Let us look at the strange, sad case of Patrick Swayze. Patrick made his name with Dirty Dancing and Ghost, two of the gloopiest movies ever to unspool. Filled with more syrup than Vermont, the two films were undeniable box office hits. (I admit to a soft spot for Ghost but I have never, ever, understood the appeal of Dirty Dancing.) Patrick’s troubles began when, instead of capitalizing on the massive popularity of Ghost, he withdrew to make an "important" movie. He emerged with City of Joy, a dreary film in which he was woefully miscast. It sank without a trace and his streak was over.

Roadhouse actually came between his two blockbusters. Still, it provides a glimpse at what Patrick would spend the rest of his career doing. Its excessive violence and good guys-versus-big bad capitalists theme would be echoed in later masterworks such as Black Dog and Father Hood.

Yet let’s not get ahead of ourselves, we have this turkey to carve. We open on a long, slow shot of a neon sign. Sloooowly we pan down the sign (we do have nearly two hours to fill). Generic Rock Ballad # 1 picks up. The sign reads Band Stand and underneath it "LIVE MUSIC" flashes off and on. Pulling away to show a parking lot in front of the club, a cherry of a sports car pulls into a space.

The door opens and a shapely pair of legs ending in high heels appears. Did I rent To Wong Foo by mistake? The camera takes a good bit of time to check out these legs and follow them into the club. As it pulls back we see that their owner is wearing a Lyrca dress with big Day Glo squiggles on it. She’s also suffering from poodle hair. I should warn you now this movie is stricken with a bad case of The ‘80s. Incidentally we never see the girl’s face and she never appears again. Well, it did eat up half a minute.

The camera focuses on a white limo pulling up to the doorway of the club. "Airport Limousine Service" is spelled out on the door with those gold letters you buy at the hardware store. Out steps a ruddy-faced man. He’s decked out in Miami Vice reject duds; gray sports jacket with sharp lapels, black shirt, pants and a bolo tie.

He walks up to the bouncer at the door, flashes his card and is let in. He ambles through the crowd. The camera goes over the customers to the band on stage, the source of Generic Rock Ballad #1. The lead singer resembles a svelte Meat Loaf. The ruddy-faced man looks around at the swinging joint. Close-up on people placing money on trays. Next a Gold Am Ex is dropped on one. A looped in voice cracks, "How bout some gold plastic?" A slang term so lame I don’t believe it ever caught on, even in The ‘80s.

The ruddy-faced man’s gaze travels to a Mullet. Underneath that Mullet is the inimitable Patrick Swayze. He is jerking his chin up and down, supposedly in time to the music, but instead looking like a pelican swallowing a fish. A sound of breaking glass is foleyed in, and Patrick’s Mullet turns. It seems a deal has gone sour between a pair of women and two men. One of the guys kicks a lady out of her chair. A fight is about to break out but several black shirted and burly bouncers appear and subdue the pair.

The willowy Pat ambles up. The dark haired one assures him they were doing nothing wrong. Pat nods his head, signaling for them to be escorted out. Once let go the man lunges at him with a knife and gets him good in the arm. Restrained again, he sneers "Okay, Dalton. I’ve always wanted to try you, I think I can take you." Patrick purses his womanly lips and intones "Outside".

The two men are dragged out and turn to face Patrick. He eyes them coolly for a moment and then…walks back inside. The rest of the bouncers block the goons’ reentrance. Patrick walks by the Ruddy-Faced Man, who follows him. The GRB #1 still plays over the screen. It’s an imaginative little ditty that advises the listener to "Don’t Throw Stones." Good advice. Rotten tomatoes are a much better choice.

Cut to the bathroom where Patrick/Dalton is sewing up his sizeable wound. Throughout this film Patrick will be shown to react to even the most intense situations with the same stoic countenance. It’s supposed to make him seem to posses a Zen-like tranquility. Instead you wonder if Patrick took a few horse tranquilizers before showing up for the day’s filming.

The Ruddy-Faced Man asks if he can speak to him. Patrick eyes him coolly, "I don’t know you." The RFM (I’m sick of typing that out) nervously clears his throat. "The name’s Tillman, Frank Tillman." He puts on his expositor cap and talks about how he owns a bar "just outside Kansas City", the Double Duce. He laments that it used to be a "sweet deal." Lately, though, it’s become the kind of place where you "Sweep up the eyeballs after closing."

He mentions that he has come into the some money, and at the world money he breaks into an evil grin. [Future Jessica: Actually, despite his suspicious behavior here, he turns out to be on the level. I don’t know if his performance was intended to cast a red herring or merely plain bad acting.] He needs a ‘Cooler,’ a sort of head bouncer, and Dalton’s the best. Funny how in Movieland, no matter how marginal the occupation, there’s always "The Best." I wonder what it means to be "The Best" bouncer. "Gee, Ted, when it comes to dislodging the jawbone with one blow nobody does it better than you."

We are spared further reflection by Dalton’s low-key (what else?) response. "Wade Garrett’s the best," he avers. "Wade Garrett’s getting old," comes the reply. "He’s still the best." Wow, the screenwriter earned his dime here, I must say. Patrick states, "Five thousand up front, five hundred a night. You pay for all medical expenses. I run the show, my way. When it’s done I walk."

Somewhat nonplussed at being put in his place, Tillman reluctantly agrees. He offers Patrick a plane ticket. Patrick refuses. "I don’t fly, too dangerous." Ah the Cool Irony of our hero, ladies and gentlemen. You see, he’s the rough and tumble dude ready for any fight. (Well, at least of having musclemen remove his opponents and then staring them down in an awesome display of non-fighting.) Yet he won’t fly because it’s "too dangerous". Do you see how clever this is?

The owner of the Band Stand walks in. He’s none too happy to see Patrick leave, and fumes a bit as Tillman makes for the door. Before he exits Tillman tosses off what will become the film’s running ‘joke.’ "You know, I’d thought you’d be bigger." Frankly, so did I. I mean, for "The Best" bouncer and all I was picturing some Vin Diesel type. Mmm. Vin Diesel, Pitch Black…uh, sorry about that. Look, Patrick is in good shape. It’s just that his wiry frame calls to mind a yoga instructor rather than a brute army of one.

Cut to Patrick driving his wreck of a car to the garage. It’s time for Our Hero to earn some Authenticity Points ™, so he banters with the black attendant before tossing him the keys. "It’s yours," he says. He goes into the garage and rolls up a drop cloth, revealing a swank Mercedes with New York tags. What a guy, gives away the wreck and keeps the sedan.

