was hell-bent on giving Condorman a whirl. After watching Midnight Madness, I had second thoughts. That movie very nearly broke me. I decided to rent Condorman for the hell of it, and that’s when I realized the DVD had been taken off the market. YouTube has a few clips, about twelve minutes worth, and that’s all I know to be around right now. I would be okay with spending five bucks to buy a new DVD, but not fifty to a hundred.
So, I am indeed going to try and review this from memory. I saw Condorman several times on The Disney Channel when it first came on TV. It’s been well over twenty years, so I don’t remember things like cinematography or small details. But, amazingly, I believe I do remember enough to give a full synopsis.
If and when the DVD comes back on the market (doubtful), or if I can find a copy for a couple of bucks, I’ll go ahead and watch it again and see how close I came. But I’d lay down money right now that, while some of the fine points may be off, at least ninety percent of this review will read exactly like it would if I had seen the movie a couple of hours ago.
In compensation for this long intro, I promise that the Afterthoughts section will be brief.
Con-Dor-Maaaaaaa— Ka-BLAM!!! (thud)
As of September 2008, you can go onto YouTube and watch the opening titles for Condorman and get a very very good idea what this movie’s mindset is. If you’d like, you can watch that and skip the following two paragraphs.
After the Walt Disney Productions credit, the title CONDORMAN lowers onto the screen, emblazoned across a giant brass condor. And then (Oh, Lord) a cartoon guy in costume and “condor” wings walks onto screen and tries, unsuccessfully, to start flying. The brass condor crashes down on Condorman, and we go to the titles. “Con-dor-maaaaaaaaan!!!” That wasn’t me; that was the choir in the soundtrack, yelling Our Hero’s name. I swear I’m not joking. They’ll do this about a dozen times during the opening. The score was by Henry Mancini, and it wasn’t one of his more memorable works. The opening theme isn’t too bad, or at least it would be pretty decent if it weren’t for that damned choir. Anyway, Cartoon Condorman flies around several landmarks in Paris, clearly out of control and screaming in terror (though he seems to get the hang of it near the end), as the titles swoop in behind him. If there are any doubts about this movie’s intended audience, they evaporate when Cartoon Condorman does a Goofy Scream.
A few observations come to mind. It’s common knowledge that most movies made before around 1970 had all the credits at the beginning, with “The End” or a cast list at the end. As union rules demanded that more and more people receive credit, the credits moved to the end (and now we can have ten- or fifteen-minute crawls at the end of a movie). Disney was the last major studio not to adapt this practice. They joined the crowd with The Black Hole. To the best of my knowledge, Condorman was the last American live-action movie to put all the credits at the beginning (The Fox and the Hound would be the last animated movie).
Well, there’s Ron Miller in the Exec Producer spot. The screenplay is credited to Marc Stirdivant; I looked him up, and was pleasantly surprised to see that he also had a hand in Night Crossing (a movie that handled this one’s main story — a defection from a Communist country — much more effectively). Director Charles Jarrott has an interesting footnote in film history: he directed The Other Side of Midnight (look it up in IMDb and check out the Trivia if you don’t know how it indirectly changed movie history).
Ah. The credits are over, and we see a live action Condorman on the Eiffel Tower. Actually, this guy’s name is Woody Wilkins (played by Michael Crawford, Mr. Phantom of the Opera himself). Woody’s about to test his latest invention, these Condorman wings, and his bestest buddy Harry (James Hampton) is on the ground recording it. Woody makes a Hero Intro that won’t have Superman losing any sleep, then he jumps off and starts flying, courtesy of some mediocre matte work.
He seems to be doing okay, when a support strut on his wings snaps off, and Woody is dumped into the Seine. Well, that went swimmingly! Pun intended, of course.
Go to a few days later. We have an exposition scene (and if memory serves, it was fairly clunky) where we learn the following: Woody is a cartoonist who is vacationing in Paris, crashing at his friend Harry’s apartment. He draws a comic book (and we’ll learn later that he apparently owns the comic book company) called Spider-Ma— uh, Condorman, a sort of Batman-lite. (And when I say Batman-lite, I mean that Adam West could kick this guy’s ass.) Woody likes to test all his gadgets out to make sure they work in the real world, so he can say he’s being “honest” with the kids who read his book. Ummmmm, yeah, Woody, that’s a problem. If the kids know your doohickeys can work for real, they might try copying you. “Don’t try this at home kids— wait a minute, you CAN try it at home!” Nice.
Anyway, Harry chides Woody on being too reckless, and we get more Clunky Expo: Harry works for the CIA. Harry says that working for these guys isn’t at all glamorous (I saw a joke on IMDb that I missed when I first saw the movie: Harry says that being in the CIA doesn’t make you Robert Redford). He then reveals that he’s not a spy; he’s a low-level pencil-pusher.
Cut to a few days later. Harry’s at work, and his boss, Russ (Dana Elcar) is in a bind. The Russians want to set up a data exchange; apparently, we and they both have a mutual enemy (I don’t remember who it was, or even if it was made clear in the movie), and they need to get us some info. Here’s the catch; it was agreed that this job would be done by civilians, not spies (hmmmmmmm, THAT doesn’t seem contrived, does it). Russ puts Harry in charge of finding someone.
Guess who Harry picks? When Harry sees Woody at the station, he rolls his eyes: Woody is decked out like Bogart, fedora and trenchcoat and all. He tells Woody to take this stuff seriously, but I have to wonder, what did Harry think Woody would do in a situation like this? Anyway, Harry gives Woody two minutes’ worth of prep, and sends him on his way to Istanbul.