The New York tags also throw a wrench into things. Where exactly is this taking place? Patrick says he’ll drive to Jasper, the location of the Double Duce. When he arrives it looks like later the same night. There’s no way he could drive from New York to Missouri in one night. Later it’s mentioned he went to NYU. So either he bought the car in New York and kept in storage while he worked at the Band Stand, or else the screenwriter’s a doofus. I’d bet the rent on the latter.

Patrick pops a white cassette into the tape deck. Generic Rock Ballad #2 pops up. The tune sings "We’re on the road again," neatly paralleling the events of the movie. Hey, here’s a thought: How about just playing a series of songs titled "New Guy in Town," "Laying Down the Law," "Requisite Love Interest," "Undeveloped Villain," "Final Battle," "Happy Endings" and be done with the film? No? Well, I guess it was too much to ask for.

We waste a few seconds on close-ups of Patrick, shown Staring Intently while driving. He pulls into the lot of the Double Duce. The credits finally come to an ahhhhhhhhhh! Oh, I’m sorry. I thought I saw "Produced by Joel Silver" appear. Let me check that. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Sweet Baby Jesus, this is going to hurt.

Dalton gets out of his car as a motley group of bikers eye him suspiciously. A burly man in a green shirt tosses a guy out of the club. "Don’t come back, Peckerhead," he snarls. Uh yeah, thanks. Dalton enters and we see the band performing behind a chicken wire cage (!). The audience catcalls and throws bottles at the stage. "Bring on the real band!" is shouted from off camera. I don’t get it. I mean the place is rough and all. But the guy is a pretty good honky tonk singer, which would seem to match the clientele. Maybe they’re the sort of rednecks who prefer a little Celine Dion with their black eye.

Dalton looks at the singer and smiles, his Mullet enjoying the music for a moment. Then a fight breaks out at the table behind him and he turns. A bouncer jumps up and tries to get the other bouncer at the table to help him stop the fight. "[Crude slang term for sexual intercourse] it, they’re brothers," he says, returning to his efforts at wooing the lady at his side.

Dalton watches the fight, not doing anything of course. The brothers curse at each other. This script is needlessly profane. The writer may think he’s channeling Scorsese but really he’s desperately trying to hide the fact that he can’t write dialogue.

The bouncer suavely romances his lady friend. "I get off at two and would love to get you off a half hour after that." My, my. What girl wouldn’t fall in a dead faint at the guy’s feet with those words? Dalton smiles and shakes his head. He walks to the bar and takes his post at the end. At another table a woman pulls a wad of cash out of her bra. "Not here," a woman hisses, "follow me to the bathroom." I’m guessing it’s a drug deal, although why she would be worried about being in the open with this crowd is a mystery.

The band finishes up their number and rolls into another one. Near the table sit three women dressed far too nicely for this place. The blonde gets up to freshen her drink. Her hair is severely blown out, giving us an idea of what Tipper Gore would have dressed like had she been a barroom skank. Her glazed eyes take in an eyeful of Patrick’s Mullet and she hands her glass to the bartender, requesting a "Vodka rocks."

Suddenly your thirty year-old unemployed brother pops up. "Hey, Vodka Rocks, what’s say we get nipple to nipple." The green-shirted bouncer we saw earlier appears over his shoulder, his face a mixture of beard and Clancy Brown-ishness. "I can do that without you." the blonde says. Pausing to give Patrick a "Ain’t I a tramp?" look, she makes to leave. Your brother reaches to grab her but the Poor Man’s Clancy Brown tackles him, sending him flying into a pair of bouncer’s arms.

He next gives Patrick the stinkeye. "If you’re not drinking you’re out of here." "Hey," a chipper voice behind him pipes up, "don’t let him bother you. Morgan was born an [crude anatomical slang term] and just grew bigger." This delectable piece of dialogue is issued by a young waitress. She’s wearing an armful of bracelets and has mousy brown hair with cute bangs.

"I’m Carrie Ann," she shouts over the din. "You need anything, just let me know." Her bubbly personality and forward manner should have the dedicated Jabootuist’s Odious Comic Relief alarm bells ringing like mad. She tries again, "You got a name?" "Yeah," Patrick’s Mullet regards her coolly. "Well, what is it?" she squeaks. "Dalton." The Poor Man’s Phoebe Cates reacts in shock. "Oh, I heard of you!" Meanwhile, the bartender slams his fist down. "Carrie Ann! What are you waiting for, Christmas? Move!" Little Carrie shuffles off grumbling. How could he be so mean? Making her get the customer’s order to them in a timely fashion.

RFM reappears, righting a phone in its hook. He goes by a guy passed out on the floor. "Get him out of here," he barks, as he heads up the steps to his office. I’m sorry, I’m still getting evil vibes off this guy. I blame Hollywood. The signs are all there, he’s a white business owner and he’s taking steps to see that said business makes money. Money, brrr….

The band wraps up their set. One irate customer yells, "You’re paid to play, play!" and hurtles a bottle of beer at the stage. The singer winces and clutches his eye, and again Patrick does nothing. Instead, he makes his way to the door on the side of the stage. He grins and puts his finger to his lips at the other band members. Sneaking up the singer, he quips, "you play pretty good for a blind white boy." Blind? Oh brother. See, not only does Patrick converse with minorities, he’s friend to the handicapped. "And I thought you’d be bigger," comes the salty reply. They hug and play catch up.

Cut to Carrie Ann excitedly telling another bouncer "You know who that is? Dalton!" Meanwhile, Blindy the Wonder Cripple returns to the stage and Patrick settles in to watch, his Mullet flayed out like the crest of a tropical bird. The bartender growls to the Poor Man’s Clancy Brown. "You know who that is at the end of the bar? Dalton."

This signals the 86^th abrupt cut to a pair of bouncers. One says to the other "[He] killed a guy once, ripped his throat right out." Through this none-too-subtle device we learn that Dalton is a Man with a Reputation who has a Mysterious Past. Anyone getting a whiff of Steven Segalitis? Won’t be the last time.

Next appears the sleaziest scene in the film, which is saying something. Your generic bar tart sits at a table with her pimp of sorts. He notices two men ogling her. He tells the men that for twenty dollars they can kiss her breasts. My disgust at the unfolding scene is replaced by laughter as the guy enthusiastically exclaims, "Are you kidding?" sounding exactly like a kid in a 1950s TV commercial. Gee, Billy, Ms. Nimbaugh sure is swell. Not only does she give us Ovaltine, she lets us touch her ta tas.

One gets up and goes to her table. He begins to fondle her without paying. Cut to Dalton, his Mullet bristling in disapproval. The pimp asks the fondler why he doesn’t kiss them. "I ain’t got twenty bucks." Wa-wa-wa. Huggy Bear: The Sequel gets up and slaps the freeloader a good one. He tumbles back, knocking several people over domino style. Someone learned to choreograph fights from the Three Stooges, I see. This triggers our first GBRB, or Generic Bar Room Brawl, begins.

The Poor Man’s Clancy Brown gets in on the action as we are treated to random scenes of random violence. A woman breaks a candy glass bottle over a man’s head. He turns and pops her hard in the mouth. Cut to a patron yukking it up. Violence toward women, it’s a crowd pleaser, ladies and gentlemen. Patrick sighs and shakes his head, as if to say, "Oh, you crazy kids." His Mullet slinks to safety.

The women have gathered on the sides. A man lunges for Carrie Ann. She slugs him and hits him over the head with her tray, squeals "bastard," and finally fells him with a candy glass bottle. Naturally, the band has been calmly playing through this; it wouldn’t be Komedy otherwise.

Cut to the guy who was yukking it up earlier, and who sounds eerily like Pee Wee Herman. A comical redheaded waitress – ‘cause red heads are funny -- picks up a bottle and throws it with all her might. It hits Pee Wee square in the head. He crosses his eyes, sticks out his tongue and falls to the floor. The producer’s brother, ladies and gentlemen. The redhead covers her mouth in shock as if she didn’t mean to hit him. Oh please. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, sister, a nation of moviegoers thanks you. Meanwhile, Tillman motions for Patrick to come upstairs. Probably to have a chat on why "The Best" didn’t do a damn thing why his bar was ripped to pieces.

Cut to later that night. The Bartender hands a dishtowel to one of the bouncers. He curses; he was the one hitting on the woman earlier. He also has a mullet, but it is an evil one. Flecked with silver, Gor, the Evil Mullet is resentful for being forced to hang around this loser for support. He – the bouncer, not the Mullet -- asks for a mirror and swears when he sees his eye. Hmm, vain and slacking off on the job. Your days are numbered, pal. Only Patrick’s allowed to do nothing, and don’t you forget it. PMCB (Poor Man’s Clancy Brown) chews Our Hero out for not helping. He speaks some immortal dialogue and Patrick regards him placidly. You know, from certain angles Pat looks like a gecko. He gets the last word with "Opinions vary" and leaves.

Fade to the next day. Pat arrives at a used car lot. The owner spots him looking at a real wreck. I guess his MO is buying a wreck while working so if they damage it, no biggie. The owner walks up to him; another ruddy faced balding man out of a movie that has hundreds. "She’s a real runner!" he offers. Pat does a fourth rate James Dean impression. "I’ll take her."

Pat drives through a sylvan glen. He pulls in front of the sort of idyllic farmhouse and barn that never existed outside a movie set. The owner, with his long gray beard and overalls, looks like Santa Claus on vacation. The Guitar of Tenderness strums in the background. Pat inquires if he’s the one with a room to rent. Santa drawls "Come on." He takes him to the loft of the barn.

"You honest?" Santa queries.
"Yes sir."
"You expect me to believe that?"
"No sir."

They share a laugh. Okay, I’m going to assume that was a male bonding ritual that went over my little feminine head. Patrick explores the nicely decorated loft. The sound of a helicopter is foleyed in. Pat opens the window, and across the lake we spy a huge mansion boasting a well-manicured lawn. A helicopter appears overhead. We cut to an aerial shot of Pat. Coleman Francis has hijacked this picture! The chopper makes a swoop over the house, spooking the horses. "Goddammit!" Santa curses. He’s madder than that time the elves forgot to forward him that shipment of Playstation Twos. He and Pat run down the loft’s stairs.

Watching from the interior of the chopper, in an EEEE-vil white suit with an EEEE-vil white hat, sits a man with an EEEE-vil smile across his face. It’s Our Villain, ladies and gentlemen. The chopper lands on the lawn of his palatial estate. The smirk has yet to leave his face. He appears to be a grown-up version of Hugo the Dummy from Mystery Science Theater 3000. There he was taunted for wanting ham. Now he has turned into one.

Santa and Pat are calming the horses. Santa insists that the man swoops over the house "just to piss him off". Pat asks who and Santa spits out "Brad Wesley." [Editor Ken: Wesley is played by veteran heavy Ben Gazzara; apparently Robert Loggia and Richard Crenna were unavailable.] Mr. Wesley gets out of his chopper and casts a no doubt EEEE-vil look at Pat and Santa. The two chat a bit more and Pat calls him ‘Sir.’ Santa replies with a bit of Immortal Dialogue. There are a few more bits of excruciating banter setting up how nice Santa is and how is will be so tragic when Wesley rains destruction down upon his farm. (Oops, didn’t mean to blow it for you.)

Cut to The Bar Evolution Forgot, where Tillman is holding a staff meeting. He explains how important The Deuce is to him. In order to protect his investment he’s hired "the best damn cooler in the business." Guess we have wildly different definitions of "The Best". He says that Dalton’s word is law and relinquishes the floor. Pat’s Mullet fixes the crowd with a steely gaze.

Pat’s first act as law is to fire PMCB. As he angrily takes his pay he tells Dalton "You’re a dead man." The Waitress who was dealing drugs is next to go. Next he begins his speech, calling to mind the St. Crispin’s Day oratory had Henry V in fact been written by a thousand monkeys. "I’m telling you now, it’s my way or the highway." Perhaps if you weren’t being played by Patrick Swayze people would heed that.

They’ve got to clean up the clientele is the gist of it. His list of targets includes "40 year old adolescents, felons, power drinkers, and trustees of modern chemistry." The few tendons of suspension of disbelief you may have desperately clung to are severed during this scene. The Petite Pat is well spoken, succinct and uses plenty of 400 level SAT words...and he’s a bouncer. Oh, yeah, the technical term is "Cooler," but let’s not kid ourselves, he’s a bouncer. Patrick Swayze as a resort lothario/dance instructor I could buy, but a renowned and feared bouncer? No. He’s got the least convincing build for an action hero since Pumaman.

His advanced vocabulary and skillful wordplay only serve to exacerbate the problem. He should be the new teacher all the girls have a crush on, not taming a "notorious gin joint." Nevertheless, Pat tells them they must "be nice" and not take insults "personally." The gallery of Mullets on display before him widen their eyes in disbelief but shrug "okay". Gor gives him some lip though. "[W]hat if they call my momma a whore?" "Is she?" Ohh, that burns, Pat.