Woody arrives at the restaurant where he is supposed to meet his contact. If memory serves, we get a couple of lame bits of Komedy, until Woody runs into....
Homina homina homina homina.
Barbara Carrera will never be known as one of the great actresses, but damn if she wasn’t hotter than the core of the Sun. And she cuts a great figure as a femme fatale in her coat and hat. Woody tries to pick this woman up, then learns that she is his contact; by the way, her name’s Natalia. Woody mentions that she’s one seriously babe-a-licious spy, and she protests: this is a civilian job. Woody goes on to make like he’s a superspy extraordinaire, saying his code name is “Condorman.” I can’t remember whether Natalia actually bought this crap or was just humoring him; one gag where Woody accidentally makes like Gene Simmons should convince her that he’s a poser. Uh oh, some baddies approach, making to go after Natalia. Woody puts up a fight, knocking these guys out. Whatever she thought of him earlier, Natalia now thinks this “Condorman” is the real thing, never mind that Woody clearly won the fight through sheer dumb luck. They make the exchange and part ways.
Natalia returns to her apartment in Moscow, to be confronted by her boss (and lover) Sergei Krokov (Oliver Reed! Yay!). She tells Krokov that they were right to suspect us Capitalist Pigs would do something sneaky, instead of a civilian, “They sent a top agent. He was good. Very smooth. And very tough.” The movie could have been making a subtle point by informing us that Natalia is a member of the KGB, doing the exact same thing she’s criticizing the US for, but I think they didn’t think this through. Anyway, Krokov coldly mocks her, telling her she was an idiot for letting those baddies get so close to her, then basically demotes her.
Actually, he’s right to do so, for a different reason. Again, it’s painfully obvious that Woody’s is no agent! And Natalia bought his line! Dunce.
Back to Paris. Woody is back at his desk, sketching through the night. Clearly he’s quite taken with Natalia (the sketches of Barbara Carrera are quite nice). After drawing several of them and posting them to the wall, Woody shows Harry his latest comic: Laser Lady (uch!). Yep, this woman has Natalia’s face.
Fade to sometime later (it’s not clear how long, and passages of time will be a real problem with this pic). Russ calls Harry into his office and asks if Harry’s ever heard of Condorman. Harry tells Russ about the comic book, and Russ drops the other shoe: a high-ranking Soviet agent wants to defect, and has asked specifically for Condorman to help out. Harry gets an “uh oh” look on his face, putting it together.
Russ and Harry go to Woody to ask for his help. Woody (displaying a rare bit of sense) refuses outright: he nearly got killed during a simple document exchange, so what makes these guys think he’ll be able to handle a defection? And how the hell did this agent ever hear of Condorman in the first place? Russ tells him: “Because you’ve already met her, in Istanbul.” Yep, it’s Natalia. Biiiiig surprise; the only head-scratcher here is how come Woody didn’t figure it out from the start. Once he hears that it’s Natalia who wants his help, Woody changes his mind completely. He’ll help... if they do it his way. Uh oh.
When Russ sees what Woody has in mind, he nearly hits the ceiling, and I have to agree with him. This movie is set, more or less, in the real world. No EE-vill genius wanting to rule the world, no Goldfinger or Dr. No; the villain is a KGB agent trying to prevent a defection. That means, no James Bond props, like the ones Woody is proposing. Stealth would be the order of the day. Oh, by the way, we see a new Condorman comic book, fully inked, colored, and bound, in which Condorman meets an agent much like Natalia.
Bull.
I know nothing about comic publication, but I guarantee you that it would take several weeks, at least, for a comic to go from gestation to hitting the newstands. This problem will crop up again and bite the movie on the ass later on.
Anyway, Harry is somehow able to convince Russ to go along with all this gadgetry; the trade-off is that they’ll have a fall-back plan, which either Russ or Harry will oversee. (I know, Harry’s a file clerk, not a director. The movie seems to forget this.)
So, it’s off to Yugoslavia. Woody disguises himself as an old mountain man and meets up with Natalia in a hilly, rocky area. The reunion is short lived: two of Krokov’s men show up and try to take control of the scene. Woody reveals that his walking stick has a machine gun hidden within, and he proceeds to lay down fire. Sorta. He has no idea how to fire this thing, and the movie spends a minute or two of slapstick as Woody fires wildly. One of the KGB guys runs into a rock and knocks himself cold (Ha! Komedy!). Woody runs out of ammo, then knocks the other KGB guy out, saying his cane is “multi-purpose.”
Back to Moscow. Krokov has gotten word that Natalia was able to escape. He has a good idea of where she’s going, and he orders that they “Send out the Prognoviach, and be sure Morovich is in charge!”
Next, we go to a warehouse of some sort, where we see a guy working at a desk. He gets a phone call, and we’re able to figure out that this is the famous Morovich (Jean-Pierre Kalfon). Kalfon plays him all right (note that the villains in this movie are far more convincing than the heroes), but geez, movie, did you have to give him a ball-bearing eye to make him look “menacing”?
Woody and Natalia drive down a country road in a big, beat-up old truck. There’s a bit of character dialogue, where Natalia basically gives her backstory, including her now-defunct relationship with Krokov. Woody tells her she’s gonna love America, then goes on to list some of the stuff we have. It’s pretty shallow. (For the record, I’ve never had a Big Mac, but I doubt it will be remembered as one of America’s shining achievements.)
We go to an idyllic village. The townspeople go around, doing idyllic village-townspeople stuff, until everyone freezes. They all pay attention to a distant hill, where car engines can be heard (note that you wouldn’t be able to hear this at that distance). Someone whispers, “Prognoviach,” then a church bell rings. Everyone panics and hightails it inside.