The bar is back in business. The crowd is rough but noticeably tamer than last night’s bunch. Vodka Rocks is there too. Pat is at his post watching intensely. Someone asks him if he wants his coffee "Leaded or Unleaded?" I think a piece of me died hearing that dialogue. Pat catches the bartender skimming form the till. His attention is caught by a girl who has leapt on the table and is shaking in a vaguely sexy manner. I think she went to the same dancing school as The Girl in Gold Boots. He tells a bouncer, Hank, to take care of it. You are so totally worth 500 a night, Pat.

Hank tries to get the girl to come down, a guy harasses him and naturally it turns violent. The goon flicks out a switchblade and weaves back and forth. If not for the Hawaiian print shirt and poodle pile of curls he might actually be threatening. Pat finally makes his *cough * dramatic appearance. Grasping the guy’s arm he twists it waaaay back, then slams his head on the table. He tosses him to Hank to be escorted out.

All the extras can only gaze on in wonder. A severe close-up on Vodka Rocks shows her Precious Moments eyes going wide. Tillman confides to the bartender, "He’s good, real good." Then comes a scene I, or any other human for that matter, never needed to see. Gor is being, er…intimate with a female patron. Pat pops in, pauses to catch the action, and then tells Gor he’s history. Next he tells the bartender to take a walk for skimming. Sticky Fingers pouts and stomps off. Tillman tells the gathered employees. "It was a good night, nobody died." Pat’s Mullet takes a dramatic pause. "It will get worse before it gets better." Bum Bum BUM!

[Editor Ken: Actually, Pat’s Mullet proves quite the prognosticator here. During the remainder of the film, it does indeed get worse. Meanwhile, it’s been nearly fifteen years since Road House came out, and it still hasn’t get any better.]

Pat leaves the establishment and sees his car has been trashed. Same old smirk. That’s really becoming annoying. Realizing we’ve come this far without gratuitous nudity, the director cuts to Wesley’s mansion. A throng of bathing beauties, some topless, scamper down to the pool. Patrick, who was reading by the window in his loft apartment, watches with disdain. Wesley walks into the fracas. He is wearing an incredibly fey pink robe. A dorky guy shakes his groove thang on a chair. Wesley chuckles and pinches his cheek. Uh, I’m lost here folks. Topless girls are tossed into pools and couples make out. A hamfisted attempt to suggest a Roman air of carnality for sure, but nothing’s more shocking than your average Girls Gone Wild! tape.

Patrick turns away and goes to sleep. No frolicking for this warrior. The next morning Patrick is awakened by Carrie Ann coming up the stairs. He groans, as anyone accosted by the Odious Comic Relief is wont to do. She has brought him breakfast. He gets out of bed, thus affording us a good look at his floury white behind. I try to stifle my giggles while Carrie opens wide her mouth, assuming an aspect of reverence usually reserved for the Shroud of Turin. Patrick lights yet another cigarette. If he smoked that much in today’s movies he’d be the villain. Carrie pushes the plot along by telling him he shouldn’t have fired the bartender. Pat says it’s his problem. "I can’t help but feel like I’m lookin’ at a dead man," Carrie opines. "Everywhere I go I seem to hear that joke." Uh, where, Pat? You should establish these things, you know.

Now comes the scene that pushes this film straight into Jabootu land. In your typically overpriced red sports car is Wesley. Now he is driving down the wrong side of the street, swerving in and out. He’s blithely singing to the radio. He runs Pat off the road and smiles into the rearview mirror. Ah, yes, the Evil White Rich Guy.

Give it a rest, Hollywood. Politics aside, it’s lazy writing and it drains any suspense from the story. Why does Wesley act the way he does? Does Pat always have to be right? What happened to Wesley to make him the way he is? How does he behave in his personal relationships? Was he born wealthy or did he have to work for his money? But no, he’s white, he’s got dough and he’s EEEE-vil. Nuff said.

Yet that still doesn’t explain his behavior here. Yes, he may own the town and have no regard for the rules. Still, he’s never presented as having a death wish. He’s greedy but even he would know that all the money in the world won’t do you a bit of good if you’re dead. It is this outrageously over the top presentation of the hero, in all his Buddhist monk austerity, and the lecherous, morally corrupt villain (without the slightest hint of camp) that bring this movie into Jabootu’s fold.

Fade to Pat sitting outside "Red’s Auto Parts". Red pulls up in his pickup, his business being in view of the Deuce. There’s some more painful Kentucky fried dialogue and Pat goes to the register to pay for his purchase. The ring of the door opening is heard behind Pat. Red’s eyes go wide with fear, while Pat’s Mullet arches it’s back with apprehension. It’s Wesley and his Overacting Glowering Henchman #1. The henchman must have spontaneously generated because when we saw Wesley in the car he was alone. This particular OGH is marked by a cross earring. There is an unfortunate close-up where he gives Pat the sort of hilarious "I’m gonna get you, sucka" look that only a tremendously untalented actor can provide.

Pat, employing his well-honed skill of leaving when things get too heated, splits. Wesley slithers on to the counter and flicks a few flies with his tongue. Ok, maybe not, but he might as well considering how subtly Gazzara plays him. "It’s a lovely day," he hisses. "It was," mumbles Red.

At the barn, which is looking more and more like a used Dirty Dancing set, Santa has discovered Pat’s Mercedes. He scratches his head and gazes outside. Now comes a little scene for the ladies. Pat, rubbed in glycerin to porn star perfection, is doing Tai Chi. I was able to ignore the fact that they were trying to present Keanu Reeves as a Zen master in The Matrix because of the presence of Laurence Fishburne and some truly awesome special effects. Here I am not granted such distractions and I can focus on how fully ridiculous having Patrick Swayze as a martial arts hero is. A few more pointless shots of Pat and we cut to Santa, looking as perplexed as the audience.

Back to the Bar of Bad Hair. Pat is called up to Tillman’s office. He enters and finds Sticky Fingers waiting with some goons. Tillman is looking none too pleased and Pat’s Mullet raises in alarm. After some time-wasting banter they come out with it. Sticky Fingers is Wesley’s nephew (oh brother!) and he best be rehired. Turns out that while Tillman owns the bar Wesley supplies the liquor.

Well, Pat is having none of that. The goons attack and the nephew jumps out with a big honking knife. Good thing they cut away from him because he wasn’t shown carrying it earlier. Like Pat’s previous knife-welding foe, this guy is ratty and out of shape. To paraphrase Tom Servo, I guess Pat’s powers lie in choosing incompetent enemies.

Tillman gets up to help but is socked in the stomach for his troubles. Pat assumes the traditional martial arts stance, weaving back and forth and causing much unintentional mirth in the audience. Nephew attacks his shirt, in the next frame we see it coated with blood. Long scene short: Game, Set, and Match to Pat. His job completed, he stumbles to the back door.

At a brightly lit hospital we see our heroine arrive. She’s wearing a white coat, stethoscope and red mini. You know, the usual doctor’s garb. Her hair is braided and she’s wearing glasses so that we can’t tell she’s a total fox. She’s played by Kelly Lynch, who was this close to having an actual career. She had earlier received critical lauds for her role in Drugstore Cowboy. However, rather than going the indie route she unfortunately got roped into "The Babe" role in a series of pictures just like this one.

She goes into the examining room to see our patient. There she takes a moment to view his wound, which is one of the most patently fake I’ve ever seen. Then begins a teasing, flirtatious conversation draped in innuendo… if it was in a Hawks picture. To give credit where it’s due, Lynch, unlike fellow model turned actress Cindy Crawford, actually manages to put feeling behind her lines. But it’s for naught, for she is paired with the charisma black hole that is Patrick Swayze and it’s a lost cause. They chat:

"[The Double Deuce] sends a lot of business my way."
"I’m hoping to change that"
"All by yourself?"

Oh. Wow. I think I need a cold glass of water and antacid after that. She gets ready to give him an anesthetic and Patrick firmly refuses, "No, no drugs." "You enjoy pain?" she saucily inquires. "Pain don’t hurt," he stoically replies. PAIN DON’T HURT? I involuntarily flinched at that line. I mean the hell? Did the scriptwriters think it was some awesome phrase that the kids would go crazy over? I won’t even give it the dignity of being a poor man’s "I’ll be back." It’s asinine, pure and simple. Gawd, this film bites.

Their conversation touches on Pat’s past, and in classic bad movie fashion it raises more questions than it answers. Mentioning that on his record it says he went to NYU she asks his major. "Philosophy." No, really, that’s what he says. Lynch speaks for the audience when she asks how he ended up a bouncer. "Just lucky," Pat mumbles. And that is all the exposition we are going to get on that.

Asking him if he’s ever won a fight he seriously replies, "No one ever wins a fight." You see he doesn’t believe in violence. He’d rather walk away than be in a confrontation, but he just happens to work as a bouncer. Anyone buying this? Just checking. She finishes up as the Piano of Lanky Sensuality plays in the background. Patrick shoves his hands in his pocket and does his best James Dean he asks if she’d like "to go for a coffee or something?" Gee, that was fast even by movie standards. Lynch doesn’t give a definite answer but the wise viewer knows that love is in the air.

Back at the chateau of the supervillain, a monster truck and a four door pull into the driveway. A monster truck?! I was going to rail on them for this, but there’s probably going to be a scene -- a lame scene but still -- where this monster truck destroys something. Oh, what the hey. It’s still incredibly dumb, do you hear me, dumb!

Nephew and the boys slink out of the vehicle and approach the waiting Wesley. Wesley looks at them darkly for failing. Nephew sheepishly walks to his side. Wesley says someone owes him an apology. A goon with a big beer gut says he’s sorry. Wesley reassuringly pats his shoulder, "I believe you." He turns to the sacrificial lamb, a goon decked out in a highly inappropriate business suit. This man as well says he’s sorry, but Wesley replies that he doesn’t believe him. Wesley then punches him several times and the goon pretends that the slight Wesley hurt him. He even smears ketchup on his face.

Back to Red’s tool store, where Pat is pulling into the lot. Cross Earring Guy and another goon are pulling out. Cross Earring Guy gives Pat a big evil grin as they drives away. Pat hesitantly walks in and calls out a worried "Red?" He sees that several bottles of oil have been spilled on the floor. Red dutifully wheels out a bucket and mop. Red tries to be nonchalant but Pat is having none of it. He asks how often and Red softly replies "Every week." He goes on to say that Wesley takes ten percent and says it’s for the "Jasper Improvement Society." Most of the businesses in town belong to it.

We would reflect on this a bit more but it’s time for More! Gratuitous! Nudity! A banner reads "WET T SHIRT CONTEST". ‘T-shirt’ has been crossed out and "g string" written in. The camera pulls away to reveal a group of topless girls dancing on the bar. Please don’t take this to mean the film is more exciting than it is.

In the corner is Sam Eliot, looking concerned. The camera presumably has caught him pondering the trajectory of his career. A solider at the bar hassles one of the girls and Sam takes care of it. The girl winks at him. I should mention that throughout this scene they managed to desecrate one of my favorite songs, "Mustang Sally." A bartender calls Sam over and hands him the phone. Pat is calling him from a laundry mat. There’s some manly banter showing what great pals they are. I’ll spare you the details. Sam jokingly complains about his job, averring that the place is such a dive that over the urinals is a sign reading "Don’t Eat the Big White Mint". Har har.

Back to the new and improved Double Deuce. The wire cage is gone and on stage is Carrie Ann singing "Knock on Wood". The place is jumping because nothing says Hot Night Spot like a mousy white woman singing Motown. We take a look at the entire bar and see that it has succumbed to The ‘80s, with neon festooning every surface. There’s no solid time frame for this. Did Pat manage to do all this in a few days? Stupid movie.

Vodka Rocks walks up to Our Hero and asks if he would like to [crude slang term for sexual intercourse.] Real classy, girlfriend. Another henchman walks up and grabs her, telling the woman to "Say goodnight, Denise." Over an hour in and we finally learn her name. He drags her away and Pat practices the Zen art of standing in one place and not offering help. As the hood takes her outside he nods to a group of waiting goons, who are congregated at the front of the door.

Pat gathers the other bouncers, warning that one of the guys has a knife in his boot. Pat and Co. then walk up to them. "We’re closed," Pat says coldly. The head goon asks what everyone else is doing here. "Having a good time," Pat replies. The head goon says that’s all they want to do, too. "You’re too stupid to have a good time." Ooh, good one Pat. Are you going to tell them they have Cooties next?

Kelly has appeared by this time, wearing a dressed she’s seemingly fashioned from a picnic tablecloth. Her hair is down and the glasses are gone, so we now can see what a babe she is. Look, I know I’m not in a position to fully appreciate her charms. But that girl needs a sandwich. I’m just sayin’.

The goons attack and Shoe Knife lunges for Pat. Our Hero takes the guy’s leg, twists it and drags him outside. The rest of the goons are soon tossed out. Now some none-too-spectacular tussling takes place in front of the bar. A crowd has gathered, including Carrie Ann who yells "Kick his ass!" in her little girl voice. Wasn’t she just on stage? Did she rush off in the middle of a song to watch the fight? Some barfly is very sad that he won’t see her do "Patches" right now. The goons are sent running and the crowd disperses. Kelly tells Pat’s she been looking for him.