The “Prognoviach” (I have no idea if I got the spelling right) is a squad of five black Porsche 911’s. The lead car has a spinning thing on top which, I guess, was supposed to look all cool and techological. I thought it looked like one of those beanies with a propeller on top. Ah! The lead driver is Morovich! We get some goofy bits meant to show us just how oh-so-scary this gang of cars is, then....
We go back to Woody and Natalia, still chuggin’ along. They enter the village, and Woody takes in the small-town charm. Natalia notices that there’s no one around, which Woody shrugs off. Of course, Natalia’s the REAL agent, so she’d probably be the one to listen to. But then, she should also catch on pretty fast that Woody doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Anyway, we see the cars in hidden spots, and I have to wonder why they didn’t, uh, attack here. When they DO go in, it’ll be on open road; they could have cornered Woody and Natalia right quick if they did it in town.
So, Woody and Natalia’s truck gets out of town, on the road, and Morovich orders his crew to go after them. Natalia has fallen asleep during the brief cutaway; Woody wakes her when he sees the cars behind him, telling her they have company. Natalia goes pale when she sees the cars; she tells Woody she knows about this Prognaviach, a KGB pursuit squad. They’re a fearsome bunch, although it’s never made clear what these guys in their cars will do once they catch up to their quarry.
Woody throws a switch on the dashboard, and he and Natalia are lowered into a “futuristic” cockpit. Woody hits a few more keys, and the truck is revealed to be a shell. Out bursts.... (drum roll, please) the Condormobile!
Ay yi yi.
The thing is a big yellow, uh, rocket car. Remember, this is supposed to take place in the real world (sorta). The kiddie version of the Batmobile just doesn’t cut it. Of course, Natalia is thrilled to be riding in this fantastic car! Right.
The stunt work that follows is actually not half bad. One imagines that this would have been a decent car chase scene, if the filmmakers had left well enough alone. No such luck. Ya see, this is the Condormobile! It’s gotta be tricked out with all the latest gadgets, right? Right?
First up is a set of rear-mounted laser guns, and the movie uses the same sound effects library that The Black Hole used. Twemp-i-tump! Twemp-i-tump! The sound effects were put to far better use in TBH. These guns prove to be completely useless. In a better film, this would be a subtle joke; here, one gets the feeling that the filmmakers just couldn’t resist having lasers fire.
Next up is a flamethrower that takes out two of the cars. Then, a car gets ahead of Woody and threatens to play chicken. Woody hits another key and turns the whole front of the Condormobile into a ramp. Nope, I didn’t buy this when I was 12, and I don’t buy it now. Condorman was made in 1981, a year before Knight Rider hit the small screen (and the small screen said “Ouch!”), but I swear this looks like this movie took the ideas that Glen Larson rejected and tried to run with it. Anyway, the car ramps off the Condormobile, crashes into the fourth car, and both get blowed up.
That leaves the lead car, the one with the beanie propeller on top. Natalia sees and recognizes Morovich inside, and she tells Woody that Morovich is “a homicidal maniac!” Urm, Joe Pesci’s character in GoodFellas was a homicidal maniac. This guy is closer to a mini-Terminator, a cold blooded hitman. (By the way, here’s another problem: these guys were clearly trying to kill Woody and Natalia, but everything I’ve seen tells me that Krokov wanted Natalia back alive.)
Anyway, the Condormobile gets to a long wooden dock leading to the ocean. Woody unleashes the final gadget, a set of inflatable pontoons on the sides of the car. I’ve heard that this is a direct rip-off of a gag in a James Bond movie, but the effect itself isn’t too bad. Again, the stunt driving, ramping off the dock, going into the drink, and continuing on, is pretty decent. Morovich watches in amazement as this thing motors away.
Now, in the real world, espionage is all about stealth. I know this movie was meant to be a comic book type deal, but this went way-y-y-y-y over the top. (And you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.) |
Edited by - BradH812 on 09/07/2008 10:11:18 AM
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 09/03/2008 : 10:12:02 PM
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Morovich gets back to Moscow, and Krokov rips him a new one for letting Our Heroes get away. Morovich basically says, “Hey, the guy’s good.” Krokov really unloads on him, revealing what he’s learned: “He is an amateur! He is not an agent of the CIA! He is a writer of COMIC BOOKS!!!” I liked the “Oh sh!t” look that crossed Morovich’s face at this point. Morovich begs Krokov for one more chance to get this guy. Krokov gives him that chance, and hints that it really is one more chance. He then goes to a map, studies it, and points to a spot where Our Heroes are likely to land.
Note that this is the only scene where Krokov really loses his cool. Throughout the rest of the movie, he keeps his voice low and dangerous. Oliver Reed must have thought he was in a real spy movie, or maybe he realized what he’d been dropped into, and he decided to just do his own thing. Whatever the case, any real quality this movie has is due to his performance. Krokov is cold, calculating, and fairly intelligent. Reed underplays him most of the time, letting his screen presence do the job for him. Krokov would be a pretty decent villain for James Bond to match wits with (unfortunately, this means he’d be much more than the heroes can handle, if this movie were consistent). I hope Reed got paid very well for this part.
Woody and Natalia land on the beach in Italy, I think. The Condormobile is never mentioned again, and I assume they ditched or destroyed it. Anyway, they make their way to a small barn and sack out for the night.
They’re rudely awakened the following morning by local police, who arrest them and haul them in. Seems they’ve been implicated in a murder somewhere (here my memory is a little sketchy). Natalia believes this is Morovich’s doing. A high-ranking detective comes in, telling the local police he’ll be taking Our Heroes into custody. He leads Woody and Natalia out, Woody protesting their innocence (and his complaints are awfully whiny; say, at what point do you think Natalia will start to suspect?). Then the detective leans in close, giving Woody a good look, and saying, in an American accent, “Hey, ugly American.” Well, boy howdy, it’s our friend Harry!
They make it out onto the street, just in time to see Morovich and some of his lackeys on their way in. Our Heroes duck into a church, where a wedding is underway. Morovich sneaks in and starts working his way toward Our Heroes. Natalia thinks fast and disrupts the wedding, claiming the groom is already married.... to her. The groom protests this loudly, and Natalia sics her “Uncle Luigi” on him — pointing at Morovich (again, I liked the exasperated “Not again!” look on Morovich’s face; all in all, the villains are much more interesting than the heroes in this flick). A fight ensues, and Our Heroes are able to sneak out during the commotion.
Now, I’m a bit of a prig when it comes to disrupting important events. Screwing up a couple’s wedding as a joke would normally piss me off. While I didn’t find this scene all that funny, it was clever. It showed Natalia as being someone who could think for herself and improvise (throughout the rest of the film, she’s little more than a damsel in distress. Some KGB agent!). And while Morovich wouldn’t have killed her, he certainly would have put a knife in Woody and Harry. Seeing as how this was a life-or-death situation, I ain’t mad.
Note that from this point on, the action will take place in Italy (a member of NATO), Switzerland, and Monaco. So, why doesn’t Harry get Our Heroes to a safe house and wait for Russ to pull them outta there? Because then the movie would be over.
Back to Moscow. I’ll give the movie a mulligan and assume that Krokov has extended Morovich’s “one last chance,” seeing as it was Natalia who outwitted him this time. Anyway, Morovich is for putting up agents along every possible point where Our Heroes can cross the Alps into Switzerland, but Krokov calmly waves him off. He reveals he’s figured out how to stay ahead of Our Heroes. Woody has based everything he’s doing on his comic books. Everything. Krokov has studied some of the comics, and he’s been able to figure out exactly where Our Heroes are planning to cross the Alps. So, they decide to get up to that point, then they can hunker down and wait.
Now, remember, the CIA knew Woody was no spy. So why in the hell did they let this clown call the shots?!
Here’s another problem with the movie, as far as I’m concerned. Michael Crawford was badly miscast. He’s whiny and nasal, not the sort you’d buy at all as a leading man. Okay, if this were a naive guy who was getting in over his head (which is the way I think the movie was trying to portray him), no problem. But this part strikes me as being written for a younger actor, maybe 25 or 26. Michael Crawford was 39 when Condorman was made, kinda long in the tooth for playing a wide-eyed kid. (As for the rest of the heroes’ performances, James Hampton’s work is okay, but nothing special. Barbara Carrera has very little to do other than stand their and look gorgeous. Dana Elcar plays Russ as the Cantakerous Director. Problem is, Russ is RIGHT not to have confidence in Woody.)
Anyhoo, Our Heroes make it to a ski resort in the foothills of the Alps. Harry gets to the shower, and Woody decides to take a nap. Natalia goes for a walk. Ahem. Natalia, Krokov and Morovich are still looking for you! Stay in the room! (No, nothing happens to her here, but still.)
She takes in the scenery, then sees a group of children staring at her. “You are her, aren’t you?” says one kid, in unaccented English. Continuity alert! It’ll be revealed through dialogue in a minute that these kids are local. Oooooops! Anyway, the kids give her a comic book. Laser Lady.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa HOLD ON!!! What’s the time frame of this movie, again? Remember, it’ll be revealed at the end that Woody’s home is in L.A. But he’s been staying at Harry’s place for several weeks now, long enough to go from conceiving the Laser Lady comic to its publication.
This movie’s showing quite a bit of contempt for its audience, n’est-ce pas? Oh, by the way, this is the moment where Natalia realizes who Woody really is. Alert! Alert! Idiot Plot dead ahead! Also, note that the kids leave on cue in a moment, and they leave the comic book with Natalia. Huuuuggggghhhnnnnnn. Let’s Fix the Movie, shall we? Natalia goes to a local newstand to buy some papers, hoping that a story about, say, a murder in a neighboring district, can clue her in on what Krokov is doing. Lo and behold, she sees a rack of comic books for sale here... and one of them is Condorman.
It may have been on another review where I read this, but someone suggested that Hollywood studios should hire film buffs to read their scripts and just point out obvious gaffes. I like the idea; it could clear up a lot of crap like this. Maybe.
Actually, this does lead to a fairly decent moment between Harry and Natalia. Harry comes out of the room, spots Natalia, and jogs up:
Harry: You really scared me! I get out from the shower, you’re gone, Woody’s out like a light, I thought maybe they’d come and—
Natalia: Harry, who are you?
Harry: Huh?
Natalia: Woody is Condorman. I am Laser Lady. Who are you?!
Seeing that the jig is up, Harry goes ahead and spills the beans.
That night, Our Heroes go to a country dance. Natalia makes a fairly clumsy pick-up line to Woody. Woody gives her a strange answer that I think was meant to be this movie’s catchphrase (I don’t remember it exactly; the closest I can get is, “I’ll bring the dip if you’ll bring the Dostoevsky.”). And with that, their romance begins. Um, yeah. Okay. Note that it’s never made clear whether Natalia lets Woody know she’s onto him here. Also, this scene proves that Michael Crawford and Barbara Carrera have no romantic chemistry.