The camera peers down into the window of a diner. Pat and Kelly are conversing over coffee. Pat’s Steven Segalitis here develops into the second stage. "Have you ever been put down?" Kelly asks. "No, not really," Pat chuckles. Kelly asks him why he does this and Pat gives the traditional "Someone’s got to." During the conversation he pauses to steady a man who’s nearly fallen asleep at the counter. Pat cuts the conversation short. "I go on talking and you’re going to start thinking I’m a nice guy." No worries here Pat. "I don’t think you’re a nice guy," Kelly purrs. Man, you can cut the sexual tension with dental floss.

Before they leave the owner complains about the sleeping man, "I should start charging the bum rent." Pat takes a wad of bills out of his pocket, "tonight’s rent." The owner takes it and smiles at the man; the homeless aren’t so bad if you can make money off them. Pat the super humanitarian leaves wrapped in the glow of his own ego. Kelly pulls her sweet little jeep in the Deuce’s parking lot. The Synthesizer of Romance trills in the background.

"You live some kind of life, Dalton."
"Too ugly for you?"
"I didn’t say that."

Awww. Pat’s Mullet puckers up for a kiss. He gets out of the car and says he’ll see her around.

The next day Pat is posed on the hood of his car. He’s trying to look contemplative but, you know, this is Patrick Swayze. A black car (real subtle) drives up. Cross Earring Guy and a goon get out, telling Our Hero that Wesley wants to talk to him. As Pat slides off the hood of the car he pretends to lunge at the guys and they flinch. Way to "be nice," Pat.

As soon as Pat opens the door to Wesley’s mansion he is viciously assaulted by an atrocious ‘80s pop tune. A girl in the corner is doing aerobics. I believe it is Vodka Rocks/Denise, and she has a nasty bruise on her face. They certainly keep stacking the deck against Wesley, don’t they? She sees Pat and covers her face. He walks out to the balcony were Wesley is enjoying breakfast. Wesley asks him if he would like some breakfast or a Bloody Mary. Pat shakes his head; there will be no firewater for this Ronin. Wesley yells at the girl to "shut that [crude slang term for excrement] off". I know he’s the villain, but at least he has taste in music.

Patrick spots an old photograph in an expensive silver frame. Wesley notices, "My Grandfather." Pat mentions that he looked like an important man. "He was an [crude anatomical slang term]," Wesley retorts. He then goes into his spiel about how he’s had it the hard way, coming from the streets of Chicago and all that. He mentions all he’s done for the town. "JC Penny’s is coming here because of me!" Pat’s Mullet snarks, "You’ve gotten rich off the people in this town." Well, yeah, it doesn’t excuse the extortion. Still, the fact that he’s taken or even expects a little profit from bringing businesses to town isn’t really shocking or unreasonable.

Wesley takes no offense at Pat. "You bet your ass I have, and I’m going to get richer…" He then goes into an embarrassing rant about Destiny and taking what’s yours and overall sounding like Darth Vader’s retarded brother. He then comes back with some pointed accusations at Pat. "You get paid for beating people up. Don’t tell me you don’t love it, of course you do." Pat glowers in the corner, his Mullet upset at not thinking of a snappy comeback. Wesley lowers the boom "I have a cousin in Memphis tells me you killed a man down there, said it was self defense at the trial, but we know better…" Dalton strains to keep his cool. Touched a nerve, did we? Wesley caps of this scene by asking Pat to come work for him. Pat naturally says no, all  blah - blah - blah - I’ll - never - turn - to - the - dark - side - cakes.

Back at The Deuce. A long line of people is waiting to get in. They must have heard about Carrie Ann. Dalton surveys his handiwork, all is good. He and Tillman congregate at the bar. Seems there’s a problem, the whiskey’s running low. Tillman complains that’s he called every supplier he knows and no dice. Pat says he’ll take care of it. He goes outside were Kelly is waiting in white. Trying our hand at this thing called "Art" are we, Mr. Herrington? [Editor Ken: That would be Rowdy Herrington – yes, that’s his credited name – the director of this opus and such others as the Bruce Willis bomb Striking Distance.] He leaves with her and we see that goons are watching from another car. "Dig a hole," one jeers. I guess that insult was translated into Hindu and back again.

Kelly and Pat arrive at his place. She walks up into the loft, he apologizes for the austerity of the surroundings, she warmly replies, "I love it." Besides, no lack of décor is going to get in the way of this perfunctory sex scene, no sir. Kelly goes to the window and looks distressed at the sight of the mansion. (Oh, brother, not another plot thread.) Pat turns on a very cool retro radio; he pauses on a hard rock station. Kelly smiles and shakes her head at him and he settles on a sultry R+B tune.

It’s good that they have mood music to help convince the audience this is erotic, for what follows is one of the least sexy sex scenes I’ve ever seen. Pat picks her up and plows away like a bull in heat, she looks like she’s trying to figure out if she left the iron on. Seeing her make out with the lumpy faced Patrick doesn’t help the mood any. The camera pans up to a mirror as he carries her to bed, and, mercifully, we fade to black.

Next we see Kelly asleep. She wakes up to find Dalton gone. She sits up, affording the audience a good look at her boobs. I know I’m not the target audience they made this for. But really, guys, my advice to you is if you must have boobs rent The Terminator. Then at least you’ll have a decent action flick to go along with the flesh.

Moving on, Kelly walks out on the roof to sit by Dalton. They cuddle and she notices his scars. "You going to have a lot of pain when you get older, Dalton." Pat just laughs. "I’m serious, you could be crippled if you keep going like that." "That’s what they say," Pat nonchalantly replies.

Their conversation moves on. She sadly asks if he will move on when the job is done, Pat is evasive about his plans. She says he could stay here. Cut to the other side of the lake were Wesley has been watching them, ewwww. Ominous music plays to let us know that a creepy old man spying on two lovers is not a good thing. Wesley takes a drag on his long cigar. Been reading Phallic Imagery for Dummies, have we?

The next day Pat helps Santa with the chores. Some more Hee-Haw dialogue from Santa and Pat, and then Our Hero is on his way to work. He walks inside the now pristine establishment, stopping to talk to Cody the blind kid. I may have ragged on him earlier, but the latter easily gives the film’s best performance. He’s probably an actual musician they hired, so instead of trying to act he coasts on his good-natured personality. The result is that in a contest of hams, he comes off as a breath of fresh air.

Anyway, Cody has a few plot points to tell Patrick. The woman he’s been seeing is Elizabeth Clay (Kelly), and you won’t believe it but Wesley had a thing for her. Seems that when she left town "he went nuts." I can’t tell if this is supposed to be a half-baked explanation for his erratic behavior or what. Still, it’s too little too late.