Actually, Disney was still pretty prudish around this time. Their movies had some violence, and some mild profanity, but they were still skittish about showing sexuality of any kind, even a hot kiss. This would continue to be the case, even when they made an honest-to-God classic a couple of years later (but in that movie’s defense, it wasn’t that kind of story by a long shot).
Dissolve to the next day. Woody has brought along a handy-dandy little gizmo: a rocket-propelled ski lift. Seriously! They attach the rocket part to the cable leading to the top of the mountain ridge, then ride up on the T-bar. Um, yeah, wouldn’t that rocket’s thrust snap the cable? Also, is this cable for a cable car? I suppose it is, and it’s the off-season (I’m really bending over backward for the movie here, which I can do, since there are plenty more opportunities to rip into this sucker). Another thing: did Woody manage to smuggle this thing along with him? I don’t think so. And if Russ and his crew were able to get a couple of these things here, why aren’t they just coming in, spiriting Our Heroes away, and getting them back to the gold ol’ US of A?
Oh, did you notice I said “a couple” of these things? There are only two of these rocket-T-bar thingies. Harry’s gonna have to ride piggyback. That’s planning ahead! (If Woody did indeed smuggle these things along, I might buy it, since he didn’t know Harry was along for the ride. Again, though, I can’t see how he’d carry them all this distance.) Note that Harry is riding on Woody’s rig. I imagine that if he rode along with Natalia, it would be a bit lighter. Better yet, have Woody and Natalia ride one of these things and let Harry (the heaviest of the three) ride on the second one. Well, Harry’s afraid of heights, so Woody has to talk him into hitching a ride. Of course, we get some Komedy showing Harry’s fears, but I could understand this. These things look insanely dangerous; they don’t even have so much as a seat belt.
So, they start making their way up the mountain, and we’re treated to a minute or two of shots of the scenery (which does look nice), accompanied to some “oom-pah oom-pah” music.
Uh oh! Krokov and Morovitch are waiting for them at the top of the mountain. Note that there are no witnesses. It’s possible that this is the off-season, but I have trouble believing that this area at the summit would be deserted altogether. Anyway, Krokov confirms that Morovich has Our Heroes in his sights, and he gives the order to shoot. Ka-POW!
No, Morovich doesn’t shoot Woody or Harry (if he did, the movie would be over, and I’d guess-timate that we have at least another half hour to go). Instead, he hit’s Woody’s T-bar, snapping it. Woody and Harry fall into the snow, apparently a fatal fall! Oh no! Whatever will we do?! Natalia screams in horror, seeing Woody and Harry lying in the snow some distance down. Ooooooops, there’s Krokov and Morovich waiting for her at the top. Hi, Gorgeous, we missed ya! They grab Natalia, get her into a waiting helicopter, and take off.
In a lame bit of Komedy, we learn that Woody and Harry weren’t injured(!), and were playing dead. Now, remember, they’re halfway up the side of a mountain, and not decked out for cold weather. Our Heroes would be up sh!t creek here, but we don’t get any indication of this. The next scene finds them back at the ski resort. (rolling my eyes)
Harry gives Woody the dope: Krokov and his crew have Natalia and are holing up at the Russian embassy in Monte Carlo. (No, it’s never revealed how we found this out.) Woody is hell-bent on going after her, but Harry shoots him down: Russ has pulled the plug, telling Our Heroes to cut their losses and come back home. Woody says he can’t go back without Natalia: “I love her, Harry.”* He persuades Harry — much too easily — to give him two more days, then he starts outlining his plan. Note that when Woody professed his love for Natalia, he gave the only semi-serious moment in Michael Crawford’s performance. Once they get back to work, he’s back to wide-eyed Woody. Now, I could buy Woody as an immature fantasist earlier (that is, if a more credible actor had played the part). But at this point, Woody should start showing a little bit more restraint. He knows now just how serious the bad guys are, so he should be a little more serious himself. Nope, ’tain’t gonna happen.
*[It’s amazing how quickly characters can fall in love in the movies. I can buy Woody getting a woody (sorry) over Natalia early on. But falling in love, ready to commit to a life with her, after a few days? Now, good movies (think Blade Runner) can make this credible. Poor movies, like this one... don’t. It doesn’t help that Michael Crawford’s performance is insincere as hell in this scene.]
And while we’re at it, what in the hell possessed Harry to give Woody two more days to spring Natalia? Since she already knows that Woody’s no spy, why not bring in a real agent to get the job done? Now, if Woody had proven to be competent at this sort of thing, I could buy it. But he’s not. What has he really done? Not a lot. He designed the Condormobile. Yippee. Other than that, Woody’s a wash. It was Harry who risked his neck working on a backup plan that actually involved some finesse. And it was Natalia who thought on her feet when Our Heroes were in a bind. Woody? He made up a plan that hewed so closely to a story in one of his beloved comic books that he played right into the bad guy’s hands! Some hero! |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 09/03/2008 : 10:16:31 PM
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We go to Monte Carlo, where Krokov is laying out how things are gonna be from now on. He plans to create a story in which the KGB used Natalia as bait for he supposed “top spy” Condorman. Krokov plans to blame Morovich for failing to capture the guy — and have Morovich killed to shut him up (damn, he IS cold). Once again, Oliver Reed’s performance sells it: one believes that Krokov is one tough customer. He ends the scene with a threat, and I had little trouble believing it. For now, Krokov doesn’t care what (if any) relationship he will have with Natalia in the future. But if she gives him any more trouble, he’ll snap her neck himself.
The next day, a festival of some sort is underway. Krokov’s compound in Monte Carlo is the scene, and among the guests are a little-known sheik and his aide. Actually, it’s Woody and Harry in disguise, and at one point Woody acts the part of an Arabic oil tycoon... badly. Komedy! My memory’s spotty here, but I believe this was the part where they cased out the joint, made sure Natalia was here, then mapped out their escape route.
The festival (or whatever it is) is still underway the next day. Woody and Harry spot Natalia again. Woody says it’s time to make the move. Harry is to give him time to separate Natalia from Krokov, then create their diversion. After a lame joke from Harry, they go to work.
Woody spots Natalia and is able to talk to her in private, revealing himself. Natalia tries to warn Woody away, but Krokov is nearby, so she can’t let her guard down. She coldly tells Woody her version of Krokov’s story: she and Krokov had planned to kidnap this “super-agent” Condorman. They decided to give it up after learning Woody’s true identify; after all, he’s “nothing more than a foolish dreamer who draws comic books.” The thing is, she’s right. That’s a perfect description of Our Hero. Anyway, Krokov approaches, and Natalia makes sure he doesn’t realize who this “sheik” really is. As they turn to go, Natalia makes an offhand remark to Woody: the same strange catch-phrase Woody uttered earlier. Woody realizes that Natalia was putting on an act to protect him (and he acts this part pretty clumsily). And that’s when Harry sets off their little, uh, diversion: he blows up a bomb outside the embassy.
In the confusion, Woody is able to get Natalia away from Krokov, and they haul it to a balcony on the top floor, barricading the door behind them. Down on the ground, Harry high-tails it outta there, taking the Rolls-Royce they brought and peeling out.
Natalia notes that there’s no other way off this balcony, saying, “How will we escape?! Fly?!”
Oh nononononononono.
Yep.
Woody throws off the robes and headdress to reveal his Condorman costume underneath, complete with wings. Natalia’s first reaction: “You’re not serious!” Right on the money, she was. But she quickly goes along, jumping on Woody’s back.
Hold on.
Didn’t this thing fail when Woody first tested it? Remember, that was when it was supporting his weight alone, not having another person ride piggyback! All in all, this is incredibly irresponsible of Woody, risking both their lives like this. I know, I know, it’s supposed to be a fantasy (though, again, the main villain is more of a real-world character). The fact that you’re thinking of practical concerns like this, though, gives a good idea of how badly the movie fails.
Krokov and Morovich burst through the door, then freeze when they see Woody. I really liked the look on Krokov’s face: “You gotta be kidding me!” And with that, Woody and Natalia take flight.
Hey, movie! THHHPPPPPTTTT!
I remember watching this when I was 12, praying that Woody would spread the wings out, lock his arms, and glide as fast as he could (among the many, many merits of Batman Begins, that film made this sort of thing look credible). Nope. He flaps his arms and floats lazily away. Krokov and Morovich start shooting, but they can’t hit this slow-moving target (realized through mediocre matte work). Krokov tells Morovich to “prepare them.” In a moment, we’ll learn what he means like that; somehow, Krokov is able to intuit what Our Heroes’ next move will be.
We’re treated to a couple of minutes of Woody and Natalia superimposed over helicopter shots of Monte Carlo, intercut with Harry tearing ass through the city in the Rolls. Finally, Harry makes it to the rendezvous point on the waterfront. He stops the car and gets out, pulling his disguise off (note that in one shot, Harry still has the bushy eyebrows and dark mop of hair, and in the next shot he’s back to his regular brows and brown hair parted neatly down the side). Ooooooops, he forgot to put the parking brake on the car. Well, it was an expensive car in a “comedy,” so we shoulda seen this coming. The Rolls rolls backward down a ramp, off the dock, and into the drink, as the soundtrack plays “Rule Britannia.” Komedy! Harry watches in dismay, then says to himself, “Easy come, easy go.” Yeah, Harry, say that about your career; I don’t think your boss Russ will take too kindly to losing a car worth at least a hundred grand (in 1981 money) solely because of your own stupidity. No, that won’t happen, but it would in real life.
Anyway, Harry sees Woody approaching, and he guides Woody in for a perfect landing, courtesy of the heavy steel cables holding him up (I looked the other way when the wires were visible in The Black Hole, but I still contend that you had to look for them in most scenes; here, they’re painfully obvious, and this was on regular video in the early eighties). Note that this is supposed to be Woody’s second flight. Try not to think about it too hard, lest your brain explode.
Anyway, they’re on the ground, and the make tracks for (what else?) the Condorboat. Seriously. Oh, and Woody takes off the wings and leaves them behind! No, he doesn’t throw them in the water, or burn them, or even stow them on board the boat, he leaves them for any idiot to find. Nice one, hero.
Of course, Woody uses this moment to ask Natalia if she meant what she said when she put him down earlier (ay yi yi, guy, get a clue!). Natalia said she was trying to get him out of here: “I was afraid you’d try something stupid.” (Her fears were well-founded, weren’t they.) They then start a little lame lovey-dovey talk, and Harry (quite rightly) yells at them to get a move-on.
So, it’s onto the Condorboat. Yep, it’s yellow with feather decals. And a rear-mounted laser cannon. They get out into the harbor, and we see about a half-dozen black speedboats giving chase. Again, how in the hell did Krokov know Our Heroes would take a boat to their final extraction point? What? He saw it in the script? Okay, carry on. Waitaminute, why didn’t Our Heroes make a beeline for the American Embassy, or at least to some place where they could cross the street and get picked up by friendly agents? What? Another IITS moment? They wanted to pad out the movie to ninety minutes and throw in one more action sequence? Okay, carry on.