An extra calls out that the truck’s here and Pat goes to receive the shipment of whiskey. Sam has ridden up on his hog. He takes a gander at the sign. "The Double Douche [sic]" he mumbles. Oh, Sam, you salty dog. Still, you have to give him credit for coming here. Otherwise, Wesley might have trouble killing him and setting of Pat’s profound instinct for vengeance. (Oops, sorry.)

The Guitar of Hooligans plays as yet another truck full of goons pulls up, PMCB among them. They menace the delivery driver and Pat tells him to take a break. They begin to smash bottles and Pat goes into fightin’ mode. Reality concedes for once and he is easily taken down by the horde. Meanwhile, Sam has walked into the bar and asks they have a "skinny little runt" working here. The bartender’s eyes go wide when he sees who’s talking. He must read Bouncer’s Monthly.

Sam goes outside to see Pat being thoroughly smashed into bits. Interceding, he takes some lip from the largest member of the group, then easily takes him down with a punch to the groin. The rest of the gang politely allow themselves to be beaten up. Pat, whose only injury from being brutally beaten is wet hair, jokes, "I had it under control." Sam laughs and they share a big heterosexual hug and pause to look into each other eyes; a manly pause, of course.

Later that night Pat takes Sam to the hospital to pick up Kelly. He leers at her and she giggles like a schoolgirl. They go to an empty bar where they trade stories. Sam goes to show Kelly a scar he’s proud of. He unzips his pants and shows Kelly a scar on his hip, causing her to grin even wider. Really, fellas, nothing charms the ladies like grizzled old man crotch. Sam mentions that the owner is looking to close and they should move on.

It’s now morning and Kelly and Sam are dancing to "All My Exes Live in Texas". He holds her close and tells her he’d like her for himself. This is all in the spirit of salty dogness, but I find it off putting. Of course, she giggles at every sleazy come on. They finish dancing and return to the table. Kelly excuses herself, probably to wash the smell of Sam off. The camera does a loving close-up on her behind. "That gal’s got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that," Sam quips. A line that may have had the audience chuckling at his earthy wit but had me wishing he would hurry up and die his tragic matyresque death already.

Sam turns his attention to Pat. He asks why Pat looks so sad and figures he’s still thinking about Memphis. We learn that the "girl never told you she was married," and "when a man sticks a gun in your face you have a choice. You can either die or kill…". Patrick doesn’t seem comforted by that. Kelly returns and takes her leave, saying she has to go to the hospital. She wonders how the guys can go so long without sleep. Sam says, "I’m going to get all the sleep I need when I’m dead." Ow, I’ve been hit by the Irony Anvil.

That night at the bar the crowd is jumping, Tillman watching satisfied from his office. Suddenly he hears a siren. Back on the floor an extra runs in, shouting, "Red’s place is on fire!" Pat rushes out and we see the shop in flames. Pat runs up and there is an explosion of such intensity I can only hope it teaches Red not build his store out of Plastique. Tillman turns away from the window in horror. Pat makes a sad puppy dog face at the blaze. When he returns to the bar the crowd has scattered and Wesley is waiting.

Wesley gloats over the fire, offering to buy the firefighters a drink. He mentions that Red wouldn’t pay up. Shame a thing like this had to happen. He commands Cody to play and sends Denise to dance on the stage. She begins to strip; I became angry at this scene particularly for it’s treatment of her. Throughout the movie she’s been nothing but a bit of jailbait. Then we see that Wesley’s abusing her in order to make Wesley look like more of a creep. But it takes an hour to learn this fairly important character’s name and we never learn anything else about her. She’s used just for skin or for sympathy. In other words the movie treats her just as badly as Wesley.

She strips and there’s a ‘hilarious’ shot of her dress hitting Pat’s face. Pat takes her off stage and returns her to Wesley. "If you’re going to have a pet, put it on a leash." Wesley pulls out his next trick and calls to Jimmy, the Cross Earring Guy. Jimmy takes a pool cue, walks to the center of the bar, and does some fancy twirls. Yay, another tedious action sequence. He finishes his demonstration by doing that little Kung fu "come here" gesture.

Pat bravely sends someone else to deal with him. Jimmy immediately knocks him down and then takes on the rest of the bouncers. The bar bursts into pandemonium. A stool crashes into the glasses behind the bar, stuntmen fall and break tables, that sort of thing. Wesley asks "Can someone get a drink around here?" You’re a cold hearted snake, boy. Jimmy finishes by using the cue to pole-vault himself into a flip. That may have been intended to look cool, but it had me yelling "Huzzah!" involuntarily.

He demands Pat. They begin to fight and Jimmy snarls in rage. Sorry, pal, you’ve got a Mullet. You’ve cancelled yourself from the threatening list. Some more choreographed moves and a shot rings out. Wesley holds the gun. Having demonstrated his power he calls back his goons. "This isn’t working, Dalton," he warns.

The next day Kelly arrives at Red’s house. He’s packing up and planning to leave. Tillman, Pat and a dude with a mustache are there. They’re pleading for him to stay and asking if he has insurance. Naturally, when someone mentions reporting this to the police, we learn that Wesley practically owns the sheriff and police department. Mustache Guy mentions that he has a friend in a neighboring town who works for the FBI and says he’s going to call him. What I don’t get is that I’m assuming that Red had insurance. So wouldn’t there be an investigation into the fire? It wouldn’t take an expert to figure out something was going on. Anyway. Tillman mentions to Pat "you scared him…he was afraid". Pat replies, "No he wasn’t".

Back in the Jeep, Kelly and Pat pass by Mustache Dude’s car dealership. A crowd has gathered outside. Kelly slows down, one of the bouncers runs to the car. "You better come, Wesley wants to put something down on a car." They pile out and make their way to the front of the crowd. We see the monster truck. Aren’t you glad they established it earlier? Wesley chastises Mustache Dude for losing faith. I think we’re supposed to infer that he found out about the friend in the FBI. He nods to the man in the truck who, I swear, gives a hearty MWA HA HA before driving through the dealership, crushing several cars. The extras haven’t been told how to react so some look horrified while others cheer (!).

Kelly runs up to Wesley, shouting, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bad case of Villainy is my diagnoses. He tells her to get Dalton out of here. He leaves and Red asks Mustache Dude if he has insurance. I’m sure he does and there’s no way nothing would be done about Wesley’s actions, even if he does "own the town". Amid the extras, who are divided from trying to look concerned and grinning at the awesome carnage, we see Pat. We see by the clinching of his stringy jaw that he’s not going to take it, no he ain’t gonna take it, he’s not gonna take it anymore.