Anyway, these boats have rocket launchers, and they start attacking (for once, I found something credible here; I had no trouble believing that Krokov had told them to go ahead and cack Natalia along with Our Hero). Woody starts firing the laser (twemp-i-tump, twemp-i-tump), and we’re treated once again to some decent stunt work combined with mediocre effects animation. The short version: Woody blows up every damn one of the speedboats.
And this leads me to talk about what, in my opinion, is one of Condorman’s worst failings. For a “family” film or “kiddie movie,” this thing takes an awfully cavalier attitude toward killing. Woody, who has never even picked up a gun before, has no trouble taking out four cars and drivers, and he salivates over the chance to use this cannon to kill about a half dozen more guys.
The truth is, spy movies and family films usually don’t mix. At all. Espionage carries a good deal of moral ambiguity, and characters in spy flicks are pretty much required to be pretty cold-blooded (this applies both to films like The Spy Who Came In From the Cold and any James Bond flick). I can think of two good spy movies geared toward the younger set. Spy Kids worked because Robert Rodriguez set the story firmly in the world of fantasy. And then there was Cloak and Dagger. If you haven’t seen that film, and have any interest in it at all, skip the next paragraph, which is a spoiler.
Cloak and Dagger had many flaws, but it was smart enough to state flat-out that the world of espionage isn’t a place where most people would want to spend a lot of time. Cloak’s main character is a pre teen, while Condorman had no children in major roles, but the former film is much more mature in its outlook. The main arc behind Cloak and Dagger is as follows: Davey (played by Henry Thomas) is an eleven year-old boy who has an overly romanticized view of what it would be like to be a spy. During the course of the movie, Davey is thrown into the middle of a real spy ring, and circumstances force him to take on the villains single-handedly. Davey makes some serious blunders, and he also realizes he’s in way over his head. Toward the end, though, he starts to get the hang of things, outwitting the villains, and showing that he does indeed have what it takes to be an agent... except for one important thing. Davey doesn’t have the killer instinct. In my favorite scene, near the end of the film, Davey and the villain (a particularly nasty piece of work played nicely by Michael Murphy) face off. Davey holds a loaded gun on Murphy, but Murphy isn’t the least bit worried. He gives a swagger speech and calmly reloads his own weapon, guessing — correctly — that Davey can’t pull the trigger. At the last instant, though, Davey’s fear gives way to rage, and he puts a bullet through Murphy’s heart. When his anger cools down, Davey realizes what he has done. It was obviously self-defense, but Davey is sickened by his act; he’s through playing spy.
There’s more to the movie than that, but I was simplifying it for brevity’s sake. Now, compare that scenario with Condorman. Cloak and Dagger had a much better bead on things, didn’t it.
ZZZZZAP!!!
(Management: Ahhhhhh, that ditzy blonde you saw for a while was dirty-sexy, but she was a psychotic nightmare to deal with, wasn’t she?)
Will you stop prying into my file of old girlfriends?!?!
(Management: Will you stop going off on tangents and finish the damn review?! You’ve done an admirable job of tightening things up this time around. I’d hate to describe your other relationships. Not that there were all that many.)
All right already! Sheesh! I think I preferred Louie and the fire hose— JOKE! That was a JOKE!
(Management: Darn.)
Okay, while I was being abused by that clown, Woody done did kilt all those speedboat drivers, and the Condorboat makes for the extraction point.
Uh oh! Bum bum BUM! Here comes one more boat. And Morovich and Krokov are at the wheel. We have more chasing, firing rockets, Woody’s gun going twemp-i-tump twemp-i-tump, and one notices that Woody’s aim has gotten much worse. Finally, in a strange bit, both Krokov’s rocket launcher and Woody’s gun go poof. I think Woody hit the launcher and knocked it out, but it’s not really explained what happened to his gun (remember, this is remembering twenty-plus years, but again, I’d bet money that this is dead on target). So, Woody yells to Harry to “head for the skylift!”
Ahhhhhhh, there’s a big rescue helicopter hovering near a rocky cliff. Our Heroes burn rubber— uh, kick up waves, shooting for the chopper. Morovich jams the throttle open, wanting to ram Our Heroes. At long last he’s acting like the homicidal maniac Natalia described. Krokov realizes, um, this ain’t a good idea. He shouts at Morovich to give it up and head home, but no go. Krokov thinks, "Screw THIS!" and jumps off into the water.
Woody gets to the chopper and hooks the Condorboat onto the towline. The helicopter starts reeling in the Condorboat, and Morovich shoots by underneath. Uh oh! Rocky cliffs ahead! Note that when Morovich sees the cliffs, he has several seconds to try and do something. I don’t know if it would work, but he doesn’t even try. He gives a loooooong scream, crashes into the cliff, and goes ka-blam-o. Must’ve been an Atomic Speedboat; the explosion is huge.
Our Heroes look down to see Krokov splashing in the water and shaking his fist at them. They laugh and wave toodle-oo, and the helicopter flies them away.
We dissolve to some time later (I’ll assume it’s a few weeks). Woody, Natalia, and Harry are back in the good ol’ US of A. Woody is apparently on a date with Natalia, at a baseball game in Dodger Stadium. Oh, Harry’s there, too. What is this guy, their chaperone?! Woody points skyward; Natalia looks up to see the Goodyear blimp flash a message welcoming her to America.
Yeah, good one. Clearly Natalia had some very useful knowledge if our government was gonna spend that time and money getting her over here. I don’t think announcing her presence like this is the smartest idea in the world.
On board the blimp, we see Russ arguing with his superior. Seems the CIA chief has a new job for someone, and he wants a spy as “skillful” as this Condorman at the helm. Russ protests this, and he’s absolutely right. Reference my paragraph on Woody’s skills — or complete lack thereof — as a secret agent. Anyway, CIA chief insists, and Russ radios Harry: get the ball rolling.