Back at the Dirty Dancing set. Pat is sparring with a wooden board. (I was trying to work up a joke here but figure it out for yourself). Sam appears, telling Pat he should leave. Their conversation gets more heated and ends with Pat taking a swing at Sam. Sam grabs his fist and holds it there. They stare into each other’s eyes, breathing heavily. She’s Like the Wind picks up in the background. For fans of Television Without Pity we’ve entered Ho Yay! Land. Sam lets go and leaves. Patrick takes a few more swings at the punching bag then hugs it in resignation. Ah, the pathos.

Later that night Patrick watches the Mansion from his window. Kelly comes up the stairs. "Little late for a house call." Kelly pleads with him to leave. She says he doesn’t know what kind of man Wesley is. It’s Oscar™ Time for Pat as he spits out that he knows all about Wesley’s kind. "He keeps taking and taking until someone takes him." Kelly bitterly asks who does he think he’s helping. He says the town. She screams "Who is going to save them from you!" Just then a giant explosion occurs behind her. Thus saved from having to consider the moral complications of vigilantism they rush to the farmhouse. Pat pulls Santa from the blaze.

As they cower on the ground Jimmy rides up on his motorcycle. As he pauses to look at the fire, he laughs evilly. Listen, Mojo Jo Jo is allowed to do that because he’s a cartoon, here it’s just embarrassing. Pat gets up and tackles him. They scuffle by the lake. Pat tries some fancy spin kicks and Jimmy counters with some punches. This is a well-choreographed fight but it never grabs the viewer like it needs to. You know Pat is going to win and all the fake blood can’t trick a reaction out of the audience. 

Jimmy nearly finishes him with his convenient gun but Pat comes back and…well, let’s just say that Jim won’t be singing in the Christmas choir anytime soon. He falls back into the water. Kelly rushes out to check on him and looks at Pat with revulsion. She leaves and Pat’s Mullet howls with rage. Pat screams Wesley’s name and leaves the man’s body in the water.

The next day Pat goes into the Deuce. The phone rings. It’s Wesley. His deal is Kelly and Sam; one of them dies if Pat doesn’t leave town. Before Pat can say anything Wesley flips a coin. He tells Pat he wishes he could tell him how it turned out and hangs up. Just then Sam stumbles in, he’s been roughed up. Sam chuckles that "they said I was lucky" and that there were "only three of them." Patrick tells him to wait, he’s going to get Kelly. "We’re out of here. Wesley wins."

He goes to the hospital and finds Kelly. He begs her to go with and she refuses. They argue and he storms back to the Deuce. When he goes in he looks at the bar and smiles. Sam is stretched on it. Pat jokingly tells him to wake up, turns him over and finds a knife embedded in Sam’s gut. Didn’t see that one coming. A note is attached. "IT WAS TAILS." Oh, that Wesley, the big meanie.

Now prepare yourselves, Ladies and Gentlemen. Patrick Swayze is about to emote. He screws up his face in an expression of intestinal pain and squeezes out a few tears. He takes the knife out of Sam. Close-up on a trickle of chocolate syrup running across Sam’s arm. As this Sam Elliott’s exit from this picture, let me take this moment to say I’m sorry that I couldn’t think of any Big Lebowoski references. I would encourage you to rent that, too.

The final showdown. At the mansion several goons are waiting with shotguns. They see Pat’s Mercedes coming at them. They stand in line, firing shot after shot yet managing to miss the windshield. They must moonlight as Storm Troopers. The car roars over a fence and a guy nails it in the gas tank, engulfing the car in flames. They open the door and *gasp* the car is empty. The gas pedal was being held down by the knife that killed Sam. 

One goon pockets the knife so Pat can kill him with it for dramatic irony. He goes into the house where he sees that several henchman have been knocked out. Tight shot on his face, then reveal that – Ta dah! -- Pat is right behind him. He goes to fire the gun. Pat kicks it out of his hands and stabs him with the knife. "Tails again" he snarls. Uh, how does he know that was the goon that killed Sam?

Another guy appears on the balcony and aims for Pat. Our Hero takes the knife out of the guy, throws it at him and he goes down. Wesley walks among the bodies of his henchmen, his gun posed. Beer Gut creeps into a room. It’s quite hilarious watching a guy his size trying to be stealthy. It’s Wesley’s trophy room, as if we needed anymore proof of his EEEE-villness. 

Beer Gut whines he’s always hated this place. A comedy relief henchman? Don’t worry, the movie’s almost over, so he can’t have that much screen time left. A polar bear begins to topple down on him. He screams like a girl before being crushed underneath it. Pat stands over him, "You’re made for each other." (??) Willis has got nothing on you, Pat.

Wesley creeps into the room. "Let’s talk about this," he calls, scanning the room for Pat. Pat jumps him and Wesley gets him in the shoulder. Unlike On Deadly Ground they’re actually trying to pretend Wesley is a threat to Pat. He gets off a few punches and the gun is knocked from his hands. He rushes to a pile of spears and throws a few at Pat. Pat kicks him in back of the knee and Wesley collapses into a chair. Pat is about to do some throat surgery. However, as the hero he cannot kill an unarmed man.

Kelly appears -- let’s ignore how she knew to come here, shall we -- and Wesley rises up to shoot. Suddenly a shot pegs him in the shoulder. It’s Red! Another in the chest. It’s Santa! Two more, Tillman and Mustache Dude! Wesley topples into a glass coffee table. Kelly runs into Pat’s arms. Red gathers up the weapons, as sirens are heard in the distance. I’m guessing they were Wesley’s, so he stores loaded weapons? Stupid as well as evil I see.

The sheriff rushes in. Everybody coyly says, "I didn’t see nothin’." The sheriff goes along, although I’d think he would be upset about losing his meal ticket. There’s some sly looks shared and, oh god, a close-up on three stuffed monkeys posed like see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. No comment. The Trumpet of Justice toots over the scene. Beer Gut gets up from underneath the bear. "You see anything?" the sheriff asks. "A polar bear fell on me," he says. Fade to back.

Sunny days sweeping the clouds away at Santa’s farm. Pat dives into the lake and swims to Kelly. They playfully splash around, kiss and sink underwater. The filmmakers wisely decide to end on Cody singing. He croons "When the Night Falls Down" at the Deuce. The credits roll. Sorry, Pat, I didn’t have the time of my life. Maybe next time.

Immortal Dialogue:

Ah, Santa you playful scamp. He reacts to Pat calling him "Sir": "Calling me ‘sir’ is like putting an elevator in an outhouse. It don’t fit."