Harry acknowledges this, turns off his radio, then leans forward, telling Woody, “Hey, old buddy, how would you like to take Condorman to....” He whispers into Woody’s ear, and Woody’s eye go wide with delight as Natalia tries to listen in.
Freeze frame, we hear a couple more “Con-dor-maaaaaaaan!” choruses from that damn choir, and with that, the movie is over.
Clearly, Disney was hoping to parlay this into a franchise, a kiddie version of James Bond. Condorman tanked at the box office, putting the kibosh on that plan pretty quickly. Whew!
Wrapping It Up
This will probably be too brief to qualify as Afterthoughts, since I think I said everything I wanted to in the review proper. Again, this whole thing was done from memory, and it’s frightening how well I remembered this turkey. If I ever get the chance to see this movie again, I’ll add to this review. However, I suspect that 95% of the above was dead-on accurate, and any additions will be concerning details, such as cinematography, or obvious continuity goofs, and the like. The only speculation I’ll do is that I’d probably say that Charles Jarrott is pretty decent with staging chase sequences, but Condorman gives a good idea of why he’s not considered one of the Great Directors.
Finally, I’ll repeat my compliments to Oliver Reed. His performance (and to a lesser degree, that of Jean-Pierre Kalfon) is the one thing about this movie that worked. I consider Midnight Madness to be the nadir of Disney’s existence. If it weren’t for Reed’s presence, Condorman would have a shot at that dubious title.
As Food would say, End of Dissection.
(Management: Oh, bravo, Brad, bravo.)
Why thank you. And I’m sure you’re not being the least bit sarcastic. Yeah, it’s a relief to finally be done with this crap—
(Management: Dost mine ears deceive me? Remember our deal? You still owe me a movie, boy! And since Disney made nothing but crap during this time, the torture is just beginning— Wait a minute, why are you grinning like that?)
Excusez-moi? “Nothing but crap”? Who told you that? Michael Eisner? Disney had more than its share of garbage on Ron Miller’s watch, but a lot of their stuff was pretty good. Amy and Night Crossing were quite good. Something Wicked This Way Comes had significant problems, but it was pretty solid (with a fantastic villain). As goofy as Tron was, it was an honest-to-God landmark is movie history. Tex did a better job of adapting S. E. Hinton’s work than anything Francis Ford Coppola tried.
And then.... Oh yeah.
(Management: Wait a minute, you don’t mean—?)
Yep, I mean the movie that became an instant classic. Some minor flaws, but they didn’t keep it from being honestly great, in my opinion. The one that showed that The Mouse was ready to tackle more mature themes in a challenging way.
(Management: No! NO! I forbid you write a review for—)
Ah ah ah, Management. A deal’s a deal.
(Management: That’s it! I’m not staying around for this. If you need me, I’ll be in my office!)
Um, that’s not your office, that’s the broom clos—
SLAM!
(Management: Mm, mmm-mmmmmm! Mmm mm mmm mm mmmm!)
Hey, it’s not MY fault you busted up the latch when you crashed outta there last time. I’d call the locksmith to get you out, but, well.... I can't remember the phone number.
(Management: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!) |
Edited by - BradH812 on 09/07/2008 10:45:30 AM |
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Food
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - 09/06/2008 : 4:06:49 PM
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**vommmmiiiiiittt!!!!**
I don't fault you for doing it all from memory rather than watching it anew. I don't wanna remember ever seeing the movie. It was ass-maggotry. You're tougher than steel, Brad! |
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Terrahawk
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
644 Posts |
Posted - 09/11/2008 : 09:25:23 AM
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Brad, your mentioning Robert Sheckley made me think of the 50's sci-fi radio program X-Minus1.
http://www.archive.org/details/XMinus1_A
It's free to download as it is in the public domain. The episodes have some classic sci-fi stories. It's nice to listen to while mowing the lawn.
I summon Bigger Fish! |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 03/20/2010 : 11:02:51 PM
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As of March 20, 2010, Condorman can be viewed in its entirety on YouTube.
Yes, I watched it.
*taking a LOT of aspirin*
Okay, here's what I got wrong:
The passage of time was handled a little bit better than I remembered it, though it's still pretty suspect.
The final chase with the speedboats, shock of shocks, was pretty well done, including the effects animation. Of course, when they had close shots of Woody and Co., it was obviously done on stage with rear projection. It got sucky again when Krokov and Morovich showed up, and my statements about the movie's attitude toward killing still stand.
There were a few very minor details that I got wrong, but they have no bearing on the story. It's frightening how well I remembered this thing; my 95% estimate wasn't far off. Barbara Carrera's performance was.... okay. Not great, but she didn't need to do much. Dana Elcar and Jean-Pierre Kalfone did decent work. Oliver Reed was a bad-ass villain. James Hampton's performance went back and forth between kinda-sorta decent and school-play amateurish. Michael Crawford's acting.... BLECH!!!
So, Food, if I went for the kill and TRIPLE Dog Dared you to watch the movie, would you do it? |
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Food
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
342 Posts |
Posted - 03/22/2010 : 08:43:39 AM
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**spastically shakes head**
No! NO! Nonononono!!!! I can't do it, I give up! You win! |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 03/23/2010 : 05:09:33 AM
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Food, let me guess: you were never foolish enough to get your tongue stuck to a flagpole, were you.
You are quite wise, my friend; I can't say I blame you for backing out on this thing. |
Edited by - BradH812 on 03/23/2010 05:09:51 AM |
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Condorman — Disney flicks 4
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